“Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall” (Prov. 16:18 NLT)
Sometimes (if not most of the time) we’re our own worst enemy. Especially when things are going well for us and we’re prospering. It’s during these times that we tend to forget God, whose goodness and blessing we’re enjoying. We become prideful and self-confident in times of ease and prosperity.
This is what you see in the lives of king Amaziah and king Uzziah, in 2 Chronicles chapters 25 through 27. Both kings start off honoring and obeying God, and because of that, God honors them with success, prosperity, fame, and power. But then, both kings become prideful and self-serving. God lifted them up, but their pride took them down.
How many times has this happened to us? We’ve been in a hard or threatening time of life. We’ve turned to God in need and dependence. God rescued and delivered us to a place of comfort and ease. Then we act as if we got ourselves out of the jam and we don’t really need him.
Never forget that if you don’t stay full of God, you will stay full of yourself. And that will be your downfall.
Go to any bookstore, browse the business and leadership section, and you’ll find many books that supposedly contain the secrets of success. People want to know the steps, the formulas, and the ingredients that will make them successful.
In 2 Chronicles chapter 24, you find one man’s story of success and failure. Joash is the seven-year-old boy-king whom Jehoiada the priest had hidden as an infant to protect him from assassination. He becomes a very successful ruler by engaging in three specific behaviors.
First, he focused on what mattered most…the presence and glory of God.
Second, he persistently planned and worked toward what mattered most.
Third, he had people in his life who were dedicated to what mattered most.
The right focus, the right effort, and the right influences led to Joash’s success.
But when Joash changed his focus, his efforts, and his influences, he became a great failure. To the point that his life fell apart and his people turned on him. (1 Chron. 24:17-23)
Ask yourself these questions:
What is my focus?
How do I spend my efforts?
Who are the people influencing me?
Honestly answering these questions will quickly reveal why your life is going in the direction it’s going. Don’t make the mistake that Joash made. Keep your focus, efforts, and influences on what matters most. The presence and glory of God.
On May 25, 1961, President John F. Kennedy made a very bold decision to land a man on the moon and return him safely to earth; and to do that before the end of the decade. That seemingly unreachable goal was reached and now seems rather mundane, because we currently have roving equipment on the planet Mars and future dreams of placing a man on Mars. But all of this came about because of a bold decision and courageous action.
You see the same thing in 2 Chronicles chapter 23. The chapter begins with an evil over-bearing queen Athaliah ruling over Judah and leading the nation into dark wickedness. The chapter ends with a descendant of David on the throne, a priest leading a nation in a fresh and strong commitment to God, and a peace reigning in the city of Jerusalem. This dramatic change was initiated by a bold decision by Jehoiada the priest at the beginning of the chapter and was carried out by his courageous actions in the rest of the chapter. Because of this, the chapter ends with a people rejoicing over a new king and a nation returning to its commitment to God.
It was a bold decision and courageous action that brought about the change.
What great change in your world is waiting on you to make a bold decision and take courageous action? What would be overturned and set right if you would but decide and act? What dreams would be reached and what moons would be walked on if you made a bold decision and followed up with courageous action? What is God calling you to do?
Here’s a common occurrence in counseling. A married couple comes into my office and tells me they love each other but they’re not in love with each other. The spark’s not there. They don’t feel a desire for one another. The chemistry’s gone. Things have become mundane, matter-or-fact, and boring. Neither are satisfied. They can’t figure out what’s wrong, but they don’t want to go on like this.
You may be thinking, “I’ve felt the same way about my marriage!” If so, I want you to take a deep breath and relax. This is normal. It happens to nearly every marriage at some point or another. I call it marital atrophy.
What is Atrophy?
Atrophy is defined as the gradual decline in effectiveness or vigor due to underuse or neglect.
We usually think of atrophy as something that happens to your muscles when you’ve been in a hospital and bedridden for
a while. You also think of atrophy when one of your limbs has been immobilized in a cast for some time.
Like muscles, a marriage can atrophy.
What Causes Marital Atrophy?
Marriages decline, lose vitality, and become ineffective from neglect and lack of use. Marriages atrophy when spouses…
Stop intentionally spending time with one another.
Fall into ruts and routines.
Allow familiarity to excuse a lack of communication.
Stop flirting with one another.
Allow sex to dwindle or become routine.
Quit treating each other with common courtesies.
Pay more attention to the kids than each other.
Stop intentionally connecting with one another.
Pay more attention to their own needs than to their spouse’s needs.
In short, marriages atrophies with spouses stop intentionally connecting with one another. And couples are more susceptible to marital atrophy at certain stages of marriage.
When small children are demanding a lot of time and energy.
When one or both spouses are trying to get careers off the ground.
When you’re in the throes of parenting a teenager.
When money is tight and conflicts are high.
Or, marital atrophy can set in…
When you’re feeling too comfortable in your relationship.
When things are going so well, you don’t feel like you need to try that hard.
When a lack of complaints leads each spouse to believe the other is ok.
In other words, marital atrophy can set in anytime a couple is feeling overwhelmed with demands, responsibilities, and schedules. Or, when couples feel like things are going so well they start to coast.
What Can You Do About Marital Atrophy?
Is there anything you can do to prevent marital atrophy; or at least turn it around? There is. But before I get to that, let me take you back in time. All the way back to before you were married. Remember when you were dating you current spouse and felt so much in love? What were the two of you doing at that time? If you’re like most couples…
You spent as much time as you could together.
You talked every chance you got.
You talked about what was on your heart.
You talked about your dreams for the future.
You did things with them you didn’t enjoy or wouldn’t necessarily do.
You sent little texts or left little notes.
You surprised the other with things they loved.
You put the other ahead of yourself.
You sacrificed for the other.
