Marriage

The Pandemic of Pornography

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A Pandemic Problem.

We have seen a lot of loss in recent days due to a worldwide pandemic, but we have been suffering from a virus that is much more devastating than COVID-19. Since the birth of Playboy magazine in 1953 and the sexual revolution of the 1960s, the entertainment industry has constantly pushed the envelope when it comes to sex. For years, sexual content became bolder and more mainstream. Then in 1993, the World Wide Web became public. And this newfound digital access comes with a virus that has permeated our homes and churches and has put influenza to shame.

Defining the Problem.

According to the Oxford Dictionary, pornography is defined as:

“Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”

But chances are I don’t need to define it. We all know what it is and probably have all seen or watched some version of it.

  • Over 40 million Americans are regular visitors to porn sites.
  • 68% of church-going men and over 50% of pastors view porn on a regular basis.
  • And the average age a child is first exposed to porn is 11 years old.

Porn is truly a pandemic worse than COVID. It is destroying our homes and families right under our noses. Why? It kills the desire for true intimacy and leads to sexual addiction.

You may be reading this and thinking that porn is not a problem. You may believe that porn is a normal part of life and something everyone does. But the truth is that once you begin to use pornography for sexual gratification, you start training your brain to attach to the fantasy world through pornography and masturbation.

Sex addiction can cause some serious challenges in relational sex, because you have neurologically attached your brain to a fantasy image or act. So when you have sex in real life, you have to close your eyes and/or disconnect from reality. Fantasy simply becomes more enticing, because it requires no work or relational intimacy. It is a false intimacy that sinks it claws deep into you, and you cannot pull away.

Do I Have a Problem?

Now you may be asking yourself, “Do I have a pornography problem?” Or “Am I a sex addict?”

First, let’s help define what a sex addiction looks like. Sexual addiction is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates your life. It causes you to make sex a bigger priority than family, friends, and work. Everything revolves around sex, and you are willing to sacrifice what you cherish most to preserve and continue your unhealthy behavior.

There are also patterns of out-of-control sexual behavior, such as: compulsive masturbation, indulgence in pornography, chronic affairs, dangerous sexual practices, prostitution, anonymous sex, and compulsive sexual episodes.

For sex addicts, sex is the same as food or drugs in other addictions. It provides the “high” that addicts depend on for feeling normal. Temporary pleasure and unhealthy relationships become more important than forming healthy, intimate relationships. A sexual addict may begin to isolate themselves either emotionally or literally. There is a repetitive struggle to control behavior, which is followed by a deep sense of despair for continuously failing to do so. Self-esteem gradually decreases, increasing the need to escape into the addictive behavior all the more. It’s a vicious cycle.

Here are some questions to ask yourself if you are wondering whether you might be an addict:

  • Do I have secret sexual behaviors with myself, pornography or others?
  • Am I unable to be honest about my sexual behavior?
  • Have I caused pain in my relationships due to my sexual behavior?
  • Have I had consequences financially, relationally or socially due to my sexual behavior?
  • Do I continue my sexual behavior regardless of consequences or attempts to stop the behavior?
  • Do I have difficulty not lusting or objectifying people?

If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, you really need to seek help. It’s hard to admit weakness and ask for help, but it is absolutely crucial. One of the biggest lies that lust tells us is, “You can handle this by yourself.” Once you believe that, all hope of getting better is gone.

Addressing the Problem.

For the Christians reading this post, you may be telling yourself, “I will just pray harder or increase my faith.” I am here to tell you that this is not enough. I know that may sound blasphemous, but I am not the one who said that—God did. The Bible tells us in I John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This promise is absolutely true, but it only offers forgiveness. There is a vast difference between forgiveness and healing. The key to healing is not found here. It is found in James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed….”

Forgiveness is immediate and comes from God, but healing takes place over time and is gradual. Forgiveness comes when we confess our sins to God, but healing comes when we confess our sins to one another. You CANNOT heal from a sex addiction on your own or even just you and God. Others must be involved. Start by finding one person you can trust and confide in, and ask them to help you by being accountable to them.

If you find yourself bound to pornography and sex addiction, there is hope. Find someone you can be accountable to or find a recovery group that encourages behavior change. The road ahead is long and the work is hard, but the result is absolute freedom to live the addiction-free life God has called you to live.

Erik Almodovar, Pastoral Counselor.

Watching the Titanic Sink…Over and Over Again

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No matter how many times I see Jame Cameron’s movie “Titanic,” I am always uneasy each time I watch that ship slowly submerge, violently break apart, and then disappear to the dark depths. The fear, the panic, the finality…with each viewing, it’s unnerving.

