The Wrong Way to be Right

I have a grandson who thinks he’s right about everything. Even the things he knows nothing about! No matter what you’re talking about, he typically takes the opposing opinion, and he’s convinced he’s right. Even if you show him he’s wrong, he won’t concede. He just walks away.

There are a lot of marriages out there where one or both spouses are always convinced they’re right. They take a stand and an opinion on various things, and they’ll ride the “I’m right” train to the very end of the line. And if you somehow prove they’re wrong, they will shift the point to something else, or just withdraw.

Why is it so Important for Some People to be Right?

Why is being right so important to some spouses? There can be a wide variety of reasons why a spouse becomes so doggedly determined to prove they’re right.

  • Maybe they were raised in a home where being right was highly valued.
  • Perhaps they saw their parents fight a lot about who was right or wrong.
  • Maybe they were not believed in the past by parents, friends, or coworkers.
  • Perhaps they’ve been wrongly accused in the past and suffered injustices.
  • Maybe they struggle with low self-esteem, and being right is a way of feeling better about themselves.
  • Perhaps they have a competitive personality that turns disagreements into competitions.

Whatever the case may be, there are spouses out there who just have to be right about everything. And maybe you’re one of them.

You Can be Right in the Wrong Way.

Now being right can seem like…well, it can seem right. But did you know that you can be right and still be wrong? In other words, you can be right in the wrong way.

You can be right in the wrong way when…

  • You’re condescending.
  • You cut your spouse off.
  • You don’t consider your spouse’s thoughts and ideas.
  • You’re competitive.
  • You don’t control your emotions.
  • You feel you need to dominate the situation or your spouse.
  • You see everything as right or wrong…even the little things.

You may be right in some situations, but if you are right in the wrong way, you will lose more than you gain.

How to be right the right way?

I know that saying there’s a right way to be right sounds like I’m one of those people who always needs to be right. So, let’s just say there is a better way to be right. And it’s a way that will help both you and your spouse to stay connected despite disagreements.

When you feel you’re right about something, here are seven things to keep in mind:

Be kind.

If you’re right, kindness goes a long way to softening someone up and making it easier for them to admit it. And if you’re wrong, kindness makes being wrong easier to swallow.

Be considerate.

Everyone wants to feel heard…even if we’re wrong. This is especially true in marriage. Considering your spouse’s point of view will do one of two things. First, it may show you that you’re not as right as you thought you were. And second, it may show you how your right can be made better. Create space for your spouse and their views; even if you don’t agree with them.

Be compassionate.

Just as you need to consider their point of view, you also need to consider their feelings. Care about what they think. Right or wrong, their views may be driven by hurts, fears, or insecurities. These call for compassion, not conquering.

Don’t be competitive.

I know it’s easy in disagreements to get sucked into a competition to see who will come out on top. But remember…you’re both on the same team. If one of you loses, you both lose. If you become competitive, you will lose…even if you win. Marriage is not about competition. It’s about collaboration.

Don’t be condescending.

When you become condescending to your spouse…in words, tone, or attitude…you leave a lasting scar on them that apologies don’t erase. When you got married, you vowed to love and protect your spouse. But when you become condescending, you become the one inflicting harm. Consequently, it becomes harder and harder for your spouse to trust you.

Control your emotions.

When you’re in a disagreement with your spouse, it can be easy to let your emotions elevate and eventually run away with you. At that point: you elevate your volume, you use words you shouldn’t use, and you take on attitudes that do more harm than good…all for the sake of winning the argument. You may win the argument, but you will lose your spouse. I’m not saying your emotions are invalid or wrong. But you cannot let your emotions drive you in these situations because they will drive you over a cliff.

Consider if this is a hill to die on.

Finally, when it comes to being right, you need to consider whether this particular situation is really a hill worth dying on. There are some hills worth dying on. Hills like: abuse, betrayal, abandonment, substance abuse, child endangerment, illegal activity, etc. But for most spouses, the fight to be right is over much smaller hills. Hills like: whether someone’s parents are intrusive, whether there’s enough money in the clothing budget, who should be in charge of scheduling date nights, and whether to have sex twice a week or twice a month. Not every hill is a hill to die on.

A FINAL WORD…

If spouses put as much time and energy into being loving and supportive as they do into being right, the issue of who’s right and who’s wrong wouldn’t be such an issue. It’s not so much about having the right opinion as it is about being the right spouse. And this is not always about being right. You don’t have to compromise the truth, but you don’t always have to be right…even when you’re right.

