I was driving to work one morning in a bit of a funk. It had been a long and taxing week and I was just feeling a little…blah!
I had my favorites playlist on shuffle when a song pulled me out of my fog. Actually, it was the following line that captured my attention…
“This house is just an address. You’re my home.”
I immediately hit the “back” button to hear the song from the beginning. The song is called “Home” by singer-songwriter Ellis Paul. In it, a husband tells the vivid story of the night their house burnt down. The first verse has him watching his wife dreaming in bed while, unbeknownst to them, smoke was rising in the halls. And by the third verse, the two of them are standing outside like statues watching the roof crash down.
But the song keeps coming back to this chorus…
Home is the woman across the table Home is dreaming in my sheets Home…Home This house is just an address, you’re my home
As I listened to this song, my perspective began to change and my blah gave way to blessing.
How easy it is for us to focus on the pursuit of an address and all the stuff that goes along with it.
A nicer house in a nicer neighborhood.
A bigger garage to hold bigger toys.
Remodeling, landscaping, and upgrades.
And on and on it goes.
There’s nothing wrong with these things, but they are just part of an address. They aren’t home.
Home is across the table from you. Home is hogging the covers or keeping you awake with their snoring. Home is fussing about your annoying habits one minute and telling you they love you the next. Home is handing you a to-do list then fixing you a drink. Home is the eyes of the one who said “I do,” and still does.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to remind us of this, but home is not the roof over your head, but the people under your roof.
So don’t focus so much on the possessions you own. Focus on the people you’ve been given. They are what makes your house a home, and if you don’t treasure them…all you’ll have is a house.
We say this when someone who is supposed to care about us is not responding as we hoped or expected. The underlying message is, “If you loved me, you would keep me from hurt, struggle, and difficult times.”
1 Kings chapter 17 raises this issue. As the chapter begins, God is taking care of Elijah’s needs in the face of a drought and king Ahab’s anger. God gives Elijah a place to hide, a brook from which to drink, and birds that bring him food. But then the brook dries up.
“God, if you loved me, you wouldn’t dry up the brook.”
Then God directs Elijah to a widow in Zarephath who is supposed to feed him. But when he gets there, the widow only has enough for one small meal.
“God, if you loved me, she wouldn’t be running out of food.”
The widow obeys Elijah’s instructions and they wind up with plenty of food. But then, just as everything is going well, the widow’s son dies.
“God, if you loved me, you wouldn’t have allowed him to die.”
Then, God uses Elijah to bring the son back to life…(and the saga continues.)
Why is it, when things are going well, God seems to allow something to mess it up?
I believe these unwelcome events are important and necessary. How would the hero of a story ever gain the trust and loyalty of others if they never faced a villain or threatening situation?
In 1 Kings chapter 17, each time there’s a dead-end, God reveals Himself in a new and powerful way. And each time God meets the new challenge, the people become stronger in their faith and more confident in their God.
The thing that makes us say, “God if You loved me you wouldn’t…,” is the very thing God uses to show His love for us. Because it’s the difficulties that develop our faith and trust.
We’ve all seen them. They’re in the magazines that line the grocery store check-out aisles. They’re scattered throughout our social media feeds. They are written by academics, psychologists, and freelance writers. And they have titles that dare us to see how we measure up.
What are they? They are those lists of characteristics that supposedly make up a healthy marriage.
As a pastoral counselor, I might glance over such a list to see how practical and realistic it is. But I don’t spend a lot of time with such lists, because…
Marriage is not lived by checking off boxes on some list.
Lists are nice and neat, whereas marriage is complicated and messy.
No two marriages are the same.
We tend to focus more on where we don’t measure up to the list, than on where we do.
Once you hold such a list up to your marriage, how do you grade yourself?
But, having said all that, I’m about to eat my words. Because I’ve come across a healthy marriage checklist that’s practical and fits with much of what I see in my counseling office.
I’ve taken Lewis and Gossett’s list on the essential characteristics of a healthy marriage and reworded it as follows to fit my more casual approach to things. But the list is in essence, theirs.
According to Lewis and Gossett, healthy marriages have these things in common:
Power is shared.
Both spouses hold power equally in the relationship. Neither feels dominated and neither dominates. Both can speak into issues and both have equal say in decisions.
There is a good balance of togetherness and separateness.
Both spouses enjoy and even prefer being together, but neither is threatened when the other has outside interests, activities, and friendships. Each spouse has their own identity, along with some healthy autonomy.
Opinions and perspectives are respected and welcomed.
Each spouse is encouraged to share their views, and their views are not dismissed. They are listened to, understood, and respected. To ignore a spouse’s opinions and perspectives is disrespectful to them and destructive to the relationship.
Feelings are welcomed and encouraged.
