There are some things in life that can change a person.
Going through a war.
Having a stroke.
Being victimized.
Going through a divorce.
Things like these can impact a person to the point of changing how they see and react to people and life.
In 2 Samuel chapter 19, you see a changed David. There, rather than exercising military might, David offers kindness and mercy to those who had rebelled against him.
What was it that prompted this kinder, gentler David? Perhaps he felt he had brought on their rebellion because of his actions with Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 12:11-12)
But perhaps David was keenly aware of the undeserved mercy he had received from God, and it prompted him to be more merciful to those who had wronged him and were undeserving of mercy.
We’re told that of those who are given much, much is required. (Luke 12:48) We’re also told that those who have been forgiven much should love much. (Luke 7:36-47) David knew how much God had forgiven him. He also knew how much mercy God had shown him. This awareness led him to be more merciful and forgiving to those who had rebelled against him.
When’s the last time you stopped to think about how much God has forgiven you, or how much mercy He has shown you?
If you make a habit of remembering God’s mercy and forgiveness toward you, it will change how you respond to others; especially those who have wronged you.
Each week, I post a two-minute truth from Scripture hopefully is personal, practical, and helps you through your week.
But on this week of Christmas, the greatest two-minute truth I could post would be this…God loves you! It may not feel like it right now. It may not look like it right now. But God loves you so much He has already given you the greatest gift He could give you…the gift of His Son, Jesus.
When you reach out and take this gift, it will change your life. It may not change things externally, but it will change you, internally and eternally.
I hope you will accept God’s gift of Jesus this Christmas. It’s a two-minute truth that will not only change your week…it will change your life and your eternity!
In the last post, we looked at what can cause your sex drive to run out of gas. We also talked about some things you might be able to do about it.
But what do you do if your spouse is the one with little to no sex drive?
THE STATISTICS.
According to an article in the New York Times by Jen Gunter, 15% of married couples are in a sexless relationship. A sexless relationship is defined as spouses who have sex 10 or fewer times in a year.
And if you assume it’s just husbands who are frustrated by their wife’s lack of desire for sex, you would be wrong. While it’s true that roughly 80% of males have sex drives that are higher than their wives, there are still approximately 20% of wives who struggle because their husbands are not as interested in sex as they are.
NOT AN EASY PROBLEM TO ADDRESS.
Unlike where to go on vacation or how to discipline the kids, a spouse with little to no sex drive can be a delicate and difficult issue to address. Few things are as sensitive and personal as one’s sex drive, and trying to address this issue can trigger…
Feelings of inadequacy.
Fears of rejection.
Family of origin issues.
Frustrations with your spouse.
To effectively deal with sexual issues in marriage requires a level of security and vulnerability that can be difficult for spouses…especially spouses with little to no sex drive.
FEW ACCEPTABLE WORKAROUNDS.
So, if you’re the one doing without, what can you do? For most other things in marriage, there are acceptable workarounds…
If they don’t like to cook, you can get take out.
If they’re not into football, you can get a friend to watch the game with you.
If they’re not much of a talker, you can talk to a good friend.
But what are you supposed to do about sex? It’s not like you can just find someone else to have sex with…at least not if you want to keep your marriage. So do you…
Pressure them for sex?
Learn to do without?
Get out of the marriage?
Settle for satisfying your own needs?
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
There are no quick and easy fixes when your spouse has little to no interest in sex. But there are still things you can do to try to address the issue.
Don’t assume this is just the way it is.
Don’t automatically assume there’s nothing that can be done. Such an early surrender will lead you to feel helpless and resentful. It is possible to address and improve this problem if both of you are willing to work at it. So exhaust every avenue before you assume nothing can be done.
Don’t take it personally.
We are created as sexual beings. I believe this is both God’s design and desire for us. So, if your spouse has a low-to-no sex drive, then something is standing in the way. Still, that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s about you.
Chances are, it’s more about your spouse…their experiences, their emotional state, their physical state, their behaviors, their insecurities, their problems with intimacy, etc.
Don’t immediately assume their lack of sex drive is about you.
Work on your part of the relationship.
