When you go to have your eyes checked, the first thing they do is determine your focus. They want to know what you’re able to focus on and what you’re not.
Just like your eyes, the health of your marriage has a lot to do with your focus. And just like your eyes, your focus can change over time.
IN THE BEGINING
When I officiate a wedding ceremony for a young couple, I lead them through vows that sound something like this…
“Do you promise to love and cherish (insert name) for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?”
As I’m leading a couple through these vows, I know that even though they’re repeating the words, they’re really only focusing on the “better, richer, health” side of things. And it’s this focus that produces the “honeymoon” period, where they are deeply in love with one another.
A MARRIAGE OUT OF FOCUS
But, over time, spouses begin to shift from focusing on the “better” to focusing on the “worse.” Our focus on our spouse shifts:
From how they build us up to how they let us down.
From their endearing qualities to their irritating traits.
From what they use to do for us to what they fail to do for us.
From their faithful commitment to their lack of chemistry.
It’s funny how couples start off focusing on the positive, but as time goes on, their focus shifts from the positive to the negative. It’s this shift in focus that changes their appreciation for one another and turns the tide in their marriage from high tide to low tide.
When this happens, the marriage is out of focus and the couple needs to refocus.
REFOCUSING
Always remember that when it comes to marriage:
Your focus determines your attitude.
Your attitude determines your actions.
And your actions determine your outcomes.
You would be surprised at how you can change your feelings about your marriage simply by changing your focus. And it is possible to change your focus. Here are a few things that will help you refocus:
Pull out your wedding album and spend time looking at the photos.
Tell stories of your wedding, your honeymoon, or the first years of your marriage.
Talk about what you found attractive about one another.
Every day, find one thing about your spouse to appreciate and be thankful for.
Find some act of kindness to do for your spouse each day.
Remember how you use to flirt with one another and put more of that in your marriage.
Compliment and encourage your spouse at least once a day.
Try doing these things for a month – even if you don’t feel like it! You will be surprised how this will refocus your attitudes and actions toward your spouse.
Just like the health of your eyes depends on their ability to focus properly, the health of your marriage depends on your ability to focus properly.
Have you ever known someone who seemed to live a charmed life? They’re in the right place at the right time. They get all the right breaks. Everything they touch turns to gold.
Those outside of Israel probably felt David lived a charmed life because everything he touched seemed to work out so well.
How did he do it? 2 Samuel chapter 5 shows us three keys to David’s success. David…
Asked for directions.
Followed instructions.
Gave credit where credit was due.
ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS
David was seasoned by years of experience. He had paid his dues and he knew how to get things done. Still, he continued to ask God for direction and permission, rather than launching out on his own initiative. (2 Sam. 5:19,23.)
FOLLOWING INSTRUCTIONS
David not only asked God for direction. He also followed God’s instructions. (2 Sam. 5:20,25)
Unlike David, some people never get where they want to go, because they don’t ask for directions. Others fail to get where they want to go because they don’t follow the directions they were given. But this was not David.
GIVING CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE
David could have easily taken credit for all his accomplishments. But he refused to believe his own press. Instead, he gave credit to God…where it was due. (2 Sam. 5:12,20) David knew his success was not because of him or for him. He realized God was blessing him for the sake of God’s people. (2 Sam. 5:12)
A WORD OF WARNING…
Don’t assume that asking God for directions, following God’s instructions, and giving God credit will assure you of a “charmed life.” Remember, David spent years running from a homicidal king, and Jesus was wrongfully accused, tried, and crucified.
These three keys are not a magic formula for a “charmed life.” But they will make your life stronger, wiser, and more fruitful.
So, today…try asking God for direction, following His instruction, and giving Him the credit He’s due. You will be surprised at the difference it makes.
If you’re dissatisfied with your spouse or your marriage, you’re not alone. As we saw in the last post, it’s not that uncommon. But the big question is, what do you do about it?
In this post, we’ll look at what you can do if you’re dissatisfied with your marriage.
ARE YOU DOOMED TO BE DISSATISFIED IN MARRIAGE?
Just because every marriage experiences occasional dissatisfaction doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be dissatisfied in marriage.
