abuse

Are You the CEO of Your Marriage?

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How would you respond to the following question… “Are you the CEO in your marriage?” Maybe you would say, “Well, no! of course not!” Maybe you say your spouse acts like the CEO. Or, maybe you would say, “What do you mean by that?”

DO MARRIAGES HAVE CEO’S?

Every company has a CEO, or Chief Executive Officer. This person is the highest-ranking person in the company and the one ultimately responsible for making managerial decisions.

By this definition, you might say, “Marriages don’t have CEO’s. They’re not a business or a corporation.” And you would be right.

But many marriages still have a CEO. I call them the Chief Ego Officer, and they function much in the same way as the CEO of a company. They carry a lot of weight in the relationship, especially when it comes to direction and decision-making.

DECIDING WHO’S THE CEO.

How can you tell if you’re the CEO in the marriage? Ask yourself the following questions…and try to be honest with yourself:

  • Do you tend to make most of the decisions?
  • Do you get upset when your spouse makes a decision without checking with you first?
  • Do you often explain to your spouse why your way is better?
  • Do you have trouble listening to and considering your spouse’s opinions and approaches?
  • Do you get frustrated or angry when your spouse doesn’t take your advice or do things as you want?
  • Do you look down on your spouse for thinking or believing as they do?
  • Do you see your spouse’s differences of opinion as a threat to you or the marriage?

You may believe this list better fits your spouse than it does you, but the more you answer “yes” to these questions, the more likely you are to be the Chief Ego Officer of the relationship. You may have become the CEO in response to their behavior, but it still will affect your marriage.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF A CEO ON A MARRIAGE?

Though a company benefits from a strong CEO, a marriage suffers from a strong CEO. When a marriage has a strong Chief Ego Officer, two things typically happen:

The marriage becomes oppressive.

Whether it’s implied or stated out-right, the CEO of the marriage has a my-way-or-the-highway approach to the relationship. The other spouse’s thoughts, opinions, or approaches are ignored, dismissed, and not considered. The CEO increasingly stifles their spouse, not allowing them to be themselves.

This is a poison that will slowly kill the love, affection, and attraction in the relationship. And, the longer this continues, the harder it becomes to recover the relationship.

Then, the second effect a Chief Ego Officer has on marriage is…

The marriage becomes abusive.

Many CEO marriages stay stuck in the oppressive stage. But there are some marriages that progress to the abusive stage.

When the Chief Ego Officer experiences disagreement or push back from their spouse, they will begin to push back themselves. At first, the CEO will try to convince or cajole their spouse into seeing things their way. If that doesn’t work, the CEO’s approach will become more pointed and frustrated. If that doesn’t work, their anger will come out and they will become emotionally abusive, and possibly physically abusive.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE IN A CEO RELATIONSHIP.

If you find yourself in a CEO marriage, what should you do? Well…

If You’re the CEO…

  • Humble yourself. Apologize to your spouse for being so dominant and inconsiderate. This is hard, especially for a CEO, but you need to start here. And your apology must be sincere, not just a way to get the heat off or to get your spouse to soften back up to you. If you’re not really repentant for your behavior, you’ve not changed and the relationship can’t change.
  • Invite and listen to your spouse’s opinions. This is not just something to check off the list so you can then get on to how you want to do things. Take your time and honestly listen to them. To paraphrase Stephen Covey, seek first to understand them before trying to get them to understand you. Hear their thoughts, their heart, and their desires.
  • Look for reasons to defer to your spouse. This is hard for a Chief Ego Officer because they usually believe their spouse should defer to them. But try hard to defer to your spouse whenever possible. You may feel your way is better, but don’t push your way through. Share it with your spouse and make sure you both agree your way is better before implementing it.
  • Make the above a way of life. If you just do these things to get back on your spouse’s good side, then you’ve not really changed. You’re just manipulating the situation to get back in their good graces. These changes need to be a way of life for you…even if the marriage fails.

