I would like to tell you that you and I can completely rid ourselves of discouragement, but I can’t. Discouragement is a part of life that we can’t completely avoid.
But I can tell you how to increase your tolerance level for discouragement. It involves making three small changes:
Change Your Focus.
Change Your Comparisons.
Change Your Frame.
If you’re a person of faith, you can see these three changes in the story of David and Goliath.
Are you discouraged today? Is there something that seems too big for you? Try applying these 3 changes and see if it doesn’t raise your tolerance level for discouragement.
We have seen a lot of loss in recent days due to a worldwide pandemic, but we have been suffering from a virus that is much more devastating than COVID-19. Since the birth of Playboy magazine in 1953 and the sexual revolution of the 1960s, the entertainment industry has constantly pushed the envelope when it comes to sex. For years, sexual content became bolder and more mainstream. Then in 1993, the World Wide Web became public. And this newfound digital access comes with a virus that has permeated our homes and churches and has put influenza to shame.
Defining the Problem.
According to the Oxford Dictionary, pornography is defined as:
“Printed or visual material containing the explicit description or display of sexual organs or activity, intended to stimulate erotic rather than aesthetic or emotional feelings.”
But chances are I don’t need to define it. We all know what it is and probably have all seen or watched some version of it.
Over 40 million Americans are regular visitors to porn sites.
68% of church-going men and over 50% of pastors view porn on a regular basis.
And the average age a child is first exposed to porn is 11 years old.
Porn is truly a pandemic worse than COVID. It is destroying our homes and families right under our noses. Why? It kills the desire for true intimacy and leads to sexual addiction.
You may be reading this and thinking that porn is not a problem. You may believe that porn is a normal part of life and something everyone does. But the truth is that once you begin to use pornography for sexual gratification, you start training your brain to attach to the fantasy world through pornography and masturbation.
Sex addiction can cause some serious challenges in relational sex, because you have neurologically attached your brain to a fantasy image or act. So when you have sex in real life, you have to close your eyes and/or disconnect from reality. Fantasy simply becomes more enticing, because it requires no work or relational intimacy. It is a false intimacy that sinks it claws deep into you, and you cannot pull away.
Do I Have a Problem?
Now you may be asking yourself, “Do I have a pornography problem?” Or “Am I a sex addict?”
First, let’s help define what a sex addiction looks like. Sexual addiction is a compulsive behavior that completely dominates your life. It causes you to make sex a bigger priority than family, friends, and work. Everything revolves around sex, and you are willing to sacrifice what you cherish most to preserve and continue your unhealthy behavior.
There are also patterns of out-of-control sexual behavior, such as: compulsive masturbation, indulgence in pornography, chronic affairs, dangerous sexual practices, prostitution, anonymous sex, and compulsive sexual episodes.
For sex addicts, sex is the same as food or drugs in other addictions. It provides the “high” that addicts depend on for feeling normal. Temporary pleasure and unhealthy relationships become more important than forming healthy, intimate relationships. A sexual addict may begin to isolate themselves either emotionally or literally. There is a repetitive struggle to control behavior, which is followed by a deep sense of despair for continuously failing to do so. Self-esteem gradually decreases, increasing the need to escape into the addictive behavior all the more. It’s a vicious cycle.
Here are some questions to ask yourself if you are wondering whether you might be an addict:
Do I have secret sexual behaviors with myself, pornography or others?
Am I unable to be honest about my sexual behavior?
Have I caused pain in my relationships due to my sexual behavior?
Have I had consequences financially, relationally or socially due to my sexual behavior?
Do I continue my sexual behavior regardless of consequences or attempts to stop the behavior?
Do I have difficulty not lusting or objectifying people?
If you have answered yes to one or more of these questions, you really need to seek help. It’s hard to admit weakness and ask for help, but it is absolutely crucial. One of the biggest lies that lust tells us is, “You can handle this by yourself.” Once you believe that, all hope of getting better is gone.
Addressing the Problem.
For the Christians reading this post, you may be telling yourself, “I will just pray harder or increase my faith.” I am here to tell you that this is not enough. I know that may sound blasphemous, but I am not the one who said that—God did. The Bible tells us in I John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” This promise is absolutely true, but it only offers forgiveness. There is a vast difference between forgiveness and healing. The key to healing is not found here. It is found in James 5:16, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed….”
Forgiveness is immediate and comes from God, but healing takes place over time and is gradual. Forgiveness comes when we confess our sins to God, but healing comes when we confess our sins to one another. You CANNOT heal from a sex addiction on your own or even just you and God. Others must be involved. Start by finding one person you can trust and confide in, and ask them to help you by being accountable to them.