Not long ago, I counseled 6 people who were either divorcing or headed towards divorce. And this was over the course of just two days! It was like watching the Titanic sink over and over again as I watched these marriages slowly submerge, violently break apart, and begin to disappear into the dark depths.

I’m not trying to be melodramatic here, but each time a marriage ends in divorce it’s a tragedy of Titanic proportion. And the similarities are unsettling.

INITIAL ARROGANCE.

The Titanic was believed to be different than any other ship because it was reported to be unsinkable.

In every premarital counseling session I’ve ever done, as well as every wedding ceremony I’ve ever officiated, the couple before me believes they are different from other couples. They are convinced in their heart of hearts that their relationship is different and impervious to sinking.

But every marriage will encounter “icebergs” that will threaten even the thickest of marital hulls. And assuming that your marriage is exempt puts you even more at risk.

NOT TAKING PROPER PRECAUTIONS.

The company that designed and owned the Titanic was so sure of its superiority that they failed to take proper precautions. For example, they cut back on the number of lifeboats needed, and when they were in dangerous waters, they were over-confident, increasing their speed and dropping their guard.

Too many married couples are too sure of themselves. They are over-confident in that they fail to bring enough people into their lives who could serve as lifeboats in times of need. And they are so busy that they fail to slow down when they’re in difficult and dangerous waters. They just assume they can power through.

A LAST MINUTE PANIC AND SCRAMBLE.

When the Titanic hit the iceberg, they were unprepared and ill-equipped. They fell into an every-man-for-himself panic. They even ignored innocent lives by not filling the lifeboats to the capacity to save as many as they could.

The icebergs that threaten a marriage are many: financial icebergs, infidelity icebergs, relational icebergs, parenting icebergs, as well as others. Too many couples are unprepared and ill-equipped for the icebergs. So when they strike one, they fall into panicking, scrambling, blaming, and an every-man/woman-for-themselves mentality.

THE RESULTS.

There are two images from Cameron’s “Titanic” that haunt me. The first is when the camera seamlessly morphs from Titanic’s polished decks gleaming in the sunlight to its ghostly, rusted wreckage strewn across the bottom of the dark ocean floor. And the second image that haunts me is the image of all the victims strewn across the surface of the Atlantic.

The results of divorce are similar. What once was a polished and shiny new marriage morphs into unsalvageable wreckage. And those who were once joyful passengers on this marriage voyage became victims of the tragedy.

Let me say this…I’m not trying to depress anyone, nor am I trying to heap guilt upon anyone who has been through a divorce. If this post has done either of those things, I sincerely apologize. Maybe it’s me processing a tough week of sinking marriages and sad wreckage.

But almost always, divorce – like the sinking of the Titanic – is a preventable tragedy. Yes, there are a percentage of marriages where abuses, abandonment, and adultery may doom a marriage to divorce…even if one spouse doesn’t want it. But those percentages are small in comparison to the overall divorce rate.

SO, WHAT CAN WE DO?

Just as shipbuilders and captains learned from the sinking of the Titanic, we need to learn from the marriages that are sinking around us.

  • Don’t be arrogant or over-confident. No matter how strongly you love one another…no matter how long you’ve been married…divorce can happen to you. There are many “icebergs” out there that can and will threaten your marriage. Assuming that your marriage will be exempt puts you even more at risk. Be in love, but be realistic.
  • Take proper precautions. When you know there are “icebergs” out there that will threaten your marriage, then take precautions ahead of time.
    • Establish regular date nights for just you and your spouse, and fiercely protect them.
    • Create a financial plan that will secure your present and your future.
    • Give as much attention to romance and sex as you do to paying bills and raising kids.
    • Fix any problems you may have in communication and conflict resolution.
    • Make sure your expectations are realistic.
  • Don’t panic and scramble. If your marriage hits an “iceberg,” don’t panic and scramble. As a couple, turn to the lifeboats that are available to you: parents, friends, counselors, pastors, your church, etc. And don’t forget the other potential casualties around you. As a couple, gather up and protect the kids, family, and friends involved and keep them as safe as possible.

TO SUM IT UP…

I don’t mean to be all gloom and doom. Nor am I trying to scare you. But I want your marriage to safely navigate the sometimes difficult waters of life so that the two of you arrive at your destination together and intact.

So let me sum things up this way: Love each other like it was your last day together, and then your days together will last.

How to Lose a Fight

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When it comes to marital fights, I know two things…

FIRST – EVERY COUPLE FIGHTS.

Some spouses fight like a hurricane, while some spouses fight like a gentle spring storm. Some are heated and loud, while others are icy and quiet. Some spouses are measured and careful with their words, while others are vicious and wounding with their words. But all couples fight.