If Your Spouse is the CEO…

If your spouse is the CEO, you have three options:

  • Continue on as it is. Some people decide they will just go on tolerating the CEO’s behavior. Perhaps they don’t want to rock the boat out of fear of the CEO’s response. Maybe they’re concerned for others in the family. Or maybe their own insecurities make them wonder if there’s something wrong with them. Continuing on as-is is a valid option, but know that such a marriage rarely improves over time.
  • Begin to push back against the CEO’s behavior. This could go from standing up for yourself and your opinions, to not being easily coerced, to insisting on counseling, to threatening to leave the relationship. Chances are, the CEO will not react favorably to such changes, and they will do whatever they can to get things back to “normal.” If they feel they’ve got no other option, the CEO will seem to concede, but it usually doesn’t last.
  • Leave the relationship. If all else fails, you may decide you can no longer tolerate the relationship and make plans to leave. Departure is a last resort option and can either be temporary, until the CEO truly changes, or permanent. The CEO may have a variety of responses to your decision to leave. They may act shocked and say they didn’t know anything was wrong. They may try to convince you that things are not that bad. They may get angry and blame you for all the problems. And if all else fails, they may concede and offer to make changes. But, oftentimes their changes are only an attempt to get you back in the fold.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

Can CEO marriages really change? Yes! But…the ego of the Chief Ego Officer will not change quickly or easily. It will take work and practice to learn to exchange ego for humility. But it can be done. So, if you’re the Chief Ego Officer in the marriage, honestly and humbly enlist the aid of close friends, accountability partners, pastors, or counselors. Do whatever it takes to resign as CEO of your marriage. And if your spouse is the CEO, do everything in your power to share the problem and encourage them to change. Either way, you (and they) will be the better for it.

The List – Don’t Deal With Your Past Trauma

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Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The List refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records.

According to an article posted on unicef.org/ukraine in 2020, land mines were the leading cause of conflict-related child casualties in Ukraine in 2017. At that time, they accounted for about two-thirds of all recorded deaths and injuries to children. Think of that! two-thirds of children were killed or injured by something that was hidden and they couldn’t see.

I mention this because unprocessed trauma is much like a hidden land mine. If you don’t deal with past trauma in your life, it has a way of blowing up your life at a later time…usually when you least expect it. Your reactions to past trauma will not only hurt you but also those around you. And if that past trauma is left unaddressed, it can be one of the items on the list of things that can cause you to lose your marriage.

WHAT IS TRAUMA?

According to the American Psychological Association…

“Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.”

Some of the events that can produce trauma are…

  • Assault.
  • Physical abuse.
  • Emotional abuse.
  • Sexual abuse or assault.
  • A terrible accident.
  • A natural disaster.
  • Physical or emotional abandonment.
  • Even the sudden and/or adversarial divorce of their parents.

When this happens, the victim often unconsciously tries to put the trauma behind them as quickly as possible. They may…

  • Act like it didn’t happen.
  • Act like it was not a big deal.
  • Try hard to forget it or not think about it.
  • Stay busy with other things, so as to not think about the trauma.

Such tactics may appear effective; especially for children. But these tactics don’t make the trauma reactions go away. They only serve to push the reactions to the trauma underground. But, like a rock in your shoe, the trauma continues to cause mental, emotional, and relational problems that increasingly interfere with life and marriage.

HOW PAST TRAUMA CAN HURT A MARRIAGE.

Trauma attacks the very core of a person and thus tends to destabilize them and their relationships. Depending on the specific type of trauma experienced, trauma can…

  • Make it hard for a victim to trust others.
  • Leave a victim feeling unsafe…even when they are safe.
  • Bring up memories (mental and tactile) of the past trauma.
  • Leave the victim with residual and disruptive anger or fear.
  • Make it difficult for a victim to open up, trust, or be vulnerable.
  • Create a strong need in the victim to control situations, possibilities, and even people.
  • Leave a victim in an ongoing state of hyper-vigilance.
  • Create low self-esteem at best, and self-loathing at worst.
  • Leave a victim with ongoing issues of depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Cause a victim to view sex in marriage as unwanted, unwelcome, and even threatening.
  • Make it difficult for a victim to recognize, identify, or even express their emotions.
  • Cause a victim to emotionally check out when things feel hard or threatening.
  • Make a victim over-protective of their children, themselves, and other loved ones.
  • Lead a victim to take things personally and/or offensively.
  • Make it hard for a victim to know what’s appropriate and what isn’t…especially when it comes to setting boundaries.

You can see how these things could work against a strong marriage and cause it to deteriorate. And even if they don’t cause you to lose your marriage completely, they will cause you to continue to struggle in marriage and lose the strong and healthy marriage you desire.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU HAVE TRAUMA IN YOUR PAST?

