sexual abuse

An Easy Walk…For a Short While

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Dorothy leaves Munchkin Land with the encouragement of Glenda and the Munchkins ringing in her ears. With Toto in hand and her destination in mind, Dorothy steps quickly and confidently toward her desired destination.

Then the movie cuts to the next scene. Dorothy is still walking, and so far the trip has been uneventful. She’s still moving at a good pace, and perhaps she’s thinking, “This trip is not going to be that bad.”

Then she comes to a crossroad, and for the first time since starting the journey, she isn’t sure what to do next. Glenda doesn’t show up to give her directions, and though the road is still peaceful, you can see her uncertainty starting to build.

After you reveal your abuse and make the commitment to take the road of recovery, the first steps don’t seem that bad. Initially, you’re carried along by the momentum of your new-found courage and the encouragement of others. You also take comfort in the fact you can still turn to old perceptions and tactics if things get too hard. You hold on to these familiar comforts as if they were your Toto.

So the beginning of your journey is relatively smooth and encouraging. You’re not digging into deep stuff. Your counselor is starting you off at a slow pace, and you find yourself thinking, “This isn’t that bad. I can do this.”

Some victims want to get things over with as quickly as possible, so they start down the road of recovery sprinting. But that’s not the way you need to approach recovery. You need a little time to adjust and build some confidence in your counselor and yourself.

Enjoy the easy pace in the beginning, but know crossroads of uncertainty lie ahead.

Now What?

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Dorothy has been threatened by Elmira Gultch, ignored by friends and family, caught up in a cyclone, and dropped in a strange place with strange people. She has unwittingly defeated the Wicked Witch of the East, and also kindled the anger of the Wicked Witch of the West.

She finds herself standing in Munchkin Land wondering, “Now what?”

Munchkin Land is pleasant and welcoming, but she knows she can’t stay there. She wishes she could return to Kansas and the way things were. At least she knew what to expect there. But returning to the way things used to be isn’t an option any longer.

Glenda the Good Witch tells Dorothy she needs to make a journey to the Emerald City. Then she shows Dorothy the yellow brick road. It’s the road to the Emerald City. It’s the road out of Oz.

Dorothy is uncertain at first. She’s wonders of how long the road will be or what she might encounter along the road. But seeing no other options, she takes a step. Then another. And then another. And before she knows it…she’s moving forward.

The journey has begun.

Like Dorothy, you too have experienced mounting difficulty that has picked you up, spun you around, and dropped you in a different place with different people. Your arrival has killed the witch of secrecy and denial, but has awaken a witch of fear and uncertainty.

You find yourself wondering, “Now what?”

Part of you wishes you hadn’t opened this “can of worms.” You wish you could just go back to the way things used to be. At least there you knew what to expect and had some control. But you can’t go back…at least not the way you came.

Then you wonder if you could just stay where you are. After all, you’ve been honest about what happened to you. What else is there to do? Still, something tells you that staying where you are will not be enough.

So, you gradually accept the only viable option…moving forward.

Counselors, pastors, and other survivors say you need to take a journey and follow a road leading to a place of help and hope. You eye the road and consider the journey. You wonder how long the road will be and what you will encounter on the journey. You even wonder if the journey will be worth it.

Finally, with everyone’s urging, you decide to take a step on the road. Then another. And then another. You find yourself moving forward toward a new place and a new life.

Your journey has begun.

One Witch Down and Another To Go.

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After arriving in Oz, Dorothy discovers that she has unknowingly ended the tyranny of a witch. The cyclone that brought her to Oz, also dropped her house on the Wicked Witch of the East. In effect, she defeated a witch just by showing up! Glenda and the Munchkins make a big deal of this and see her as courageous and powerful…though she doesn’t really feel that way.

But just as she’s adjusting to the idea of defeating the Wicked Witch of the East, another witch arrives in a sulfurous cloud of smoke. It’s the Wicked Witch of the West. The witch immediately tries to rob Dorothy of her ruby slippers. When that fails, the witch leaves in another bilious cloud of smoke leaving the words “I’ll get you my pretty!” ringing in Dorothy’s ears.

When you take your first steps in recovering from sexual abuse, you defeat one “witch”…the witch of denial and avoidance. Your arrival at this place has killed her.

Just like Glenda and the Munchkins, the people who are close to you will celebrate the death of this first witch. You may still be unsure about this so-called victory, but you do feel you have initiated some sort of new era.

Then another fearful and dreadful witch comes on the scene, and this witch is different. At least, with the first witch, you didn’t know she was there, so it didn’t seem as scary. But this new witch is different. This witch is in your face. She cannot take from you the slippers of your courageous initiative, but she will try to intimidate you at every turn.  She will make you feel small, like you are a little girl again. She will fill the skies of your mind with a multitude of dark flying monkey memories.

Though it will be frightening and overwhelming at times, there will be friends to help you along the way. There will be victories. You will progress and grow. Eventually you will conquer this fearful, dreadful witch, and in doing so you will reclaim your life.

