It happens. You open up your news feed or turn on the news, and you hear about someone with a lot of promise and with everything going for them who threw it all away on bad choices and wrong living. It’s not only sad, it’s mystifying. All you can do is shake your head and think, “What a waste!”
This is the feeling you get from 1 Kings chapter 14. Both Jeroboam and Rehoboam had been given great opportunities. God had given each of them a kingdom and a promise to meet their needs and desires if they would simply follow and obey Him. Yet, they took God’s goodness toward them as a sign they were invincible and they did whatever they wanted.
We can read 1 Kings chapter 14 and say, “What a waste,” but aren’t we prone to demonstrate the same type of behavior?
When things are going well, we tend to let down our guard and become less disciplined and vigilant. We do more of what we want to do and less of what we need to do, acting as if God’s blessings are going to just keep coming…even though our actions are less and less worthy of blessing.
We must remember that every blessing we experience is a gift from God. (James 1:17) We need to realize that we have been bought with the great price of Christ’s life. We should honor and obey God out of gratitude, rather than honor ourselves by doing whatever we want. (1 Cor. 6:20)
Don’t take for granted the blessings of God and your need to gratefully obey His directions. Don’t live your life in such a way that someone might someday look at your life and say, “What a waste!”
We’re all a little immature when we get married. It’s ok to be immature when you get married, but it’s not ok to stay that way! Here’s how can you spot an immature spouse…
This is my wedding photo. When I look at this photo, I can’t help but notice how young and immature I was.
I was only 21 years old.
I was a country boy who had hardly been out of the county in which I lived.
I had little education.
I had never seen a wedding, let alone been in one.
My parent’s marriage was difficult rather than exemplary.
I didn’t have a close relationship with my father and had no instruction on how to be a man, let alone a husband or father.
The 3 years my bride and I had dated were mostly long-distance; leaving me with no idea of what it was like to spend extended periods of time together.
And to top it all off…a few hours after this photo was taken, we moved 600 miles away from home and family to start new jobs.
It’s frightening to think of my level of immaturity at the time. Looking back on it now, it seemed like a train wreck waiting to happen.
But somehow, we made it. We learned to overcome our immaturity and put each other first. It didn’t happen overnight, and immaturity still shows its face occasionally…even after 41 years of marriage.
IS IMMATURITY WRONG?
Here’s the thing. We’re all a little immature when we get married. Before we’re married, life is about “me.” “After we’re married, life is about “us.” And it can be a steep learning curve to shift from “me” to “us.”
The point is this…It’s ok to be a little immature when you get married, but it’s not ok to stay that way!
THE TREND OF IMMATURITY.
I’m concerned about a trend I see in my pastoral counseling practice. I feel like I’m seeing an upswing in marital strife, and more and more of it seems to be about immature spouses. These spouses are not young newlyweds. They are older and have been married for a while! And while immaturity in marriage is not gender-specific, I tend to see it more in husbands than in wives. (Sorry guys!)
THE SIGNS OF IMMATURITY.
So, how can you spot an immature spouse?
Below are some of the signs you can look for to spot an immature spouse. (Note: Use this list to identify immaturity in yourself first, and don’t use it as a club with which to beat up your spouse.)
They focus more of their non-work time and energy on themselves than on their spouse.
They usually feel they’re right and need things to go their way.
They’re quick to blame others, rather than own their responsibility.
They feel a sense of entitlement, more than a sense of gratitude.
They have to be forced to be sacrificial, rather than freely offering it.
They want their spouse to understand them more than they want to understand their spouse.
They tend to see things as either right or wrong, and can’t see possibilities in-between.
They expect to receive more apologies from their spouse than they’re willing to give.
They get mad, pout, or withdraw, rather than talking things out.
They spend more time talking about respect than they do earning it.
They feel they have to be dominant to get what they want.
They become passive-aggressive if they don’t get what they want.
They make decisions that affect their spouse, without checking with them.
They give more ultimatums that compromises.
Their wants and needs tend to come before their spouse’s wants and needs.
SOME THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT THIS LIST…
This is a brutal list.
No one wants to be associated with such a list. So when reading through it, it’s easy to quickly apply it to your spouse rather than yourself. It’s also easy to quickly defend why we might fit some of the things on the list. But look over the list again, and try to be as honest as you can about yourself before reacting.
All of us are guilty of these on occasion.
I’ve been guilty of everything on that list at times. (And I’ve got the scars to show for it!) But if you find one or more of these to be true frequently, or more often than not…then you may have an immaturity problem.
It’s not easy to see these things in ourselves.
If you’re brave and really want to know your immaturity level, ask someone who knows and loves you to weigh in. And if you’re really brave, ask your spouse. Don’t be surprised if your spouse is hesitant to respond. But assure them that it’s not a trick and you really want to know. Then listen openly and carefully. Don’t react. It could be a good time of growth for both of you.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
The cure for immaturity is to get your eyes off of yourself. See your spouse for who they are and what they need. Serve your spouse in ways that put them first and lift them up.
