Ever face a job and thought, “I really don’t want to wade into this!” Whether it was cleaning the garage, painting the house, or cleaning out a closet, you just weren’t looking forward to it.
That’s how I felt when I opened 1 Chronicles and saw 9 chapters of genealogy. I wasn’t excited about wading through a list of names I couldn’t pronounce and people I knew nothing about.
Perhaps God knew this would be an issue for readers because scattered throughout the genealogy are nuggets of information that catch your attention and make you think.
When I came to the descendants of Judah, in 1 Chronicles chapters 1-2, I read that Judah had twin sons by his daughter-in-law, Tamar! (1 Chron. 2:4) According to Genesis chapter 38, when Tamar’s husband died, Judah (her father-in-law) failed to provide another husband for her, as was the custom of the time. She took matters into her own hands, dressed as a prostitute, and seduced her father-in-law into sleeping with her. Out of this, she gave birth to twin sons.
This sordid story is noteworthy because Tamar and her sons are mentioned in another genealogy… Matthew chapter 1…the genealogy of Jesus!
Most of us try to hide the sordid parts of our family tree, but God makes sure to mention a shady pregnancy and two illegitimate children in the genealogy of the Son of God! Why? Because everyone matters! Everyone counts! Every person whose name I so quickly glance over played a critical part in the progression of events that brought us to now.
If it’s true of a morally questionable father-in-law, a deceiving daughter-in-law, and her two illegitimate sons…then it’s true of us. We matter! We count!
Someday, a generation far removed from us will be skimming through some genealogy and glance over our name. Our name will mean nothing to them. It won’t even cause them to slow down. But, like the generations before us, we will have had an impact on their present and future.
Withholding affection is another item on the list of ways you can lose your marriage. If this seems obvious, it’s because so many spouses feel a great lack of affection in their marriage.
AFFECTION
Now I know the word “affection” can sound a little mushy and sappy. It can sound like something you would read on a touchy-feely Hallmark card.
So let me define affection simply and easily. Affection is…Helping someone feel loved and longed for. And just like acceptance and appreciation, affection is not so much about what you feel. It’s more about what you do!
WHY AFFECTION IS IMPORTANT
I don’t care how young or old you are, everyone wants to feel loved and longed for. That’s why both children and adults say things like:
Did you miss me?
Do you love me?
If you really loved me, you would…
How much do you love me?
We say these things because we all want to feel loved and longed for…
By our spouse or significant other.
By our parents.
By our kids.
Yet we don’t always feel loved or longed for. And when we don’t feel that…it hurts and it leads us to feel insecure or unwanted. It may even prompt us to look elsewhere for the affection we crave.
Now no one is perfect. People have things going on in their hearts, minds, and lives that will sometimes get in the way of them showing us the affection we desire. And when we’re not feeling loved and longed for by others, it’s hard to show affection back. You may even need to address those feelings with certain people.
But, you can still show them affection.
HOW TO SHOW AFFECTION
So how can you show affection to people…especially to those who aren’t showing it to you?
I’m going to give you 3 ways that you can show affection. And these are effective not only between spouses in marriage but in almost any relationship.
To start…
SHARE with them.
When I was growing up, I had to share a room with two brothers. So I had a special place in my room where I would hide things I didn’t want my brothers to get. When I became a parent, I would still hide things. Only now, I would hide chocolate in the house, because I didn’t want my kids to get it.
There’s something about us that leads us to be stingy with things.
But if you want to show affection to someone, you share what you have with them. It could be the last piece of desert, your seat, or even the TV remote. (This last one is a hard one for me.)
Why does sharing with someone help them feel loved and longed for? Because it shows them they’re more important to you than your stuff. Sharing with others is a great first step to showing affection.
Next, you can…
SERVE them.
Serving is a great way to show someone affection. Serve them, not because you have to, but because you want to…because you care for them.
Think about a time when someone served you…just because. Didn’t that make you feel loved?!
I remember one fall day when I needed to rake my yard. it was the end of a very difficult week, and the yard was thick with leaves. I just didn’t feel I had it in me to take on this job. Still, it needed to be done. So I got out the rake and went to work. But a few minutes into it, I was already exhausted. I looked at the yard and thought, “I’ve barely made a dent in this. I’m going to be here all day!”
Just then, a pickup circled our cut-de-sac for the second time. But this time, the truck pulled up in front of our house. Out stepped a young man in his late teens or early 20’s. He walked up, introduced himself, and said, “Can I help you with the yard?”
Not being someone who’s good at receiving help, I said, “Oh no. That’s awfully nice of you, but I can get it.”
