The other day, I was cleaning out some files and came across a poem, written by a divorced mom on behalf of her two children. The poem had no title, so I’ve given it the title: “My Daddy Doesn’t Live Here.” It’s heartbreaking to read, but it’s a good reminder of how divorce affects kids.
“Forgiveness does not override memory. Forgiveness overrules memory.” Bret Legg
Decisions, decisions, decisions. Sometimes marriage can feel like an endless stream of decisions. Even if you decide not to make a decision…that’s still a decision!
These decisions come in a variety of shapes and sizes.
There are minor decisions like: Where do we go to eat? Who cleans up after the dog? What movie will we watch? Who will take out the trash?
Then there are major decisions like: Is it time to have a baby? Should we change careers and move? What should we do about our wayward teen? How do we care for our aging parents?
Dorothy began as a wide-eyed, little girl; innocent and dressed in gingham. She loved her family, she loved her dog, and she dreamed of a wonderful place beyond the rainbow.
She didn’t plan a fearful encounter with Elmira Gultch, and she didn’t expect the unsympathetic responses of her family and friends. She wasn’t prepared for the cyclone that would sweep her away and leave her in an unrecognizable place called Oz.
Everything that happened to land Dorothy in Oz was not of her making and completely out of her control.
But once she was there…like it or not…she had to decide what she was going to do. She had to decide whether she would listen to those who said they wanted to help her. She had do decide whether to stay where she was, or begin walking towards a hopeful exit. She had to decide whether to allow others to share in her journey, or try to go it alone. She had to decide whether or not to take the road out of Oz.
Once she made the decision to leave Oz, she quickly found it would not be an easy road. There would be times when hope would seem just within her grasp, only to cruelly slip out of reach at the next stop. On this road, bright meadows and the lush cornfields would suddenly be replaced with dark woods and ominous castles.
The road out of Oz didn’t bring Dorothy to a place where everything was made right. Instead, the road out of Oz brought her to a place where things were made better. She was wiser, stronger, and no longer needed to run away when she felt threatened. She came to realize that what she needed was already with her. When the final credits rolled, Dorothy hadn’t left the farm, but she was in a better place.
The road out of Oz is the same for victims of sexual abuse. Though every woman’s experience is unique to her, there are some things about the road that are the same for all.
You didn’t plan to be victimized sexually. You didn’t plan on the wide variety of reactions your abuse would produce in you, or in others. You didn’t plan to get caught up in this whirlwind, nor did you plan on winding up where you are now.
But now that you have awakened to what has happened and where it has left you, you have some decisions to make. Will you decide to listen to those who can help you, or will you decide to reject their help out of distrust? Will you decide to stay where you are, or will you decide to start walking out of your Oz? Will you decide to let others who are in need join you on your journey, or will you decide to go it on your own?
Like Dorothy, your road out of Oz will not be an easy one. There will be times when you will experience the bright meadows of hope, and times when you will experience the dark forests of despair. There will be times when arrival at the Emerald City seems within your reach and times when the dark castle of resistance stands in your way.
And when you come to the end of your journey, everything will not be “right” or “fixed.” The horrible injustice of your abuse will not magically evaporate. Your abuser may never pay for what they did, or even acknowledge it. But when the credits roll, you will realize that you have what it takes to find your way. You will be better. You will be stronger. You will be in a better place.
If you have been the victim of sexual abuse, I know the thought of making this journey can be fearful and overwhelming. I know there is a level of uncertainty about the journey that can feel unnerving.
But I also know you can make this journey. I know you can take your road out of Oz. I’ve seen many women reclaim themselves and their lives by making this journey, and it’s my prayer that you will find what you needed to step out of the rubble of the cyclone of abuse and start taking steps on the road out of Oz.
“Take risks: if you win, you will be happy; if you lose, you will be wise.” Anonymous
There are some things in life that seem like a good idea at the time, but later cause you to ask, “What was I thinking?”
