I heard an interview the other day with a doctor who had gone to Syria to take care of children caught in the war there. Â The doctor spoke of children and families being torn apart, physically, emotionally and relationally by the on-going war. Â There may be times when war is unavoidable, but it’s never good.
The same is true when marriages “got to war.” Â There may be times when it’s unavoidable, (issues of abuse, cruelty, threats to safety, a rebellious spouse, etc.), but these situations are not the reasons most marriages go to war. Â More often than not, the real reason has more to do with the accumulation of smaller offenses. Â Either way, the effects are still devastating.
War in marriage is just like any other war…
- Both sides believe they’re right.
- Neither side wants to humble themselves or compromise.
- Both sides suffer.
- Children will always suffer.
- Others get drawn into the conflict.
- It takes more time and resources to rebuild than to work it out.
- Though things can get back to some sort of “normal,” it never comes back to complete normal.
After nearly 20 years of working with marriages, I strongly urge couples to explore every possible avenue and solution before going to war. Â Certainly do not tolerate abuse or cruelty, but do not be quick to jump to war. Â It may be inevitable, but don’t assume it is. Â Seek support from a counselor, a minister, or close friends who will lovingly support you and tell you the truth. Â Make war your last resort.
Weigh in and tell us how you feel about marriage that go to war.
Copyright © 2014 Bret Legg
I am not at war in my marriage but the picture of the toy soldiers reminded me of “throw the potato” moments with my husband. Made me smile.