Even though your spouse’s lack of sex drive is probably not about you, that doesn’t mean there aren’t things you can do to improve your relationship with your spouse. None of us are perfect. We can all do better when it comes to our relationship with our spouse. And working on your part of the non-sexual relationship will help to remove any roadblocks that might be interfering with your sexual relationship.
Communicate your feelings clearly and lovingly.
It can be difficult to talk about your sexual relationship with your spouse. It’s such a personal thing and opening up about it can leave us feeling vulnerable to further hurt. But you must talk about it! You cannot improve something you won’t talk about.
You can speak lovingly and encouragingly, but you must also speak clearly and openly about your feelings, your desires, and your needs. Your spouse cannot read your mind, so don’t leave them to guess at what you want and why you want it.
Be encouraging/insistent that the two of you work on the problem.
Sex drives can certainly vary between spouses, but a low-to-no sex drive is a problem that must be addressed. Encourage/insist that the two of you talk to a physician to rule out any possible physical, hormonal, or medication problems that might exist. If you find nothing on that front, then the two of you should see a counselor for any historical or relational issues that are interfering with your sexual relationship.
Chances are, your spouse will not be excited about taking these steps. They may even resist. But that’s where you need to be lovingly persistent and insistent.
Pursue other forms of sexual engagement with them.
There is more to sex than just intercourse. If intercourse is a problem for some reason, then find other ways for the two of you to engage in sexual closeness. And don’t be so serious and intense about it. Make it playful. (After all, it is called fore-PLAY.)
BUT WHAT IF MY SPOUSE REFUSES TO WORK ON THE ISSUE?
What can you do if you’ve tried all the above, but to no avail? If your spouse refuses to address the problem or do anything about it, it can leave you feeling stuck and powerless. After all, it’s hard to dance with someone who won’t get on the dance floor. And as we said before, there are few acceptable workarounds for this problem.
If your spouse refuses to address the issue, you are left with four alternatives…none of which are ideal.
You could leave the marriage.
You may feel like doing this because your needs aren’t being met and you feel hurt and rejected. But you need to be very careful with this option. It will not fix the problem. It simply replaces one problem with other problems that can actually be bigger and more complicated.
You could learn to accept things as they are.
Again, this is not an ideal or easy alternative. And you need to be careful with this alternative because if all you do is try to ignore the issue and sweep it under the rug, your resentment will eventually build up and leak out in your behavior.
Your resentment could lead you to become angry with your spouse and withdraw from them, or your resentment could lead you to start looking outside the marriage.
If you’re going to pursue this option, you must be able to see your spouse as unable (much as if they had a physical handicap) and determine that your relationship with them is more important than having sex with them.
You could offer up your desires to God and sacrificially commit to this marital norm.
This is different from the previous option of just learning to accept things as they are. Just accepting things as they are is more of a grit-your-teeth-and-put-up-with-it approach. Offering up your desires to God and sacrificially committing to this marital norm is more of a willingness to sacrifice what you want for the good of your spouse and your marriage.
1 Corinthians 7 talks about the need for sexual consistency between a husband and wife. But in that passage, we are also told there can be times when abstaining from sex can used for spiritual purposes.
Theres’ no doubt that this is a difficult option to pursue. But focusing your frustration in the direction of faith, will reduce the resentment and anger that comes from the “grit-your-teeth-and-put-up-with-it approach.” And hopefully this “dry spell” will not be forever.
You could pursue sexual release through self-pleasuring.
If no other option works, you may have to turn to this option. I’m fully aware that this can be a very controversial topic, especially for Christians who are mindful of the Bible’s warnings about lust and looking at others lustfully. And there are distinct dangers to the self-pleasuring option.
Self-pleasuring is always accompanied by fantasy. If the object of your fantasy is someone other than your spouse, it can lead to further dissatisfaction with your spouse…making your frustration even worse. It can also violate the Biblical mandate about not lusting over people other than your spouse.
Self-pleasuring can become a way of getting around the hard work of building sexual intimacy with a real live person…your spouse. This can create a further gap between you and your spouse.
Self-pleasuring can become a habitual form of dealing with stress, anger, or other negative emotions. When this happens, the self-pleasuring becomes an addiction. At that point, it’s no longer serving you. You are serving it.