Maybe it was that person who seemed so good on the first couple of dates that later left you asking, “What was I thinking?” Maybe it was training for that half marathon that caused you to say, “What was I thinking?” Or maybe it was that job change that looked good on paper, but left you wondering, “What was I thinking?” (For more ideas, take a look at your high school yearbook pictures.)
Having kids can be one of those things that seems like a good idea at the time, but can leave you wondering, “What was I thinking?”
The credits are one of the most neglected parts of a movie. Unless you’re a true movie buff, when the credits roll you probably feel the movie is over and get up to go. It’s a rare individual that stays and reads all those names and positions racing quickly up the screen.
But if it weren’t for the people listed in the credits, there would be no movie. Each one of those people played a specific part in bringing the movie to the screen. Directors, actors, script writers, costume designers, special effects artists…there’s a long list of people who added something to the making of the movie. Recognizing these people is important.
As you work through your sexual abuse, a lot of time and attention is given to the antagonist of your story…the abuser(s). Early in the process, the abuser(s) tend to get top billing and most of the screen time.
Then later on, as you move through the process, the attention tends to shift to the protagonist of the story…you. As you learn new ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving, you get more of the billing and more of the screen time.
As you come to the end of the process, it is really easy to feel like “this movie is over,” and quickly move on to something else. But there is still one more part to your “movie” that you don’t want to ignore. You need to take the time to credit all the people who have played a positive and helpful part in bringing you to this point.
This could be counselors, doctors, spouses, family members, close friends, or total strangers who unknowingly offered you words of kindness and acts of support. This supporting cast of people is an important part of your story and should not be glanced over. Their investment in your life, both big and small, have contributed to you arriving at this point in your movie. They deserve your recognition and gratitude before you move on.
Take some time to think about everyone who has contributed to your care and growth. Make a list of the people and their contributions…big and small. Think of their good gifts to you. Express your gratitude, if not to them, then to someone else. Don’t leave this movie without rolling the credits that are due.
It’s Monday morning, I’m walking in our neighborhood, and it’s the first day of school. School buses are crisscrossing the neighborhood like bees swarming a hive. Parents and children are gathered in groups along the streets. Kids are dressed in new school clothes and toting new book bags. Parents are lining up fidgety kids for those infamous first day of school pictures, while cheerily encouraging them about what a great day it will be and what a great year they’re going to have. It’s the first day of school!
Do you remember your first day of school? What about your first day of high school? Your first day of college? Your first day on the job? Your first day of marriage? Your first day as a parent? Your first day as an empty nester? Your first day of retirement?
Life is full of “first days.” As the cliché goes, “Today is the first day of the rest of your life.”
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung.
With the words “There’s no place like home” still ringing in her ears, Dorothy slowly opens her eyes to discover she is home. It’s still the same old home. She is still surrounded by the same sepia drabness of the Kansas farm. She is still looking at the same family and friends she has always faced. And those family and friends are treating her much like they always did. It’s as if she never really left.
But even though everything around her may look the same, Dorothy knows that something is different. She knows that she is different. She has learned she can overcome the obstacles before her and rise above the status quo. She has learned she can face difficult things without running from them. She has learned how to thrive in less than desirable situations.
She has taken the road out of Oz.
The music swells, the screen fades to black, and the credits roll.
At the end of your journey – after all of the strange things you have seen and experienced, and after all the new things you have heard and learned – you still have to go back to the real world. You may not be going back to the exact people and places of your abuse, but you still have to go back to the people and places that were a part of your life when you started your journey. In many ways, things will look the same and people will act the same. In some ways, it will be as if you never took the journey.
But you will know that something is different. You will know that you are different. You have overcome obstacles, risen above the status quo, learned to face difficulties without running away, and discovered how to make the best of a bad situation.
You have taken the road out of Oz, and it has changed you for the better.
There will be no music swell. No fade to black. No rolling of the credits. Because this will not be the end of a movie. It will be the start of a larger and more cinematic life. The beginning of a much better story!