Most of us have been taught that if we look hard enough, we will find some good in everyone.
But there’s a person in 2 Chronicles chapter 28 who challenges that. There, King Ahaz is portrayed as someone totally devoid of righteousness.
He followed after the false gods of his enemies and burned his own children as a sacrifice to these false gods. (2 Chron. 28:3)
He turned to his own resourcefulness and to pagan nations rather than to God.
He closed the temple of God and broke all its artifacts hoping to win the favor of pagan gods.
He wasn’t even deemed worthy to be buried with the other kings of Judah.
His enemies had more compassion and righteousness than Ahaz (2 Chron. 28:6-15)
No matter how hard you look, you cannot find anything good about king Ahaz.
He became this way through a series of refusals.
Refusals to hear God.
Refusals to humble himself before God.
Refusals to obey God.
God brought repeated defeat and hardship on Ahaz, hoping to get his attention and turn him around. But Ahaz became more deaf and disobedient to God. (2 Chron. 28:22)
Ahaz is so bad it’s hard to see what his story has to do with us. But think about it:
Have you ever responded to hardship by turning to your own resourcefulness, or looking to someone else for help, rather than God?
Though you’ve never sacrificed your children in fire, have you ever pursed your own desires to the point where you sacrificed your children?
Have you ever been tempted to turn away from God when it seemed that He was thwarting you more than helping you?
We might not be all bad, but we all have a little Ahaz in us. (Rom. 3:23) And every decision and attitude we entertain will either shape us more like Ahaz or more like God.
“What happened to us. We use to talk all the time, have fun together, send each other love notes, and be up for anything. And now it’s like we’re just roommates!”
I hear this a lot in my counseling office. And if you’ve been married for any length of time, you’ve probably said some of the same things, or at least thought them. How does this happen?
FROM ROMANCE TO ROOMMATES
We all want to feel like we did early in our relationship. Those were times of great communication, good fun, and intense sex. But no one can keep up that intensity of relational focus, attention, and effort forever. Life starts to get in the way. There are jobs to focus on, kids to tend to, and a host of other things that demand attention.
Feeling like you’ve moved from romance to roommates is a common occurrence in marriage. Some of it is simply maturing and getting comfortable in your relationship, and some of it comes from trying to manage the ever increasing onslaught of responsibilities. So don’t beat yourself up if you’ve slipped into roommate status.
But no one wants to stay in roommate status forever. If left unaddressed, roommate status will slowly suck the life out of your marriage.
If you want to turn around the “just roommates” feel of your marriage, you need to start by understanding how you got there.
HOW YOU GOT THERE
Remember when you first became interested in this person you now call your spouse? Though I don’t know you personally, I know that when you became interested in your spouse, two things happened:
You found yourself thinking about them more and more. They were increasingly on your mind. When you went to a new restaurant without them, you wondered if they would like it. You waited to seeing that new movie, because you didn’t want to see it without them. When out with friends, you found yourself wishing they were there too. They just began to occupy more and more of your thoughts.
You worked hard to win them. You began to do whatever you could to capture their attention and affection. You would go to movies that didn’t interest you. Talk about whatever they wanted to talk about. Take them to their favorite restaurant…even though it wasn’t your favorite. You did whatever you could to draw them to yourself.
In short, the more you thought about them, the more your affection for them grew. And the more you affection for them grew, the harder you worked to earn their attention and affection.
But then, the two of you said, “I do,” the honeymoon phase ended, and things gradually started to change. And here’s why:
When dating, you only had to be on your best behavior until the date was over. But now the date’s never over! You’re with each other all the time.
You start to see each other’s less than flattering side and their less than attractive habits.
You try to get each other to be like you remember, but this is met with bruised egos and defensiveness.
We start off working hard to earn the other’s attention and affection, but as the years pass, we shift to just expecting the other’s attention and affection. It’s this shift from earning to expecting that changes the marriage from romance to roommates.
HOW TO GET BACK
If your marriage seems to be stuck in roommate status, are you destined to live the rest of your life quietly staring out the restaurant window and substituting one-word answers for conversation? No!
If you’re in a roommate marriage, it doesn’t have to be a terminal diagnosis.
To find your way back from roommates to romance, you have to reverse the process that got you there. You have to quit expecting attention and affection and instead, start earning it again. How?
Think about them throughout your day.