For instance, my wife and I are not typical “fighters.” We don’t raise our voices and we don’t draw battle lines on which we’re willing to die. This doesn’t mean we don’t fight. It’s just that when things start to ramp up, she tends to withdraw and tend to be a peacemaker. We still fight, but it’s just low and muffled.

SECOND – NO SPOUSE WANTS TO LOSE.

Here’s the problem with fighting…if you’re not careful, winning the argument will become more important than the problem you’re fighting over in the first place. And a stubborn determination to win the fight sets up your spouse to be the loser. And no spouse wants to lose – even if they’re wrong.

When this happens, you may win the argument, but you will lose the fight because you’ve created a rift between the two of you that’s even harder to repair than the thing you were originally arguing about.

HOW TO LOSE A FIGHT.

A sure way to lose a fight (and the relationship) is to focus more on winning the argument than winning your spouse. Here are some ways in which you might inadvertently lose a fight…

Raising Your Voice.

When you raise your voice, you immediately raise the stakes of the argument. Raising your voice raises the tension and the hurt, making it harder for your spouse to respond favorably. Raise your voice when your cheering on your favorite team, but not when you’re fighting.

Name-Calling.

I don’t care how upset you are, there is never a good reason or excuse for you to engage in name-calling! You don’t allow your children to call other people names, and you shouldn’t do it either; especially to the one you promised to love and honor. If you’re calling your spouse names, you’ve crossed a line and you’re losing the fight…and your spouse.

Condescension.

You’re being condescending when you exhibit an attitude of superiority over your spouse. Condescension is when you infer that they just don’t know what they’re talking about and that you know better. It’s a form of pride that puts your spouse down for the sake of elevating yourself. It inflicts a wound that’s hard to heal.

Sarcasm.

Sarcasm is often passed off as humor, but usually, it’s a veil for hurt and anger. Sarcasm can be corrosive to a marriage because it’s a passive-aggressive way of showing contempt for your spouse. Dr. John Gottman, one of the country’s leading marriage experts, says that the presence of contempt in a marriage is a major sign that the marriage is in trouble. (See The Four Horsemen: Contempt.)

Backing Them in a Corner.

This happens when refuse to make room for your spouse’s ideas or opinions. When you give your spouse no other option but to agree with you or be wrong, you back them into a corner, leave them no choice but to withdraw or to come out fighting.

Stonewalling.

Stonewalling is when a spouse shuts down and refuses to address the issue. They may change the subject, clam up, or even get up and walk out. Another form of stonewalling is constantly responding to questions with “I don’t know.” Stonewalling is a form of avoidance and it leaves the other spouse frustrated and with no way to find any resolution. It leaves them with a wound they can’t heal.

Not Listening.

Not listening to your spouse communicates that they and their ideas are unimportant and not worth listening to. It’s demeaning and not a good way to win them or the argument. Think about how it feels when someone won’t listen to you. Not listening to your spouse is a blatant act of disrespect, and a sure way to lose a fight.

The reason these behaviors are defeating is that they cause your spouse to become defensive. And when your spouse gets defensive, they will engage in similar defeating behaviors. In short…everyone loses!

HOW TO WIN A FIGHT.

So, let’s look at the best way to win a fight with your spouse. As you might suspect, you win a fight with your spouse by doing the opposite of the above list. Here’s how you truly win a fight with your spouse…

  • Stay calm and keep your voice at conversational levels. (Proverbs 15:1)
  • Never call your spouse derogatory names! (Ephesians 4:29)
  • Shelve the condescension and sarcasm and show your spouse respect. (Ephesians 4:29)
  • Stay lovingly engaged rather than withdrawing or running. (3 John 1:8)
  • Listen to them more than you talk at them. (James1:19)
  • Offer solutions that make room for your spouse’s wants and needs. (Phil. 2:3-4)

FINAL THOUGHT.

So the next time you’re with your spouse and you feel a fight coming on, don’t do the things that will cause you to lose the fight, and eventually the relationship. Determine you’re going to win the fight…THE RIGHT WAY.

The Pandemic Marriage

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You may think this post on marriage in a pandemic is a little late. But, when the pandemic first broke, I like many others, expected it to be a fleeting thing. Then, when it continued to dominate life, there were so many people writing about marriage in a pandemic I didn’t see the need to add to that. But now that it is still dragging on, and some of the voices have died down, I thought I would finally contribute something.

MARRIAGE AND A PANDEMIC

I typically look at what it means to have a “normal marriage.” But these days, “normal“ has kind of gone out the window. We are all operating under a new normal.

