control

Are You the CEO of Your Marriage?

by

How would you respond to the following question… “Are you the CEO in your marriage?” Maybe you would say, “Well, no! of course not!” Maybe you say your spouse acts like the CEO. Or, maybe you would say, “What do you mean by that?”

DO MARRIAGES HAVE CEO’S?

Every company has a CEO, or Chief Executive Officer. This person is the highest-ranking person in the company and the one ultimately responsible for making managerial decisions.

By this definition, you might say, “Marriages don’t have CEO’s. They’re not a business or a corporation.” And you would be right.

But many marriages still have a CEO. I call them the Chief Ego Officer, and they function much in the same way as the CEO of a company. They carry a lot of weight in the relationship, especially when it comes to direction and decision-making.

DECIDING WHO’S THE CEO.

How can you tell if you’re the CEO in the marriage? Ask yourself the following questions…and try to be honest with yourself:

  • Do you tend to make most of the decisions?
  • Do you get upset when your spouse makes a decision without checking with you first?
  • Do you often explain to your spouse why your way is better?
  • Do you have trouble listening to and considering your spouse’s opinions and approaches?
  • Do you get frustrated or angry when your spouse doesn’t take your advice or do things as you want?
  • Do you look down on your spouse for thinking or believing as they do?
  • Do you see your spouse’s differences of opinion as a threat to you or the marriage?

You may believe this list better fits your spouse than it does you, but the more you answer “yes” to these questions, the more likely you are to be the Chief Ego Officer of the relationship. You may have become the CEO in response to their behavior, but it still will affect your marriage.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF A CEO ON A MARRIAGE?

Though a company benefits from a strong CEO, a marriage suffers from a strong CEO. When a marriage has a strong Chief Ego Officer, two things typically happen:

The marriage becomes oppressive.

Whether it’s implied or stated out-right, the CEO of the marriage has a my-way-or-the-highway approach to the relationship. The other spouse’s thoughts, opinions, or approaches are ignored, dismissed, and not considered. The CEO increasingly stifles their spouse, not allowing them to be themselves.

This is a poison that will slowly kill the love, affection, and attraction in the relationship. And, the longer this continues, the harder it becomes to recover the relationship.

Then, the second effect a Chief Ego Officer has on marriage is…

The marriage becomes abusive.

Many CEO marriages stay stuck in the oppressive stage. But there are some marriages that progress to the abusive stage.

When the Chief Ego Officer experiences disagreement or push back from their spouse, they will begin to push back themselves. At first, the CEO will try to convince or cajole their spouse into seeing things their way. If that doesn’t work, the CEO’s approach will become more pointed and frustrated. If that doesn’t work, their anger will come out and they will become emotionally abusive, and possibly physically abusive.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE IN A CEO RELATIONSHIP.

If you find yourself in a CEO marriage, what should you do? Well…

If You’re the CEO…

  • Humble yourself. Apologize to your spouse for being so dominant and inconsiderate. This is hard, especially for a CEO, but you need to start here. And your apology must be sincere, not just a way to get the heat off or to get your spouse to soften back up to you. If you’re not really repentant for your behavior, you’ve not changed and the relationship can’t change.
  • Invite and listen to your spouse’s opinions. This is not just something to check off the list so you can then get on to how you want to do things. Take your time and honestly listen to them. To paraphrase Stephen Covey, seek first to understand them before trying to get them to understand you. Hear their thoughts, their heart, and their desires.
  • Look for reasons to defer to your spouse. This is hard for a Chief Ego Officer because they usually believe their spouse should defer to them. But try hard to defer to your spouse whenever possible. You may feel your way is better, but don’t push your way through. Share it with your spouse and make sure you both agree your way is better before implementing it.
  • Make the above a way of life. If you just do these things to get back on your spouse’s good side, then you’ve not really changed. You’re just manipulating the situation to get back in their good graces. These changes need to be a way of life for you…even if the marriage fails.