Trauma’s effect on a person is complex and deeply rooted. It affects a person’s sense of self, their view of the world, their tolerance for closeness and intimacy, their sense of safety, and even their views of God.

As such, the victim can rarely heal the effects of trauma on their own. They will need the combined help of a trained counselor, a loving spouse or friend, and even a non-judgmental pastor. The residual effects of depression and/or anxiety may even warrant the need for appropriate medical help. It takes a concerted effort on multiple fronts to help a trauma victim heal and rise above the effects of their trauma.

But healing is possible and even probable with such work. As someone who has worked with survivors of sexual abuse for thirty years, I can attest to the fact that you can learn to not just survive your trauma. You can learn to thrive in spite of it.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

The effects of trauma can be detrimental and even devastating to a marriage, and it will require time and effort to overcome. But if you have past trauma in your life, you owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to grow past and beyond the trauma. Because the effects of past trauma could cause you to lose your marriage. Remember…it’s on the list!

A Love-Hate Relationship With Forgiveness

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Most people, whether they are religious or not, would agree that holding a grudge and hanging on to bitterness is not helpful.

In an article entitled Forgiveness: Letting Go of Grudges and Bitterness the Mayo Clinic gives the following negative effects of holding a grudge:

  • It can bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience.
  • You can become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present.
  • You can become depressed and anxious.
  • You can feel your life lacks meaning or purpose.
  • You can become at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
  • You can lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.

Referring to a study on holding grudges from the journal Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, David P. Feldman, Ph.D. states

“…those who said they tended to hold grudges reported higher rates of heart disease and cardiac arrest, elevated blood pressure, stomach ulcers, arthritis, back problems, headaches, and chronic pain than those who didn’t share this tendency. “

So, though holding onto a grudge and refusing to forgive may in some way feel good to us, the truth is it is not good for us. But forgiveness is beneficial to us mentally, emotionally, and physically.

For Christians, forgiveness is also beneficial spiritually. As a Christian, I have been given forgiveness I didn’t deserve and didn’t earn. Out of that undeserved gift, I am to learn to do the same…forgive others who are undeserving. Colossians 3:13

In the model prayer known as The Lord’s Prayer, we are taught to pray, “forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.” Matthew 6:12

The Christian has been forgiven, but continues to experience forgiveness as they offer forgiveness.

Forgiving, especially in light of severe trauma, is not easy…even for Christians. Certainly the severity of the offense makes forgiveness difficult. How could such a horrible crime be forgiven?

But there are also certain misconceptions about forgiveness that can impede our ability to forgive. Understanding what forgiveness is and isn’t is an important step toward being able to forgive.

Let’s start with what forgiveness is not.

  • Forgiveness is not condoning the offense. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened to you was ok. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that what happened to you was a small thing. The very fact that forgiveness is needed says that there was a serious offense that cannot be atoned for in any other way.
  • Forgiveness is not excusing the offender. Nothing excuses what your abuser(s) did to you. It was wrong, it will always be wrong, and it can’t be undone. That’s why your only two options are bitterness or forgiveness. Forgiveness is not fair, but it is freeing.
  • Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness releases the expectation and/or the need for the abuser(s) to make some kind of restitution for what they have done. Forgiveness does not require you to restore a relationship with the abuser(s). Reconciliation will depend on the repentance of the abuser(s) and the willingness of the abused, but forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation. Forgiveness is solely in the hands of the abused.
  • Forgiveness is not dependent on forgetting. Often we are told we need to “forgive and forget.” Or we are told that continuing to remember an offense is a sign that we have not forgiven the offender. Neither of these are true. Forgetting our hurts would keep us from learning and open the door for further traumatization. Throughout Scripture, God constantly remembers and rehearses the offenses of His people. Forgiveness does not override memory. Forgiveness overrules memory.
  • Forgiveness is not a quick, one-time decision. Forgiveness starts with a decision, but from there forgiveness is a process of living out that decision. When the offense is small, the decision and process of forgiveness is relatively short and easy. But when the offense large, as in sexual abuse, reaching the decision to forgive and carrying out that decision can take much more time and effort. Look at the amount of time between when God proposed forgiveness in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3) and when He actually carried it out with the crucifixion and resurrection of Christ. As Christians, we are called to forgive completely…not necessarily quickly.

So what is forgiveness?