If you’ve been in roommate status for a while, you may not find daydreaming about your spouse that appealing, so start by thinking about when you were dating or first married. Think about the reasons you married them in the first place. Think about your favorite memories with them. Go back through old photos to jump start those thoughts.
You’ll be surprised how this simple exercise will begin to warm your heart toward your spouse and rekindle a desire for them.
Then, take it to the next level and do something with those thoughts.
Get back in the habit of working to win them.
Think about how hard you worked in the beginning to get them to be interested in you. If you want to be more than roommates, you have to take on that same mentality and work like you did when you were dating:
Show interest in the things that interest them.
Look them in the eyes and listen closely when they talk.
Find ways to have fun and laugh together.
Leave them sweet notes and texts.
Meet their needs, even if they’re not your needs.
Spend more of your free time together than separate.
You may be thinking, “It was easy to do these things early in our relationship, because we were so in love. But now those feeling aren’t there. Doing those things now would seem contrived and hypocritical.”
But, you’re just in a different stage of your relationship now. Before, your feelings drove your actions. Now your actions must drive your feelings. And eventually, your feelings will kick in and take a bigger roll in driving your actions. It’s a loop. Feelings fuel actions and actions fuel feelings.
This is how you get out of roommate status.
A FINAL WORD…
So, I know that In the beginning, romance seemed easy, but it’s actually because we put a lot of work into it. Then, we stop working and we gradually slide from romance to roommates. Moving back to romance will also take work. But the difference is…now we’re not working to get them. We’re working to keep them!
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve not always been the best at this. I’m highly driven by my emotions, and when those loving emotions aren’t there I tend to withdraw rather than move closer with loving actions. (Just ask my wife.) So as I write these words, I’m preaching to myself first and foremost. And now that I’ve put this out there in public, my wife will be watching to see if I step up my game.
So, here’s hoping we all keep finding our way back from roommates to romance, because we’re all in this together.
“Pride goes before destruction, and haughtiness before a fall” (Prov. 16:18 NLT)
Sometimes (if not most of the time) we’re our own worst enemy. Especially when things are going well for us and we’re prospering. It’s during these times that we tend to forget God, whose goodness and blessing we’re enjoying. We become prideful and self-confident in times of ease and prosperity.
This is what you see in the lives of king Amaziah and king Uzziah, in 2 Chronicles chapters 25 through 27. Both kings start off honoring and obeying God, and because of that, God honors them with success, prosperity, fame, and power. But then, both kings become prideful and self-serving. God lifted them up, but their pride took them down.
How many times has this happened to us? We’ve been in a hard or threatening time of life. We’ve turned to God in need and dependence. God rescued and delivered us to a place of comfort and ease. Then we act as if we got ourselves out of the jam and we don’t really need him.
Never forget that if you don’t stay full of God, you will stay full of yourself. And that will be your downfall.
Go to any bookstore, browse the business and leadership section, and you’ll find many books that supposedly contain the secrets of success. People want to know the steps, the formulas, and the ingredients that will make them successful.
In 2 Chronicles chapter 24, you find one man’s story of success and failure. Joash is the seven-year-old boy-king whom Jehoiada the priest had hidden as an infant to protect him from assassination. He becomes a very successful ruler by engaging in three specific behaviors.
First, he focused on what mattered most…the presence and glory of God.
Second, he persistently planned and worked toward what mattered most.
Third, he had people in his life who were dedicated to what mattered most.
The right focus, the right effort, and the right influences led to Joash’s success.
But when Joash changed his focus, his efforts, and his influences, he became a great failure. To the point that his life fell apart and his people turned on him. (1 Chron. 24:17-23)
Ask yourself these questions:
What is my focus?
How do I spend my efforts?
Who are the people influencing me?
Honestly answering these questions will quickly reveal why your life is going in the direction it’s going. Don’t make the mistake that Joash made. Keep your focus, efforts, and influences on what matters most. The presence and glory of God.
On May 25, 1961, President John F. Kennedy made a very bold decision to land a man on the moon and return him safely to earth; and to do that before the end of the decade. That seemingly unreachable goal was reached and now seems rather mundane, because we currently have roving equipment on the planet Mars and future dreams of placing a man on Mars. But all of this came about because of a bold decision and courageous action.
