To get from point A to point B often requires several steps…and at times, a little help. But, if you will receive the help and take the steps, it’s amazing how far you can get.
In 2 Samuel chapter 12, David moves from hypocritical sinner to conquering king. But it was a hard trip, requiring some help and several steps.
David needed someone to clearly point out that he was not only moving in the wrong direction but that it was a dangerous direction.
Then, David was able to humbly admit his sin and accept the correction given to him. At this point, David turned and started moving toward God…first in shame and regret, and then in petition for help. And even when God would not make the trip any easier, David worshiped God and acknowledged God’s sovereignty. And finally, David turned his attention to the here and now; comforting those whom his actions hurt and getting back to the work he had neglected. (2 Samuel 11:1)
God’s response was to bless David’s family with a son and to bless his work with a victory.
If we’re to get from where we are to where God wants us to be, we need to mind God’s rules of the road. God’s rules of the road are accountability, confession, repentance, prayer, submission, obedience, and worship. These help us to progress on the trip God desires for us, and they lead us to those rest areas where God can bless us, our families, and our work.
So mind God’s rules of the road, and you will move from where you are to where God wants you to be.
Here’s a riddle for you…What is it that is sought by everyone and available to everyone, but some never find?
If you’ve read the title of this podcast, then you know the answer is “MEANING.” Today on Quick Counsel, we’re going to look at our search for meaning and why it’s so important.
When I am counseling couples, I often ask them this question: “Why did you get married?“ The answers vary…
I fell in love with them.
We had so much in common.
I loved spending time with them.
We were tired of going home at the end of the date.
It just felt like the right time.
I was ready to build a life and a family with them.
Don’t get me wrong, these are all good reasons. But eventually, they are not enough to sustain a marriage. The longer you’re married the more difficult marriage becomes…leaving the above reasons insufficient.
WHY ARE THESE REASONS ARE NOT ENOUGH?
Look again at the reasons listed above…
I fell in love with them.
It’s certainly preferable to fall in love with the person you’re going to marry. But if that’s the main reason for getting married, what happens when you fall out of love? Throughout the course of the marriage, that feeling of falling in love with your spouse will come and go. So you need a bigger reason for marriage than falling in love.
We had so much in common.
People who come to me for premarital counseling focus on how much they have in common. But people who come to me for marriage counseling focus on how different they are. Early in the relationship, we tend to maximize our similarities and minimize our differences. But eventually, the differences begin to force their way to the top. So you need a bigger reason for marriage than your similarities.
I loved spending time with them.
There is a correlation between the amount of quality time we spend together and our feelings of love for one another. Early in the marriage, we’re afforded a lot of quality time together. But the longer you’re married, the more the demands on your time mount, and the less quality time you have. So you need a bigger reason for marriage than loving to spend time together.
We were tired of going home at the end of the date.
I hear this from a lot of people in premarital counseling. The consistent feeling of not wanting to be away from the other is certainly a good sign that this person may be the one. But many couples underestimate the issues that can arise from living under the same roof day in and day out. Some spouses even start yearning for more time alone. So you need a bigger reason for marriage than wanting to spend all your time together.
It just felt like the right time.
Often, when I ask couples why now is the time to get married, they will say, “it just feels right.” But, feelings have a way of coming and going. There will be times in marriage when you might even question whether it really was right or not. So you need a bigger reason for marriage than just a gut feeling that the time is right.
I was ready to build a life and family with them.
Of all the reasons, this is probably one of the better ones. But it is still a reason that stands on shaky ground because we have no idea what that life will look like. And what happens when that family grows up and moves on? These things will change, so you need a bigger reason for marriage than just the desire to build a life and a family with this person.
SO WHAT IS THE BETTER REASON?
When our original reasons don’t work like they use to, we typically try to get our spouse to change…so that things can feel like they used to be. But this creates tension and conflict in a marriage and usually makes matters worse.
When our former reasons don’t seem to be working, the answer is not to change our spouse. It’s to change us! That’s the real reason for marriage.
We need to understand that all the above reasons are good and important, but they are merely gateways to connect us and bring us into marriage. They can’t sustain a marriage. The real reason for getting married is that God uses marriage to mold and shape us into who we need to be. This is what it means when Scripture says, “the two become one.”
God wants to use our marriage to make us less selfish and more sacrificial. To be less self-focused and more other-focused. To learn to love more for what we can give than what we can get. It’s just that we don’t tend to see this early in the relationship. It’s something we need to grow into with time and experience.
A FINAL WORD…
No matter how you answer the question, “Why did you get married?” there’s a bigger and better question for you to answer. That question is, “Why are you married now?” If your answer is so you can grow into a better person for your spouse, you’re on the right track.
