Month: October 2020

Priming the Pump

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THE FEELING

Do you feel like you’re starving in your marriage? Maybe you’ve not admitted it to anyone. Perhaps you’ve tried to downplay it, rationalize it, or ignore it. But you feel it. Inside, you’re starving for:

  • Attention.
  • Affection.
  • Time.
  • Support.
  • Appreciation.
  • Acceptance.
  • Encouragement.
  • Etc.

Whatever it may be, if you feel like you’re starving for something in marriage, there’s an allegorical story about Heaven and Hell that has a direct application for you…

THE STORY

There was a man who took a tour of Hell. There, he found the inhabitants of Hell sitting at banquet tables loaded with the richest, most desired food they could ever imagine. Each person had eating utensils in their hands, but their arms were fixed to planks of wood which prevented them from bending their arms to feed themselves. Consequently, everyone sat in the presence of all the food they wanted…yet they were starving.

Then, the man took a tour of Heaven. He was surprised to find that the situation was the same in heaven. The inhabitants of Heaven sat at banquet tables full of the most sumptuous food they could desire, but they too were unable to bend their arms to feed themselves.

Yet the inhabitants of Heaven were well fed and satisfied, while the inhabitants of Hell sat starving. Why? Because the inhabitants of Heaven focused on feeding each other rather than feeding themselves!

THE LESSON

A marriage where spouses are only focused on getting their own needs met can feel a little like Hell, while a marriage where spouses are focused on meeting each other’s needs can feel a lot like Heaven.

If you feel like you’re starving in your marriage, perhaps it’s because you’re more focused on getting your needs met than meeting your spouse’s needs.

Now I can hear some thinking, “What about my spouse? Aren’t they supposed to meet my needs? It would be a lot easier to tend to their needs if they were meeting mine!”

I know. I know. I’ve felt the same thing at times. But that line of thinking only gets you more frustrated and entrenched in your ways…which, by the way, doesn’t work! You don’t change your marriage by changing your spouse. You change your marriage by changing you!

THE HOMEWORK

To paraphrase from the ancient words of the New Testament, a person reaps what they sow. (Gal. 6:7 NIV)

Rather than complaining about what you’re not getting in your marriage, start by giving your spouse the very thing you want.

  • If you’re starving for attention, try giving attention to your spouse.
  • If you’re starving for affection, try giving your spouse affection.
  • If you’re starving for time with your spouse, try giving your spouse more time.
  • (You get the idea.)

A FINAL STORY

I grew up in the country, and in our front yard, we had an old long-handled pump. If you wanted to get water, you would pump and pump that handle, and eventually, water would come out. (And yes, I know this makes me sound ancient.)

But sometimes, you would pump and pump, and no water would come out. When this happened, you would have to prime the pump. To do this, you would have to dip some water from a nearby bucket and pour the water into the top of the pump, while you continued to pump the handle. When you did this, the pump would eventually start to give out water.

In other words, when the pump seemed to stop working, you had to put water in to get water out.

This is what you need to do in marriage when you feel like you’re starving for something. Whatever it is you desire from your spouse, you need to start pouring into your spouse. It may sound counter-intuitive, but what have you got to lose?

2 Samuel 8 – How to Succeed

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I’m one of those people who tends to wait and see what happens. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not lazy or a slacker. I’m the type that steadily works, taking care of the day-to-day stuff; assuming that God will somehow take that and weave it together into some kind of direction or master plan.

But I’ve known people who are conquerors. They are going somewhere specific, and they have a plan to take the next piece of ground that will get them where they want to go.

This was David. In 2 Samuel chapter 8, you see a David who is focused, driven, and calculating. He works hard, makes the hard decision, and strategically advances toward his goal. And in all of this, he didn’t lose sight of the fact that it was God’s blessing (not David’s ingenuity) that made him successful.

If any of us are going to be successful, that’s the combination God’s looking for. A focused and calculated drive toward a goal, along with a grateful humility toward God for His work and blessing. Let me say that one more time…for my sake. Success comes from a focused and calculated drive toward a goal, coupled with a grateful humility toward God for His work and blessing.

I don’t know about you, but I want to be more like David.

#6 Are Self-Esteem and Self-Worth the Same?

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A lot of people use the terms self-esteem and self-worth interchangeably. But are they the same thing? And why does it matter? 

We’ll be looking at this today on Quick Counsel.

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How to Prioritize Partnering Over Parenting

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In the last post, we talked about how parenting can take its toll on partnering. If you haven’t read that post, I encourage you to check it out.

To quickly summarize…without proper care and attention, children can turn you from playmates to roommates. You can wind up focusing so much on being good parents you forget how to be good partners. This is how marital drift often starts.

But the good news is you can turn this around. Although the sooner the better, it’s never too late to prioritize your partnering over your parenting.

PRIORITIZING YOUR PARTNERING OVER YOUR PARENTING

There are many ways you can start to reclaim your partnering. Here are just a few:

Maintain a Regular Date Night.

