Month: June 2016

Facing the Witch

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Dorothy and her companions reluctantly leave the safety of the Emerald City to do the unthinkable…face the Wicked Witch of the West. They try to be confident, but are far from it. They travel through a dark and ominous woods, weak in the knees and constantly looking over their shoulders for a much feared attack.

The attack comes as fearsome images begin to darken the sky and swarm around Dorothy and her friends. Dorothy is caught in the clutches of flying monkeys that carry her away to the witch’s castle. There she finds herself alone with the one she has feared and tried to avoid since the beginning her journey…the Wicked Witch of the West.

She fearfully stands face-to-face with the witch. Dorothy wants her freedom and the witch wants what is left of Dorothy’s power and independence…her ruby slippers. Knowing there can only be one winner, the witch threatens Dorothy’s life then leaves her alone to sink into the depths of fear and desperation.

But her friends are loyal and loving, and they will not abandon her. Covering rough terrain and difficult circumstances, they march into the heart of Dorothy’s darkness and break down the door that holds her captive.

Reunited, Dorothy and her friends make a break for it. They try one escape route and then another, but they can’t escape the witch. Cornered by the witch, this innocent little girl unexpectedly discovers the power to destroy the witch. In an attempt to save the scarecrow from flames, Dorothy throws a bucket of water. The liquid redemption drenches the witch, melting her into a puddle of goo on the grimy castle floor.

And with that, the war is over. Dorothy is stunned that something as simple and pure as water could bring the witch’s reign of terror to an end.

With the witch’s broom stick in hand, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, and the Cowardly Lion head back to the Emerald City to see the Wizard and finally claim what they’ve longed for. Dorothy will finally take the road out of Oz.

As a survivor, it can feel like a punch in the gut to have come so far and gotten so much better only to find out you still must face the witch. Your witch may be the insult of unfairness and injustice. Your witch may be the failure of others to protect you. Your witch may be the abuser(s) who have seemingly escaped justice and consequences. Your witch is whatever is large, looming, and seemingly unredeemable about your abuse.

Some survivors resist and even refuse the idea they must face their witch, deciding they would rather stay where they are…out of the woods but never really home. Others reluctantly accept it and start down the road to a final show down.

The road to your witch is a dark and frightening path. It can cause your heart and mind to race with dreadful possibilities. That’s why it’s good to travel this road with others you trust. Never underestimate the power and importance of traveling with others. You need their strength and encouragement when the “flying monkeys” threaten to swarm you and sweep you away.

But in the end, if you want to be free, you and you alone must face your witch. And make no mistake, there will be a winner and a loser. Either your witch will own your life or you will.

So what is the bucket of water that will bring an end to your witch’s fearful reign over your life?

It is the water of forgiveness. I know the mere mention of forgiveness may repel you in disgust, but hear me out. I am not talking about a quick and easy forgiveness that cheapens the offense and the damage done to you. I am talking about a hard fought forgiveness that comes at the end of a long hard journey. I am talking about a forgiveness that is undeserved by the offender, but freeing to the offended. I am talking about a forgiveness that covers the offense and frees you from waiting for a restitution that may never come and will never be enough. When you finally apply the water of forgiveness to the evil that has ruled you for so long, you will finally be free from your witch. (I’ll write more about forgiveness in a future post.)

When you walk away from this final showdown, you will still carry mementoes of your experiences. Instead of a broom stick, there will be memories, triggers, and feelings from the past. But like the broom stick Dorothy carried back to the Emerald City, your mementoes will no longer have power over you.

At that point, you are ready for home.

Is A Normal Marriage Good Enough?

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The word “normal” can go either way.  If you’re talking about blood pressure, eye sight, or the size of your newborn’s head, “normal” is a good thing.  If you’re talking about academics, talent, or marriage, “normal” seems less than desirable.

Many couples beat themselves up and stress themselves out trying to keep their marriage from slipping into “normal.” (See the movie, “This is 40.”)

What is it that causes us to think “normal” is not good enough when it comes to marriage?

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What Do You Mean There’s One More Thing?

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After their brief respite in the poppy field, Dorothy and her friends finally arrive at the gleaming Emerald City. It is a happy, carefree place where they can relax, refresh, and refuel. It is a place where they can get some final brush-ups and touch-ups after their long journey.

Then, just when they are ready to see the Wizard and complete their journey, they are reminded that their enemy is still alive and well. The Wicked Witch of the West, the biggest enemy of them all, invades their merriment, writing her demand for surrender across a darkened sky.

With fear and intimidation literally hanging over their heads, they run to the Wizard, hoping he will protect them from the witch and make everything right. But the Wizard is not as benevolent as they had hoped. Instead of protecting them from the Wicked Witch of the West, the Wizard tells them they can’t get what they want until they face her. They are heart broken and frustrated. They thought they had escaped the witch, and now they are told they must face her and bring back her broom stick. In other words, they must defeat her.

You have already journeyed long and hard. You have faced the frightening memories that you have avoided for years. You have not only gained an understanding of how your abuse has affected you, but you have gained some control of the thoughts and reactions that have mystified you for years. You are learning to trust others, and you are getting more comfortable with intimacy…both emotionally and physically. Looking back, you feel you have accomplished a feat comparable to climbing Mt. Everest. You have gotten better.

And though you almost settled for “better,” others encouraged you to push on and complete the journey. Now you feel like you have reached your goal. You finally feel you have arrived.