“What a difference a day makes.” It can be bright one day and dark the next. Your investments can be growing one day and tanking the next. A relationship can be great one day and falling apart the next. What a difference a day makes!
When it comes to 2 Samuel chapter 11, we could say, “What a difference a chapter makes.” In 2 Samuel chapter 10, David is the conquering king. But in chapter 11, David is the cowardly sinner. In chapter 10, David is killing the enemy. But in chapter 11, David is killing his own man.
How did this happen!
Though the change in David seems quick and radical from chapter 10 to chapter 11, it was actually a slow and subtle slide. David started taking it easy. He let up a little. After all, he had worked hard and suffered much in his life. No one would begrudge him for taking a little break…even if it was the time when kings were normally out working hard with the troops.
So, instead of advancing on the enemy, he stayed behind. Instead of aggressively taking ground, he took a nap. Instead of running toward victory on the battleground, he took a stroll on a roof. And things just naturally progressed (or rather digressed) from there. With each wrong decision, David became more insensitive to God and what was right.
It can happen to us, too. One decision leads to another, which leads to another, and so on. We need to remember that there are really no small decisions. Decisions have a cumulative effect. They lead somewhere. And because of that, we should not make decisions casually.
Perhaps the phrase should be, “What a difference a decision makes!”
Intimacy…Some long for it and some fear it. But most everyone has trouble defining it and improving it.
Today on quick counsel we’re going to dive into the mystery of intimacy. We’re gonna look at how we define it and how you can improve it particularly in the context of marriage. So let’s go.
I don’t know about you, but when I hear the phrase “spice up your marriage,” the first thing that comes to my mind is coming home from work and finding my wife in the kitchen wearing nothing but an apron and a smile. (Sorry…too much information.)
Well, let me say before we go any further…this post is not about sex. So, wives, you can relax; and husbands, you can be disappointed.
But I believe that if you take this post to heart and begin to practice some of the things we’re going to talk about, it can be an easy way to spice up your marriage.
COMMON COURTESY
Believe it or not, one of the easiest ways to spice up your marriage is by practicing common courtesy. You’ve done this in the past when you were dating, and hopefully, you’re still doing it.
What Is Common courtesy?
Common courtesy is showing simple acts of kindness, politeness, and deference toward your spouse. It’s things like:
Saying thank you.
Holding the door.
Asking if you can help.
Complimenting.
Letting them go first.
Asking them what they would like to do.
Refreshing their drink.
Clearing the table.
Impromptu texts or calls to say, “I love you.”
Washing their car.
Letting them choose the movie or music.
Asking for forgiveness.
Saying excuse me.
Greeting them with a hug and a smile when they come home (even if your clothes are on.)
You can build your own list because common courtesy is as different and varied as marriage itself.
As I said, this is something we all did early in the relationship. It’s part of the reason we fell so in love with one another. But the longer we’re married, the more we let time, responsibilities, stressors, children, and fatigue crowd out common courtesy in our marriage.
Why is Common Courtesy Important?
When we let common courtesy slip, it begins to dull our feelings of love for one another.
You may be thinking…
“Yeah, but we’ve been married for a long time. They know I love them. Is it really that important that I keep doing these things?”
And the answer is…YES! Common courtesy is important because it adds the everyday spices a marriage needs. What are those spices?
Honor. Common courtesy is an everyday way of honoring your spouse.
Value. Common courtesy is an everyday way of showing you value your spouse.
Blessing. Common courtesy is an everyday way of blessing your spouse.
Sacrifice. Common courtesy is an everyday way of showing simple, on-going sacrifice.
Love. Common courtesy is an everyday way of demonstrating basic, boots-on-the-ground love.
Modeling. Common courtesy is an everyday way of modeling all the above, not just for your spouse, but for your children.
These are the daily spices you can add to your marriage by showing common courtesy. Doing this on a daily basis can help awaken a sleeping marriage and strengthen a good marriage because it shows your spouse they’re too important to overlook. And when they know that, they will tend to do the same for you.
A FINAL THOUGHT
Let’s be honest. This is not a big ask. It’s one of the simplest and easiest things you can do to invest in your marriage. It’s cheaper than marriage retreats, counseling, and divorce. It doesn’t cost you anything!
So do something simple, easy, and inexpensive to spice up your marriage. Spice up your marriage by showing common courtesy to your spouse. Who knows…it might lead to even spicier things!
In chapter 9, David shows himself to be a man of his word. There, he’s intent on keeping a promise he made, even though everyone around him would say, “You’re not obligated to do this.” He commits to showing kindness to Mephibosheth as long as he lived, even though this is the descendant of the king who sought to kill him.