I’m talking about a planned, scheduled, just-the-two-of-you date night. If you have to stop and think about when you last did that…it’s been too long! Budget for, and reserve, a regular sitter…even if you have to cut back somewhere financially to make this happen. It’s that important.

Carve Out Time to Be Together Each Day.

I know this is hard, but be creative. You may need to put the kids to bed a little earlier. I’m surprised by how many parents sacrifice time together just because they don’t want to go through the hassle of putting their kids to bed a little earlier.

There are other things you can do. Maybe you need to withhold the kid’s favorite videos so you can use them for those times when you want to spend some time together. My wife and I would take our kids to the park or the indoor playground at McDonald’s where they could play while we sat and talked. (Bring a friend for them to play with.)

Use your imagination, but do whatever you have to to get some daily time together.

Repeatedly Show Your Kids That Your Spouse Comes First.

When my kids were little and I would come home from work, the first thing I would do when I came through the door was to pull my wife close, give her a kiss, and hold her while we spent a few moments talking. When this happened, my children would try to worm their way between us, vying for our attention. But, like a mean father, I would make them wait their turn. (They hated it.)

This didn’t change when they were teens. They just changed their tactics. They didn’t try to worm their way between us anymore. Instead, it was, “Dad, can I have $20? Mom, would you drive me to my friend’s house? Dad, can I have the keys to the car?“ Again, I would make them wait their turn. This finally aggravated them so much they blurted out, “Why do you do this to us?!”  I told them, “Your mom was here before you were here, and she will be here long after you’re gone. You’re short-timers here and you’re not even paying rent! So you can wait your turn.” (Needless to say, this didn’t go over very well.)

There are other ways you can impress upon your children (and your spouse) that your spouse comes first. Opening the door for your wife. Giving your spouse first choice. Sitting close together and occasionally making the kids find somewhere else to sit. Always defending your spouse in front of the kids. Again, be creative, but show your kids that your spouse comes first.

Lock Your Bedroom Door.

You cannot say you’re prioritizing your partnering if you’re not prioritizing your sex life.  And one of the ways you do that is by locking your bedroom door. If you’re one of those people who feel it’s cruel to lock your children out of your bedroom, think about this…

I read a story about some parents who, after checking to ensure their child was asleep, decided it was safe to have sex. But just when things were at a climax (pun intended) they looked over to the side of the bed to find their child jumping up and down saying, “Can I ride too?!” The story ends with this couple promptly installing locks on their bedroom door.

Locks are necessary when you have small children who forget and who occasionally get scared at night. If you’re afraid they might get sick and you won’t hear them, then install a monitor. Just make sure it only works one way!

If your children are teens, locks are still a good idea. But the biggest deterrent is to tell them, “If our door is closed, you don’t want to go in there, because you might see something you can’t unsee.” (Wink, wink.) That will scare them off!

These are just a few of the ways to get your partnering back in front of your parenting. I’m sure you have others, and I would love it if you would leave comments and suggestions to help the rest of us out!

The Bottom Line

The bottom line is…yes, you should love your children and yes, you should sacrifice for your children. But you shouldn’t allow your parenting to take priority over your partnering.

And the biggest reason why is that one day, your children will consciously or unconsciously pattern their marriage after yours. So set a good example of putting partnering ahead of parenting.

2 Samuel 7 – Melting the Father’s Heart

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Picture this…

One day, a father gives his boy a shiny new bike. While riding the new bike, the boy realizes his father doesn’t have a bike of his own. The boy doesn’t take into account that his father has a car and all the possessions he desires. He just knows that his father was so good to him to give him his new bike, and he wants his father to have one.

So the boy tells his father he’s going to get him a new bike and begins to save his money for one. This melts the father’s heart. So the next day, the father brings home an even bigger present for his son. Overwhelmed all the more by his father’s generosity, the boy climbs into his father’s lap and tells him he’s the greater dad in the whole world!

This is a picture of what’s happening in 2 Samuel chapter 7. David is grateful for what God has done for him and wants to give back to God. This attitude of gratitude melts God’s heart, causing Him to bless David all the more. Realizing he can’t out-bless God, David sits before God and acknowledges God’s greatness.

This chapter, like the story of the boy with the bike, reveals a tender interaction between a father and His child. In both stories, the father’s heart is melted by the child’s attitude of gratitude.

Gratitude leads us to want to give, which leads us to become more like our Heavenly Father. This melts the heart of God because what parent doesn’t melt when they see their children trying to imitate them?

Do you have an attitude of gratitude that prompts you toward generosity…and melt’s the heart of God?

#5 Should You Listen To Your Feelings?

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When it comes to reacting and making decisions…should we listen to our feelings? Some will say “yes” and some will say “no.” Stay tuned and I’ll tell you what I think.

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Find more from Bret on his website, bretlegg.com | Instagram | YouTube | Facebook

 

How Parenting Can Take a Toll on Partnering

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Parenting is supposed to be one of the most fulfilling experiences of your life. It’s supposed to bring spouses together. But without care and attention, just the opposite can happen. If you’re not careful, parenting can take a toll on your partnering.

