counseling

Infidelity!

by

In my opinion, infidelity is one of the most destructive blows that can be delivered to a marriage.

It’s even worse than the death of a spouse because when a spouse dies, it’s not intentional or desired. But with infidelity, a spouse…someone who has promised to be faithful…consciously engages in an act that breaks that faith. When a spouse dies, it’s a loss, but it’s not a betrayal. And when a spouse dies, you don’t have to continually see that spouse.

Infidelity can put a marriage on the critical list. Some marriages end. Some never really recover. And some actually go on to be much better than they ever were.

So let’s take a look at infidelity: What causes infidelity, what does infidelity do to a marriage, and what you can do when infidelity comes to light.

WHAT IS IT?

When we hear the word “infidelity” we typically think of a spouse who has a sexual encounter outside of their marriage and with someone other than their spouse. And this is certainly the height of infidelity.

But at its core, infidelity refers to being unfaithful to a partner.

I believe that when a spouse turns to someone else for the close emotional and relational connection they should only receive from their spouse, they are being unfaithful. This is often referred to as an “emotional affair.” An emotional affair can be just as devastating to a marriage as a sexual affair. And left unchecked, these emotional affairs often morph into sexual affairs.

For the purpose of this post, we’re going to be focusing on sexual infidelity. But the principles will relate to other types of infidelity as well.

WHAT CAUSES INFIDELITY?

People give many reasons for their infidelity…

  • There was alcohol involved.
  • The other person aggressively initiated it.
  • They didn’t intend to do it, it just happened.

There are lots of reasons given for infidelity, but they usually fit into one of two broad reasons…

An unplanned, impulsive decision.

There can be those times when a spouse wasn’t planning to be unfaithful, but acted impulsively, without thinking. These can be fueled by alcohol or other substances, or a spouse can wind up submitting to a strong sexual aggressor.

I personally believe that unplanned and impulsive unfaithfulness is a quite small percentage of infidelities. I believe that most infidelity falls into the second category…

An ongoing drift in the marriage.

This is a slower and more subtle approach. In this case, there has been a slow and progressive drift and distancing in the marriage…long before the infidelity becomes a reality.

The grind of work, kids, and life start taking their toll on the marriage. Spouses begin to take each other for granted and they stop meeting each other’s needs. Consequently, the gap between them grows larger and the connection between them grows weaker. And eventually, the atmosphere for infidelity is set.

So, then a spouse crosses paths with someone who takes an interest in them. Maybe they take an interest in the spouse’s work, their hobbies, or their personality. And it all may be innocent at first, but then they gradually start spending more time together. Then they start looking for ways to connect. As the connection/attraction between them grows stronger, the connection/attraction in the marriage grows weaker. And eventually, they’ve crossed so many lines that it becomes a small step to cross the last line.

But whether the infidelity was an unplanned and impulsive decision, or it was the result of an ongoing drift in the marriage, the infidelity will have destructive consequences on a marriage.

WHAT DOES INFIDELITY DO?

Just what exactly does infidelity do to a marriage?

Infidelity can affect couples in many little ways, but at its core, infidelity destroys the safety of marriage. Marriage is meant to be a haven of safety in the midst of a threatening and hurtful world.

But infidelity destroys that safety by destroying the three elements that promote safety in marriage…truth, trust, and commitment.

Think of a triangle. Triangles are used in construction because they give strength and stability to the structure. But if one side of a triangle is bent or taken away, it loses its strength and collapses.

Think of a marriage as a triangle. the first side is truth, the second side is trust, and the third side is commitment. If any of these is damaged, the marriage becomes weak, compromised, and in danger of collapsing. Infidelity deals a destructive blow to all three sides of marriage…truth, trust, and commitment.

This is why infidelity is so crippling to a marriage, and why so many marriages never recover from the infidelity.

WHAT CAN YOU DO WHEN INFIDELITY IS DISCOVERED?

So if infidelity deals such a crushing blow to marriage, what can you do when you discover a spouse’s infidelity.

When infidelity is revealed in a marriage, there are three basic options:

1. End the marriage.

For some marriages, the breaking of truth, trust, and commitment is too much for the hurt spouse to overcome. The infidelity is just too overwhelming and they just can’t conceive of continuing in the marriage.