But, this young man would not be deterred. He kept insisting until I finally caved and agreed. He jumped in his truck and quickly came back with a rake, and a wheelbarrow and went to work. And in no time, the whole yard was raked clean.
I thanked him again and again for being so kind to stop and help. I tried to pay him, but he wouldn’t accept it. He told me that since he was a small child, he had been taught by his parents and his church that he should love others and that it was just the thing to do.
I shook his hand again, thanked him again, and watched him drive off. And as he drove away, I felt loved…because he had freely served me.
Never miss an opportunity to serve someone…especially your spouse.
But there’s one more thing you can do to help your spouse (and others) feel loved and longed for…
SACRIFICE for them.
What does it mean to sacrifice yourself for someone? It means you’re willing to go through hard times so they don’t have to. Ask yourself…
Am I willing to go through difficulties so my spouse (or someone else) doesn’t have to?
What are some ways I could sacrifice my wants, needs, and desires for them?
There is no greater sign of affection than sacrificing for someone else. In the New Testament, Jesus said: “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends”. (John 15:13)
Sacrifice is the ultimate act of affection.
A FINAL WORD…
Sharing. Serving. Sacrificing. These are the things that show your spouse (and others) that they are loved and longed for. These are the behaviors that show affection.
You may be waiting to get these things before you give them, but waiting for your spouse to go first doesn’t really work. (Check out my Normal Marriage post entitled “The List – Wait for Your Spouse to God First.”)
When you share, serve, and sacrifice for another, you’re not only helping them to feel loved and longed for, you’re also showing them a higher plane of existence…much as the New Testament portrays Jesus. But…when you fail to show affection and you fail to help people feel loved and longed for, you do damage to the relationship and the marriage. And that’s why this one is…on the list.
“You can run, but you can’t hide!” This statement refers to the idea that eventually justice will be served and payment will be required for wrongs done.
We’re taught this, but we act as if it’s not true. There’s something that tempts us to do what we want now and act as if there will be no consequences in the future. Then, when the consequences finally come, we are left with sorrowful regrets and “if only’s.”
This is the flavor of the final two chapters of 2 Kings. After His people repeatedly disregard His warnings and do what they wanted to do, God can no longer patiently and mercifully hold back the consequences of their actions. Those consequences finally catch up with them. And it’s heartbreaking.
The temple is ransacked and looted.
All but the poor are taken prisoner and deported.
The king runs in fear but is captured and forced to watch his sons be killed.
Then, the king’s eyes are gouged out and he is carried away as a prisoner.
The book of 2 Kings ends in dismal despair and hopelessness.
But, what’s the point?! Why end a book this way?
Here’s the point. God’s people wrongly assume their relationship with Him will lead Him to overlook their disobedience and rebellion. They think His love will lessen His discipline. But it doesn’t. God’s love may postpone His discipline, but it doesn’t prevent His discipline. (Hebrews 12:6)
Numbers 32:23 says that we can be sure our sin will find us and reveal us. Galatians 6:7 says that we can’t ignore God and get away with it.
So when you choose your present actions, keep the long-term consequences in mind. Be faithful in the present so you won’t have to be fearful in the future. Because…we can run, but we can’t hide.
Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage, and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and watching marriage fail.
Maybe you know the pain of not feeling accepted by someone. Nothing feels quite as lonely or demeaning as not feeling accepted by a person or a group of people.
Acceptance is not one of those things we typically talk about when it comes to marriage, but if your spouse doesn’t feel accepted by you, it can lead to the demise of the marriage.
WHEN YOU’RE NOT ACCEPTED
When I was a kid, I was not very good at sports. In fact, I was lousy at sports. I wasn’t very coordinated, I wasn’t very competitive, and I wasn’t very interested. I was more into art and music.
So, when they were choosing up sides for a game, I was always the last to be picked. And in all honesty, I wasn’t really picked. Some team just wound up being stuck with me.
To this day, I still remember the hurt and the embarrassment of not really being accepted.
Maybe you can think of a time when you didn’t feel accepted. Maybe…
You were the new kid in school.
You weren’t interested in the same things as everyone else.
You looked or dressed differently.
You didn’t speak the same language.
You didn’t get the place or position you wanted.
No matter your age, you probably know the sting of not feeling accepted, and so you know why it’s so important to help others feel accepted…especially if that someone is your spouse.
You may be thinking, “My spouse feels accepted. I married them didn’t I?!” But there’s more to feeling accepted than just having someone on your team. Remember, as a kid, I wound up on a team, but I sure didn’t feel accepted.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO FEEL ACCEPTED?