Couples who have typically been franticly busy, running from one obligation to the next, are not going out like they used to, and some are even forced to shelter in place. A sort of forced companionship if you will.

And this forced companionship can be difficult because it can amplify irritations. We were able to avoid these irritations as long as we stayed on the go, but now there’s nowhere to go!

Here are some things that can make the pandemic marriage a challenge:

BIG DIFFERENCES.

It’s no news flash that couples are usually very different from one another. We have different personalities, different ways of working, different likes, different approaches to children, different stressors, and different triggers. Being together all day, every day gives a lot of opportunities for those differences to bump into one another. If spouses can’t allow for each other’s differences without feeling disrespected or inconvenienced, then pandemics and quarantines are going to be experiences that feel more like waterboarding than togetherness.

POOR COMMUNICATION.

Again, most couples are used to staying so busy they have an excuse for not stopping and communicating with one another. Before the pandemic, we could get by on shallow conversations about our day. But in a pandemic, we have less to talk about…because we’re either quarantined or we have our daily lives severely restricted. This forces us to talk to one another about other things, for longer periods of time. This can reveal that something we used to be phenomenal at when we were dating (talking), now needs a little work.

INCREASED ANXIETY.

This one is a given. There is much for us to worry about these days. The big worry is whether we or our loved ones will catch the virus. Another big source of anxiety is whether we will have a job and be able to pay our bills. But then, there are the smaller worries. Where before we had to worry about whether our kids were good students, now we have to worry about whether we’re good teachers. Before, we had to worry about who was going to the store to pick up supplies. Now we have to worry about whether the supplies we need will be there when we get there. These, and a host of other worries, can raise our anxiety, increase our stress, and make our marriage more difficult.

LACK OF PURPOSE.

This one is not so obvious. Before, we were able to confuse business with purpose. Before, it felt like our purpose was to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, to raise and protect our children, to build our careers, etc. But when our ability to do these things has been temporarily taken off the table, we eventually have to face the question, “Why are we married and what’s our real purpose for being married?”

A PANDEMIC AND MARRIAGE TRAINING

So a pandemic can certainly test your marriage. But you can also use it as a time to train your marriage. I want to encourage you to use this time to do the following:

  • Learn that your spouse’s differences are not about you. They’re about them. Your spouse is different from you, not because they’re trying to get your goat, but because that’s the way God made them. They are not out to get you, so stop taking their differences so personally. Begin to think of their differences more as tools that can be added to the marriage toolbox.
  • Learn how to talk again. It doesn’t have to be life-changing, gut-wrenching conversations on a Dr. Phil level. Just talk about anything and everything. You use to do this when you were dating. So if you’re having trouble with this, go back and remember those times. The more you talk about little things, the easier it will be to talk about bigger things.
  • Learn to calm your anxieties by noting them, but not living by them. Some anxiety is natural and even healthy in times like these. But if you find your anxiety is causing you more problems than solutions, you need to learn how to deal with your anxiety. I know this is hard if you’re prone to anxiety. So you may need some help. A close friend who can talk you off the roof. Scriptures can calm your heart. And if you can’t find anything to calm your anxiety, you may need to talk to your physician or a counselor. But take this time of pandemic as a time to train your anxiety.
  • Learn to live for something greater than just the immediate. Surely you got married for more than just raising kids and paying bills. What is it about your marriage that can’t be stopped by a pandemic? What is it you want to accomplish in your marriage and with your marriage? Spend some time together tossing that question around and dreaming about that.

SO…

When it comes to marriage, you can look at this time of pandemic as a time of testing or a time of training. What will you choose?

Minding the Gaps:Dealing with the Differences Between Spouses

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Dealing with the differences between you and your spouse is one of the most common frustrations in marriage. It’s funny how the differences we found so attractive when we were dating can become so irritating later.

In this week’s Normal Marriage post, I’m going to point you to one of my Quick Counsel podcast episodes that deal with the differences between spouses. You can click here to get the podcast. It’s only 7 minutes long, so check it out and learn about navigating the differences between you and your spouse.

I hope you’ll listen to some of the other Quick Counsel episodes and subscribe to get future episodes. You can find it wherever you get your podcasts.

Here’s to minding the gaps in your marriage.

Are You A Good Kisser?

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Are you a good kisser? Probably not a question you’re asked a lot – if at all! And how do you answer such a question? If you answer “no,” you sound incompetent and inept. And if you answer “yes,” you sound arrogant and narcissistic. Besides, how do you judge a kiss? Is there a preferred method? An optimal technique?

Kissing is an individual and subjective art form. Everyone has different tastes. (See what I did there?)

