relationship

Is Your Sex Drive Running Low?

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It’s normal in marriage for one spouse to have a lower sex drive than the other. But when one spouse exhibits little to no sex drive, it can be an extremely difficult thing for the marriage.

I know marriage is about more than just sex, but sex can be critical to the health of a marriage. Studies have shown a correlation between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction.

And even the Scripture tells us that sex is a basic drive and desire, hardwired into us by God, for enjoyment as well as procreation. You see this throughout the Song of Solomon, as well as in passages like Proverbs 5:19.

So, if your sex drive is nil to none, let’s look at some possible reasons.

THE REASONS

Though we think it should be simple, a sex drive is a complicated issue. There are many things that can snuff your sex drive. Here are a few of them:

Hormonal.

Hormones and hormonal balance are major players when it comes to sex drive. Sex drive can be affected by the time of the month, low testosterone levels, thyroid problems, and many other hormonal issues. Don’t overlook this.

Relational.

When you’re not doing well relationally, it will affect your sex drive. This is especially true for wives. If a wife is feeling insecure, unappreciated, emotionally disconnected, or hurt it will greatly suppress her sex drive. The same can be true for husbands, but typically a husband’s sex drive is not as tethered to these things. That’s why most husbands will still be interested in sex, even after having a fight with their wives.

Physical.

Because sex is very physical, physical problems can interfere with your sex drive. If sex is painful, it can very quickly dampen your sex drive and even prompt you to avoid sex. Erectile dysfunction, breathing issues, heart issues, excessive weight, back pain,  joint pain…these can all interfere with sex and your sex drive.

Age can also be a factor. It is not true that we lose our sex drive when we age,  but that drive can certainly decrease as we age.

Medical.

It can be easy to overlook, but certain medications can dampen and interfere with your sex drive. Many anti-depressants, heart medications, prostate medications, and even some over-the-counter medications for heartburn can affect your sex drive.

Historical.

Whether we like it or not, we carry our history into our present…and into our bedrooms. Past abuses and hurts can greatly affect your sex drive. What you were taught about sex (good or bad) plays into your sex drive. Past sexual experiences can be a factor. And unresolved issues between you and your spouse can dampen a sex drive.

Habitual.

Certainly, if you’re involved with someone else, it will affect your sex drive with your spouse. But if you’re involved in the on-going use of porn or masturbation, chances are you will experience a lowering of your sex drive for your spouse. You’re expending the sex drive you have on someone or something other than your spouse; leaving little to none for them. These are serious issues that will need to be addressed.

Emotional.

On-going emotional issues such as depression, anxiety, stress, and insecurity hit at the heart of a sex drive. Body image issues are another big factor. And trust issues (often stemming from past hurts and abuses) make it difficult to freely open up in sex…thus dampening your sex drive.

Intentional.

We don’t think of this one as much as we do the others, but a lack of intentionality will slowly siphon off your sex drive. Life is busy and demanding. If we’re not intentional about maintaining and improving our sex life, our sex drive can easily wane.

THE REMEDIES

If one or more of the above issues is decreasing your sex drive and hurting your marriage, take heart. There are steps you can take:

  • See your physician. Explain your issues with low sex drive and have them do a complete workup. Have them go through all your medications to determine if they may be interfering with your sex drive.
  • Nurture the relationship in non-sexual ways. Spend time together. Have fun together. Surprise them. Serve them. Compliment your spouse. Flirt with your spouse. Put in a lot of effort outside the bedroom. Chances are, this will make it easier for you to show interest in the bedroom.
  • Get in better shape. Take care of yourself physically. It will help with mobility and stamina and lead you to feel better all the way around.
  • Work through past issues. Work with a counselor to dismantle the effects of past abuse, wrong messages, depression, anxiety, or anything else that might be interfering with your sex drive.
  • Be intentional. Don’t put sex at the back of the line of things to do. Don’t give it the left-overs of your time and energy. Think about it. Set aside time. Schedule. Plan. Be as intentional about this part of your marriage as you are with other parts.