If Your Spouse is the CEO…

If your spouse is the CEO, you have three options:

  • Continue on as it is. Some people decide they will just go on tolerating the CEO’s behavior. Perhaps they don’t want to rock the boat out of fear of the CEO’s response. Maybe they’re concerned for others in the family. Or maybe their own insecurities make them wonder if there’s something wrong with them. Continuing on as-is is a valid option, but know that such a marriage rarely improves over time.
  • Begin to push back against the CEO’s behavior. This could go from standing up for yourself and your opinions, to not being easily coerced, to insisting on counseling, to threatening to leave the relationship. Chances are, the CEO will not react favorably to such changes, and they will do whatever they can to get things back to “normal.” If they feel they’ve got no other option, the CEO will seem to concede, but it usually doesn’t last.
  • Leave the relationship. If all else fails, you may decide you can no longer tolerate the relationship and make plans to leave. Departure is a last resort option and can either be temporary, until the CEO truly changes, or permanent. The CEO may have a variety of responses to your decision to leave. They may act shocked and say they didn’t know anything was wrong. They may try to convince you that things are not that bad. They may get angry and blame you for all the problems. And if all else fails, they may concede and offer to make changes. But, oftentimes their changes are only an attempt to get you back in the fold.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

Can CEO marriages really change? Yes! But…the ego of the Chief Ego Officer will not change quickly or easily. It will take work and practice to learn to exchange ego for humility. But it can be done. So, if you’re the Chief Ego Officer in the marriage, honestly and humbly enlist the aid of close friends, accountability partners, pastors, or counselors. Do whatever it takes to resign as CEO of your marriage. And if your spouse is the CEO, do everything in your power to share the problem and encourage them to change. Either way, you (and they) will be the better for it.

The List – Be Parental With Your Spouse

by

Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and watching marriages fail.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

I was having dinner with one of my daughters and her children the other night when my daughter told her 7-year-old son to do something. My grandson responded by saying, “I’ll be glad when I’m an adult so I won’t have anyone telling me what to do or how to act!”

We all know that being an adult doesn’t spare you from being told what to do and how to act. It just removes your parents from that role and replaces them with bosses, landlords, the IRS, and yes…even spouses.

It’s a fact of life that spouses will occasionally tell one another what to do. When done kindly and respectfully, there’s usually no problem. But it becomes a threat to a marriage when one spouse is continually coming across as parental.

ARE YOU COMING ACROSS AS PARENTAL?

Most of us don’t know when we’re being parental. Even if our spouse had the courage to point it out, it’s hard for us to see it or accept it. The spouse who’s being parental just thinks they’re being helpful, loving, or efficient.

So, how can we know when we’ve crossed the line from just being helpful into being parental? Well, here are some things to look for:

  • You equate your way with the “right” way.
  • You hear yourself frequently using words like “you should,” “you shouldn’t,” and “you ought to.”.
  • You give “suggestions” that are frequently interpreted as commands.
  • You frequently correct your spouse.
  • You are frustrated and take it personally when your spouse doesn’t take your “suggestion.”
  • You feel their difference of opinion is disrespectful or rebellious.
  • You frequently give directions or instructions.
  • You complain about having to micro-manage things.
  • You talk to your spouse as if they were one of your children.
  • You feel it’s you’re job to ensure quality control.
  • You find your spouse bristling or withdrawing when you’re “just trying to be helpful.”
  • You often hear your spouse complain of your authoritative tone.

Being parental is not just about what you do, but it’s about how you do it and how often you do it.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

Being parental can happen for a number of reasons, but here are three of the biggies…

It’s what you witnessed growing up.

If you grew up in a home where one parent tended to “parent” the other, you could easily fall into the same pattern. After all, what we see growing up is usually the only model we have for how to do marriage. So being parental with your spouse just feels familiar and right.

You’ve been deeply hurt or traumatized.

Those who have been hurt or traumatized often try very hard to control things and people so as to not get hurt again. They may even do this so the people they love don’t get hurt. But their fears and insecurities don’t come across as loving. They come across as controlling and parental.