Let me give you a simple definition of what it means to feel accepted. Acceptance is helping someone feel welcomed and wanted.
If someone doesn’t feel welcomed and wanted, they’re not going to feel accepted. And I can guarantee you that there are spouses out there that don’t feel that welcomed or wanted by their spouse. You may be one of them. Your spouse may be one of them.
HOW TO MAKE OTHERS FEEL ACCEPTED
It really is more simple than you think to help someone feel welcomed and wanted…to feel accepted. You can start with these three simple steps:
Greet Them Well.
If I come home from a hard day at work, and my wife grunts out “Oh, hey” and barely looks up from what she’s doing, it doesn’t do much for my mood or self-esteem. But if I come through the door after a long hard day and she looks up, breaks out a smile, and says, “I’m so glad you’re home!” My attitude takes an upswing for the rest of the night.
That’s the power of a simple greeting!
Do you greet your spouse as if they’re just another face in a sea of faces, or do you greet them as if you’re really glad to see them?
Treat Them Well.
This is the second way you can help your spouse feel accepted.
One reason your spouse was attracted to you in the first place is that you went out of your way to treat them well. You put them first, you deferred to the things they liked to do, you carefully watched your words and your attitude, you surprised them with things…in short, you treated them well.
Are you still treating them like that, or have you let those things slip? Are you still showing them how much you want them, or are you just taking them for granted?
Never stop treating them well, and they will never stop feeling appreciated.
Trust Them When Things Don’t Go Well.
This third step is so important because things will not always go well in your relationship. There will be times when you disagree and butt heads. There will be times of misinterpretation and missed expectations. And when these things happen, it’s really easy to convince yourself that the other person is intentionally being hurtful and malicious, and take it personally.
But just because you disagree and your emotions rise, it doesn’t mean that they’re out to get you or that they don’t want you. It just means you’re both fallible humans.
So give them the benefit of the doubt. Trust that despite the disagreement and emotions, they still love you and want you. It will make it easier for you both to continue to feel welcomed and wanted…even in the midst of difficult times.
A FINAL WORD…
I know this is a simple concept, but sometimes when something is that simple we just fail to think about it or do it.
Just because two people are married doesn’t mean they feel accepted. So work hard in your marriage (and your other relationships) to make sure people feel welcomed and wanted.
Because, if you do, not only will they feel accepted, they will reflect that acceptance back toward you.
And, if you don’t, it could eventually cause you to lose your marriage. Remember…IT’S ON THE LIST!
When I was 9 years old, my parents got me and my brother guitars. We both took lessons, learned how to hold them, strum them, and even play some beginner-type songs.
But for my brother, it always seemed stiff, forced, and a little awkward. While for me, I just got it! I internalized it. I became devoted to spending more time learning and practicing. It became a part of me.
It’s the same with God. Some people connect with Him, while others just learn about Him. Some spend time with Him; practicing His principles until they become an internalized way of life. Others learn the routines and procedures, but God never becomes a natural part of their life. Consequently, they drop God, or they pull Him out occasionally…like the one song they know how to play in front of others.
In 2 Kings chapters 22-23, Josiah passionately desires to follow God and puts his whole self into doing it. He didn’t want to tinker with “music.” He had the heart of a “musician.”
Any musician knows that for the music to come “alive,’ you must completely commit to it. This is Josiah.
His heart breaks when he realizes Judah is not what they should be. (2 Kings 22:11, 13)
He commits to Judah becoming what God has called them to be. (2 Kings 23:3)
He diligently changes things and practices life as God intended. (2 Kings 23:4-20)
He turned to God with his heart, soul, and strength. (2 Kings 23:25)
Are you playing at knowing God? Are you satisfied knowing and doing just enough to technically say you have a connection with Him? Or are you yearning for and committed to the Living God, so that He becomes a part of you…like the music that wells up from within the musician?
Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and watching marriage fail.
Ok. Let’s jump right into this. One of the ways you can lose your spouse is to not accept them.
You may be thinking, “I married them, didn’t I? What do you mean not accept them?”
TO FEEL UNACCEPTED
Too many marriages fail because spouses have trouble accepting each other for who they are.
Now let me say at the outset, I’m not suggesting that you should accept abuse, adultery, addictions, or abandonment. These are things that are destructive to both you and to the marriage and should never be accepted as being ok.
What I’m talking about is accepting your spouse for the unique person they are…even if they’re different from you. (And they are!) Believe it or not, one of the things that attracted you to each other was your differences.