In chapter 10, David attempts to show sympathy and concern to the new Amorite king at the loss of his father. David was under no obligation to do so, but this king’s father had been loyal to David and David wanted to return that loyalty. But when the new king responded harshly to David’s gestures, David was not afraid to deal with the difficult situation.
In short, David was a man of integrity. He was the real deal. He was devoted to God, devoted to others, and devoted to doing the right thing. These are the characteristics of integrity.
I want to be more like David in these ways. I want people to look at me and say, “He’s the real deal. He’s the same no matter where he is or who he’s with.” I want to be a person of integrity. How about you?
Some people are resistant to the idea of seeing a counselor. They don’t see the need for it, and they certainly can’t see how they could benefit from counseling.
If you know someone like this…or if you are someone like this…this episode is for you!
Do you feel like you’re starving in your marriage? Maybe you’ve not admitted it to anyone. Perhaps you’ve tried to downplay it, rationalize it, or ignore it. But you feel it. Inside, you’re starving for:
Attention.
Affection.
Time.
Support.
Appreciation.
Acceptance.
Encouragement.
Etc.
Whatever it may be, if you feel like you’re starving for something in marriage, there’s an allegorical story about Heaven and Hell that has a direct application for you…
THE STORY
There was a man who took a tour of Hell. There, he found the inhabitants of Hell sitting at banquet tables loaded with the richest, most desired food they could ever imagine. Each person had eating utensils in their hands, but their arms were fixed to planks of wood which prevented them from bending their arms to feed themselves. Consequently, everyone sat in the presence of all the food they wanted…yet they were starving.
Then, the man took a tour of Heaven. He was surprised to find that the situation was the same in heaven. The inhabitants of Heaven sat at banquet tables full of the most sumptuous food they could desire, but they too were unable to bend their arms to feed themselves.
Yet the inhabitants of Heaven were well fed and satisfied, while the inhabitants of Hell sat starving. Why? Because the inhabitants of Heaven focused on feeding each other rather than feeding themselves!
THE LESSON
A marriage where spouses are only focused on getting their own needs met can feel a little like Hell, while a marriage where spouses are focused on meeting each other’s needs can feel a lot like Heaven.
If you feel like you’re starving in your marriage, perhaps it’s because you’re more focused on getting your needs met than meeting your spouse’s needs.
Now I can hear some thinking, “What about my spouse? Aren’t they supposed to meet my needs? It would be a lot easier to tend to their needs if they were meeting mine!”
I know. I know. I’ve felt the same thing at times. But that line of thinking only gets you more frustrated and entrenched in your ways…which, by the way, doesn’t work! You don’t change your marriage by changing your spouse. You change your marriage by changing you!
THE HOMEWORK
To paraphrase from the ancient words of the New Testament, a person reaps what they sow. (Gal. 6:7 NIV)
Rather than complaining about what you’re not getting in your marriage, start by giving your spouse the very thing you want.
If you’re starving for attention, try giving attention to your spouse.
If you’re starving for affection, try giving your spouse affection.
If you’re starving for time with your spouse, try giving your spouse more time.
(You get the idea.)
A FINAL STORY
I grew up in the country, and in our front yard, we had an old long-handled pump. If you wanted to get water, you would pump and pump that handle, and eventually, water would come out. (And yes, I know this makes me sound ancient.)
But sometimes, you would pump and pump, and no water would come out. When this happened, you would have to prime the pump. To do this, you would have to dip some water from a nearby bucket and pour the water into the top of the pump, while you continued to pump the handle. When you did this, the pump would eventually start to give out water.
In other words, when the pump seemed to stop working, you had to put water in to get water out.
This is what you need to do in marriage when you feel like you’re starving for something. Whatever it is you desire from your spouse, you need to start pouring into your spouse. It may sound counter-intuitive, but what have you got to lose?
I’m one of those people who tends to wait and see what happens. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not lazy or a slacker. I’m the type that steadily works, taking care of the day-to-day stuff; assuming that God will somehow take that and weave it together into some kind of direction or master plan.
But I’ve known people who are conquerors. They are going somewhere specific, and they have a plan to take the next piece of ground that will get them where they want to go.
This was David. In 2 Samuel chapter 8, you see a David who is focused, driven, and calculating. He works hard, makes the hard decision, and strategically advances toward his goal. And in all of this, he didn’t lose sight of the fact that it was God’s blessing (not David’s ingenuity) that made him successful.
If any of us are going to be successful, that’s the combination God’s looking for. A focused and calculated drive toward a goal, along with a grateful humility toward God for His work and blessing. Let me say that one more time…for my sake. Success comes from a focused and calculated drive toward a goal, coupled with a grateful humility toward God for His work and blessing.
I don’t know about you, but I want to be more like David.