A GOOD KISS

But there is a KISS that you can master that will get you high marks every time. Its technique can be measured and improved, and it’s a KISS that will leave your spouse wanting more.

You’ve probably already skimmed ahead enough to know that I’m not talking about a literal kiss. (I’m not about to stick my neck in that noose.) Instead, I’m talking about an acronym to help you remember how to “kiss” your spouse every day. It goes like this…

K – KEEP YOUR WORD.

We underestimate the importance of keeping our word. We say we’re going to do something, and then we don’t get around to it. We say we’re coming right home, but then we get sidetrack. Or we tell our spouse we’ll call when we’re leaving, but we forget.

Here’s another one you might be familiar with. Your spouse asks you, “Where do you want to eat?” You tell them, “Anywhere is fine.” But then you complain when they pick somewhere you don’t like. When you do that, you’re not keeping your word.

Yes, these are small things, but the more you fail to keep your word in the small things, the less your spouse can trust you in the big things.

Consistently keeping your word, even in the small things, builds trust. And when your spouse can trust you, that builds security for them. Trust and security are the bedrock of a kissable marriage.

I – INVEST IN THEIR HAPPINESS.

Look for ways to make your spouse happy. And one way to do that is to learn how to speak their love language.

If you’re not familiar with this, Gary Chapman wrote a book called The Five Love Languages. In this book, he says that everyone wants to feel loved in some primary way. For some, they really feel loved when they’re given words of affirmation. For others, what makes them feel loved is when you spend quality time with them. Then there are those who feel loved when you give them gifts. Others feel loved when you perform acts of service for them. And finally, there are those who feel love through physical touch.

If you want to invest in your spouse’s happiness, learn their primary love language and “speak” that language frequently!

S – SPEAK THE TRUTH IN LOVE.

You may be thinking, “Whoa…wait a minute. When I speak the truth, I usually get in trouble!” Granted, having truthful conversations can be difficult at times. But if speaking the truth gets you in trouble, it’s usually because of one of three things:

  • You’re speaking the truth bluntly, harshly, or angrily…rather than speaking the truth lovingly.
  • You haven’t practiced lovingly speaking the truth long enough for it to feel normal.
  • You’ve not been doing the other KISS items so that your spouse can know you truly love them, despite how the truth might sound to them.

It’s important that you not only speak the truth but that you do it as lovingly as you can. One without the other can be harmful. Speaking the truth without love can be brutal. And speaking lovingly, without being truthful, can be deceptive.

As I said, speaking the truth is not always easy, but the more you learn to speak the truth lovingly the stronger your marriage will be, and the more kissable you’ll be…even in the face of difficult truth. (Ok…that kissable part may not immediately follow the truth, but eventually, it will.)

S – SERVE YOUR SPOUSE.

We live in a world where the idea of serving your spouse is often confused with servitude. The thought of serving your spouse can be interpreted as demeaning or demoting.

But when you love someone, you serve them. You serve your children every day, yet that doesn’t feel demeaning. (Ok…maybe sometimes.) But you serve them because you love them.

Anyone can say, “I love you” to their spouse, but when you serve your spouse, you’re backing up your words with action. You’re adding tangible weight to your “I love you.” And when you demonstrate your love for your spouse by serving them, that makes you very kissable!

A FINAL THOUGHT

These four things might not sound as romantic or as passionate as actually kissing your spouse on the lips. But consistently doing these things will make you more “kiss-able” to your spouse, by making your spouse feel more important, more secure, and more loved.  And this will make them want to kiss you more. (And I’m not talking about one of those peck-on-the-cheek kisses.)

When you KISS your spouse in these ways, it will make them want to KISS you back. And who doesn’t want that!

So KISS your spouse every day. Who knows where it might lead?

Are You a Doer or a Waiter?

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When your car needs serviced, do you take initiative to get it serviced, or do you wait, hoping your spouse will do it? Or, when there are dirty dishes in the sink, do you take initiative to put them in the dishwasher, or do you wait to see if your spouse will do it? If you and your spouse haven’t had sex in a while, do you take the initiative to make something happen, or do you wait for your spouse to initiate?

DOERS AND WAITERS

There are typically two types of people in marriage: doers and waiters.

Doers.

Doers take initiative to get things moving and to make things better. Sometimes their intentions are good. They want to be helpful, they want to serve their spouse, or they simply want to make things better.

But sometimes a doer’s intentions are not good. They want to control the situation or make sure things are the way they want them, or they just don’t trust the other person to take care of something.

Waiters.

Waiters do exactly that…they wait for things to move and become better. Sometimes their intentions are good. They don’t want to overstep their bounds, they don’t want to leave someone out of a decision, or they don’t want to come across as controlling.