A WORD TO THE OTHER SPOUSE

All of this has been written for the spouse who has a low sex drive.

But if you’re the one who struggles because your spouse seems to have no sex drive, then you probably feel you have little to no control over whether your spouse actively does something about their low sex drive. It can leave you feeling like you have no options when it comes to your own needs.

In the next post, we’re going to try to address the needs of the spouse who is living with someone who doesn’t seem interested in sex. So stay tuned.

If You and Your Spouse Are Drifting…

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It comes on slowly. It comes on gradually. But, if you’ve been married for any length of time, I’m guessing you have felt it.

The conversations have begun to fall off. The time you spend together in the car or at a restaurant is starting to feel as awkward as a first date. When you do talk, it’s mostly about the kids, or work, or what needs to be done around the house. There’s not as much joking, not as much affection, not as much sex. You’ve become more like business partners and roommates than life partners and adventurers.

This is marital drift. It’s a slow and gradual fade in the relationship. No one likes it, and we all say the fade won’t happen to us. But like your favorite shirt that has been washed too many times…It just happens.

If you’ve experienced it, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you will.

It’s unrealistic to think that you will dodge the bullet of marital drift. So a better use of your time and energy is to prepare for it, so you’ll be ready when it happens.

Here are three steps that you can take when you find your relationship with your spouse drifting…

DON’T PANIC…accept it.

As I said, this is normal for marriage. The more demands and responsibilities a marriage accumulates, the easier it is for spouses to drift.

Marital drift is not a sign that your marriage is bad or over. Even great marriages will experience some drift from time to time. So don’t panic. When you panic over marital drift you begin to try too hard, or blame too much, or compare your marriage to others too often.

These things will make matters worse. So stay calm. Marital drift is normal from time to time.

DON’T IGNORE IT…address it.

Just because it’s normal for a marriage relationship to drift from time to time doesn’t mean you should ignore it. Ignoring it would be like ignoring the check engine light in your car. It may be minor when you see the light, but if you ignore it long enough it could lead to major damage.

First, pay attention to the ways and times in which you find yourself drifting from your spouse. Don’t beat yourself up or blame it on your spouse. Just take note of when and where you feel the drift.

Then, ask your spouse if they have felt any drifting in the relationship. Don’t be accusatory, and don’t get your feelings hurt if they haven’t noticed it…or if they blame it on something other than what you think. This just means their focus is different than yours. Still, asking will plant a seed for them to think about.

DON’T SIT ON IT…act on it.

If you recognize the drift but do nothing, it will continue and possibly get worse. Nothing changes without some effort. So here’s a plan…

Start with your contributions.

We all want to start with what our spouse is doing or not doing, but start with your own contributions. Maybe it’s become a habit for you to focus less on your spouse and more on other things. You could be giving more of your attention to the kids, the house, work, hobbies, or something else. Certainly, there will be times when these things need a little extra attention. But if it’s become a habit to focus more on these things than on your spouse, then start with that.

FYI…you may find that the more you focus on changing your contributions the more your spouse will drift back towards you.

Next, approach your spouse.

If addressing your contributions hasn’t produced sufficient change, then you may need to approach your spouse. But don’t approach them in a blaming or demanding way. This will cause them to drift further from you.

  • Find a good time for this. Don’t approach them when they’re burdened and stressed out about things. Find a time when they’re relaxed and feeling good. It could be when the two of you are out to dinner, but whenever it is, pick your time well.
  • Start by telling your spouse how much you appreciate them. Talk about the things you admire about them. But be sincere, and don’t lay it on too thick. Be genuine.
  • Tell them that you’ve got a problem you can’t seem to fix. DO NOT tell them “we” have a problem and “you” need to do something about it. Keep it focused on you. Let them know you would really love and appreciate their help with your problem. Then tell them one thing you really miss in your relationship. Don’t give them a laundry list. Just give them one thing. And make it a simple and easy thing to accomplish. Then, don’t expect them to hardily agree with you, don’t expect things to change immediately, and don’t keep bringing it up.

Give Them Space and Affirmation.