Self-pleasuring can not only become addictive, but it can lead to turning to pornography for stimulation and fantasy. This not only violates the biblical mandates against lust but will typically be hurtful to the other spouse and lead to an even greater divide between spouses.
So, although there is no specific prohibition in Scripture against this option, you must be careful in seeking sexual release through self-pleasuring. It should be done…
With your spouse’s awareness.
With your spouse’s involvement…if they’re willing.
And only when the accompanying fantasies are about your spouse.
A FINAL WORD…
As you can see, having a spouse who shows little to no interest in sex is a complicated and very personal issue. It is possible to solve this issue if both spouses are willing to honestly communicate and patiently work on the problem. But if the spouse with the low-to-no sex drive stonewalls, it requires great commitment and faith from the other spouse to keep the marriage going.
If this is a problem in your marriage, and you’ve been unable to resolve it, sit down and once again and share your heart with your spouse. Seek help from physicians, counselors, or trusted friends. Lean into your faith and prayer. Don’t give up. Continue to fight the good fight for your sexual relationship.
Ever notice how some of our greatest lessons come to us in ways we didn’t expect? Simple, common-place events can suddenly yield unexpected gems of understanding and insight. Like when your child casually says or does something and suddenly you see things more clearly.
2 Samuel chapters 17 and 18 contain the story of battle plans and battles. Yet, in these narratives, you suddenly get a glimpse into the character and the heart of God Himself.
In these chapters, you see the providence and involvement of God in the plans of men. You get a picture of the loyalty that God exercises toward us. And you actually hear God’s heart of self-sacrificing love for His children. (2 Sam. 18:33) And the fact that these glimpses of God arise out of battle stories is yet another unexpected lesson.
In the midst of our battles, we need to remember that:
God is sovereign and providential over our circumstances.
He is loyal to us, even when others are not.
God loves us with a love that readily and freely lays down His life for ours.
We see these three characteristics displayed powerfully on the cross. On the cross, God demonstrated His providence, loyalty, and love by taking our place and dying on the cross in the person of Jesus. God did what David couldn’t do. He died for us. He died in the place of His rebellious children.
This is a lesson that will surface, not only in 2 Samuel chapters 17 and 18, but everywhere we turn…if we will have the eyes to see it.
When you and your spouse are at odds with one another, it’s easy to expect your spouse to be the first one to try to make things right. But what happens if they don’t want to go first? What happens if you don’t want to go first? Who should go first to repair the relationship?
In today’s episode of Quick Council, we’re going to see if we can figure that out!
It’s normal in marriage for one spouse to have a lower sex drive than the other. But when one spouse exhibits little to no sex drive, it can be an extremely difficult thing for the marriage.
I know marriage is about more than just sex, but sex can be critical to the health of a marriage. Studies have shown a correlation between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction.
And even the Scripture tells us that sex is a basic drive and desire, hardwired into us by God, for enjoyment as well as procreation. You see this throughout the Song of Solomon, as well as in passages like Proverbs 5:19.
So, if your sex drive is nil to none, let’s look at some possible reasons.
THE REASONS
Though we think it should be simple, a sex drive is a complicated issue. There are many things that can snuff your sex drive. Here are a few of them:
Hormonal.
Hormones and hormonal balance are major players when it comes to sex drive. Sex drive can be affected by the time of the month, low testosterone levels, thyroid problems, and many other hormonal issues. Don’t overlook this.
Relational.
When you’re not doing well relationally, it will affect your sex drive. This is especially true for wives. If a wife is feeling insecure, unappreciated, emotionally disconnected, or hurt it will greatly suppress her sex drive. The same can be true for husbands, but typically a husband’s sex drive is not as tethered to these things. That’s why most husbands will still be interested in sex, even after having a fight with their wives.
Physical.
Because sex is very physical, physical problems can interfere with your sex drive. If sex is painful, it can very quickly dampen your sex drive and even prompt you to avoid sex. Erectile dysfunction, breathing issues, heart issues, excessive weight, back pain, joint pain…these can all interfere with sex and your sex drive.
Age can also be a factor. It is not true that we lose our sex drive when we age, but that drive can certainly decrease as we age.