Your spouse is acting selfish or entitled.

It’s hard not to act parental when your spouse is acting selfish, demanding, or entitled. After all…if they’re going to act childish, then someone has to act like the parent, right? So it’s easy to fall into the parental role when this happens.

But be careful in assuming it’s your childish spouse’s fault. Perhaps you’re not acting parental because they’re acting childish. Perhaps they’re acting childish because you’re acting parental. (Let that sink in a minute.) And even if your spouse started it by acting childish, it won’t get better if you go parental on them. That will only make them act more like a child!

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Whether you’re the spouse being parental or the spouse being parented, you can’t control how the other is acting. You can only control how you’re acting. So, no matter which role you’re playing, ask yourself the following questions…

Is there any truth to what they’re saying?

I know. Our immediate response to such a question is, “No. There’s no truth to what they’re saying.”  But take my word for it. There’s always a kernel of truth in every criticism, and it’s our job to look for that kernel of truth and do something about it.

  • If you’re the one being parented. Listen to what they’re saying; as hard as that may be. Maybe they’re telling you you’re not listening, or you conveniently forget what you’re told, or you’re not helping out enough, or you only want to do the things you want to do. Whatever it is, swallow your pride and ask yourself if there’s even a kernel of truth in that.
  • If you’re the one being parental. Ask yourself if there is any truth to that. Are there times when you feel you have to treat them like a child? Are there times when you feel tired of correcting them? Are there times when you feel like if you don’t stay on them, things won’t get done…or they won’t get done right?

Would I want to be treated this way?

If you have trouble being objective enough to answer the first question, then maybe this question will help you get at things from another direction. Look at all the things that your spouse complains about and ask if you would like it if the shoe were on the other foot.

  • If you’re the one being parented. Ask yourself if you would like it if your spouse…didn’t follow through on what they said they would do – didn’t do a very good job on something that was important to you – didn’t help you when you felt overwhelmed – did or said things that felt disrespectful.
  • If you’re the one being parental. Ask yourself if you would like it if your spouse was…frequently correcting you – frequently telling you why their way was better than yours – acting like you’re the only person in the world that thinks the way you do – treating you like you couldn’t get by without them.

What’s one thing I could do differently that would help?

Yes, there’s probably more than one thing you could do, but start with the one thing you could do that would make the most difference.

  • If you’re the one being parented. Think about the one thing that your spouse complains about the most with regards to your behavior and change that one thing. I realize that they may not think it’s enough of a change, but trust me. That little change will begin to make a difference.
  • If you’re the one being parental. Think about the one thing that your spouse complains about the most with regards to your behavior and change that one thing. I realize that they may not think it’s enough of a change, but trust me. That little change will begin to make a difference.

Did you notice that the recommendation was exactly the same for the spouse who is being parented and the spouse that’s being parental? That’s because we both have the same responsibility…to act more like an adult and less like a parent or child.

A FINAL WORD…

It’s easy for both the spouse being parented and the spouse being parental to be confused by the other’s reactions and push-back.

The spouse that’s being parented feels like their spouse doesn’t love them or they wouldn’t treat them like a child. But the spouse being parented has focused on their freedom to the detriment of their responsibility. And the spouse that’s being parental feels like the only reason they would act this way is that they truly love their spouse. But they’ve confused love with control.

The parent-child relationship is a healthy part of raising a family, but not building a marriage. After all, no one feels romantically inclined towards their parent. Instead, they often want to get away from their parent. That’s why, whether you’re the one being parented or the one being parental, this is a sure step toward losing your marriage. And that’s why it’s on the list!

If Your Spouse is Critical…

by

Does any of the following sound familiar?

  • That’s not the right way to load the dishwasher. They won’t get clean that way.
  • Why are you going this way? It takes longer and there are more stop lights.
  • Why can’t you put things away when you’re done?
  • That’s not the right way to discipline the kids.
  • If you would just do it the way I told you, you wouldn’t have this problem.

