Bret Legg

If Things Are Getting Heated…

by

Perhaps you’ve been there. You and your spouse are “discussing” something when suddenly you realize things are getting heated and going south. If it goes much further, you’ll hit a point of no return and it won’t end well.

This is normal in marriage. It happens to everyone from time to time. But how you handle these times can either hurt or help your marriage. So it’s important to recognize when things are getting heated so you can handle them well.

What Are the Signs That Things Are Getting Heated?

When things heat up, it seems to hit us with little warning. It feels like we’ve gone from zero to sixty instantly. But, there are actually warning signs that things are heading south. Here are some signs that your “discussion” is getting heated:

  • You’re getting tense.
  • Your pulse is rising.
  • You feel offended.
  • You feel defensive.
  • You’re getting angry.
  • You’re raising your volume.
  • You want to withdraw.
  • You want to go into attack mode.
  • You’re thinking or saying things you wouldn’t normally think or say.
  • You no longer remember or care what started it, you just want it to end.

When you’re experiencing these things, your “discussion” is heating up and heading south.

Why Do Things Get Heated?

As I said, it’s normal for things to occasionally get heated between spouses. There are some really normal reasons for this. It can happen when the “discussion”…

  • Comes at a time when you’re tired and spent.
  • Happens at the end of a day full of difficulties.
  • Touches something about which you’re especially sensitive.
  • Addresses an area about which you’re especially passionate.
  • Criticizes your personality differences.
  • Keeps repeating and never gets solved.

Whatever the reason, there is something about this “discussion” that tends to move things from a spark to a wild fire.

What Can You Do When Things Get Heated?

So many marriages remain distant and frustrated because they don’t know how to handle these critical, heating up moments.

So I want to give you a simple approach that will help avert things before they reach the point of no return. Here it is…

If things are getting heated…take a time-out.

We do this with children, but it turns out that adults can benefit from a time-out also.

How Do You Do It?

Now I know that when things are getting heated, taking a time out can be easier said than done. So let me give you some rules for engagement for taking a time-out:

  • Talk about a time-out before it’s needed. If you call a time-out before you’ve discussed this tactic with your spouse, it could come across as a way of shutting them down or getting around the issue. So when things are good between the two of you, bring up the idea of time-outs as a way of not getting into hurtful fights. (Who doesn’t want that?)
  • Signal a time out. Agree upon some sort of signal to use when you need to call a time out. You can use the “T” sign used in sports or any other sign you want. (Make it something fun…no middle fingers!)
  • Explain why you called the time-out. Let your spouse know that the time out is about you. Tell them that you are getting to a point where you’re afraid you will say or do something that would hurt them, and you don’t want to do that.
  • Give them a reconnect time. This is important. Without giving your spouse a definite time when you will come back and address the issue, it will feel like you’re blowing them off to get them off your back.
  • Keep your promise to reconnect. This is equally important. If you don’t keep your promise to finish the discussion at the set time, your spouse will not trust any further time-outs and will keep pressing you. Be true to your word and reconvene when promised.
  • Repeat as needed. You will need to repeat this approach from time to time. But, the more you effectively use time-outs, the less you will need to use them.

The next time things are getting heated between you and your spouse, try taking a time-out. I promise you will get further with less damage using time-outs than continuing to let things heat up until someone gets singed.

1 Samuel 29-30 – How Well Do You Get Along With Others?

by

You can’t please everyone. No matter how hard you try, someone is not going to like something you’ve said or done.

But David was a man who seemed to be able to get along with a wide variety of people. In 1 Samuel chapters 29 and 30, we see David masterfully developing trust and good relations with a wide variety of often opposing groups.

In chapter 29, David earns the trust and respect of the Philistine king. (1 Samuel 29:6,9)

In chapter 30…

  • David rallies the very men who, earlier, were so upset with him they were ready to kill him.
  • David is able to enlist an Amalekite slave who had previously destroyed David’s village.
  • David becomes a mediator for his men when they are in the midst of a disagreement.
  • David endears himself to the leaders of his home country…even though that country had run him out of town and tried to kill him.

How does he do it? How does Dave foster trust and loyalty among others…many of whom are enemies to him and each other?