If the betrayed spouse is a Christian, they may fall back on Jesus’ allowance of divorce for reasons of unfaithfulness, and end the marriage.

Infidelity will end many marriages, but others will turn to the second option…

2. Try to just put it in the past and move forward.

In this option, the betrayed spouse doesn’t feel the freedom to end the marriage, but facing infidelity seems too daunting. So much to the relief of the spouse who was unfaithful, the betrayed spouse concedes to try to put the infidelity behind them and focus on moving forward.

Though this may sound good, and even gracious, to avoid dealing with infidelity is a lot like ignoring a cancer diagnosis. It often destroys the marriage slowly from the inside out.

This brings us to the third option, and the one that I believe holds the most promise…

3. Commit to seeing a counselor and doing the hard work of repair.

Let me say upfront, this is the hardest of the 3 options. It can feel brutal because it forces you to face the infidelity in great detail when you would rather just try to forget it and move on.

But if your marriage is going to heal and grow stronger, the terrible wound of infidelity must be opened up and cleaned out before it can be stitched up and healed.

Counselors differ in their approach to helping marriages recover from infidelity, but here is the general approach I take when trying to help a couple recover from an affair…

  • There’s an initial meeting with both spouses. This is to get the story and a feel for each spouse’s desire and investment.
  • Next, there’s an individual session with each spouse. This is not for the purpose of keeping secrets from each other, but rather to help each spouse be a little freer without worrying about how their words might hurt the other.
  • Session four is a disclosure session. At this session, the betrayed spouse can ask the betraying spouse any and all questions that are important to them. The questions can range from “Did you tell them you loved them?” to “Where and how did you have sex.” The purpose of the session is not about being voyeuristic, but rather to start rebuilding truth in the marriage. As you can imagine, this is a difficult session.
  • The remaining sessions focus on rebuilding the marriage and addressing anything that contributed to the marital drift. This is where we address the things that contributed to getting them to this point.

As you can tell, this is not a quick and easy process. And issues from the infidelity can continue to crop up long after the fact. But it is a process that will give the marriage the biggest chance of not just surviving but of thriving.

Does every marriage survive infidelity? No. Some don’t survive because the offender won’t submit to doing whatever is necessary to re-instill trust in their spouse. Others don’t survive because no matter how hard the betrayer works to repair things, the offended spouse just can’t (or won’t) let go of the offense so they can move on.

So, when it comes to counseling, there are no guarantees, but there are some strong possibilities.

A FINAL WORD…

Infidelity can ravage a marriage, and its effects can continue to pop up long after the fact. But with a lot of hard work and rebuilding of truth and trust, safety can be restored and a couple can build a marriage that’s stronger after the infidelity than before. I know, cause I’ve seen it.

The List – Stop Spending Time Together

by

Some time ago, I spent a few days thinning out over 20 years of counseling files. As I went through each individual file, it was like a trip down memory lane. With each file, I could see their faces and remember their issues.

While doing this, I was struck by how many married couples I had worked with. I celebrated those couples who had turned things around and went on to have great marriages. But I also grieved over those marriages that ended in divorce.

Burdened by those marriages that ended in divorce, I began keeping a list of issues that contributed to those divorces. I discovered that, despite the uniqueness of each couple, there were some common and reoccurring issues that led to these divorces.  And with the exception of three or four “big” things,  most of the issues were smaller, more normal things that were left unattended for too long.

So, I compiled my notes into a list I called, “Ways to Lose Your Marriage” or just “The List” for short. And in the weeks to come, I’m going to be sharing this list with you. Each week, in no particular order, we will cover one way to lose your marriage.

So, here’s the first one.

One way to lose your marriage is to …

STOP SPENDING TIME TOGETHER.

When we are dating, we try to spend as much time as possible together. Even if we have nothing to do or nothing to say, we still want to spend all the time we can together because we were in love.

But after we get married, and after the honeymoon time begins to wane, we gradually spend less and less time together. We get busy building a home, building a career, and building a family, and we forget to keep building our marriage. Then, one day, we wonder why we’re not as close as we use to be. The spark seems to have evaporated. The relationship is more routine…more business-like. It’s not like it used to be.