You see the same thing in 2 Chronicles chapter 23. The chapter begins with an evil over-bearing queen Athaliah ruling over Judah and leading the nation into dark wickedness. The chapter ends with a descendant of David on the throne, a priest leading a nation in a fresh and strong commitment to God, and a peace reigning in the city of Jerusalem. This dramatic change was initiated by a bold decision by Jehoiada the priest at the beginning of the chapter and was carried out by his courageous actions in the rest of the chapter. Because of this, the chapter ends with a people rejoicing over a new king and a nation returning to its commitment to God.
It was a bold decision and courageous action that brought about the change.
What great change in your world is waiting on you to make a bold decision and take courageous action? What would be overturned and set right if you would but decide and act? What dreams would be reached and what moons would be walked on if you made a bold decision and followed up with courageous action? What is God calling you to do?
Here’s a common occurrence in counseling. A married couple comes into my office and tells me they love each other but they’re not in love with each other. The spark’s not there. They don’t feel a desire for one another. The chemistry’s gone. Things have become mundane, matter-or-fact, and boring. Neither are satisfied. They can’t figure out what’s wrong, but they don’t want to go on like this.
You may be thinking, “I’ve felt the same way about my marriage!” If so, I want you to take a deep breath and relax. This is normal. It happens to nearly every marriage at some point or another. I call it marital atrophy.
What is Atrophy?
Atrophy is defined as the gradual decline in effectiveness or vigor due to underuse or neglect.
We usually think of atrophy as something that happens to your muscles when you’ve been in a hospital and bedridden for
a while. You also think of atrophy when one of your limbs has been immobilized in a cast for some time.
Like muscles, a marriage can atrophy.
What Causes Marital Atrophy?
Marriages decline, lose vitality, and become ineffective from neglect and lack of use. Marriages atrophy when spouses…
Stop intentionally spending time with one another.
Fall into ruts and routines.
Allow familiarity to excuse a lack of communication.
Stop flirting with one another.
Allow sex to dwindle or become routine.
Quit treating each other with common courtesies.
Pay more attention to the kids than each other.
Stop intentionally connecting with one another.
Pay more attention to their own needs than to their spouse’s needs.
In short, marriages atrophies with spouses stop intentionally connecting with one another. And couples are more susceptible to marital atrophy at certain stages of marriage.
When small children are demanding a lot of time and energy.
When one or both spouses are trying to get careers off the ground.
When you’re in the throes of parenting a teenager.
When money is tight and conflicts are high.
Or, marital atrophy can set in…
When you’re feeling too comfortable in your relationship.
When things are going so well, you don’t feel like you need to try that hard.
When a lack of complaints leads each spouse to believe the other is ok.
In other words, marital atrophy can set in anytime a couple is feeling overwhelmed with demands, responsibilities, and schedules. Or, when couples feel like things are going so well they start to coast.
What Can You Do About Marital Atrophy?
Is there anything you can do to prevent marital atrophy; or at least turn it around? There is. But before I get to that, let me take you back in time. All the way back to before you were married. Remember when you were dating you current spouse and felt so much in love? What were the two of you doing at that time? If you’re like most couples…
You spent as much time as you could together.
You talked every chance you got.
You talked about what was on your heart.
You talked about your dreams for the future.
You did things with them you didn’t enjoy or wouldn’t necessarily do.
You sent little texts or left little notes.
You surprised the other with things they loved.
You put the other ahead of yourself.
You sacrificed for the other.
You wanted to be physically close with one another.
You were flirty and playful.
If these are the things you did when love was high, my question is this…if you feel your marriage has atrophied, could it be that you’ve stopped doing these things? Now, before you say anything, I can hear the excuses pouring in:
“Well, that was when we were younger.”
“We had more time then”
“We didn’t have all the stressors and demands then that we have now.”
“We don’t have as much to say then.”
“We weren’t as tired then as we are now.”
“We’re too busy now to do a lot of those little things.”
“We’ve allowed too much to come between us to feel playful.”
“We hadn’t accumulated the long list of hurts we have now.”
I know these excuses well. I’ve used a lot of them. But none of these excuses, no matter how valid they may be, will resurrect an atrophied marriage. You have to put in the work.
A Final Word…
Just like muscles that have atrophied, a couple whose marriage has atrophied needs to get moving and do the things they once did that made them feel so in love. You may think you don’t have the time or money for this at this stage of your marriage, but let me ask you this question: Do you have time and money for a divorce?