But sometimes a waiter’s intentions are not good. They wait because they are afraid of making a mistake, or they’re avoiding taking responsibility, or they don’t want to humble themselves to be the first one to move.

THE COMBINATIONS

Every marriage has some combination of doers and waiters:

Combination #1 – Both are waiters.

There are some situations when it’s good for both spouses to be waiters. For example…

  • When money is tight, it’s good for both of you to be waiters when it comes to expensive purchases.
  • When you both have reservations about a major decision, it can be good for both of you to be waiters.
  • When life is trying to teach one of your kids a major lesson, it can be good for the two of you to be waiters and not rush in to bail them out.

But usually, having two waiters in a marriage can be a problem, because nothing gets done and each spouse blames the other for not acting.

Combination #2 – There’s one doer and one waiter.

This is the typical situation. And it’s not all bad.

Doing can be good when the doer has strengths in an area the other doesn’t. Or when the doer steps in to give the other a break. And waiting can be good when the waiter holds back out of honor and respect for the other. Or when the waiter pulls back so as to not enable the other’s lethargy.

The problem comes when one spouse does most of the doing and the other does most of the waiting. When this happens, the doer can either become controlling, or they can become resentful that they have to always take the initiative. And the waiter can become resentful because they feel controlled, or they learn not to take initiative and responsibility.

Combination #3 – Both are doers.

This final combination can be great if both spouses are looking out for the needs and the interests of the other. This can provide for a caring, well-kept relationship.

But when both spouses are doers because they like things their way, or they don’t trust the other, then the marriage turns into a competition and a battle for control.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

No matter whether you’re a doer or a waiter, learn to stretch yourself and grow in your marriage.

If you’re predominantly a doer, then teach yourself to wait more, allowing your spouse more involvement and collaboration. You’ll probably need to wait longer than feels comfortable, and you’ll need to invite your spouse into the process. But don’t fall for the old “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done” routine. Not everything hinges on you.

And if you’re predominantly a waiter, force yourself to take more initiative. Don’t take a lot of time to think about it. Move more quickly than you usually do. Your spouse may not be used to you taking the initiative. It may even feel like an imposition to them at times. But they will get used to sharing the initiative.

A good marriage requires spouses to smoothly shift back and forth from doing and waiting. But, whether you’re a doer or a waiter, both of you should strive to be a doer for the other. Marriage is at its best when both spouses are trying to out serve the other.

So, doers and waiters…unite!

Firing Up Your Marriage the Right Kindling

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Sometimes, my wife and I will meet our kids and grandkids out on a wooded piece of property they own. There, the kids fish in the pond and play in the woods, while the adults take it easy and visit.

As evening falls, the task turns to building a fire, and the kids are sent out to gather kindling. They come back with armloads of twigs and sticks, proudly presenting them to the adults for approval. Then, the adults help them arrange the kindling in the best way to start the fire. The kids learn it takes small kindling to start big fires.

This is not true only for campfires but it’s also true for marriage.

MARRIAGE KINDLING

So often, spouses look for that one big thing that will turn things around in their marriage and reignite the fire of their relationship. But just like it takes small kindling to get a campfire going, it takes small things to get a marriage fire going.

What kind of kindling can you use to build the fire of your marriage? Here are a few kindling starters:

Smile.

You would be surprised how a simple smile can warm up your spouse and your marriage. When I come home from work, my wife can change my whole outlook and attitude in a second when she greets me with a smile. It’s a small thing, but just smiling more will spark good things in your marriage.

Help without being asked.

Now if you don’t typically do this, don’t be surprised if your spouse questions your motives at first. But just keep doing it, because it shows your spouse that you see what they’re going through and that you care enough to want to help them. It’s a great way to build a marriage fire.

Love your children well.

This is especially something husbands need to do. Guys, the quickest way to your wife’s heart is through the children. When they see you spending time, listening, playing, and loving on the kids, it will fire up their heart towards you.

Compliment.

People thrive on honest compliments, and compliments are some of the simplest kindling you can use to get a marriage fire going. But, the longer we’re married, the less we tend to compliment one another. It’s been said that the best thing a parent can do is to catch their kids doing something right/good and compliment them on it. But it’s also one of the best things spouses can do for each other. Compliment something they’ve done, the way they look, or a character trait they have. Just compliment them.

Run errands together.

This may seem mundane, but it shows your spouse you want to hang out with them…even if it’s just doing something as commonplace as running errands. It gives you a simple way to spend time together, to talk, or just listen to the radio together. You don’t have to run every errand together, but doing it more often than not will add warmth to the relationship.

Do something they want to do.