First, David built relationships by showing kindness and respect to others. But more important than his relationship with others was his relationship with God…

  • When David didn’t know what to do, he turned to God for insight and answers. (1 Samuel 23:2,4,6,9,11,12.)
  • When David encountered unfair treatment, he trusted God to right the wrongs and ensure justice. (1 Samuel 24:12,15)
  • When David was discouraged and demoralized, he found his strength and hope in God. (1 Samuel 30:6)

David was submissive and obedient to God, and God made him wise and discerning…which, in turn, strengthened his relationships and interactions with others.

Do you have trouble getting along with people? If so, check your submission and obedience to God. This is always the starting place for great relationships…and great endeavors.

The Three Fields: A Marriage Parable

by

The following parable is suited to many situations in life, but it’s particularly suited to marriage.

Once there were three farmers. They each had a field that was not doing well. The demands of growing crops had slowly drawn the life-giving nutrients from the soil until they no longer produced satisfying crops for the farmers. Each of the farmers was frustrated and unsure of what to do with their field

The First Farmer.

The first farmer said, “Farming shouldn’t be this hard. I’ve been struggling with this field for years, and I don’t seem to be getting anywhere. I’m not sure what to do, and even if I did, I’m not sure I have the time, energy, or resources to invest in this field anymore.” He eventually sold his field, at a great loss.

The Second Farmer.

The second farmer said, “This is frustrating. This field used to produce a great crop. What’s wrong with it? I’ve not changed what I’m doing, so I don’t know why things are getting worse. But I’m going to stick to doing what I’ve always done. If it was good enough to produce crops then, it should be good enough now.” This farmer continued to do things the way he had always done them. Consequently, he saw decreasing returns from his field.

The Third Farmer.

The third farmer said, “This is not good. This is not how I want things to be, but I’ve got too much invested in this field to let it go. It seems to me that what I’m doing should be working, but, maybe I’m missing something.” So the farmer sought out the original owner of the land who had a great track record for producing successful crops.

The original owner suggested that the farmer’s field was not producing a satisfying crop because the farmer was not putting the necessary nutrients back into the field. He went on to say, “Over time, the demands of growing, the heat of the sun, and the erosion from storms take a lot out of a field. You must put back into the field the things it needs if you what to keep producing good crops.” The farmer asked him what he should be putting into his field, and the original owner said, “That depends on the field. Each field is different, with different needs. You must get to know your field.”

And so, with much uncertainty and no guarantee of success, the third farmer took the original owner’s advice and went back to get to know his field and to put back into it the things it needed. The turn around was slow at first. It took a season or two to begin to see the results. But eventually, the field came around and continued to produce bountiful crops years into the future.

The following are some questions to help you apply this parable to your own marriage:

  • Which farmer do you most identify with at this time? Why?
  • Does this story apply to your situation? If so, how?
  • What is one thing that you can take away from this story that would be beneficial to your current situation?

1 Samuel 28 – Are You Driven by Fear?

by

We all have things we fear, but some people are especially driven by fear. Their life is a desperate attempt to avoid things like…

  • The loss of a loved one.
  • The loss of a marriage.
  • The loss of their health.
  • The loss of financial stability.
  • The loss of position.

This is the picture of king Saul in 1 Samuel chapter 28. You can see his fearfulness build in the previous chapters…

Now, in 1 Samuel 28, Saul is so fearful of the Philistine army he scrambles to find someone to give him advice. God is no longer communicating with Saul, because of Saul’s disobedience. (1 Samuel 28:18.) So Saul breaks his own law and seeks a consultation with a medium or witch. Saul is frantically scrambling for anything to take away his fear.

It’s a strong contrast to the calm and confident David we see in the previous two chapters.

What’s the difference? Though it sounds cliché, David was trusting God and Saul was trusting Saul. David’s only focus was on what God wanted done, while Saul’s only focus was on what Saul wanted done.

Fearfulness comes from trusting yourself rather than trusting God. It comes from trying to orchestrate your own desired outcomes, rather than trusting God to orchestrate His desired outcomes.