It’s easy for spouses to get uncomfortable when feelings are brought into the mix because feelings can make things seem highly charged and difficult to control. But, as spouses, we are a package deal, and you can’t welcome your spouse without welcoming their feelings. But remember…feelings must be expressed appropriately and safely in order to be accepted.
Conflicts do not escalate or get out of hand.
Conflict is a normal and necessary part of marriage. It’s a part of two people learning to live and work together. In fact, a marriage without some conflict is not healthy. The health of a marriage is not found in the absence of conflict but in the ability to channel conflict in ways that are productive and helpful to both spouses. This means that: differences are tolerated, the conflict is not generalized or personalized, and resolution is typically achieved.
Spouses share basic values.
This does not mean that spouses are clones of one another, agreeing on everything. What it means is that the couple tends to have the same values when it comes to what they feel is important in life. These couples agree on things like how to raise a family, religion and its place in the family, financial security, morality, etc.
There is flexibility.
Life never goes the way we plan. It tends to throw us curve balls. Children come, jobs change, finances ebb and flow, children leave the nest, illnesses become severe, and retirement becomes a reality. The couples that can anticipate change, roll with the punches, and realign with the current reality will do better than those who can’t.
WHAT TO DO WITH THE LIST
You may be the kind of person who says, “I don’t need to live by no stinking list!” If so, feel free to ignore it the way I do other lists.
But there’s something basic about this list. It’s practical and adaptable, and it makes sense. So don’t toss it out without some thought.
Then, if you believe the list has some merit…
Put a check beside the ones that apply to your marriage.
Once you’ve done that, pat yourself on the back and celebrate those.
Then, put a star beside the ones you still need to work on.
Next, pick one of these and talk to your spouse about it.
See if the two of you can come up with one thing you could do to make it better.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
And if you’re still having trouble with the idea of a list for marriage, try thinking of it as a recipe. A recipe for cooking up something good.
In the movie “Groundhog Day,” a self-centered and difficult man relives the same day over and over again. Each day, the same people say the same things. The same songs play at the same time on the radio. And the same people have the same flat tire at the same spot each day. There seems to be no way to stop history from repeating itself.
1 Kings chapters 15-16 feel like Groundhog Day. With each king, the story’s the same. The new king follows in the old king’s idolatry, false worship, pride, and arrogance. Over and over again, the kings change, but the story remains the same.
But, there is one bright spot in these two chapters.
In 1 Kings chapter 15, you read about King Asa. Asa chose to do something different. He broke the mold and followed after God. He obeyed God’s commands, destroying idols and pagan temples. And he led the people back to faithfulness to God. Asa was like the sun breaking through the dark clouds of the times.
We need someone like Asa to stand up and break the cycle of darkness.
Each of us is called to be that someone. It starts by focusing on changing things within us before we try to change around us.
In the movie “Groundhog Day,” the main character eventually escaped repeating the same day over and over again. And he did it by daily making a positive change in himself and learning to focus on others more than himself. Consequently, he woke up one day and things were different.
That’s what Asa did, and that’s what we’re called to do. If you’re tired of living the same story over and over again, then you need to do something different. And you need to start with what’s going on inside of you before you try to change what’s going on around you.
In the spirit of full disclosure, let me say this is a post I need to take to heart as much as anyone. Just ask my spouse.
A STORY
Not long ago, a friend of mine told me that in the spring he likes to go mushroom hunting. It piqued my interest because this is something that I used to do with my mom when I was a kid. I told him that my 88-year-old mother (whose age and mobility issues have made mushroom hunting a distant memory) still gets wistful every spring as she misses the joy of feasting on fresh-picked mushrooms.
A few days later, my friend showed up at my office with some fresh-picked mushrooms for my mom. I was truly overwhelmed by such a kind and thoughtful gesture toward my mom…and me.
The next day, I called mom and told her I wanted to bring her to our house for dinner. When we got to the house, I told her that she was going to have to cook her own dinner, and I showed her the mushrooms. Her eye widened, her mouth dropped, and I literally heard her gasp for joy. It was just a handful of mushrooms, but her reaction rivaled any Christmas morning reaction I’ve seen from my kids or grandkids.
She savored every minute of cooking and eating those mushrooms. And when I took her back to her assisted living apartment, she was telling everyone she saw about cooking and eating mushrooms. As I drove away, I was so grateful for a small surprise, and for the friend who made it possible.
SMALL SURPRISES
My mom’s reaction to these mushrooms reminded me of what a big impact small surprises make.
All too often, we think we have to do big things to make a big impact. We think we have to buy a big house, take a big vacation, bring home a big salary, or give big gifts to make a big and lasting impact on our spouse.