Forgiveness is choosing to give up your right and your need to expect or demand restitution for the wrong that was done to you. Forgiveness is releasing your need to collect on the debt they owe you and in so doing setting yourself free. Forgiveness is a learned and practiced skill. It is totally within your power and ultimately for you more than anyone else.

But having said all this, let me say that no one can pressure you into forgiving your abuser. Forgiveness must be given freely as a voluntary decision and an on-going act of the will.

In his article on holding grudges (quoted above), Dr. Feldman also says

“We’re not implying that victims of crimes, traumas, and atrocities have an obligation to forgive their victimizers. Most experts on the topic of forgiveness agree that nobody should (or even can) be forced to forgive. To do so would be to further victimize the victim. But, to the degree that we naturally feel ready to let go of grudges, it may ultimately be beneficial for us to do so. This isn’t something we do for those who wronged us; it’s something we do for ourselves when and if we’re ready.”

I agree with Dr. Feldman. Forgiveness is not to be forced out of a sense of a sense of duty to the offender, but rather offered as an act of freedom for the abused. Forgiveness allows the victim to move forward without continuing to drag the abuser around with them.

Well-Meaning Christians with Simplistic Theology

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A Christian friend is no different than any other friend. It breaks their heart to see you suffering, and they want to do or say something to help and encourage you.

But Christian friends have an added concern. They not only worry about you personally, they worry about you spiritually. They worry that what you have been through could cause you to eventually abandon your faith.

So out of concern for both your well being and your faith, (and possibly their own fragile grasp on God,) they can be much too quick to give you Bible verses and answers. In an attempt to encourage you and remind you of God’s ability to make everything right, they may say things like:

• “God works all things together for good.”
• “In the end, the innocent will get justice and the guilty will get punished.”
• “Everything happens for a reason.”
• “Look how many people you will be able to help because you went through this.”
• “Thank God it wasn’t worse.”

These things may be true, but they’re not always helpful…especially if they are offered too soon and too easily.

These responses are attempts to help you answer the basic, nagging question…”Why?!”

It’s important to understand that when it comes to abuse (or any trauma,) victims ask two types of “why” questions. The first type comes early in the recovery process. It may sound like the victim is looking for answers, but they are really just venting their hurt and anger. These are “why” questions that come not from the head, but from the heart.

The second type of “why” questions come later, after emotions have been vented and processed. These latter “why” questions are truly seeking to understand the reason behind what happened. These questions are looking for explanation…not to be confused with excuse…and they come not from the heart, but from the head.

The problem is that early in the process, well-meaning Christian friends try to answer the “why” questions of the heart with theological answers from the head. That doesn’t work. “Why” questions from the heart need compassionate empathy, more than correct theology.

So, when you find yourself faced with a well-meaning Christian friend whose attempts to encourage you are more hurtful than helpful, try focusing on their genuine love and concern for you more than on their swing-and-a-miss attempt to answer the questions you’re not really asking.

The Credits

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The credits are one of the most neglected parts of a movie. Unless you’re a true movie buff, when the credits roll you probably feel the movie is over and get up to go. It’s a rare individual that stays and reads all those names and positions racing quickly up the screen.

But if it weren’t for the people listed in the credits, there would be no movie. Each one of those people played a specific part in bringing the movie to the screen. Directors, actors, script writers, costume designers, special effects artists…there’s a long list of people who added something to the making of the movie. Recognizing these people is important.

As you work through your sexual abuse, a lot of time and attention is given to the antagonist of your story…the abuser(s). Early in the process, the abuser(s) tend to get top billing and most of the screen time.

Then later on, as you move through the process, the attention tends to shift to the protagonist of the story…you. As you learn new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, you get more of the billing and more of the screen time.

As you come to the end of the process, it is really easy to feel like “this movie is over,” and quickly move on to something else. But there is still one more part to your “movie” that you don’t want to ignore. You need to take the time to credit all the people who have played a positive and helpful part in bringing you to this point.

This could be counselors, doctors, spouses, family members, close friends, or total strangers who unknowingly offered you words of kindness and acts of support. This supporting cast of people is an important part of your story and should not be glanced over. Their investment in your life, both big and small, have contributed to you arriving at this point in your movie. They deserve your recognition and gratitude before you move on.

Take some time to think about everyone who has contributed to your care and growth. Make a list of the people and their contributions…big and small. Think of their good gifts to you. Express your gratitude, if not to them, then to someone else. Don’t leave this movie without rolling the credits that are due.