So the thought that there is one more thing to face can be a frustrating belly-drop…but you still have to face the witch.

The witch is different for different people. It the may be the underlying unfairness of what happened and how the perpetrator has gone unpunished. It could be the abuser(s) and the place they currently have in your heart, head, and life. Maybe the witch you need to face is those who should have known what was going on and protected you. Or it could be the difficult questions about God and His seeming lack of attention and intervention.

Whatever it is, there is no getting around it. You must face your witch once and for all. Otherwise, your witch will still be out there writing threatening messages over your head.

I Can See It From Here. Why Not Take a Break?

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Finally, Dorothy and her traveling companions come out of the dark forest. The sun is shining, the air is clear, and the field before them is filled with colorful flowers swaying in the wind. When they come over the hill, they see it! The Emerald City! Gleaming on the hill against the bright blue sky. Dorothy has dreamed about this place and she has pushed hard to get there. The end is finally in sight!

Eager to complete their journey, the travelers joyously pick up the pace. Then something happens. The Wicked Witch of the West casts a spell and they begin to tire. Their long journey catches up with them, and all they want to do is to stop and take a nap. They feel they can afford to take a break, because they’re so close.

They’re so close…yet so far.

The Scarecrow, unaffected by the witch’s spell, knows they are in danger. He instinctively knows if they stop now they will never reach their destination. So he tries to keep them awake and urge them on, but one by one his companions begin to fall asleep.

Then, when all seems lost, Glenda the Good Witch of the East, initiates something very unexpected. In the middle of a spring-like day, snow begins to fall on Dorothy and her friends. This out-of-the-blue event revives the travelers and they rise to finish their journey.

After facing your “lion,” things can seem a little lighter and brighter, as if the dark perils of the journey are now behind you. After all, you have made some good progress and gained some great traveling companions. With the end in sight, you are ready to finish this thing up.

Then, the long and difficult trip starts to catch up with you. You start to feel fatigued and you begin to think, “Why not take a little break? After all, I’m closer than I’ve ever been. I can see the destination from here. Why not rest a little?”

When this happens, you are in danger of being lulled to sleep. The thought of settling for “close enough” will anesthetize you. Yes, you are closer than you have ever been, but you are not there yet. You are stuck between where you have been and where you could be, and if you stop you could stay stuck for a very long time.

Don’t get me wrong. It is important to pace yourself, but pacing yourself does not mean stop.

This is where you need encouragement to keep moving forward. This may come from those further down the road than you. It may come when something completely unexpected (like cold snow on a warm spring day) hits you and reminds you that all is still not well. Whatever it is, don’t let the desire for a temporary respite keep you from reaching your goal. You’re not there until you’re there.

What If Your Spouse Came With Emojis?

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Emojis are the little faces and symbols we use to clarify the intent and feeling behind the words we text, tweet, and post. It was once just elementary school children who drew smiley faces on ruled paper, but now CEO’s in suits are tacking these little faces on the end of their electronic communications. Emojis are the hieroglyphics of our time.

Wouldn’t it be great if emoji’s showed up on your spouse’s forehead to tell you what they were thinking and feeling? Think about it! No more wondering what’s really going on behind their words and actions. 

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If I Only Had the Courage

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Before Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man can reach the Emerald City, they must pass through a dark, dense forest. Thick overgrowth shuts out the sunlight, and they begin to imagine the dangers lurking in the shadows. “Lions and Tigers and Bears…Oh my!” Their hearts race, their fears increases, and their steps quicken. They just want to get out of this place.

It’s here they come face to face with one of their biggest fears…a lion! Dorothy runs for cover as the would-be-thinker and the would-be-feeler scatter in panic.

But when the lion pursues her precious dog, Toto, something snaps inside of Dorothy. She can no longer watch from the side lines as this lion terrorizes what is precious to her. Dorothy steps up, faces the lion, and slaps him in the face.

At that moment, the lion crumbles. His fearsome exterior falls away and he becomes more pitiful than powerful. In that moment, the weak becomes powerful and the powerful becomes weak.

When Dorothy learns of the lion’s need, she compassionately invites him to travel with them to see if the Wizard might give him the courage he lacks. The lion accepts, and they set off arm-in-arm for the Emerald City…in search of a brain, a heart, some courage, and a way back home.

You have made the decision to walk toward a better way of life. You have realized that both your thinking and your feelings have been affected by what you have been through. You feel like you’ve been making progress.

But then things get darker and more fearful, Maybe it’s an increase in flashbacks, an increase in nightmares, or an increase in relationship difficulties. Whatever it is, your fear, anxiety, and dread begin to grow until you come face to face with your lion.

Your lion is the thing you did not want to face. It could be the memory you did not want to remember, the idea you did not want to consider, or the feeling you didn’t want to feel. Like a lion jumping out of the forrest, it sends you running for cover.

But this lion will eventually push you to realize…

  • “I’ve come this far and faced so much already. I can’t throw it away now.”
  • “If I run away, where will I go? I can’t go back to where I used to be. Too much has transpired.”
  • “I’m tired of this lion, and others like it, bullying me and the people I love.”

Something will go off inside of you and you’ll do what you didn’t think you could do. You’ll confront the lion, and it will give way. Your lion may not yield as quickly as Dorothy’s lion, but it will eventually lose its bluster and become more weak and pitiful than you imagined. In that moment, the powerful will become weak and the weak will become powerful. This act of courage is an important turning point on the road out of Oz.