But after we’re married, we start trying to change those differences and make our spouses more like ourselves. This comes across as a lack of acceptance, and it feels not only disrespectful but also hurtful.
Most everyone has felt the sting of not being accepted at one time or another. Maybe…
You were the new kid in class.
You moved and had trouble making friends.
You looked different than others.
You spoke a different language.
You didn’t get the job or position you wanted.
You weren’t interested in the same things as others.
Whatever it was/is, you probably know what it feels like to not be accepted.
To not feel accepted in your marriage is soul-crushing. No one is perfect, but we all need to feel accepted…especially by our spouse. So, you need to help your spouse feel accepted in marriage.
WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO HELP YOUR SPOUSE FEEL ACCEPTED?
Acceptance is one of those things that you know when you feel it, but it’s hard to define and put into words. So let me give you a simple definition of acceptance. Acceptance is simply…
Helping someone feel welcomed and wanted.
When you feel welcomed and wanted, you feel accepted. When you were dating, you worked hard to make each other feel welcomed and wanted. But the longer you’re married, the easier it is to not feel as accepted, because…
We stop trying so hard to accept each other once we’re married.
We let common courtesies fall by the wayside.
We get frustrated when married life doesn’t live up to our expectations.
We start focusing more on what we don’t like about our spouse than on what we do.
Many a spouse is hurt and withering in marriage because they feel unaccepted as a person.
HOW CAN YOU HELP YOUR SPOUSE FEEL ACCEPTED?
I know this sounds like a big broad topic to get your hands around, but you can help your spouse (or anyone else for that matter) feel accepted…welcomed, and wanted…in 3 really simple ways:
Greet them well.
When I come home from work, if my wife grunts out a “hey” and barely looks up from what she’s doing, it sets the whole tone for my evening. But if she smiles at me, gives me a big “Hey, I’m so glad you’re home” it puts me in a completely different and better mood. If she comes and gives me a hug and a kiss, that’s even better.
It’s funny how a simple greeting can change a spouse’s attitude…all because they feel welcomed and wanted.
Treat them well.
Now granted, they may not deserve to be treated well. Maybe they’ve been grumpy, or ugly, or hard to get along with. But haven’t there been times when you were the same way, and you still wanted to be treated well?
So whether they deserve it or not, consistently try to:
Do nice things for them.
Think about what they might like.
Put them first.
Speak well of them.
Etc.
Again, you may not feel like it and they might not deserve it. But when you treat them well, they will feel welcomed and wanted. They will feel accepted. This boosts anyone’s spirits and tends to make them want to respond in kind.
Trust when things aren’t going well.
Just because you greet them well and treat them well, doesn’t mean things will always be well between the two of you. There will still be difficulties and conflicts between you that you will have to work out. But when that happens, don’t withdraw. Keep greeting them well and treating them well. Then:
Trust that they truly love you and will eventually be changed through your actions.
Trust God (if you’re a person of faith) that He will work to improve things between the two of you.
A FINAL WORD…
Here are two disclaimers to all of this…
Acceptance is not a cure-all. It is not a magic tactic that fixes anything and everything.
Nor should a spouse accept things like abuse, adultery, addictions, or abandonment. These must be corrected (usually with the help of a counselor or others) for the marriage to work.
But acceptance can be a powerful tool that can strengthen your marriage and draw you closer together. And the lack of accepting your spouse for who they are can eventually cause you to lose your marriage. And so…it’s on the list.
When you were young, did you ever push your parent’s so far that they finally said these words…”That’s enough!” If you ever heard those words from your parents, you knew you had pushed them too far. Their patience had reached its limit. In fact, you had taken it a click or two past the limit. Now there would be consequences that would be unavoidable and non-negotiable.
Welcome to 2 Kings chapter 21. That is exactly what’s happening in this chapter. Hezekiah had been a good king over Judah. He trusted the Lord, was faithful to the Lord in everything he did and was described as a good king of whom there would never be another like him. (2 Kings 18:3-7)
But his son Manasseh was just the opposite. Manasseh ranked right up there with Ahab (the king of Israel) as being one of the worst kings ever. Not only did Manasseh worship pagan deities, he…
Manasseh was more wicked than the kings whom God drove out of the land before him. (2 Kings 21:11) And God said, “That’s enough!” (2 Kings 21:12-15)
In light of all the God has done for us as individuals, as families, and as a nation…it makes you wonder just how close are we to hearing God say, “That’s enough!”
My wife and I had only been married for six months, and it was Christmas eve. We had finished dinner, and I was preparing to watch some Christmas specials when it happened. She asked me a question that jarred me. It came out of nowhere. I hadn’t expected it. I couldn’t even believe she was asking it. But there, on Christmas eve, she had the nerve to ask me…”So, you want to open presents now?”