I’m not talking about being a subservient doormat. I’m talking about being a mature, loving, adult partner. At times, this may require having some hard conversations which will not always be received well…especially if your spouse has an immature issue.
But growing up and being mature (no matter your age) is the best way to have a real, honest, and lasting marriage that goes the distance.
“Have you ever watched a movie and thought… “Wait a minute? That’s not supposed to happen!”
I feel that way after reading 1 Kings chapter 13. The chapter starts off well. There’s a clear good guy and bad guy. The good guy confronts the bad guy. And the bad guy seems to change his ways, while the good guy seems to win, staying true to his cause.
But then, everything changes. One good guy deceives the other good guy. A good guy walks away from his code of honor and gets killed. And the original bad guy continues to be just as evil as he ever was!
What kind of movie is this?!
Unfortunately, it’s not a movie. It’s real life. We want:
Things in life to be clear cut, with a predictable plot.
The good guy to always win.
The husband and wife to get back together.
Children to stay pure and innocent.
The cancer to be cured.
Hard workers to be rewarded.
And there are times when things work out the way we want. But there are other times when the plot changes and the outcomes just feel wrong.
But know this…the plot does not control the movie. The Writer/Director does. And in the end, it is what He wants that will prevail.
Throughout 1 Kings chapter 13, God is still writing and directing, no matter how twisted the plot may seem to be. (see 1 Kings 13:1,4-5,21-22,24,28,34.)
Even though the plot may appear twisted and unjust at times, the Director still controls the plot. And His plans for us are always good (Jeremiah 29:11). (Note: Jeremiah 29:11 was given to the Jews, even though they had been defeated, deported, and taken as slaves in a strange land for 70 years. How’s that for a twisted plot.)
There is a Writer/Director Who loves us unconditionally. He is in control of the plot, and He will ultimately make things right, in His time. (Proverbs. 3:5)
It’s not a lack of communication that’s the problem in relationships. It’s a lack of good communication. But I want to explain to you how you can use UPS to deliver good communication in your relationships.
Communication can be boiled down to the simple act of receiving a message and then delivering a message…much like UPS. So we’re going to use the letters U-P-S to help you improve communication in your relationship.
You’ve heard it a million times. “Communication is the key to a good marriage.” This cliché statement has caused many an eye-roll in marriage, but here’s the problem…there’s communication in every marriage. Even when you’re not saying anything, you’re saying something.
It’s not a lack of communication that erodes a marriage. It’s a lack of good communication. (I can almost see your eyes glazing over as your mind begins to drift off to more interesting things, but stick with me for just a minute.)
I want to give you a simple approach to communication that will clear up miscommunication, cut down on conflict, and help keep you out of the doghouse. Interested?
Here it is. To clear up your communication you need UPS.
UPS
I’m not saying UPS can deliver a package that will clear up all your communication problems. (If that were so, I would have already placed my order and have my nose pressed up against the window awaiting delivery.)
In communication, the big key is in receiving what your spouse is trying to deliver to you. So we’re going to use the letters U-P-S to help you with receiving your spouse’s messages.
U – Understand.
Any good communication starts with understanding. Too often we jump in to add our 2 cents before we really understand what our spouse is trying to say. If you’ve done that, you have the scars and horror stories to show for it.
To make sure you truly understand what your spouse is telling you, you need to:
Listen. I’m not talking about listening for where they’re wrong. Neither am I talking about listening for an opening so you can jump in. These don’t work…trust me! I’m talking about really listening to what they’re saying, to how they’re saying it, and to the emotions behind their words. This is hard work. You can’t assume and you can’t check out.
Ask. If there’s something you don’t understand or something that’s unclear to you about what your spouse is saying, then kindly ask your spouse for clarification. It’s important to ask for needed clarification because responding to your spouse before you understand them is a sure way to make things worse.
Feedback. Before you respond to your spouse, repeat back to them what you think they’re trying to say to you. Tell them what you’ve heard them say and how you think they are feeling. If you get something wrong, then give them a chance to correct it. This is a good way to ensure you know exactly what they’re trying to say to you before you respond.
Having done all of this, you would think it would now be your time to talk. But not yet! Be patient young Jedi. Next, you need to…
P – Ponder.
Once your spouse has communicated and you’re sure you know what they’re trying to tell you, you need to take a second to ponder what they’ve said. Not ten minutes…just a second. Take a second to ponder:
Their message. – Think about what they’ve said. Could there be some truth to it? Do they have a valid point? How would you feel in their situation? These and similar questions will not only help you empathize and connect with your spouse, but they will also keep you from becoming defensive and formulating an argument too quickly.