In most every marriage, there will be one spouse who is more particular about things. They are more black and white and more concerned about the “right” way to do things. This is typically the spouse who is accused of being critical.

There will also be one spouse who is not that particular about things. They see thing more in shades of grey than black and white, and they are more concerned about getting things done than doing them the “right” way. This is typically the spouse who feels consistently criticized.

This post is meant to address the latter. But first…

TO THE SPOUSE ACCUSED OF BEING CRITICAL…

If you’re the one accused of being critical, you probably don’t view it as being critical. You probably view it as trying to be helpful. You’re just trying to make things better.

Everyone will need to offer suggestions or correction to their spouse from time to time. That’s normal. But when these attempts to be helpful are frequent and unsolicited, they can easily come across as critical rather than helpful.

Here’s the problem with frequent and consistent criticism:

  • Your spouse will take it personally. Your spouse will hear your attempts to make things better as attempts to make them better. This will feel parental and demeaning to them. No adult wants to feel like they’re being parented, and it can cause them to become defensive and defiant.
  • You come across as dominant and controlling. Think of the last time you felt like you were being controlled and told what to do. How did you feel when that was happening? My guess is…not good. Did it make you feel like cooperating with the person telling you what to do? My guess is…no. Trust me. You don’t want to be seen as dominant and controlling. It’s not attractive!
  • You may get what you want, but you will breed resentment in your spouse. You may get your spouse to do things the way you want them to; especially if they are passive or uncomfortable with conflict. But don’t confuse their compliance with agreement. They may do things the way you want to avoid a disagreement, but inside they will nurse a growing resentment toward you that will eventually erupt into a more serious issue.

Now someone is probably saying, “You mean I can never speak up about anything or address something that’s wrong?”

That’s not what I’m saying. Of course there are times when we have to speak up, share our preferences, point out a problem, or deal with differences. But there is a way to do that can help your spouse from becoming so defensive.

Remember this before you correct or criticize:

  • Not every hill is a hill to die on. There are some things that just aren’t that important. So they didn’t load the dishwasher the “right” way. At least they loaded it. At least they were trying to help. Let the small things go. It will give you more credibility for the bigger things. (And if you’re not sure is something is a big or small thing, ask a trusted friend who will be honest with you.)
  • Make sure your complimenting more than criticizing. For some people, spotting everything that’s wrong with something comes easier than spotting everything that’s right with something. Work hard to not be that person. As a general rule of thumb, make sure you’re handing out five times as many positives as negatives. (Ok…if that sounds like too much, then start with three times as many positives as negatives.) It will make your negatives much easier to hear and address.
  • When you really need to point out something, preface it with love. In the ancient New Testament Scriptures, we’re told about “speaking the truth in love…” (Ephesians 4:15) Yes, we need to be truthful with our spouse, but it’s love that makes that truth hearable and digestible. And you need to show that love, not just when you want to address something that’s bothering you, but at other times as well.

Now, let’s address those for whom this post was written…

TO THE SPOUSE FEELING CRITICIZED…

If you’re the spouse who is feeling criticized, you probably have accumulated some feelings of hurt and resentment. Those feelings may have even morphed into anger. So telling you not to get defensive when your spouse is criticizing you would be like telling you not to jump when someone startles you. So let’s approach this from a different angle.

Here are two things to do when you’re feeling criticized by your spouse…or anyone:

  • Don’t take it personally. Try to remember that the thing that’s irritating your spouse is more about their wants, their need, and their personality than it is about your deficiencies. They are the ones who need help with something. It may feel like they’re trying to change you, but really they just need your help.
  • Listen for the grain of truth in what they’re saying. When we feel criticized, it’s easy to let our defensiveness write off everything our critic is saying. But chances are, there is a grain of truth in what they’re saying…even if it’s a small grain of truth. You don’t have to agree with everything they’re saying, but pay attention to the grain of truth in what they’re saying, and do something about that. Because this is the area in which you need to grow.