“What do you mean, ‘you want to open presents now?!’ It’s Christmas eve! You don’t open presents on Christmas eve! You open them on Christmas morning! That’s the way I’ve always done it!” It was quite the scene. But to be fair, she was just as incredulous when I suggested she cook a full breakfast of ham, eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, etc. on Christmas morning…because that’s the way my mom always did it.
Suddenly I realized that we grew up in families that did things very differently.
You don’t have to be married long to realize this. Perhaps…
Your mom cooked every evening, but your wife wants to go out and eat.
Your dad was handy at fixing anything, but your husband can’t do anything but call a repairman.
Your family went on nice family vacations, but your spouse’s family never went anywhere.
You were raised to pick up after yourself, but your spouse wasn’t.
You probably have other examples you could share, but when it comes to marriage, these are the types of things that dampen the relational magic and make things seem more like work.
WHY IS IT BAD TO INSIST ON DOING THINGS LIKE YOUR FAMILY?
Whether it’s holiday traditions or everyday ways of doing things, both you and your spouse come into marriage with different memories and experiences. Some of those memories and experiences you want to hold onto and recreate, while others of those you would rather change. But I can tell you that insisting that your spouse do things like your family did will hurt your marriage.
Maybe you’re just trying to recreate special moments from your childhood so your family can experience them too. There’s nothing wrong with that desire, but insisting on doing things as your family did is not good for the following reasons…
It’s disrespectful and belittling to your spouse and their family.
You come across sounding like the way your family did things was right and the way your spouse’s family did things was wrong. This is hurtful to your spouse and won’t win you any points.
You come across as dictatorial.
Insisting on getting your way is never endearing to your spouse. And it’s especially hurtful when you’re dictating against some of their traditions or ways of doing things. This will leave your spouse with only two options: (1) They can roll over and be subservient, but this is going to create hurt and bitterness on their part. Or, (2) they can become rebellious and refuse to do things the way you want. This will create anger and resentment on your part.
It keeps the two of you from forming new ways that are uniquely yours.
Many wedding ceremonies involve the lighting of a unity candle. The bride and groom each take a candle symbolizing their family, and together they use those two candles to light a candle that symbolizes the start of a new family. Scripture calls it, “the two becoming one.” This involves more than just consummating the marriage. It involves the two of you melting and merging your ways and approaches into something new and unique to the two of you. Insisting on doing things the way your family did is the opposite of that.
SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
It’s easy to say that the two of you should stop insisting on doing things as your families did, and instead find new ways to do things. But just how can you do that without becoming a doormat or a bulldozer?
Well, it will probably be a little different for each couple, but here are some general principles you can follow:
Don’t make fun of the way your spouse’s family did things. Even if your spouse makes fun of something they did, refrain from doing that yourself. Just think about how it stings when they do that to you.
Ask yourself if you want things a certain way because you think it’s best, or just because it preserves a special memory for you. So often, we want to do things the way our family did because we’re trying to preserve a memory or share it with our spouse or family. But often, those memories were for that time and that family, and now’s the time to make new memories with this family.
Each of you identify the things that are not so special to you and you’d be willing to change. Just because you have some special memories about something in your family doesn’t mean that everything was critical to that memory. Both of you figure out what you could do without and offer that up to your spouse.
Take what’s left (the things you want to keep) and see if you might be able to fit those together somehow. Maybe there’s a way for the two of you to take the things that are really special to you and join them together into something that fits both of you.
Let’s go back to my Christmas example. After applying the above steps, some possible solutions might be:
You each open one present on Christmas eve and then the rest on Christmas morning.
One year you open presents on Christmas eve and the other year you open presents on Christmas morning.
You have something different than you usually do for Christmas breakfast, but not as elaborate as a four-course meal.
You have an elaborate Christmas breakfast, but a lite and easy Christmas lunch.
The options are many, depending on whether you have kids, how close you live to family, etc. The thing is to not get stuck in insisting the old way, but instead, move on to creating new ways.
A FINAL WORD…
I know that all of this can sound rather trivial. Who’s going to lose their marriage over whether they open presents on Christmas eve or Christmas morning? But it’s not just about holiday traditions. It’s about how you decide to do life. It’s about a failure to create your own marriage because one or both of you keep trying to live by old family patterns.
Continuing to insist that you and your spouse do things like your family did them will hurt your marriage. And in the long run, it can cause you to lose your marriage. And so…It’s on the list!