But ironically, it’s the small surprises, not the big ones, that touch our spouse’s heart and give them something to cherish. I’m talking about small things that anybody (on any budget) can do. Things like…
Giving an unexpected card for no particular reason.
Bringing home their favorite candy.
Sending a text in the middle of the day, just to tell them how much you love them.
Cooking their favorite meal. (The one you rarely cook.)
Taking them to their favorite restaurant. (Especially if it’s one you typically avoid.)
Bringing home flowers when you’re not in trouble.
Planning a day for them to do their favorite thing…with or without you.
Taking the kids off their hands for an evening.
Preparing them a luxurious bath with soft lights, a nice drink, AND NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
Taking them away for one kid-free night. (Even if it’s somewhere close to home.)
When we were dating and first married, we surprised our spouse often. That’s part of the reason we felt so in love. But the longer we’re married, the more we let such things fall by the wayside, only to wonder why we don’t feel the way we use to about one another. (I stand guilty as charged!)
BIG IMPACT
As we said, you would think it would be the big surprises that make the biggest impact. So why do small surprises make such a big impact? Small surprises make a big impact because they show your spouse…
You’re thinking about them.
They’re important to you.
You took time out for them.
You want them to be happy.
You still love them.
Small surprises will leave strong positive memories stamped on your spouse’s heart and soul. And your spouse will carry those memories with them long after the surprise is complete…and long after you’re gone.
WHERE TO START
Small surprises are a guaranteed home run in a relationship, and they cost very little in time and effort. So, if you’re wondering how to get started, let me give you some ideas:
Take out a sheet of paper and start making a list of all the small ways you could surprise your spouse. You can start with the list above and then build on that. Make the list long. The longer, the better.
After you’ve made a good long list, then every Monday look at the list and pick one surprise to do.
Decide when you’re going to pull off this surprise.
Follow through by carrying out the surprise. And don’t call attention to yourself or expect anything in return.
Then repeat this process the following Monday.
When you’ve gone through your entire list, then start over from the beginning or make a new list. You’ll eventually start to watch and listen for things your spouse might like, and you’ll get to the point where you don’t even need the list. You’ll just know what to do.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
Just a little gasoline can create a much bigger fire. In the same way, small surprises have a way of enlarging the flame of your relationship. And they’re easier and cheaper than marriage counseling and divorce court.
It happens. You open up your news feed or turn on the news, and you hear about someone with a lot of promise and with everything going for them who threw it all away on bad choices and wrong living. It’s not only sad, it’s mystifying. All you can do is shake your head and think, “What a waste!”
This is the feeling you get from 1 Kings chapter 14. Both Jeroboam and Rehoboam had been given great opportunities. God had given each of them a kingdom and a promise to meet their needs and desires if they would simply follow and obey Him. Yet, they took God’s goodness toward them as a sign they were invincible and they did whatever they wanted.
We can read 1 Kings chapter 14 and say, “What a waste,” but aren’t we prone to demonstrate the same type of behavior?
When things are going well, we tend to let down our guard and become less disciplined and vigilant. We do more of what we want to do and less of what we need to do, acting as if God’s blessings are going to just keep coming…even though our actions are less and less worthy of blessing.
We must remember that every blessing we experience is a gift from God. (James 1:17) We need to realize that we have been bought with the great price of Christ’s life. We should honor and obey God out of gratitude, rather than honor ourselves by doing whatever we want. (1 Cor. 6:20)
Don’t take for granted the blessings of God and your need to gratefully obey His directions. Don’t live your life in such a way that someone might someday look at your life and say, “What a waste!”
We’re all a little immature when we get married. It’s ok to be immature when you get married, but it’s not ok to stay that way! Here’s how can you spot an immature spouse…
This is my wedding photo. When I look at this photo, I can’t help but notice how young and immature I was.
I was only 21 years old.
I was a country boy who had hardly been out of the county in which I lived.
I had little education.
I had never seen a wedding, let alone been in one.
My parent’s marriage was difficult rather than exemplary.
I didn’t have a close relationship with my father and had no instruction on how to be a man, let alone a husband or father.
The 3 years my bride and I had dated were mostly long-distance; leaving me with no idea of what it was like to spend extended periods of time together.
And to top it all off…a few hours after this photo was taken, we moved 600 miles away from home and family to start new jobs.
It’s frightening to think of my level of immaturity at the time. Looking back on it now, it seemed like a train wreck waiting to happen.
But somehow, we made it. We learned to overcome our immaturity and put each other first. It didn’t happen overnight, and immaturity still shows its face occasionally…even after 41 years of marriage.
IS IMMATURITY WRONG?
Here’s the thing. We’re all a little immature when we get married. Before we’re married, life is about “me.” “After we’re married, life is about “us.” And it can be a steep learning curve to shift from “me” to “us.”