Copyright © 2016 Bret Legg

These People are Different!

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After the cyclone, Dorothy steps out of her dropped and dilapidated house to encounter the Munchkins, slowly coming out of hiding.

They are not like the people she’s use to. Small in stature, they are warm and winsome. But Dorothy soon discovers the Munchkins are far from naive. They have know their own desperate times, and it is this knowledge, coupled with their warmth, that makes them strangely inviting to Dorothy.

As Dorothy is getting use to the Munchkins, another major character comes on the scene. Glenda, the Good Witch of the South. Glenda may seem a little too good to be true, but she does have a calming effect on Dorothy. She helps Dorothy make sense of what has happened. She also tells Dorothy that to find what she wants, she will need to make a difficult journey. Glenda cannot make the journey for Dorothy, but she can monitor Dorothy’s progress and offer help and guidance along the way.

Admitting that sexual abuse is part of your history can feel like stepping into another world. You begin to encounter people (either randomly or in support groups) who have painful stories like yours. It’s as if they begin to come out of hiding. They understand your fear, your lack of trust, your need for control, and your defensiveness. They are kindred spirits who warmly open up to you…to the point that they can be a little unnerving. They are different.

They’re also different in that they are learning to look at what happened to them without being devastated. They’re learning to master their negativity and experience hope. They are also learning to balance caring for others with caring for themselves. As I said…they are different.

If you’re seriously committed to taking the road out of Oz, you will need another different person in your life. Not a good witch, but a counselor. The idea of seeing a counselor may be scary, or make you feel like you’re more messed up than you want to be. But you will need a counselor to help you make sense of things and guide you through the experience. Your counselor can also be there when you need a little extra help on the journey.

On the road out of Oz, you need these different people. You need people who have been where you’ve been, learned things you haven’t learned, and can support you on your journey out of Oz. You also need a counselor who can help you understand what has happened and help you stay on the road out of Oz.

Not in Kansas Anymore

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When the cyclone finishes with Dorothy, it leaves her disheveled and disoriented. Covered with the dust of the old house, Dorothy makes her way to the front door. She grabs the door knob and wonders what she will find on the other side. Will her family be alright? Will there be anything left of the homestead? What about the farmhands?

She slowly opens the door to discover she’s not in Kansas anymore. The cyclone has moved her from the brown, dusty sepia tones of Kansas to the strange and confusing colors of an unfamiliar place. Dorothy stands there on the threshold between two worlds; the world behind her and the world ahead of her.

Verbalizing your past sexual abuse can feel like getting caught up in a cyclone. It’s a dizzying and disorienting experience that can leave you feeling off balance and nauseous.

After you shake off the dust and regain your balance, you wonder if anything will be the same. You realize you have opened the door to to something. You now stand at the threshold between two worlds; one that is dilapidated but familiar, and one that is promising but uncomfortable.

You feel you need to choose between staying in the old run-down house or venturing out into a strange new world, but you really don’t have a choice. The genie’s out of the bottle. The story’s been told and you can’t un-tell it. You know you can’t go back to the way things were. You’ve already crossed a threshold. Now your only viable option is to move forward.

The journey is about to begin.

The Big One Hits

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Life on the farm gets progressively harder for Dorothy, as she feels Elmia Gulch breathing down her neck. She starts to run away, only to be reminded by Mr. Marvel that there are some things you just can’t run away from.

Just when she decides to give it another try, she sees it. A twister, dark and ominous on the horizon. She knows there is no way to stop it. All she can do is look for shelter and brace herself.

The twister shakes her, spins her, and  disorients her. She begins to see things that start off benign, but suddenly turn dark and frightening.

As her terror reaches a fevered pitch, suddenly there’s a thud followed by a blanketing silence. Dorothy has survived the twister, but something tells her there’s more uncertainty to come.

As a survivor of sexual abuse, you know internally that something’s not right. Maybe you’ve known that sense of disorder and confusion that mounts and makes you want to run away. Perhaps you’ve tried to run away through work, caring for kids, shopping, religious activity, sex, and many other types of distracting activities.

When running away doesn’t work, you decide to buckle down and make things work. You go back and focus your efforts and energies on behavioral problems and surface level issues. But all you’re doing is learning to walk with a limp, rather than deal with the rock in your shoe. The root cause still remains.

Yet, no matter what you do, the cyclone of your abuse keeps coming. You can feel it growing larger on the horizon, and you know it’s unstoppable.

Then it happens. The story comes out. The feelings rush to the front. Confusion and fear begin to spin you and create images that are familiar and frightening.

But just when it seems unbearable, it stops. Like un-kinking a garden hose, the pressure has been released and there’s a relief you hope will last.

You even tell yourself, “There! I’ve done it! I’ve survived letting the story out. Now, on to better things.” But inside, you know there’s more. You know the journey’s not complete. It’s just begun.