How am I suppose to find the answer to the question, “Are you a good lover?”
If I ask myself that question, my pride and ego would give a resounding “YES!” But if I’m honest, after thirty-seven years of marriage, I still feel awkward and clueless at times.
If I ask my wife that question, she would probably assure me that I’m a good lover. But how do I know she’s not just sparing my feelings. What if, after I go to sleep, she’s shaking her head in sad disbelief?
If I compare myself to what I see in the media, not only am I a bad lover, I probably belong in some sitcom.
If I go to the book store for answers, I find books that range from instruction manuals (with positions and parts) to pornographic fantasies (which would have my wife laughing hysterically and uttering “you can’t be serious” as she tries to catch her breath.)
If you look to the trend setters of the world, good lovers have hot bodies (strike one), are rich and famous (strike two), and have a long string of relationships with different people (strike three).
So are people like me…people with average lives, increasing body fat, an no gymnastic prowess…doomed to never measure up? Are we fated to be those lovers who are just “ok”?
If you’re like me, take heart. You can still be a phenomenal lover! You just have to make sure you’re measuring yourself against the right credentials…
- Being a good lover is not about sexual technique but relational tenderness. Don’t get me wrong. I believe spouses should talk about and work on their sexual technique as much as they work on their jobs, their parenting, their wardrobe, and their golf game. But let’s be honest…you will have sex a few times a week (or month, or year), but your relationship is 24/7. If you build an on-going relationship that is tender and caring, it will create a springboard for a better sex life.
- Being a good lover is not about how you touch your spouse physically, but how you treat them emotionally. I know some husbands who would argue with this, but it’s true. Even though a husband will respond better emotionally when his sexual needs are met, a husband who is emotionally neglected or berated by his wife will not be pacified by just having sex with her. When you tend to the emotional needs of your spouse, tending to their physical needs will come more easily and naturally.
- Being a good lover is not about thirty minutes of passion, but 30 years of commitment. Ok, maybe your sexual encounters are longer than thirty minutes! The point is, good lovers put more importance on commitment than coitus. Again, not that your sexual relationship is not important, but there will be times when things like schedules, stress, and old age will restrict and reduce your sexual engagement. Good lovers have a commitment to one another that outlasts their sexual activity.
To sum it all up, being a good lover is not about how good you are in bed, but how good you are in life.
The Bible says this about being a good lover…
“There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” – John 15:13
If you and I will consistently lay down our lives for the sake of our spouse, we will go down in history as not only being a good lover, but a great lover! (And we won’t throw our back out in the process!)
Are you a good lover? No matter how you rate yourself, there is always room for improvement. Look over the above list and ask yourself, “which of these do I need to improve upon, and what’s one thing that would help?”
Copyright © 2017 Bret Legg