To the person feeling criticized by their spouse, here’s the bottom line…

If your spouse is critical…learn from it.

I know it’s no fun, but it’s a critical part of learning to live together. (Did you get the pun?)

Control, Coronavirus, and Other Complications of Life

by

In these day when our news, our social media, and our lives are consumed with the Coronavirus, one thing is painfully clear…

WE ARE NOT AS IN CONTROL AS WE WANT TO BE.

We never have been. Since the Fall in the Garden of Eden, we have done whatever we could to subjugate and eradicate the feeling of not being in control. And we’re still doing that.

Some try to convince themselves that the government will get control of this. Others repeatedly tell themselves that God is in control of this. And others militantly follow social distancing plans and hand washing procedures to stay in control of this. These are all good things, but they still fall short of putting us at ease and quenching our thirst for control.

 

WHY IS IT SO IMPORTANT FOR US TO FEEL LIKE WE HAVE CONTROL?

  • We want to feel in control to keep our fear at bay. There’s a lot of fear out there. Health fear. Economic fear. Scholastic fear. Fear is swelling because we feel we can’t control these things.
  • We want to feel in control because we lack trust. We don’t trust our government to make the right calls at the right time. We don’t trust others to do what they should do to keep their distance, or to keep food on the shelves, or to keep helping when we’re in need. Then we don’t trust God to intervene as we hope…despite what we might profess.
  • We want to feel in control, because it helps us maintain a sense of self importance. We want to feel that we’re different and special. But we feel out of control when we realize we’re no different from everyone else.

 

In one way or another, there’s a bit of control freak in all of us. But here’s the thing…

WE ARE NEVER IN COMPLETE CONTROL!

There will always be things we can’t control. It’s a given in life. The quality of our life is not dependent on keeping control of everything, but rather in how we respond to the things we can’t control.

  • It’s not about making fear go away, but rather about going on in the face of fear.
  • It’s not about trusting someone to fix the problem, but rather trusting someone in the midst of the problem.
  • It’s not about being above everyone else, but rather being in it with everyone else.

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN WE’RE NOT IN CONTROL.

Even Christians have control issues at times, but we don’t need to strive for control, because…

  • In the face of fear, we’re told…“for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” – 2 Timothy 1:7 ESV.
  • In the face of mistrust, we’re told…“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” – Proverbs 3:5 ESV.
  • In the face of self-importance, we’re told…“The greatest among you shall be your servant. Whoever exalts himself will be humbled, and whoever humbles himself will be exalted.” – Matthew 23:11-12 ESV.

Like the rapids in a white water rafting trip, the Coronavirus is part of the trip down stream. It may raise our adrenaline, but we don’t have to be in control of the rapids. We just need to stay in the boat and listen to our guide.

In times of trials, you may not be able to control anything else, but you can control to whom you listen. Whether you’re struggling for control over work, marriage, children,  finances, or pandemics, the questions is still the same…to whom is your heart listening?

How Parents Can Bring Out the Best in Their Teenagers

by

In my last post, How Teenagers Bring Out the Worst in Their Parents, I talked abut the very difficult job of raising teenagers, and how it can effect parents.

In this post, let’s talk about how parents can bring out the best in their teens. It starts when you’re aware of your own issues of control, self-esteem, memory loss, fears, and aspirations. (Check out the previous post for more on this.)

Once you have addressed those things in yourself, there are some things you can do to bring out the best in those opinionated, strong-willed, hormonally challenged aliens we refer to as teenagers:

Read more

How Teenagers Bring Out the Worst in Their Parents

by

I typically write posts focused on marriage, but this post is going to veer more into the area of parenting. Specifically, parenting teenagers, and more specifically, how teenagers bring out the worst in their parents.

As a former youth pastor, I have a special place in my heart for parents of teens. And, as the father of two grown children, I still have the twitches that can only come from teens or Turretts.

Read more