2 Kings 5 – Two Things That Always Make Sense

THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE

While in seminary, I served as a hospice chaplain to patients who were diagnosed with 6 months or less to live.

There was a nice and personable patient who sticks in my memory. This man had a wonderful wife, kids, and grandkids. He had just retired and was getting ready to spend retirement traveling when he received his diagnosis. Instead of enjoying a hard-earned retirement traveling around the country, he would live out a few short months confined to a hospital bed in his house.

I remember leaving that home thinking, “There are bad people in this city who will live to a ripe old age. Yet this sweet patient will die early and never enjoy his retirement. This doesn’t make sense!”

I have the same feeling when I read 2 Kings chapter 5. The story doesn’t make sense:

  • A slave girl shows care and compassion toward her captor. (2 Kings 5:3)
  • A ruthless king shows compassion and care for a commander and sends him for healing.
  • God’s king and the servant of God’s prophet both are self-centered and lack compassion.
  • The man in need of healing is prideful and arrogant at first, yet he’s still healed.
  • The servant of God’s prophet ends up with leprosy.

In other words, the people you would have thought to be selfish were compassionate, and the people you would have thought to be compassionate were selfish.

THE TWO THINGS THAT ALWAYS MAKE SENSE

Naaman’s healing came about because of people in his life who were compassionate and cared for him, while Gehazi’s leprosy came about because of his greed and lack of compassion. (2 Kings 5:20)

Care and compassion are two things that always make sense because they are akin to God’s own heart. Selfishness and greed, on the other hand, are forces akin to the evil one.

So, despite the assumptions people might make about you, if they dug down to your core, would they find care and compassion for others or selfishness and greed for yourself? Would they find the heart of God or the heart of the enemy?

2 Samuel 19 – Become a Kinder and Gentler You

There are some things in life that can change a person.

  • Going through a war.
  • Having a stroke.
  • Being victimized.
  • Going through a divorce.

Things like these can impact a person to the point of changing how they see and react to people and life.

In 2 Samuel chapter 19, you see a changed David. There, rather than exercising military might, David offers kindness and mercy to those who had rebelled against him.

What was it that prompted this kinder, gentler David? Perhaps he felt he had brought on their rebellion because of his actions with Bathsheba. (2 Samuel 12:11-12)

But perhaps David was keenly aware of the undeserved mercy he had received from God, and it prompted him to be more merciful to those who had wronged him and were undeserving of mercy.

We’re told that of those who are given much, much is required. (Luke 12:48) We’re also told that those who have been forgiven much should love much. (Luke 7:36-47) David knew how much God had forgiven him. He also knew how much mercy God had shown him. This awareness led him to be more merciful and forgiving to those who had rebelled against him.

When’s the last time you stopped to think about how much God has forgiven you, or how much mercy He has shown you?

If you make a habit of remembering God’s mercy and forgiveness toward you, it will change how you respond to others; especially those who have wronged you.

2 Samuel 1 – Are We Talking About the Same Person?

I’ve been to funerals where they were eulogizing the “dearly departed” and thought to myself, “Are we talking about the same person?!” Now I know it would be in poor taste to bad mouth the deceased…even if they were a mean and difficult person in life. But sometimes the things that are said about a person at their funeral barely resemble who the person was in real life. When this happens, you can’t help but wonder, “Are we talking about the same person?”

I feel like this when I read 2 Samuel chapter one. Saul was a man who was egotistical, prideful, paranoid, and homicidal. Yet to hear David’s funeral song, Saul sounds like a cross between Billy Graham and Dudley Do-Right. Saul was a man who repaid David’s bravery and loyalty by incessantly hunting him down to kill him. Still, David sings his praises and morns him as he would his own father. Why?!

Perhaps it was because David saw the bigger picture…the broader plot. David was able to see beyond the injustices that were done to him. He was able to take the wrongs of Saul’s life and see them through a spiritual lens. David related to Saul as God would relate to Saul…with grace, compassion, and mercy.

We need to remember that we only have a small and narrow picture of the person before us. Consequently, we should respond to everyone with the same grace, compassion, and mercy that we ourselves receive from God. Otherwise, these people may attend OUR funeral and think, “Are we talking about the same person?!”