The other day, I was cleaning out some files and came across a poem, written by a divorced mom on behalf of her two children. The poem had no title, so I’ve given it the title: “My Daddy Doesn’t Live Here.” It’s heartbreaking to read, but it’s a good reminder of how divorce affects kids.
Did I marry “the right one?” There can be times in marriage when that question races across your mind like a streaker running across a football field. It can happen when you’re having that same old fight for the umpteenth time. It can happen when the two of you disagree on what’s fun and what’s boring. It can happen when your goals for the future don’t line up. It can happen when the differences between you and your spouse has you grinding your teeth.
It’s during these out-of-sync-times that spouses begin to wonder, “Did I marry the right one?” For some couples, the longer they’re married the more the question pops up. They try to beat the question back, as if they were playing a game of marital whack-a-mole, but no matter what they do, the question keeps coming up.
If you haven’t noticed, I’m a big fan of marriage. I’m like the person who finds a reason to root for their favorite team, even if their team isn’t doing so well.
But many of the people who come to my office thinking about divorce can’t find a reason to root for the team. They can’t find a reason to stay together.
It’s difficult to find a reason to stay married when your feeling the accumulation of hurt, neglect, anger, betrayal, and general ill will. But I encourage couples to look hard to find a reason to stay together.
I heard an interview the other day with a doctor who had gone to Syria to take care of children caught in the war there. The doctor spoke of children and families being torn apart, physically, emotionally and relationally by the on-going war. There may be times when war is unavoidable, but it’s never good.
The same is true when marriages “got to war.”
Did you ever do any school lunch trading when you were a kid? You know…you look in the lunch bag your mom packed and you find something you really don’t want. Something you would like to trade for something else.
Marriage can be that way. A few years into your marriage, you can find things in the marriage bag you didn’t really want. Things you wish you could trade for something else.
“Cars. Dishwashers. Houses. Televisions. Phones. These eventually beg the question, “Should I fix the one I’ve got or get a new one?” It’s not always clear, and often we make more of an emotional decision than a rational decision. If we really want something new, we can always find the rationale for it. “There’s too many miles on this one.” “It doesn’t clean like it used to.” “It doesn’t have all the features I want.” “It’s not as sharp as it used to be.” “It doesn’t respond like it used to.”
When I’m eating out, I hate not getting what I ordered. Once while traveling, my wife and I pulled off the interstate to grab something to eat. Like a pit stop at Indy, we drove through, got our food, and got back on the road. Back on the interstate, my wife opened the bag to verify the order. (Yeah, I know.. we should have thought of that before getting back on the interstate.) She discovered they had gotten my order wrong. I was so frustrated I turned around at the next exit…several miles down the road…and went back to get what I had ordered. (Can you say “obsessive?”)
What’s this got to do with marriage?