We are not to be fearful, but rather powerful, loving, and self-controlled. (2 Timothy 1:7) So turn from fear and trust God. He alone holds the total control of our lives. (Matt. 10:28)

If You Can’t Get Over How They’ve Hurt You… (Part 2)

by

What do you do if you’re having trouble getting over the way your spouse has hurt you?

I posed this question in the last post, but I didn’t answer it. Instead, I looked at the various ways spouses hurt one another.

I encourage you to go back and read that post, but here’s a very short summary…

  • Sometimes spouses will hurt one another.
  • Sometimes that hurt is unintentional.
  • Sometimes that hurt is intentional.
  • Sometimes the hurt sticks with you and is hard to get past.

So now I need to address the original question. What can you do when your spouse has hurt you and you can’t seem to get over it?

I suppose you could do a mic drop and leave your spouse, but because there is hurt in every relationship, you will constantly be moving from relationship to relationship. Not a good idea.

There’s another alternative…

If you can’t get over how they’ve hurt you…it’s time to forgive. 

If you’ve been hurt badly or repeatedly, you may recoil and push back at the mention of forgiveness.  Or, if you’re a person of faith, you may feel you’ve already forgiven them, but their offense continues to bother you…like a rock in your shoe.

Both of these responses are usually due to a misunderstanding of forgiveness. In order to explain what I mean by forgiveness, let’s start with some of the myths about forgiveness.

FORGIVENESS MYTHS…

There are a lot of misconceptions about forgiveness that can actually make the idea of forgiveness unpalatable and unattainable. Here are a few:

Forgiveness should be quick.

Sometimes we want to forgive quickly because we don’t like feeling resentful. Other times we want to forgive quickly because we believe that’s what our religious tradition teaches. But think of it this way…You can quickly forgive someone who accidentally bumps into you and spills your drink. But you’re not as quick to forgive your spouse who has been unfaithful and slept with someone else. The greater the offense, the longer and harder the process of forgiveness will be.

Forgiveness will come naturally with time.

Despite the old adage, time doesn’t heal all wounds. Healing takes both time and work. It may take some time for you to forgive your spouse, but it will also take work to get through the hurt.

Forgiveness is a one-time decision.

Yes, forgiveness starts with a decision to forgive, but then it is a process of continuing to forgive. Forgiveness involves re-forgiving your spouse every time you feel the hurt resurface.

Forgiveness means you forget the offense.

Our brains are not created to forget when we’ve been hurt. We need to remember the hurt…not to keep blaming our spouse, but to take the steps we need to take to protect ourselves from further hurt.

Forgiveness takes away your pain.

Forgiveness doesn’t take away your feelings. At least not quickly. Forgiveness merely asserts control over those feelings, denying them the right to drive you.

Forgiveness implies the offense doesn’t matter.

If the offense didn’t matter, there would be no need for forgiveness. The offense does matter! You’ve been wronged and hurt, and that needs to be recognized and dealt with.

Forgiveness means there’s no need for justice.

If your child is killed by a drunk driver, you can eventually forgive that drunk driver. But that doesn’t mean the driver should not suffer the consequences of their actions. Your forgiveness simply means that you relinquish the right to “make them pay.”

Forgiveness is the same as excusing the offender.

Forgiveness does not excuse your spouse for the offense. Nor does forgiveness release them of the personal responsibility for what they’ve done.

Forgiveness requires the offender to repent.

Forgiveness is something you do, independently of your spouse’s attitude and actions. Even if they see no reason for forgiveness, you can still forgive them. Forgiveness sets you free, despite their response.

Forgiveness means you have to trust your offender.

Forgiveness does not promote an environment for repeating the offense. If you borrow my car and it gets a door ding, I will probably trust you with my car again. But if you borrow my car and carelessly total it because you were driving too fast and drinking, I probably won’t trust you with my car again…even though I forgive you.

So, after looking at the myths associated with forgiveness,  now let’s look at what forgiveness really is…

FORGIVENESS IS…

Forgiveness is simply the decision and corresponding act of giving up your claim to retaliation or payment for an offense. You’re not denying the offense or the hurt it’s caused you. You’re simply releasing your right for repayment or justice.

This is what you need to do if you can’t get over how your spouse has hurt you. As we mentioned above, you may have to do this slowly and repeatedly depending on the gravity of the offense. And your forgiveness may not change the consequences of their offense. But it’s still a critical factor in your healing.