Your response. – Once you’ve pondered the validity and importance of their message, then you’re ready to ponder your response. That’s right. You don’t need to jump in and start talking until you’ve thought about what you’re going to say and how you’re going to say it. Ask yourself, “How will it come across to my spouse?” “Could it be misread?” “Will it help, or make matters worse?” “Is there a better way to say what I want to say?”
I know all this pondering sounds like it will take a lot of time, but really it only takes a second or two to do, and it will save you hours of misunderstandings and arguments.
And now…finally…it’s your chance to speak. This brings us to the final letter to finish out our UPS communication.
S- Speak.
There are two things you must do when you respond to your spouse…
Speak the truth. – Too many times we avoid speaking the truth. Why do we do this? Sometimes, we don’t want to upset our spouse. Other times, we’re trying to avoid conflict. And sometimes, it just seems easier not to say anything. The classic example of this is what happens when a spouse says, “Where do you want to go to eat?” A lack of truth perpetuates mental game-playing and an eventual distance between spouses, so learn to tell each other the truth.
Speak in love. – Yes, we need to be truthful with our spouse, but that does not give us a license to be brutally honest or to use the truth as a scorched-earth policy. If you speak the truth without love, you’re intentionally being hurtful and they won’t be able to hear you. Your spouse may not like what they hear, but if you deliver it with a heart and attitude of love, it will be easier for them to digest. Take some advice from Mary Poppins… “A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.”
When you get to this point in the process, the cycle starts over with your spouse going through the UPS steps. And you continue this until you both reach some sort of resolution.
A FINAL WORD…
Writing all of this out makes it look complicated, but it’s not as complicated as it looks. Trust me. Just remember: you need to UNDERSTAND what your spouse is trying to tell you, then you need to PONDER what they said and what you want to say, and finally, you need to SPEAK truthfully and lovingly.
If you learn to do this, it will be better than having UPS deliver packages to your door!
Have you ever watched someone do something foolish and said to yourself, “I’m never going to do anything like that,” and then wound up doing something very similar later on? If so, you have a picture of what’s going on in 1 Kings chapter 12.
There, Solomon’s son, Rehoboam, chooses to reject wise counsel and instead do what he wants to do. Because of this tragic and rebellious sin, Rehoboam loses over 90% of his kingdom to Jeroboam.
Now you would think that Jeroboam, having watched Rehoboam lose most of his kingdom through selfish rebellion, would have learned to do things differently. But after God gives most of the kingdom to him, and after God has told him that He will do for him what He did for David, Jeroboam turns away from the God who has given him the kingdom and sets up idols and false gods for worship. He’s a repeat offender.
It makes you want to say, “How can you be so foolish?”
But before we start pointing fingers, how many times have we watched someone suffer the consequences of willful disobedience only to turned around and ignored our own need to obey.
It’s part of our post-fall wiring (Romans 3:23) and none of us are exempt. This is why we need a Savior to pay for our sin and give us a new life that can combat the old life.
Rehoboam. Jeroboam. They all sound alike. They all act alike, and they are all prone to wander off the path of God…just as we are. The question is not, “Will you ever do something like that?” The question is, “When you do, will you turn back to the God of your blessings or continue toward your downfall.
Have you ever wished you could go back and change something in your history? Most of us feel that way, but we know we can’t change the past. You can’t change our history.
But what if I told you there IS a way to change your FUTURE HISTORY.It may sound like something from a sci-fi movie, but it’s possible! You don’t have to be a time traveler to change your future history. You just have to make the most of what’s in front of you now!
No one wants them. We try to avoid them. But if you’re married, you can’t avoid them. So we skirt them and try to spend as little time as possible with them.
I am not talking about in-laws. I’m talking about hard conversations.
If you’re married, there are going to be some hard conversations. You can’t avoid them. In fact, the more you try to avoid them, the worse they become.
WHAT MAKES CONVERSATIONS HARD AND WHAT YOU CAN DO
Hard conversations are just that…they’re hard. And there are some good reasons for that. Here are a few things that can make conversations hard…
Topics.
There are some topics in marriage that are just hard to talk about. Some of the the more common hard topics are:
Money.
Children.
Sex.
In-laws.
Personal Habits.
These types of topics make for hard conversations because they feel personal and they highlight our differences and disagreements.
If a topic is uncomfortable for you, admit that to your spouse, upfront. Let them know why it’s uncomfortable for you, and ask them to be patient with you as you have the conversation.
Temperaments.
Our temperaments also make certain conversations hard. We tend to avoid hard conversations if we are:
Fearful.
Anxious.
Angry.
Insecure.
Depressed.
Have low self-esteem.
Feel insignificant.
These are traits that cause people to avoid, withdraw, or conceed; as well as to aggressively and angrily overpower the other person so as to silence the conversation.