When you were dating, you were interested in the things that interested them. That’s part of kindling that helped them fell in love with you. So why would you stop now? Doing things your spouse wants to do is a clear “I love you” to them. Especially if you’re doing something they know you don’t like to do. (It’s extra points!)

Leave a note.

It’s simple, cheap, and easy to leave a note for your spouse. Yet few things make as much impact on a spouse as leaving them a note. Yes, you can send them a text, but it’s not as good as taking out a pen and leaving a sticky note for them to find. It can be a loving thought, a sentimental memory, or something hot and steamy. Leaving notes for them to find will help to build a fire in your marriage. (Just don’t make it a reminder of something they need to do. That will rain on the fire.)

Flirt.

Playful flirting can spark a fire in your relationship. And it’s something you can do despite the age and stage of your marriage. You don’t have to be young and look like models to playfully flirt with one another. But a word to husbands…If the only time you flirt with your spouse is when you want sex, your flirting will backfire on you and have the opposite effect. So learn to flirt for the sake of flirting…and not always for a desired outcome.

Take initiative.

Whether it be something they want or someplace they want to go, if there’s something important to them, take initiative on it. Don’t wait for them to repeat it over and over, and don’t wait for them to ask you to. Taking the initiative, without having to be told, will spark something in your spouse and your relationship.

These are just some of the small kindling you can use to start a fire between you and your spouse. And you will be surprised at how such small things can build such a big love between the two of you. You can probably think of other kindling ideas, and I would love for you to leave those in the comments. We could all use the help.

A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION

As you apply this kindling to your marriage, do it without expectation of anything in return. Make sure it’s the kindling of appreciation and not manipulation.

Here’s to building some fire in your marriage.

What are the Glory Days of Your Marriage?

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Glory days. If you’re a Bruce Springsteen fan, those words will automatically bring a great song to mind. But the concept of glory days has been around much longer than Springsteen.

GLORY DAYS.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines glory days as a period of time when someone was very successful. You might hear someone talk about their glory days on the high school football team. And a business might refer to their glory days as a time when sales and profits were very high. In other words, glory days refers to a time when things were very good.

But how does the concept of glory days apply to marriage?

THE GLORY DAYS OF MARRIAGE.

For some spouses, if you mention their glory days, they would immediately think of their honeymoon years and the fun and the adventure they had when it was just the two of them.

For others, mention glory days and they think of their current situation. The good jobs that they have. Their nice house. Their wonderful kids. Their community involvement. For some couples, these are the glory days.

Other spouses feel like their glory days are ahead of them. They look to the days when they are empty-nesters, when their kids are happily married, when they can enjoy their grandchildren, or when they finally are able to retire and travel.

But here’s the problem. For the first group, their glory days are already behind them. So they have nothing to look forward to. For the second group, they may be experiencing their glory days, but they can’t hang onto them, so those glory days won’t last. And for the third group, their glory days are beyond their reach…and may not even come. And all of these takes on glory days are dependent on the circumstances being good.

Consequently, these three views make the glory days temporary at best and unattainable at worst.

Maybe we need a better way to achieve our glory days in marriage.

A NEW APPROACH TO GLORY DAYS.

Before my children were born I made a commitment to myself to make the most of every age and stage they went through. I wanted to drink in everything at every age and stage, so I didn’t look back and think I missed something. And for the most part, I was able to do just that. (Although, I will admit, this was slightly harder to do during their teen years. But only a little.)

That was a good strategy for parenting. But now, at 60+ years of age and 40+ years of marriage, I’m beginning to think that drinking in and making the most of every age and stage is not only a good strategy for parenting. It’s also a good strategy for marriage.

What if our strategy for marriage was to make the most of every age and stage of marriage – whether easy or hard – so that we didn’t have to look back and say we missed something? What if we learned to drink in every stage of our marriage…whether as young couples romping in our honeymoon bed, or senior adults holding hands over the rail of the hospital bed?

If we took this approach to marriage, it would probably change our view on glory days. Glory days would be…

  • Less about circumstances and more about commitment.
  • Less about how good things are for us and more about how good we are for each other.
  • Less about having what we want and more about having who we want.
  • Less about the road we travel and more about our traveling companion.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

Intentionally drinking in and making the most of every age and stage of marriage could lead you to turn your current moments into glory days. (Wouldn’t that be something?!)

So stop wistfully looking to the glory days of the past. Stop grieving the glory days you can’t hold on to. And stop longing for the glory days that may or may not come. Take each moment you have with your spouse…whether easy or difficult…and make the most of it. Drink it in and see how many glory days you can actually make!

Don’t Feel Attracted to Your Spouse? Try These 4 Principles.