I once knew a couple who had been married for 74 years. One day, I asked them how they had managed to have such a long and strong marriage. The husband told me, “Son, sometimes when I would get frustrated with her, I had to learn to shut my mouth and go for a long walk.” His wife started laughing, and said, “He wasn’t the only one who had to go for a long walk!”
Despite times of dissatisfaction, this couple had a wonderful marriage of 74 years. So, even though you may experience some dissatisfaction from time to time, know that you can still have a great and lasting marriage.
WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOUR DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR MARRIAGE?
Being dissatisfied in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you have a bad marriage, but it does mean you have some changes to make. You may think your spouse is the source of your dissatisfaction, but a lot of your dissatisfaction has as much to do with you as it does with your spouse.
So if you want to turn your dissatisfaction around, you (not your spouse) need to start making some changes. Here are a few things you can do:
Stop Comparing Your Marriage to Others.
It’s easy to be envious of other marriages that seem to have it all together. When you see them out to dinner, at church, or on social media, they look happy and seem to have a great marriage. But you would probably be surprised if you could see behind the scenes. No couple is perfect, and every couple has their own struggles.
I am not saying there aren’t couples out there who have great marriages. There are. But their marriage is great because they have learned what works for them. And what works for them won’t necessarily work for you and your spouse.
So stop comparing your marriage to other marriages that look great, and instead, start making your marriage great.
Curb Your Expectations.
We all have expectations about how we think our spouse and marriage should be. Expectations are a part of being human.
But too often, our expectations are unrealistic. Just as you would be hurt and frustrated if your spouse held you to their expectations of the perfect spouse, so will they feel hurt and frustrated if you do the same.
So learn to curb your unrealistic expectations.
Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt.
Your spouse didn’t marry you so they could make you miserable. That was not their intention when they uttered their wedding vows, and it is probably not their intention now.
It’s easy to get our feelings hurt and then to take everything personally. But most of the things you take personally, have little to do with you, and more to do with your spouse.
So assume that your spouse loves you, that they didn’t mean it in the way you heard it, and that they’re not just trying to get your goat.
If it continues to bother you, kindly ask them about it, but otherwise, give your spouse what you would want…the benefit of the doubt.
Stop Seeing Differences As a Threat.
We talked about this in the last post. When we’re dating, we believe we’re attracted to our partner by all we have in common. But in reality, it’s our differences that attract us.
Those differences seem novel at the time. But, after the “I do’s,” those differences start to lose their appeal. Rather than attracting us, those differences begin to aggravate us. They get under our skin, and we start seeing the differences as flaws in our spouse that we need to correct. (By the way…trying to correct your spouse’s “flaws” won’t win you any points. Trust me!)
The differences between you and your spouse are not there to aggravate you. They are there to grow you. Those differences are there to help strengthen your weak areas and to compliment the things you lack. Those differences are also there to teach you how to be humble and gracious. In reality, your spouse’s differences are a gift, rather than a threat. The more you can see this, the less dissatisfied you’ll be.
Change Your Focus.
Many of us are better at pointing out what’s wrong than celebrating what’s right. It’s easier to focus on what we don’t like about our spouse and our marriage, than on what’s good about our spouse and our marriage. This can be caustic.
Whatever you focus on tends to set your attitude and approach to things. So if you focus on that with which you’re dissatisfied, you wind up fueling your dissatisfaction and killing your gratitude.
Philippians 4:8 encourages us to focus on what’s good and right and commendable. If you learn to do this in marriage, you’ll be surprised at the difference it will make.
Show More Appreciation than Disappointment.
If you’re experiencing dissatisfaction in your marriage, you probably feel under-appreciated. But I’m betting your spouse feels the same way.
It is so easy to stop showing appreciation to your spouse and to start taking them for granted…leaving them starved for appreciation. How do you know if your spouse needs appreciation? If they’re breathing, they need appreciation.
Appreciation is the one gift that costs you nothing to give and produces tremendous benefits when you do. Be lavish in showing your spouse appreciation…even for the small things.
IN THE END…
Will doing these things make every day of marriage as happy as a broadway musical number? Nope! But doing these things will make you more aware and grateful for the great things about your spouse and your marriage. And as your gratitude increases your dissatisfaction decreases.
So, laugh in the face of your dissatisfaction and get to work!