So as time goes on, you begin to drift apart. Oh, you’re still raising kids, paying the mortgage, cleaning the house, and mowing the yard. But you’re just not as connected anymore. And it all started because you gradually stopped spending time together. You didn’t intend to. It wasn’t personal. Life just kept taking more and more of your time, and your spouse started getting less and less of it.

When you stop spending time together, you set your marriage on a gradual course of dissatisfaction and (if not corrected) divorce.

When I talk about spending time together, I’m not necessarily talking about hours of uninterrupted time, staring into each other’s eyes, and talking about the secrets of your hearts. It’s more simple and less threatening than that. Think of it as intentional time together and unintentional time together.

Intentional Time Together.

Intentional time together is planned and/or scheduled time together. It could be a simple as a dinner or movie date, or as elaborate as a weekend getaway or a second honeymoon. And the act of scheduling and planning the time is almost as important as the time itself because it communicates to your spouse that you care enough about them to put some effort into it.

Unintentional Time Together.

Unintentional time is more casual, spur-of-the-moment time with your spouse. Things like: sitting together, running errands together, taking a walk together, etc. Believe it or not, these times are just as important as the intentional times together, because they can happen more frequently and can become a part of the daily routine of your life.

YEAH, BUT…

Some of you may be thinking, “Yeah, but spending time together when we were dating was easier because we were in love and didn’t have as many things getting in the way. But I want to challenge that thinking. Maybe it wasn’t being in love that caused you to spend so much time together when you were dating. Maybe you were in love because you spent so much time together. And you still had demands and constraints on your time when you were dating. You had school, parents, work, friends, and the fact that the two of you weren’t living together. Yet you still found a way to work around those constraints. If you could do it then, you can do it now.

I know this may be difficult at first, especially if you’re at a place where you don’t want to spend time with your spouse. You may be hurt, angry, or wounded, and spending time with them is the last thing you want to do. But let me encourage you. Don’t put it off or avoid it for long. Because not spending time with your spouse is one of the ways to lose your marriage. It’s on the list.

If There’s Been Infidelity…

by

Few things are more devastating or destructive to a marriage than infidelity.

It’s worse than the death of a spouse, because when a spouse dies, it’s not intentional, it’s not a betrayal, and you don’t keep running into them or dealing with them.

Infidelity…

  • Wrecks a dream.
  • Destroys trust.
  • Fractures a bond.
  • Taints communication.
  • Poisons the relationship.

It’s like a jet plane ramming into the twin towers of marriage, leaving massive destruction in its wake.

THE STATS

A July 2020 post in Psychology Today, titled “Infidelity: Figuring It Out,” gives the followings stats on infidelity:

  • 22% of married men admit to straying at least once.
  • 14% of married women admit to straying at least once.

And the rates are probably higher when you include emotional and sexual involvement apart from intercourse.

THE DEFINITION

When you think of infidelity, you typically think of someone having intercourse with someone other than their spouse/partner. But infidelity encompasses more than just intercourse outside of marriage.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines infidelity as: “The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.”

Any time a person turns to someone other than their spouse/partner to secretly meet their emotional and/or sexual needs, it can be viewed as infidelity.

THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW

Here are some things you need to know about infidelity…

Infidelity produces deep and excruciating pain.

There is no pain as intense as being betrayed by the person you exclusively trusted with your body and soul. As I said, it’s a pain greater than losing your spouse to death…because death is not an intentional choice against you.

Infidelity puts trust on life-support.

Trust is the lifeblood of any relationship. Without it, the relationship can’t survive. The revelation that your spouse has secretly turned to someone else for emotional and/or sexual satisfaction leaves trust in shambles and the hope of rebuilding trust questionable.

Some marriages cannot survive infidelity.

Though I have helped many couples work through infidelity and go on to build a strong marriage, some marriage cannot survive that kind of betrayal. Sometimes it’s because the spouse that cheated can’t do what it takes to rebuild trust, and sometimes it’s because the spouse that was betrayed can’t get past what happened and trust their spouse again. (More on this below.) Either way, not every couple survives infidelity. Perhaps this is why even the Bible lists infidelity as an acceptable reason for a marriage to end.

Some marriages can survive infidelity.

As I said above, I’ve helped many couples work through the pain of infidelity. It’s a long and difficult process, but if both spouses are willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work, the marriage can not only be saved…it can become stronger and better than ever.