Forgiveness offers powerful benefits to a person’s physical, mental, emotional, relational, and spiritual health. But one of the biggest benefits of forgiveness is that it keeps you from being stuck in the past. The offense is a part of history, and since you can’t change history, the only way you can keep from getting stuck in the past is to forgive.

I know…it’s easier said than done! But if you can’t get over how they’ve hurt you…it’s probably time for you to forgive.

1 Samuel 26-27 – Balancing Kindness and Courage

by

Many people view followers of God as weak, passive, and vulnerable. They have trouble associating a Christian with the aggressive and calculating demeanor of a war-time general or a corporate CEO.

But in 1 Samuel chapters 26 and 27 we see David as someone who was able to balance kindness with courage.

In 1 Samuel chapter 26, David is bold and courageous when he enters into Saul’s camp and puts himself in the position of holding Saul’s life in his hands. But He is also merciful and kind when he chooses to spare Saul’s life.

In 1 Samuel chapter 27, David is so sensitive and caring he actually lives with the enemy in order to keep his men and their families safe. But David is also shrewd and calculating. He systematically does away with his enemy, while his enemy thinks David is on their side. David creates a plan to destroy his enemy, while not only gaining their confidence but also their protection. And while he is doing this, he’s earning more and more loyalty from his fellow Israelites.

To follow God does not mean you have to be weak. Like David, we are to be both kind and courageous. Like a train, we need both the rails of kindness and courage to keep us on track. Kindness without courage is impotent, while courage without kindness is dictatorial. As Jesus put it, we need to be as wise as serpents and as harmless as doves. (Matt. 10:16)

How are you doing balancing kindness and courage? If you find yourself out of balance, ask God to strengthen your area of weakness, and to bring you into balance.

If You Can’t Get Over How They’ve Hurt You… (Part 1)

by

We all dream of a marriage where there’s lots of fun, good connection, deep understanding, frequent sex, abundant money, perfect kids, beautiful rainbows, and dancing unicorns.

But marriage can be as much a battleground as a playground at times because spouses will hurt each other from time to time. You can’t live with someone, day in and day out, and not…

  • Get your feelings hurt.
  • Feel devalued.
  • Be misunderstood.
  • Feel put down.
  • Be taken for granted.

Before we look at how to get past the hurt, we need to understand it.

UNINTENTIONAL HURT.

Most of the time, spouses hurt one another unintentionally. They don’t mean to inflict harm on one another. It just happens…like stubbing your toe or stepping on a Lego.

Most unintentional hurt comes from three basic differences between spouses:

Family of Origin.

We tend to underestimate how much our upbringing contributes to our marital hurt. For instance:

  • If you were raised in a family where raised voices were a sign of unacceptable anger, but your spouse was raised in a family where raised voices were a sign of lively discussion…you’re going to get your feelings hurt.
  • If you were raised in a family where both spouses jumped in to keep the house clean, but your spouse was raised in a family where one spouse was responsible for the house and the other for the outside…you’re going to get your feelings hurt.

Personality.

It’s funny how the personality we fell in love with often winds up being the personality we’re frustrated with. For instance:

  • If your personality is to be very structured and planned, but your spouse’s personality is to be very free-wheeling and spontaneous…you’re going to see your spouse as inconsiderate and hurtful at times.
  • If your personality is to be very private with most things, but your spouse’s personality is to be very open with most things…you’re going to butt heads and feel some hurt.

Stressors.

Both you and your spouse deal with different pressures and stressors in life. These pressures and stressors can easily leak out in your interactions with one another, causing unintentional hurts.

  • If your boss has been on your case with one demand after another, a request for help from your spouse might cause you to react with an icy, do-it-yourself tone of voice…leaving your spouse wounded.
  • If you’ve spent the day with kids clamoring for your attention and climbing all over you, your spouse’s sexual advance may be met with a cold, back-off-before-you-lose-that-hand kind of response…leaving your spouse rejected and hurt.

All of these are unintentional hurts, but they need to be talked through and worked out.

But what if the hurt is intentional?

INTENTIONAL HURT.