Medical.
It can be easy to overlook, but certain medications can dampen and interfere with your sex drive. Many anti-depressants, heart medications, prostate medications, and even some over-the-counter medications for heartburn can affect your sex drive.
Historical.
Whether we like it or not, we carry our history into our present…and into our bedrooms. Past abuses and hurts can greatly affect your sex drive. What you were taught about sex (good or bad) plays into your sex drive. Past sexual experiences can be a factor. And unresolved issues between you and your spouse can dampen a sex drive.
Habitual.
Certainly, if you’re involved with someone else, it will affect your sex drive with your spouse. But if you’re involved in the on-going use of porn or masturbation, chances are you will experience a lowering of your sex drive for your spouse. You’re expending the sex drive you have on someone or something other than your spouse; leaving little to none for them. These are serious issues that will need to be addressed.
Emotional.
On-going emotional issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, and insecurity hit at the heart of a sex drive. Body image issues are another big factor. And trust issues (often stemming from past hurts and abuses) make it difficult to freely open up in sex…thus dampening your sex drive.
Intentional.
We don’t think of this one as much as we do the others, but a lack of intentionality will slowly siphon off your sex drive. Life is busy and demanding. If we’re not intentional about maintaining and improving our sex life, our sex drive can easily wane.
THE REMEDIES
If one or more of the above issues is decreasing your sex drive and hurting your marriage, take heart. There are steps you can take:
See your physician. Explain your issues with low sex drive and have them do a complete workup. Have them go through all your medications to determine if they may be interfering with your sex drive.
Nurture the relationship in non-sexual ways. Spend time together. Have fun together. Surprise them. Serve them. Compliment your spouse. Flirt with your spouse. Put in a lot of effort outside the bedroom. Chances are, this will make it easier for you to show interest in the bedroom.
Get in better shape. Take care of yourself physically. It will help with mobility and stamina and lead you to feel better all the way around.
Work through past issues. Work with a counselor to dismantle the effects of past abuse, wrong messages, depression, anxiety, or anything else that might be interfering with your sex drive.
Be intentional. Don’t put sex at the back of the line of things to do. Don’t give it the left-overs of your time and energy. Think about it. Set aside time. Schedule. Plan. Be as intentional about this part of your marriage as you are with other parts.
A WORD TO THE OTHER SPOUSE
All of this has been written for the spouse who has a low sex drive.
But if you’re the one who struggles because your spouse seems to have no sex drive, then you probably feel you have little to no control over whether your spouse actively does something about their low sex drive. It can leave you feeling like you have no options when it comes to your own needs.
In the next post, we’re going to try to address the needs of the spouse who is living with someone who doesn’t seem interested in sex. So stay tuned.
“It’s not fair!” “They can’t do that!” “It’s not right!”
We used these words as children when we thought we were being wronged, or when we thought someone what getting away with something they shouldn’t.
But I feel this way when I read 2 Samuel chapters 15 and 16. There, David’s son Absalom shows a deep and unwarranted contempt for David. He steals David’s people from him and eventually steals most of his kingdom from him. Many of David’s trusted friends and advisors turn and side with Absalom. And on top of that, Absalom thumbs his nose at David by sleeping with David’s concubines/wives. It’s not fair!
Then, instead of fighting back, David leaves town. David allows Shimei to throw rocks at him and curse him…not just once, but all along the trail. And David prevents his guards from punishing Shimei. David just rolls over and takes it. It’s not fair!
And where is God in all of this?! Why doesn’t God step in and correct these wrongs? Is God on Absolom’s side? Is He continuing to punish David for his sins with Bathsheba? Does God not care about injustice? It’s not fair!
But, there’s something we need to learn from David in all of this. We need to learn to trust God’s sovereignty and plan at all times…even when it looks and feels unfair. David reminds us:
It’s all in God’s hands.
If God hasn’t changed the situation, it’s for a reason.
We don’t know what God will work out in the end.
It’s simple to say, “Trust God.” But it’s hard to do; especially when what’s happening is not fair. But, as followers of God, we must keep telling ourselves, “It’s not about fairness. It’s about reliance!”