Infidelity is a message about the spouses and their marriage.

I’m not excusing the infidelity. (I’ll get to that in a minute) But there was something going on with the individual spouses and the way they were relating to one another that set an environment conducive to infidelity. One of the keys to remaking a better marriage after the infidelity is to understand what was happening to create that environment and to work to change it.

Infidelity is a choice, and cannot be blamed on anything or anyone other than the person who chose to be unfaithful.

As I said above, infidelity cannot be excused. The unfaithful spouse could have chosen other options. They could have expressed their dissatisfaction with their spouse or the marriage. They could have confessed their temptation to stray and asked for help. The unfaithful spouse could have gone to counseling or insisted that the two of them go to marriage counseling. Ultimately, they could have ended the marriage if they were that unhappy. There are always choices other than betraying your spouse. The responsibility for the infidelity lies squarely on the shoulders of the one who chose to be unfaithful.

THE THINGS YOU NEED TO DO

Infidelity does not have to end a marriage. If both spouses are willing to commit to one another, seek counseling, and do the hard work, they can rebuild a new and better marriage.

With the help of a counselor, here’s what spouses need to do to work through infidelity…

Resist/Reject.

From the very outset, the unfaithful spouse must completely resist all impulses to contact the infidelity partner in any way. They must also reject all attempts for the infidelity partner to contact them. All contact between the two must be cut off for rebuilding to work. Realistically, this will not be easy for an unfaithful spouse. They have experienced something exciting and seemingly fulfilling with this other person, and even if they cut off all contact, they will still grieve the loss. This is hard for the betrayed spouse to watch, but it’s a natural part of the process.

Reveal.

Once the infidelity has come out into the open, every detail must be revealed.

When I’m helping couples recover from infidelity, I have one session in which the spouse who was betrayed can ask their spouse any and every question they feel necessary…even down to questions about the times, places, and types of sex they had. Admittedly, this is painful for both spouses, but the greatest pain has already been inflicted with the infidelity. If the trust is ever to be restored, there can be nothing hidden or secret. This type of revealing also helps the betrayed spouse eventually get past asking incessant questions that can eventually damage the recovery process.

Review.

Once every question has been asked and everything has been disclosed, then the couple needs to move on to reviewing their marriage…from the beginning to where things began to run off the rails.

Typically, there’s a subtle drift between spouses. Often, this drift begins with the onset of kids and career focus. Spouses begin to talk less and take each other for granted. Fatigue becomes a bigger factor. The sexual relationship is given less and less attention. Stressors and tensions slowly increase.

Whatever the reasons, spouses need to review the evolution (or devolution) of their marriage to understand what happened to set the stage for infidelity.

Rebuild.

Having done the review, the couple then must change the habits and structures that contributed to the weakening of their marriage. This may include…

  • Working on new communications skills and strategies.
  • Investing more in childcare or other systems so they can spend more time together.
  • Developing better conflict resolution skills.
  • Getting some individual counseling for personal issues that might be causing problems in the marriage.

Working through infidelity is hard, but just working through infidelity without doing the work of rebuilding a better marriage simply sets the stage for future failure.

A WORD OF WARNING

I believe it’s possible for a marriage to survive infidelity with counseling and hard work. But there are some couples who come to counseling to work through infidelity that don’t make it. When this happens, it’s typically for one of two reasons…

  • The spouse who was unfaithful can’t tolerate the scrutiny necessary to rebuild trust. For a while, the unfaithful spouse has to be totally open with their whereabouts, their cell phone, their social media passwords, etc. Their life has to be under a microscope for a while so that their spouse can rebuild trust. If they can’t tolerate this scrutiny, they won’t be able to rebuild.
  • The spouse who was betrayed can’t let go of the offense and move forward. When the unfaithful spouse has done everything they can to prove they’re trustworthy, the responsibility for moving forward then shifts to the spouse who was betrayed. The betrayed spouse then must choose to forgive, let go, and move forward. If the betrayed spouse can’t do that, the marriage probably won’t survive.

These two things can ultimately wreck a couple’s attempts to recover from infidelity.

A FINAL WORD

This is what I want you to understand…

If there’s been infidelity…it doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage.

That’s not to say that every marriage will survive infidelity, but they can, with counseling, hard work, and support. That’s both my goal and my prayer.