If you find yourself bound to pornography and sex addiction, there is hope. Find someone you can be accountable to or find a recovery group that encourages behavior change. The road ahead is long and the work is hard, but the result is absolute freedom to live the addiction-free life God has called you to live.
“It doesn’t get any better than this!” These are the words of someone who feels they’ve reached a high point and can begin to enjoy the fruit of their labor.
He’s completed the most magnificent temple and palace in all of history.
He has the blessing of God upon his life and his reign.
He’s built projects to his heart’s content.
He has acquired chariots, horses; fleets of ships; and tons of gold, silver, and jewels.
He is the wisest man on the planet, and people all over the known world come to experience his wisdom and wealth.
“It doesn’t get any better than this!”
But, as you read of all this in 1 Kings chapters 9-10, you begin to get uneasy. Much like a piece of music that keeps building and climbing to greater and greater heights, you begin to wonder… “when and how will it all come down?”
The answer to that question is alluded to in 1 Kings 9:6. It’s as if the writer of 1 Kings is dropping a clue as to what will eventually happen in chapter 11 and following.
The sad thing is, it didn’t have to end. We’re told in 1 Kings 9:4 that all Solomon had to do was to continue to follow God with integrity and godliness, keeping His laws and commands. It’s such a small thing to ask, in light of all the benefits Solomon was experiencing.
In light of all that God has done for us…and all He promises to do for us…following His commands is such a small thing to ask. Why would we not do this and forfeit all we’ve received?
There are many different support groups out there, and many people attending them. But are they helpful? I believe they are. In this episode of Quick Counsel, we’re going to answer these three questions:
Our moods can feel like some ethereal, ghost-like entity that just settles upon us. Like something intangible that we can’t quite get a hold of. But once you understand how a mood is made, you will begin to understand how you can manage a mood. In this episode of Quick Counsel, we’re going to help you do this, by explaining what goes into making your mood and 3 things you can do to help manage your mood.
No matter how many times I see Jame Cameron’s movie “Titanic,” I am always uneasy each time I watch that ship slowly submerge, violently break apart, and then disappear to the dark depths. The fear, the panic, the finality…with each viewing, it’s unnerving.
Not long ago, I counseled 6 people who were either divorcing or headed towards divorce. And this was over the course of just two days! It was like watching the Titanic sink over and over again as I watched these marriages slowly submerge, violently break apart, and begin to disappear into the dark depths.
I’m not trying to be melodramatic here, but each time a marriage ends in divorce it’s a tragedy of Titanic proportion. And the similarities are unsettling.
INITIAL ARROGANCE.
The Titanic was believed to be different than any other ship because it was reported to be unsinkable.
In every premarital counseling session I’ve ever done, as well as every wedding ceremony I’ve ever officiated, the couple before me believes they are different from other couples. They are convinced in their heart of hearts that their relationship is different and impervious to sinking.
But every marriage will encounter “icebergs” that will threaten even the thickest of marital hulls. And assuming that your marriage is exempt puts you even more at risk.
NOT TAKING PROPER PRECAUTIONS.
The company that designed and owned the Titanic was so sure of its superiority that they failed to take proper precautions. For example, they cut back on the number of lifeboats needed, and when they were in dangerous waters, they were over-confident, increasing their speed and dropping their guard.
Too many married couples are too sure of themselves. They are over-confident in that they fail to bring enough people into their lives who could serve as lifeboats in times of need. And they are so busy that they fail to slow down when they’re in difficult and dangerous waters. They just assume they can power through.
A LAST MINUTE PANIC AND SCRAMBLE.
When the Titanic hit the iceberg, they were unprepared and ill-equipped. They fell into an every-man-for-himself panic. They even ignored innocent lives by not filling the lifeboats to the capacity to save as many as they could.
The icebergs that threaten a marriage are many: financial icebergs, infidelity icebergs, relational icebergs, parenting icebergs, as well as others. Too many couples are unprepared and ill-equipped for the icebergs. So when they strike one, they fall into panicking, scrambling, blaming, and an every-man/woman-for-themselves mentality.
THE RESULTS.
There are two images from Cameron’s “Titanic” that haunt me. The first is when the camera seamlessly morphs from Titanic’s polished decks gleaming in the sunlight to its ghostly, rusted wreckage strewn across the bottom of the dark ocean floor. And the second image that haunts me is the image of all the victims strewn across the surface of the Atlantic.
The results of divorce are similar. What once was a polished and shiny new marriage morphs into unsalvageable wreckage. And those who were once joyful passengers on this marriage voyage became victims of the tragedy.