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It seems like attraction should be a key ingredient in marriage. After all, we all want to be attracted to our spouse, and we want our spouse to be attracted to us.

But what if that attraction isn’t there? What then?

ATTRACTION.

Attraction can fluctuate throughout the course of a marriage. It’s strong in the early days of marriage, when you’re both young, pretty, and getting to know one another. Then attraction gets tenuous a few years in, when your habits and personality traits start to wear on one another. In the middle years of marriage, attraction can easily get lost amidst the demands of building careers, raising kids, and paying bills. Attraction can surge some in the early empty-nester years, when kids leave and finances stabilize. And attraction gets redefined in your latter years, as age and physical health introduces complications and restrictions on life.

Attraction can be hard to define, but one thing’s for certain…we know when it’s not there! And if it’s not there, we often feel like all we can do is helplessly wait and hope it will eventually return.

PRINCIPLES OF ATTRACTION.

If you’re not feeling attracted to your spouse, don’t panic. Psychological studies have uncovered many principles of attraction that you can take advantage of. Here are just four of those principles and how you can apply them to your marriage. (Note: these were prompted by an article entitled, “These are the 4 Elements of Attraction, According to Psychology.” by Brooklyn Reece.)

Proximity.

This refers to the fact that you’re more likely to feel attracted to someone with whom you are in close, consistent physical proximity. It may not seem like it if you’ve been in quarantine with your spouse, but it’s easier to build attraction between people who spend a lot of time together, than between people who spend a lot of time apart. That’s why romantic relationships often occur between people who spend a lot of time working together, playing on the same team, serving in the same organizations, etc.

Yet, it’s so easy for spouses to drift apart physically. We have our own cars, our own activities, our own hobbies, and our own devices. On top of that, if you have kids who are involved in a lot of activities, you can easily find yourselves running in separate directions.

If you want to build attraction, be intentional about spending time together. Even simple things like going to the store together, sitting on the couch together, or sharing a cup of coffee together can help to gradually foster attraction.

Similarity.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the old saying, “Opposites attract.” While that may be partially true when you’re dating, the reality is that marital attraction is fueled more by your similarities than your differences. If you love the outdoors, you’re more attracted to those who love the outdoors. If you love to dance, you’re more attracted to someone who loves to dance. Introverts are more attracted to introverts and educated people are more attracted to other educated people.

If you’re thinking, “Great! We’re so different we don’t stand a chance!” you’re not alone. No couple is completely similar. Most every married couple has some glaring differences between them.

The problem is, we get used to focusing on our differences. But you and your spouse are more similar than you may think. Remember, it wasn’t just your differences that attracted you to one another. It was also your similarities.

So if similarity fosters attraction, then spend more time focusing on your similarities. It will gradually help to foster attraction in your marriage.

Physical Attractiveness.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Though everyone has their own likes and ideas when it comes to what they find physically attractive, finding someone physically attractive tends to increase your attraction to them.

Now, before you look in the mirror and get discouraged, remember this…

Physical attraction is often the front door into relational attraction, but it is not the glue that maintains attraction over the long haul. Age and gravity will eventually overcome our attempts to hold onto physical attractiveness. But hopefully, a couple will build a relational and emotion attractiveness that will take over as physical attractiveness fades.

This does not mean you should let yourself go, or ignore your appearance, or quit trying to be physically attractive to your spouse. But you should also be working on the inner beauty that will continue to attract your spouse…long after the outer beauty fades.

Reciprocity.

Reciprocity refers to the fact that we tend to be attracted to people who are attracted to us. To put it simply…we tend to like people who like us. Not surprising, right?

If you’re thinking, “Oh no! We’re in trouble, because neither of us really likes the other right now,” don’t let that spook you. It actually means you have the ability to change things! Let me explain.

The principle of reciprocity infers that if you begin liking your spouse, it’s more probable that they will begin liking you…and visa versa. So, start liking your spouse and it will help them to start liking you.

I know…easier said than done, right?

Well, start with this… stop focusing on all the things you don’t like about your spouse and start focusing on all the things you do like about your spouse. This will make a big difference in your attitude. And, as you practice the other three principles we’ve listed, you will find this fourth principle starting to kick in.

THE BOTTOM LINE.

It’s easy to think that attraction to your spouse is something you have little control over. It’s easy to view attraction as some involuntary response that you either have or you don’t.

But if you believe that, you will be at the mercy of something that we’ve already seen can ebb and flow in a marriage.

Attraction is actually something that can be fostered and fanned into flame in a marriage, through the right actions and attitudes. So don’t wait for attraction to come to you. Go make it happen!