There may be times when spouses will hurt each other intentionally. Where unintentional hurt is like stubbing your toe, intentional hurt is like sticking out your foot to trip each other.

Intentional hurt typically occurs when we’re…

Trying to Defend Ourselves.

If we are feeling attacked, our automatic response is often to defend ourselves. For instance, if your spouse comes at you and wants to know why you haven’t unloaded the dishwasher, your first reaction might be to say “I’m sorry.” If they continue to press, your defensiveness goes up and you begin to make excuses for why you didn’t unload the dishwasher. But if your spouse continues to press, you might lash out in anger and say something like, “I’m not your servant! If you weren’t so busy staring at your phone you could do it yourself!” Though it was said in the heat of the moment, this was an intentional hurt inflicted on your spouse.

Trying to Get Even.

If our spouse has hurt us in some way (intentionally or unintentionally) we might react in such a way as to hurt them back. This is often done in a very passive-aggressive way.  For instance, suppose you’ve asked your spouse repeatedly to let you know when they’re on their way home from work, but they never seem to remember. You might try to get even by: not preparing dinner, going out with your friends and not letting them know when you’ll be back, or not picking up the phone when they’re trying to get in touch with you. These are all passive-aggressive attempts to get even with your spouse.

Trying to Get Our Needs Met…Apart From Our Spouse.

This category can involve getting involved in habits or hobbies our spouse does not enjoy. But mostly this refers to emotional and/or sexual infidelity. It’s when a spouse seeks to meet an emotional or sexual need with someone other than their spouse. Spouses who have done this will tell you they never intended it to happen. This can make it sound like the hurt they inflicted with their infidelity was unintentional. But somewhere they made an intentional choice to step outside of the marriage, making it an intentional hurt. (Note: we will have more to say on infidelity in a later post.)

As I said at the beginning of this post, spouses will hurt each other from time to time. Hopefully, it’s more unintentional than intentional, but it will happen. The quicker we can recognize when and why this happens, the easier it will be to fix and avoid it in the future.

But sometimes the hurt (big or small) will stick with us. We take it personally…to a fault. The hurt cuts so deep we can’t seem to forget it or get over it.

When this happens, what can we do? I don’t want to hurt your feelings, but this post is already too long. So, you’ll need to check out the next Normal Marriage post to find out!

1 Samuel 25 – When You Want to Get Back at Someone

by

Have you ever wanted to get back at someone, because they were treating you with contempt…even though you were treating them with kindness?

  • Maybe it was a boss who continued to pass you over, despite your hard work.
  • Perhaps it was a friend who stabbed you in the back, even though you had been loyal to them.
  • Or maybe it was a spouse who continued to ignore you, despite your on-going efforts to serve them and build them up.

In 1 Samuel chapter 25, David wants vengeance. After showing Nabel kindness, (1 Sam. 25:5-11) Nabal completely disregarded David and treated him with contempt. David was instantly angry and wanted to get back at Nabal. (1 Sam. 25:13)

And once your heart is set on vengeance, it’s hard to derail it.

But David’s desire for vengeance was interrupted by Nabal’s wife…Abigail. (1 Sam. 25:3,33) First, she takes responsibility for Nabal’s sin, then she reminds David of his commitment to live rightly before the Lord and allow God to decide whether someone gets their “just rewards.” She averts David’s anger, allowing God to settle things in His own way.

How often I’ve been like David and wanted to “strap on my sword” when someone mistreated me. The feelings are quick and automatic.

But God has sent us an Abigail, in the person of Jesus. Jesus comes to us, having taken the sins of our Nabal on Himself. He reminds us we are to live Christ-like in the face of accusers and abusers. If we, like David, will allow the Holy Spirit to interrupt our vengeful attitude, then we will respond in a more Christ-like manner and trust God to administer the right justice. (Deuteronomy. 32:35) (Heb. 12:24) (1 Sam. 24:15)

So when you want to get back at someone, listen to Abigail. Listen to Jesus.

If You’re Attracted to Someone Else…

by

Let’s cut to the chase. There will be times when we find ourselves attracted to someone other than our spouse. We don’t like to admit it, but it happens. We see someone and do a double-take. We’re with a group of people and find ourselves drawn to someone’s humor, personality, or interests.