Let me say this…I’m not trying to depress anyone, nor am I trying to heap guilt upon anyone who has been through a divorce. If this post has done either of those things, I sincerely apologize. Maybe it’s me processing a tough week of sinking marriages and sad wreckage.
But almost always, divorce – like the sinking of the Titanic – is a preventable tragedy. Yes, there are a percentage of marriages where abuses, abandonment, and adultery may doom a marriage to divorce…even if one spouse doesn’t want it. But those percentages are small in comparison to the overall divorce rate.
SO, WHAT CAN WE DO?
Just as shipbuilders and captains learned from the sinking of the Titanic, we need to learn from the marriages that are sinking around us.
Don’t be arrogant or over-confident. No matter how strongly you love one another…no matter how long you’ve been married…divorce can happen to you. There are many “icebergs” out there that can and will threaten your marriage. Assuming that your marriage will be exempt puts you even more at risk. Be in love, but be realistic.
Take proper precautions. When you know there are “icebergs” out there that will threaten your marriage, then take precautions ahead of time.
Establish regular date nights for just you and your spouse, and fiercely protect them.
Create a financial plan that will secure your present and your future.
Give as much attention to romance and sex as you do to paying bills and raising kids.
Fix any problems you may have in communication and conflict resolution.
Make sure your expectations are realistic.
Don’t panic and scramble. If your marriage hits an “iceberg,” don’t panic and scramble. As a couple, turn to the lifeboats that are available to you: parents, friends, counselors, pastors, your church, etc. And don’t forget the other potential casualties around you. As a couple, gather up and protect the kids, family, and friends involved and keep them as safe as possible.
TO SUM IT UP…
I don’t mean to be all gloom and doom. Nor am I trying to scare you. But I want your marriage to safely navigate the sometimes difficult waters of life so that the two of you arrive at your destination together and intact.
So let me sum things up this way: Love each other like it was your last day together, and then your days together will last.
There are times in life when things are just good. When this happens, it’s easy to kick back, relax, and take it easy.
But chances are, we got to those good times by doing the opposite of kicking back and taking things easy. You see, good times tempt us to relax our grip on the good times we enjoy.
This is what we see in the remainder of the book of 1 Kings. In chapter 8, God’s people are at their highest point. They’re a superpower; mighty in number, resources, and influence. They are experiencing a time of unheard of peace and prosperity, and they are continuing to do the things that got them to that place:
Acknowledging they are the benefactors of God’s mercy, grace, and power.
Realizing the importance of God’s presence and putting Him in the center of their lives.
Proclaiming God’s holiness and confessing their sinfulness.
Petitioning God’s mercy and forgiveness for their sin.
Asking God to reveal Himself to others through them.
Sacrificing what they have to honor God.
These are the actions and attitudes that fostered their peace and prosperity.
But as we’ll see throughout the rest of the book, when we feel we’ve “arrived,” we have a tendency to relax the very actions and attitudes that fostered our peace and prosperity in the first place. It happened with the nation of Israel, I believe it’s happening with the United States of America, and it can happen to us as individuals.
Are you diligent in the things that promote God’s presence and blessing in your life, or have you relaxed your grip on such things?
When it comes to marital fights, I know two things…
FIRST – EVERY COUPLE FIGHTS.
Some spouses fight like a hurricane, while some spouses fight like a gentle spring storm. Some are heated and loud, while others are icy and quiet. Some spouses are measured and careful with their words, while others are vicious and wounding with their words. But all couples fight.
For instance, my wife and I are not typical “fighters.” We don’t raise our voices and we don’t draw battle lines on which we’re willing to die. This doesn’t mean we don’t fight. It’s just that when things start to ramp up, she tends to withdraw and tend to be a peacemaker. We still fight, but it’s just low and muffled.
SECOND – NO SPOUSE WANTS TO LOSE.
Here’s the problem with fighting…if you’re not careful, winning the argument will become more important than the problem you’re fighting over in the first place. And a stubborn determination to win the fight sets up your spouse to be the loser. And no spouse wants to lose – even if they’re wrong.
When this happens, you may win the argument, but you will lose the fight because you’ve created a rift between the two of you that’s even harder to repair than the thing you were originally arguing about.
HOW TO LOSE A FIGHT.
A sure way to lose a fight (and the relationship) is to focus more on winning the argument than winning your spouse. Here are some ways in which you might inadvertently lose a fight…
Raising Your Voice.
When you raise your voice, you immediately raise the stakes of the argument. Raising your voice raises the tension and the hurt, making it harder for your spouse to respond favorably. Raise your voice when your cheering on your favorite team, but not when you’re fighting.