If this is you, and a hard conversation is on the horizon, you need to:
Take a moment to calm yourself. Get comfortable and breathe deeply and slowly until you’re more relaxed.
Remind yourself you’re not adversaries. You’re just normal people who have different views and needs.
Think of all the difficult things you’ve successfully worked through in the past. Tell yourself that this will eventually be another one of those things.
Start the conversation by telling your spouse that you love them. Tell them you are committed to trying to meet their needs and having a marriage you both will enjoy.
Agree to take a break if needed. If the conversation gets bogged down or negative, agree to take a break from it and return to it at a set time.
These steps will help you take control of your temperament.
Timing.
Many conversations are made more difficult because of poor timing.
Sometimes we choose a poor time to have the conversation. Here are some examples of poor times to start a hard conversation:
At bedtime, or late at night.
When your spouse is busy or focused on something else.
If your spouse is already upset or angry.
When your spouse is exhausted.
You may feel these are the only times you have, but you would be able to find a good time to talk to your kids about something important, and you can do the same for your spouse.
Another problem with timing is that we procrastinate and wait too long to have the conversation.
We put off the conversation. We convince ourselves it’s too small of a thing to deal with. Or we hope it will get better on its own. But when we wait too long to have a hard conversation, two things happen:
First, the problem builds up within us over time and we are too emotional when we finally bring up the subject.
Second, so much time has passed between the incident that called for the conversation and the actual conversation that the other spouse feels blind-sided and wonders where it’s coming from.
Pick a time when things are relatively calm and good. Tell your spouse you would like to talk to them about something, and ask for a good time to do that. This might put them on high alert, but assure them it’s ok. Ask if you could go out for dinner or dessert to talk. If their curiosity can’t take the suspense, give them a very general idea of what you want to talk about, but don’t get into it right then and there.
Your spouse may try to keep putting you off, but stay lovingly persistent.
Talking.
Here, I’m referring to talking too much or too little.
If you’re someone who handles hard conversations by talking a lot, then you need to talk less and listen more. This will communicate to your spouse that you care about what they think and feel.
If you’re someone who handles hard conversations by withdrawing and not saying anything, you need to open up more, so that your spouse knows what you’re thinking and feeling. When you open up, it keeps your spouse from feeling shut out.
Twisting.
Finally, conversations become hard when we twist what our spouse is trying to say. We do this when we get so defensive and caught up in our own emotions we don’t hear what our spouse is truly saying to us.
To keep from twisting what your spouse is saying, try the following…
Listen without interrupting.
If your spouse is going on and on, and you’re losing track of what they’re saying, then hold up your hand and tell them you really want to follow what they’re saying, but you’re starting to lose track.
Then, tell them what you think they’re trying to say to you at that point.
If your spouse agrees that you’ve heard them correctly, then take a moment to respond to that…and only that. Keep it short and don’t start adding other things to it. Stay on topic.
If the two of you will keep repeating this process, it will help to keep the two of you from twisting each other’s words. It will also make hard conversations less difficult and more productive.
A FINAL WORD
To sum it all up, you can’t avoid having hard conversations in marriage, but you can make those hard conversations a “TAD” easier by remembering the acronym T-A-D. Be careful with your Timing, your Attitude, and your Delivery.
So don’t be afraid of hard conversations, and don’t avoid them. You can do this. And when you do, you and your spouse will grow closer for it.
It’s not unusual to find news stories of well-known and successful investors being arrested for illegally cheating their clients out of millions of dollars. Thousands of people have lost their retirement and life savings due to illegal investment schemes by unscrupulous investors.
These investors were successful without their illegal schemes. Even in a down-turned economy, they fared better than most. Yet their desire for even more led to their downfall.
This was the case with Solomon in 1 Kings chapter 11. Solomon had wealth, wisdom, power, and luxury. He was famous and respected throughout the known world. But he wanted even more.
Solomon had a weakness for women. And though he could have had all the Israelite women he wanted for his wives, Solomon wanted foreign women. He wanted women who believed in, and followed after, other gods. God had specifically and clearly told Solomon that such women were “out of bounds.” But Solomon, though he had everything, wanted more and willfully disobeyed God’s instructions. (1 Kings 11:2, 9-10)
This started Solomon and the whole nation of Israel on a downward slide.
It’s so easy for our lives to be like Solomon’s. God has given us so much, yet we still want more. We clearly understand how God wants us to live, yet we willfully do what we want to…often with similar results to Solomon’s.
We consider an act of disobedience such a small thing, then we suffer big consequences. And we find ourselves saying, “I don’t know what happened. Things were going so well!”
God has given us Solomon’s story to warn and teach us. The God who blesses us so richly calls us to follow Him completely. (1 Kings 11:6) There’s no such thing as a little disobedience!