This is normal and typically not a problem. But when that attraction gets out of hand, we start comparing this person’s positive traits to our spouse’s negative traits. We become more and more distant and dissatisfied with our spouse. This signals a move from normal attraction to fatal attraction, and we need to do something.

But before we can do something about an unhealthy attraction, we must understand it.

WHY ARE WE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE?

In general, we are attracted to someone else when…

  • We see something we like. – Maybe we’re attracted to a certain look, style, or body shape. Perhaps we’re attracted to their personality or attitude. Maybe we’re attracted to the way they carry and conduct themselves. Whatever it is, we see something we like and we find it attractive.
  • The person is different from what we’re used to. We become so used to our spouse’s looks, behaviors, and attitudes that someone different feels refreshing and inviting.
  • Our relationship with our spouse is not going well. When our relationship with our spouse is stagnant or frustrating, it’s easier to be attracted to someone else. The attraction feels like a reaction for the other person, but it’s actually a reaction against our marriage’s current state.

WHEN IS BEING ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE A PROBLEM?

Normal attraction becomes a problem when…

  • We think about the other person when they’re not there.
  • Our thoughts about the other person are increasing.
  • We compare the other person to our spouse in a way that is negative toward our spouse.
  • We start fantasizing about the other person.

When we do these things regularly and increasingly, we move from a normal attraction to a hurtful attraction. It becomes an unhealthy affair of the mind, and it will hurt our relationship with our spouse.

WHAT SHOULD WE DO WHEN WE’RE ATTRACTED TO SOMEONE ELSE?

When we find ourselves attracted to someone other than our spouse, there are three things we need to do:

Remember.

Here are some things we need to remember when we’re attracted to someone else:

  • The attraction is not a call to action.
  • Reality will never measure up to our fantasy.
  • Those attractive differences would eventually aggravate. (Just as they did with our spouse?)
  • We’re only seeing the good side of the person. There’s another side we’re not seeing.

Refocus.

When we find ourselves strongly attracted to someone other than our spouse, we need to refocus on…

  • All the things we like about our spouse…rather than the few things we don’t like.
  • The good times and history we’ve shared with our spouse.
  • Our family and friends, and how much they love us.
  • What we can do to make our relationship with our spouse better.

Remove.

If remembering and refocusing is not enough to short-circuit the attraction, we need to keep our distance from the other person. This can be awkward but, as much as possible, you need to distance yourself from them.

We will all find ourselves attracted to someone other than our spouse at times. Don’t let this attraction throw you or take you down the wrong roads. What’s the bottom line?

If you’re attracted to someone else…understand but don’t upgrade!

1 Samuel 23-24 – How to Go High When They Go Low

by

As children, we’re taught to play fair and do what’s right…even if no one else is…then things will turn out alright for us.

But what do you do when doing the right thing seems to make matters worse?

In 1 Samuel chapters 23 and 24, David is taking the high road and doing what’s right and honorable, yet matters keep getting worse.

  • David rescues a town of people, and they sell him out to King Saul. (1 Sam. 23:12)
  • David defeats Saul’s enemies (1 Sam. 23:5) yet Saul moves in to kill him. (1 Sam. 23:7-8)
  • David retreats from Saul, refusing to challenge or threaten him, yet Saul pursues David night and day. (1 Sam. 23:14)
  • David has the opportunity to kill Saul, yet chooses to show him honor instead. And still, Saul continues his homicidal pursuit of David.

How did David continue to take the high road rather than give Saul a taste of his own medicine?

  • David made God, not Saul, the object of his focus and asked God to show him what to do. (1 Sam. 23:2-6, 9-12)
  • David focused on God’s long-term plan, rather than his short-term relief. (1 Sam. 23:16-17)
  • David trusted God to rightly settle accounts, even if Saul didn’t. (1 Sam. 24:12,15)
  • Finally, David protected himself, while giving God time to work.

David had learned from his youth that his battles were not his to fight. He learned he should stay close and right with God and trust God to fight the battle. (1 Sam. 17:47)

What battle are you trying to fight in your own strength? What wrong are you trying to right in your own way? Perhaps David (and God) is trying to tell you something.