Name-Calling.
I don’t care how upset you are, there is never a good reason or excuse for you to engage in name-calling! You don’t allow your children to call other people names, and you shouldn’t do it either; especially to the one you promised to love and honor. If you’re calling your spouse names, you’ve crossed a line and you’re losing the fight…and your spouse.
Condescension.
You’re being condescending when you exhibit an attitude of superiority over your spouse. Condescension is when you infer that they just don’t know what they’re talking about and that you know better. It’s a form of pride that puts your spouse down for the sake of elevating yourself. It inflicts a wound that’s hard to heal.
Sarcasm.
Sarcasm is often passed off as humor, but usually, it’s a veil for hurt and anger. Sarcasm can be corrosive to a marriage because it’s a passive-aggressive way of showing contempt for your spouse. Dr. John Gottman, one of the country’s leading marriage experts, says that the presence of contempt in a marriage is a major sign that the marriage is in trouble. (See The Four Horsemen: Contempt.)
Backing Them in a Corner.
This happens when refuse to make room for your spouse’s ideas or opinions. When you give your spouse no other option but to agree with you or be wrong, you back them into a corner, leave them no choice but to withdraw or to come out fighting.
Stonewalling.
Stonewalling is when a spouse shuts down and refuses to address the issue. They may change the subject, clam up, or even get up and walk out. Another form of stonewalling is constantly responding to questions with “I don’t know.” Stonewalling is a form of avoidance and it leaves the other spouse frustrated and with no way to find any resolution. It leaves them with a wound they can’t heal.
Not Listening.
Not listening to your spouse communicates that they and their ideas are unimportant and not worth listening to. It’s demeaning and not a good way to win them or the argument. Think about how it feels when someone won’t listen to you. Not listening to your spouse is a blatant act of disrespect, and a sure way to lose a fight.
The reason these behaviors are defeating is that they cause your spouse to become defensive. And when your spouse gets defensive, they will engage in similar defeating behaviors. In short…everyone loses!
HOW TO WIN A FIGHT.
So, let’s look at the best way to win a fight with your spouse. As you might suspect, you win a fight with your spouse by doing the opposite of the above list. Here’s how you truly win a fight with your spouse…
Stay calm and keep your voice at conversational levels. (Proverbs 15:1)
Never call your spouse derogatory names! (Ephesians 4:29)
Shelve the condescension and sarcasm and show your spouse respect. (Ephesians 4:29)
Stay lovingly engaged rather than withdrawing or running. (3 John 1:8)
Listen to them more than you talk at them. (James1:19)
Offer solutions that make room for your spouse’s wants and needs. (Phil. 2:3-4)
FINAL THOUGHT.
So the next time you’re with your spouse and you feel a fight coming on, don’t do the things that will cause you to lose the fight, and eventually the relationship. Determine you’re going to win the fight…THE RIGHT WAY.
I grew up in the country, in Southern Illinois. For some reason, I never expected to leave that area.
So years ago, when I traveled to Paris, France, and stood in front of the Palace of Versailles, I was blown away. I had the same feeling a few years prior when I stood in front of Buckingham Palace in London. (Another place I never thought I would see.)
I stood in front of these structures awe-struck and amazed. I had never seen anything like them before. It was “other-worldly.”
Modern-day readers tend to skim or skip over all the measurements and details mentioned in 1 Kings chapters 5-7. But, readers of that day would have read in awe and wonder. Those readers were country people, and the wonders of such structures would have boggled their imaginations.
Perhaps 1 Kings chapters 5-7 is meant to remind us that believers in Christ await a temple and a city of God that is beyond our imagination. (Revelation 21) The Holy of Holies in Solomon’s temple (the place of God’s presence) was measured to be a perfect cube. (1 Kings 6:20) Likewise, the holy city that is to come will be a place of God’s presence. (Revelation 21:3) And it too will be measured as a perfect cube. (Revelation 21:16) But its dimensions will dwarf our imagination.
In the midst of all that is mundane in your life here on earth, never forget that there are places, structures, and sights beyond your imagination. And they await those, who like Solomon, are faithful in Christ. (1 Kings 6:12-13)
In this episode of Quick Counsel, we talk with Erik Almodovar. Erik is a pastoral counselor at Warren Grovetown Church in Grovetown, GA. As a pastoral counselor, Erik deals with a variety of issues, but he is particularly adept and experienced in working with men who struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. Listen as Erik explains the nature and prevalence of sexual addiction, the damage it does, and how a person can find freedom from this addiction. This episode will give hope to those struggling with pornography and sexual addiction.