You wanted to be physically close with one another.
You were flirty and playful.
If these are the things you did when love was high, my question is this…if you feel your marriage has atrophied, could it be that you’ve stopped doing these things? Now, before you say anything, I can hear the excuses pouring in:
“Well, that was when we were younger.”
“We had more time then”
“We didn’t have all the stressors and demands then that we have now.”
“We don’t have as much to say then.”
“We weren’t as tired then as we are now.”
“We’re too busy now to do a lot of those little things.”
“We’ve allowed too much to come between us to feel playful.”
“We hadn’t accumulated the long list of hurts we have now.”
I know these excuses well. I’ve used a lot of them. But none of these excuses, no matter how valid they may be, will resurrect an atrophied marriage. You have to put in the work.
A Final Word…
Just like muscles that have atrophied, a couple whose marriage has atrophied needs to get moving and do the things they once did that made them feel so in love. You may think you don’t have the time or money for this at this stage of your marriage, but let me ask you this question: Do you have time and money for a divorce?
Is it hard? Yes. Is it a quick fix? No? Will your spouse always respond well? Maybe not. Will you get back to the level you were when you were dating? Probably not. But if the muscles of your marriage have atrophied, you have to start exercising them again. And once you do, you’ll be surprised what you can get back. You’ve nothing to lose by trying, and you just might get some of the old spark back in the process.
There are times in the life of a nation when corruption seems to be the only rule of government. Government leaders seem more loyal to their perks than their public. Officials publicly speak about honesty and morality, but later are found to be living dishonest and immoral lives.
During such discouraging times, people may cry out for a change, but they often feel anyone they put in office will just turn out the same. It can feel like a lost cause.
This was the climate in 2 Chronicles chapter 22.
Judah’s King Ahaziah was as corrupt as King Ahab of Israel. He even made some of Ahab’s family his advisors.
King Ahaziah’s mother (Athaliah) was even encouraging him to do wrong.
After Ahaziah was assassinated, Judah was left under the evil influence of his mother (Athaliah,) who assassinated any of her family members who might be an heir to the throne.
But, in the midst of all this corruption, one person decides to do the right thing. Jehosheba, the sister of the wicked queen mother, takes king Ahaziah’s infant son, Joash, and hides him so his grandmother won’t kill him. And because Jehosheba was willing to do what was right, Judah would later experience one of its greatest times of reform and revival.
Jehosheba’s act not only leads to national reform but also continues to speak to readers today. This should remind us that our actions – no matter how small or unnoticed – will have an impact later on.
So don’t get discouraged. Do what’s right. You can make a difference. Because what you do (no matter how small) will have a domino-like impact on the future.
What follows is a different type of post than I usually write. It’s less professional and more personal, so please forgive me if I take off my counseling hat for a moment and bare my soul.
The Anniversary
Last week my wife and I celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary. Let me clarify upfront…that’s not the heartbreaking part! We’ve been together a total of 45 years and she’s still my best friend. I wouldn’t want to do life with anyone else, and hopefully, we’ll be chasing each other around the nursing home someday.
The Heartbreak
So what made it so heartbreaking? Was it the health issues we currently face? Was it the personal family things we’re currently walking through?
None of these led to my heartbreak. Though they’re not fun, they’re just a part of life, and the further down the road you travel, the more apt you are to hit some rough roads.
What broke my heart was that at the same time as our upcoming anniversary, I received word of four different marriages that were headed for divorce.
These were not rookie couples. They were couples with kids who had been married for over 10 years. They were couples who appeared to have promise and hope. They were couples with whom I had some sort of connection. And they were couples who were capable of rising above their issues and going on to have a great marriage together. But, for some reason, one or both spouses decided the marriage needed to end.
The Reality
I don’t want to minimize or trivialize the struggles they were facing. When you’re in the midst of such struggles, it’s easy to feel that things are insurmountable. Nor do I want to minimize or trivialize the efforts of those spouses who did everything they could do to keep their marriage together. Some of these spouses worked incredibly hard to save their marriage. But, as I’ve said before, marriage is a dance between two people. And sometimes you just can’t make your dance partner want to dance.
You might be thinking, “You’ve done marriage counseling for close to 30 years. You should be used to this by now.” But I’ve never been able to get used to divorce. (And I hope I never do.) No one dreams of being divorced. So to watch a couple who once vowed “till death do we part” wind up dividing property and kids because they believe they can’t make it work still breaks my heart.
Divorces will happen. We live in a complicated and messy world with complicated and messy people. Sometimes…
The hurt is too deep.
The personalities are too fixed and rigid.
The issues have been left unattended for too long.
The trust is too damaged.
I still want to believe that every hurting marriage can be restored. But sometimes divorce is just going to happen, no matter how hard you try.
The Plea
So, out of my heartbreak, I want to plead with you. Whether you‘ve been married for 2 or 42 years…
Don’t sweep things under the rug. Talk about them sooner rather than later.
Don’t ignore your spouse’s needs. If you can, meet those needs more often than not.
Don’t let yourselves drift apart, even in the hard seasons of marriage. Fight against that.
Don’t let legitimate responsibilities take priority over your most important responsibility…your spouse.
Don’t compare your marriage with others. Instead, focus on being the best couple you can be.
Don’t take things too personally. Not everything is about you. Sometimes it’s about them.
Don’t die on every hill. Some hills are just too small to die on.
Don’t let pride or embarrassment keep you from getting help when you need it. A happy marriage is worth anything.
Will these things insure that you’ll never go through a divorce? No. These things are investments, and occasionally the investment may not pay off. But doing these things will greatly improve the probability of avoiding divorce and of making the most out of your life together.
And to my wife: Thank you for sticking it out with me for the last 42 years…and not smothering me in my sleep! I owe you!
