There are times in life when things are just good. When this happens, it’s easy to kick back, relax, and take it easy.
But chances are, we got to those good times by doing the opposite of kicking back and taking things easy. You see, good times tempt us to relax our grip on the good times we enjoy.
This is what we see in the remainder of the book of 1 Kings. In chapter 8, God’s people are at their highest point. They’re a superpower; mighty in number, resources, and influence. They are experiencing a time of unheard of peace and prosperity, and they are continuing to do the things that got them to that place:
Acknowledging they are the benefactors of God’s mercy, grace, and power.
Realizing the importance of God’s presence and putting Him in the center of their lives.
Proclaiming God’s holiness and confessing their sinfulness.
Petitioning God’s mercy and forgiveness for their sin.
Asking God to reveal Himself to others through them.
Sacrificing what they have to honor God.
These are the actions and attitudes that fostered their peace and prosperity.
But as we’ll see throughout the rest of the book, when we feel we’ve “arrived,” we have a tendency to relax the very actions and attitudes that fostered our peace and prosperity in the first place. It happened with the nation of Israel, I believe it’s happening with the United States of America, and it can happen to us as individuals.
Are you diligent in the things that promote God’s presence and blessing in your life, or have you relaxed your grip on such things?
When it comes to marital fights, I know two things…
FIRST – EVERY COUPLE FIGHTS.
Some spouses fight like a hurricane, while some spouses fight like a gentle spring storm. Some are heated and loud, while others are icy and quiet. Some spouses are measured and careful with their words, while others are vicious and wounding with their words. But all couples fight.
For instance, my wife and I are not typical “fighters.” We don’t raise our voices and we don’t draw battle lines on which we’re willing to die. This doesn’t mean we don’t fight. It’s just that when things start to ramp up, she tends to withdraw and tend to be a peacemaker. We still fight, but it’s just low and muffled.
SECOND – NO SPOUSE WANTS TO LOSE.
Here’s the problem with fighting…if you’re not careful, winning the argument will become more important than the problem you’re fighting over in the first place. And a stubborn determination to win the fight sets up your spouse to be the loser. And no spouse wants to lose – even if they’re wrong.
When this happens, you may win the argument, but you will lose the fight because you’ve created a rift between the two of you that’s even harder to repair than the thing you were originally arguing about.
HOW TO LOSE A FIGHT.
A sure way to lose a fight (and the relationship) is to focus more on winning the argument than winning your spouse. Here are some ways in which you might inadvertently lose a fight…
Raising Your Voice.
When you raise your voice, you immediately raise the stakes of the argument. Raising your voice raises the tension and the hurt, making it harder for your spouse to respond favorably. Raise your voice when your cheering on your favorite team, but not when you’re fighting.
Name-Calling.
I don’t care how upset you are, there is never a good reason or excuse for you to engage in name-calling! You don’t allow your children to call other people names, and you shouldn’t do it either; especially to the one you promised to love and honor. If you’re calling your spouse names, you’ve crossed a line and you’re losing the fight…and your spouse.
Condescension.
You’re being condescending when you exhibit an attitude of superiority over your spouse. Condescension is when you infer that they just don’t know what they’re talking about and that you know better. It’s a form of pride that puts your spouse down for the sake of elevating yourself. It inflicts a wound that’s hard to heal.
Sarcasm.
Sarcasm is often passed off as humor, but usually, it’s a veil for hurt and anger. Sarcasm can be corrosive to a marriage because it’s a passive-aggressive way of showing contempt for your spouse. Dr. John Gottman, one of the country’s leading marriage experts, says that the presence of contempt in a marriage is a major sign that the marriage is in trouble. (See The Four Horsemen: Contempt.)
Backing Them in a Corner.
This happens when refuse to make room for your spouse’s ideas or opinions. When you give your spouse no other option but to agree with you or be wrong, you back them into a corner, leave them no choice but to withdraw or to come out fighting.
Stonewalling.
Stonewalling is when a spouse shuts down and refuses to address the issue. They may change the subject, clam up, or even get up and walk out. Another form of stonewalling is constantly responding to questions with “I don’t know.” Stonewalling is a form of avoidance and it leaves the other spouse frustrated and with no way to find any resolution. It leaves them with a wound they can’t heal.
Not Listening.
Not listening to your spouse communicates that they and their ideas are unimportant and not worth listening to. It’s demeaning and not a good way to win them or the argument. Think about how it feels when someone won’t listen to you. Not listening to your spouse is a blatant act of disrespect, and a sure way to lose a fight.
The reason these behaviors are defeating is that they cause your spouse to become defensive. And when your spouse gets defensive, they will engage in similar defeating behaviors. In short…everyone loses!
HOW TO WIN A FIGHT.
So, let’s look at the best way to win a fight with your spouse. As you might suspect, you win a fight with your spouse by doing the opposite of the above list. Here’s how you truly win a fight with your spouse…
Stay calm and keep your voice at conversational levels. (Proverbs 15:1)
Never call your spouse derogatory names! (Ephesians 4:29)
Shelve the condescension and sarcasm and show your spouse respect. (Ephesians 4:29)
Stay lovingly engaged rather than withdrawing or running. (3 John 1:8)
Listen to them more than you talk at them. (James1:19)
Offer solutions that make room for your spouse’s wants and needs. (Phil. 2:3-4)
FINAL THOUGHT.
So the next time you’re with your spouse and you feel a fight coming on, don’t do the things that will cause you to lose the fight, and eventually the relationship. Determine you’re going to win the fight…THE RIGHT WAY.
I grew up in the country, in Southern Illinois. For some reason, I never expected to leave that area.
So years ago, when I traveled to Paris, France, and stood in front of the Palace of Versailles, I was blown away. I had the same feeling a few years prior when I stood in front of Buckingham Palace in London. (Another place I never thought I would see.)
I stood in front of these structures awe-struck and amazed. I had never seen anything like them before. It was “other-worldly.”
Modern-day readers tend to skim or skip over all the measurements and details mentioned in 1 Kings chapters 5-7. But, readers of that day would have read in awe and wonder. Those readers were country people, and the wonders of such structures would have boggled their imaginations.
Perhaps 1 Kings chapters 5-7 is meant to remind us that believers in Christ await a temple and a city of God that is beyond our imagination. (Revelation 21) The Holy of Holies in Solomon’s temple (the place of God’s presence) was measured to be a perfect cube. (1 Kings 6:20) Likewise, the holy city that is to come will be a place of God’s presence. (Revelation 21:3) And it too will be measured as a perfect cube. (Revelation 21:16) But its dimensions will dwarf our imagination.
In the midst of all that is mundane in your life here on earth, never forget that there are places, structures, and sights beyond your imagination. And they await those, who like Solomon, are faithful in Christ. (1 Kings 6:12-13)
In this episode of Quick Counsel, we talk with Erik Almodovar. Erik is a pastoral counselor at Warren Grovetown Church in Grovetown, GA. As a pastoral counselor, Erik deals with a variety of issues, but he is particularly adept and experienced in working with men who struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. Listen as Erik explains the nature and prevalence of sexual addiction, the damage it does, and how a person can find freedom from this addiction. This episode will give hope to those struggling with pornography and sexual addiction.