The point is this…It’s ok to be a little immature when you get married, but it’s not ok to stay that way!
THE TREND OF IMMATURITY.
I’m concerned about a trend I see in my pastoral counseling practice. I feel like I’m seeing an upswing in marital strife, and more and more of it seems to be about immature spouses. These spouses are not young newlyweds. They are older and have been married for a while! And while immaturity in marriage is not gender-specific, I tend to see it more in husbands than in wives. (Sorry guys!)
THE SIGNS OF IMMATURITY.
So, how can you spot an immature spouse?
Below are some of the signs you can look for to spot an immature spouse. (Note: Use this list to identify immaturity in yourself first, and don’t use it as a club with which to beat up your spouse.)
They focus more of their non-work time and energy on themselves than on their spouse.
They usually feel they’re right and need things to go their way.
They’re quick to blame others, rather than own their responsibility.
They feel a sense of entitlement, more than a sense of gratitude.
They have to be forced to be sacrificial, rather than freely offering it.
They want their spouse to understand them more than they want to understand their spouse.
They tend to see things as either right or wrong, and can’t see possibilities in-between.
They expect to receive more apologies from their spouse than they’re willing to give.
They get mad, pout, or withdraw, rather than talking things out.
They spend more time talking about respect than they do earning it.
They feel they have to be dominant to get what they want.
They become passive-aggressive if they don’t get what they want.
They make decisions that affect their spouse, without checking with them.
They give more ultimatums that compromises.
Their wants and needs tend to come before their spouse’s wants and needs.
SOME THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT THIS LIST…
This is a brutal list.
No one wants to be associated with such a list. So when reading through it, it’s easy to quickly apply it to your spouse rather than yourself. It’s also easy to quickly defend why we might fit some of the things on the list. But look over the list again, and try to be as honest as you can about yourself before reacting.
All of us are guilty of these on occasion.
I’ve been guilty of everything on that list at times. (And I’ve got the scars to show for it!) But if you find one or more of these to be true frequently, or more often than not…then you may have an immaturity problem.
It’s not easy to see these things in ourselves.
If you’re brave and really want to know your immaturity level, ask someone who knows and loves you to weigh in. And if you’re really brave, ask your spouse. Don’t be surprised if your spouse is hesitant to respond. But assure them that it’s not a trick and you really want to know. Then listen openly and carefully. Don’t react. It could be a good time of growth for both of you.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
The cure for immaturity is to get your eyes off of yourself. See your spouse for who they are and what they need. Serve your spouse in ways that put them first and lift them up.
I’m not talking about being a subservient doormat. I’m talking about being a mature, loving, adult partner. At times, this may require having some hard conversations which will not always be received well…especially if your spouse has an immature issue.
But growing up and being mature (no matter your age) is the best way to have a real, honest, and lasting marriage that goes the distance.
“Have you ever watched a movie and thought… “Wait a minute? That’s not supposed to happen!”
I feel that way after reading 1 Kings chapter 13. The chapter starts off well. There’s a clear good guy and bad guy. The good guy confronts the bad guy. And the bad guy seems to change his ways, while the good guy seems to win, staying true to his cause.
But then, everything changes. One good guy deceives the other good guy. A good guy walks away from his code of honor and gets killed. And the original bad guy continues to be just as evil as he ever was!
What kind of movie is this?!
Unfortunately, it’s not a movie. It’s real life. We want:
Things in life to be clear cut, with a predictable plot.
The good guy to always win.
The husband and wife to get back together.
Children to stay pure and innocent.
The cancer to be cured.
Hard workers to be rewarded.
And there are times when things work out the way we want. But there are other times when the plot changes and the outcomes just feel wrong.
But know this…the plot does not control the movie. The Writer/Director does. And in the end, it is what He wants that will prevail.
Throughout 1 Kings chapter 13, God is still writing and directing, no matter how twisted the plot may seem to be. (see 1 Kings 13:1,4-5,21-22,24,28,34.)
Even though the plot may appear twisted and unjust at times, the Director still controls the plot. And His plans for us are always good (Jeremiah 29:11). (Note: Jeremiah 29:11 was given to the Jews, even though they had been defeated, deported, and taken as slaves in a strange land for 70 years. How’s that for a twisted plot.)
There is a Writer/Director Who loves us unconditionally. He is in control of the plot, and He will ultimately make things right, in His time. (Proverbs. 3:5)
It’s not a lack of communication that’s the problem in relationships. It’s a lack of good communication. But I want to explain to you how you can use UPS to deliver good communication in your relationships.
Communication can be boiled down to the simple act of receiving a message and then delivering a message…much like UPS. So we’re going to use the letters U-P-S to help you improve communication in your relationship.