Give them space and time to think about it and make a move on their own. And when your spouse does something that makes you feel good and draws you closer to them, stop right then and there and tell them how much that means to you…even if it’s not the thing you asked for. You would be surprised at how much our spouses need affirmation, and how much that affirmation will motivate them.

The above steps are not a magical cure to marital drift. They are just a way to begin redirecting the drift. They will take effort and patience…but doesn’t everything in marriage?

A FINAL WORD

Your relationship will never be everything it was when you were dating or first married. Things were different then. You were different then. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to keep drifting further and further apart. There are things you can do to reclaim and refit the marriage you have now.

So if you’re experiencing a drift in your relationship with your spouse, relax. Marital drift is often normal, but it should not be left to itself. To sum it up…

If your marriage is drifting…don’t panic…paddle!

1 Samuel 20 – Deep and Meaningful Friendships

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Do you have close friendships? The fast paced and high pressured world in which we live often prevents us from having the time we need to develop deep and meaningful friendships.

David and Jonathan were close friends. You can see this in 1 Samuel chapter 20. In fact, in our day of gender diffusion, reading about two men who were so emotionally close and demonstrative can lead a reader to believe they had more than just a friendship. But there is no indication in Scripture that this was the case…especially since both men were dedicated to the law of God which forebode anything else.

Like David and Jonathan, we all deeply yearn for friendships that are consistently loving and unswervingly loyal. We look for close friendships with people who will commit to us…not because they have to, but because they want to.

God longs to have this kind of relationship with us. It’s why He came to us in the form of Jesus…so we could see this kind of relationship in tangible form.

But if this is what we want, why do we so often fail to experience it?

Jesus said…

“Give and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” (Luke 6:38 ESV)

If you’re not receiving deep and meaningful relationships with God and with others, could it be that you’re not giving that kind of relationship? If so, what are you afraid of? Take some time and ponder these questions. It could renovate your relationships.

1 Samuel 5-6 – When God Parents Teens

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Parent is a difficult job, no matter the age of your children. But it is especially difficult to parent teens. Teens strongly demonstrate and exercise their self-will. They are also very good at diverting blame and misrepresenting loving discipline as punitive retribution.

1 Samuel chapters 5-6 portray the Israelites much like teenagers. In chapter 4, the Israelites independently do what they want to do, without consulting God. Because of this (and previous offenses,) they bring about a disconnect in the relationship…symbolized by their separation from the Ark of the Covenant.

As a good parent, God works behind the scenes (unbeknownst to them) to reconnect the relationship and return the Ark. Like teenagers, the Israelites are happy to receive the blessing of the Ark’s return, but they continue to do what they want to do. They continue to treat God with casual disrespect. And when God disciplines them for this attitude, the Israelites respond as if God is to blame (1 Sam. 7:2)

Too often, I respond to my Heavenly father as if I’m a teenager. I want what I want, when I want it. I’m glad to receive His benefits, but hurt when He disciplines me. And I’m usually more concerned with Him not leaving me, then with me not leaving Him.

I tend not to recognize:

  • All He did behind the scenes to restore our relationship.
  • The fact that He, more often than not, is the one who makes the first move to restore the relationship.

Yes, 1 Samuel chapters 5-6 make theological statements about the omnipresence of God in a pagan culture. And yes, you see teachings about God’s sovereignty and holiness. But mostly you see a God who goes out of His way to move towards His children…even when they have rebelled and disconnected from Him.

Be grateful God has a heart for teenagers…like us!

Deuteronomy 11 – The Freedom to Choose

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“Life would be so much better if I could just get people to do what I want them to do.” Much of our stress and frustration is due to wishing, expecting and trying to get people to do what we want them to do.

Deuteronomy chapter 11 reminds us that God is the only one in existence who has the power to make people to do what He wants them to do…and He doesn’t do it! He lets people choose (Deuteronomy 11:26) God spells out our options and the consequences for those options. He also urges and encourages us toward the better choice. But He won’t make that choice for us.

If God can save us difficulty and problems by making us do what we’re suppose to do, why doesn’t He?

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