LOSING YOUR PLAYMATE

When spouses come to me with problems in their marriage, I typically ask them when they feel the problems started. More often than not, they can trace it back to when they started having kids.

Prior to the kids, the couple would:

  • Spend lots of time together.
  • Go out on dates.
  • Take trips.
  • Have frequent and leisurely sex.
  • Talk a lot
  • Do fun things.
  • (Fill in the blank)

In short, before the kids came, they were playmates.

But, from the time the couple finds out they’re pregnant, the child begins to change everything. Even before the child is born, parenting starts to trump partnering and playmates turn into roommates.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

Though my kids are adults with kids of their own, I remember how it was for us. When my wife was pregnant, things started to change. Suddenly…

  • I couldn’t make breakfast in the morning, because it nauseated my wife. So I had to start getting my breakfast at a drive-up window on the way to work.
  • Instead of saving for things we wanted, we were now saving for things for the nursery and the baby.
  • I had to trade in my compact pickup because there was no room for a car seat.
  • Instead of satisfying late-night cravings for sex, now I was making late-night runs to satisfy her cravings for chocolate milkshakes.
  • And instead of going and doing things like we use to, now our activity was restricted by her fatigue and discomfort.

And that was just during the pregnancy! Little did I know that pregnancy was just a preview of coming attractions.

After the child was born, life was all about the kid! This child controlled everything…

  • Our sleep schedules (or lack thereof.)
  • Our sex lives (or lack thereof.)
  • If and when we went anywhere.
  • What time we had to be home.
  • How loud we could be in the house.
  • The way we budgeted money.
  • (Fill in the blank.)

But perhaps the biggest change was the change in our relationship. Parenting changed our partnering. Here’s how:

HOW PARTNERS DRIFT APART

Before our first child came into the picture, my wife and I were playmates. But after our child was born, my playmate became a mom, and moms are focused on the child. They responsibly give all her attention to tending to the needs of their child.

But, I missed my playmate. So I would attempt to get her back from time to time. But it rarely seemed to work. She was either too focused on taking care of our child, or too tired from the demands on her, or too distracted with mom stuff. Though she never said it, it often felt like I was getting the message, “You’re a big strong adult who can take care of yourself, but this child needs us.

When husbands lose their playmate, they have three options:

  • They can keep trying to get their playmate back, (which tends to aggravate their wives.)
  • They can find another playmate, (which always ends badly.)
  • Or they can switch from being a playmate to being a dad. (And dads tend to focus on providing by working and keeping things up.)

And this is where the parenting starts to take its toll on partnering. As moms focus on children and dads focus on work, they begin to slowly drift apart. Gradually, they become more like roommates that only have one thing in common…the needs of the kids.

Depressed yet? Don’t be. This is normal. And the good news is, you can turn this around! We’ll get into how to do this in the next post. So be looking for it.

2 Samuel 6 – Living Full Throttle for God

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If you followed me through a typical week, you would find times when I get things right and times when I mess things up. Times when my desire is to lift up God and times when I’m more concerned about myself. Times when I’m acting gracious and times when I’m being sarcastic. I can appear very disjointed and dichotomous at times.

2 Samuel chapter 6 has that same feel. It presents as a case study in contrast…or more appropriately human nature. For example…

  • David shows great desire to have the ark (God’s presence) among them, yet shows great disrespect for following God’s directions for transporting the ark. (Numbers 4:5,6,15) (1 Chronicles 15:13-15)
  • David is angry at God for the death of Uzzah and doesn’t want the ark near Jerusalem. (Uzzah had reached out to steady the ark when it looked like it was going to fall…which was against God’s command that no one was to touch the ark.) But, when David finds out that God is blessing the people in whose home the ark is kept, he then wants to bring the ark to his location.
  • Publicly, David’s life is one of joy, worship, and admiration. But privately (with his wife Michal) his life is one of strife and contention.

If you step back and look at David’s life, it can seem very two-faced. Yet God continued to reach out to him, walk with him, and redirect him with mercy, grace, and patience.

Why?

Maybe the thing that made David’s life so full of contrast was also the thing that made him a man after God’s own heart. Perhaps it was David’s willingness to go after God full throttle that so endeared him to God. And though this often meant his mistakes were also full throttle, at least he was willing to turn around and get back on track when he missed it.

Are you living a life that’s full-throttled for God?

#4 What Is Mindfulness and How Can It Help?

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Mindfulness. There’s a lot of talk about mindfulness these days. But what is it, and can it really help you, and how?

Today on QUICK COUNSEL, we’re going to give you a basic understanding of mindfulness and how it can help you. So stay tuned.

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#3 Does Your Marriage Need A Time Out?

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We’re all familiar with children needing a time-out when they’re having trouble controlling themselves, but have you ever thought that there are times when spouses need a time out also. 

We’re going to talk about that today on Quick Counsel. 

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Find more from Bret on his website, bretlegg.com | Instagram | YouTube | Facebook