Is it hard? Yes. Is it a quick fix? No? Will your spouse always respond well? Maybe not. Will you get back to the level you were when you were dating? Probably not. But if the muscles of your marriage have atrophied, you have to start exercising them again. And once you do, you’ll be surprised what you can get back. You’ve nothing to lose by trying, and you just might get some of the old spark back in the process.
There are times in the life of a nation when corruption seems to be the only rule of government. Government leaders seem more loyal to their perks than their public. Officials publicly speak about honesty and morality, but later are found to be living dishonest and immoral lives.
During such discouraging times, people may cry out for a change, but they often feel anyone they put in office will just turn out the same. It can feel like a lost cause.
This was the climate in 2 Chronicles chapter 22.
Judah’s King Ahaziah was as corrupt as King Ahab of Israel. He even made some of Ahab’s family his advisors.
King Ahaziah’s mother (Athaliah) was even encouraging him to do wrong.
After Ahaziah was assassinated, Judah was left under the evil influence of his mother (Athaliah,) who assassinated any of her family members who might be an heir to the throne.
But, in the midst of all this corruption, one person decides to do the right thing. Jehosheba, the sister of the wicked queen mother, takes king Ahaziah’s infant son, Joash, and hides him so his grandmother won’t kill him. And because Jehosheba was willing to do what was right, Judah would later experience one of its greatest times of reform and revival.
Jehosheba’s act not only leads to national reform but also continues to speak to readers today. This should remind us that our actions – no matter how small or unnoticed – will have an impact later on.
So don’t get discouraged. Do what’s right. You can make a difference. Because what you do (no matter how small) will have a domino-like impact on the future.
What follows is a different type of post than I usually write. It’s less professional and more personal, so please forgive me if I take off my counseling hat for a moment and bare my soul.
The Anniversary
Last week my wife and I celebrated our 42nd wedding anniversary. Let me clarify upfront…that’s not the heartbreaking part! We’ve been together a total of 45 years and she’s still my best friend. I wouldn’t want to do life with anyone else, and hopefully, we’ll be chasing each other around the nursing home someday.
The Heartbreak
So what made it so heartbreaking? Was it the health issues we currently face? Was it the personal family things we’re currently walking through?
None of these led to my heartbreak. Though they’re not fun, they’re just a part of life, and the further down the road you travel, the more apt you are to hit some rough roads.
What broke my heart was that at the same time as our upcoming anniversary, I received word of four different marriages that were headed for divorce.
These were not rookie couples. They were couples with kids who had been married for over 10 years. They were couples who appeared to have promise and hope. They were couples with whom I had some sort of connection. And they were couples who were capable of rising above their issues and going on to have a great marriage together. But, for some reason, one or both spouses decided the marriage needed to end.
The Reality
I don’t want to minimize or trivialize the struggles they were facing. When you’re in the midst of such struggles, it’s easy to feel that things are insurmountable. Nor do I want to minimize or trivialize the efforts of those spouses who did everything they could do to keep their marriage together. Some of these spouses worked incredibly hard to save their marriage. But, as I’ve said before, marriage is a dance between two people. And sometimes you just can’t make your dance partner want to dance.
You might be thinking, “You’ve done marriage counseling for close to 30 years. You should be used to this by now.” But I’ve never been able to get used to divorce. (And I hope I never do.) No one dreams of being divorced. So to watch a couple who once vowed “till death do we part” wind up dividing property and kids because they believe they can’t make it work still breaks my heart.
Divorces will happen. We live in a complicated and messy world with complicated and messy people. Sometimes…
The hurt is too deep.
The personalities are too fixed and rigid.
The issues have been left unattended for too long.
The trust is too damaged.
I still want to believe that every hurting marriage can be restored. But sometimes divorce is just going to happen, no matter how hard you try.
The Plea
So, out of my heartbreak, I want to plead with you. Whether you‘ve been married for 2 or 42 years…
Don’t sweep things under the rug. Talk about them sooner rather than later.
Don’t ignore your spouse’s needs. If you can, meet those needs more often than not.
Don’t let yourselves drift apart, even in the hard seasons of marriage. Fight against that.
Don’t let legitimate responsibilities take priority over your most important responsibility…your spouse.
Don’t compare your marriage with others. Instead, focus on being the best couple you can be.
Don’t take things too personally. Not everything is about you. Sometimes it’s about them.
Don’t die on every hill. Some hills are just too small to die on.
Don’t let pride or embarrassment keep you from getting help when you need it. A happy marriage is worth anything.
Will these things insure that you’ll never go through a divorce? No. These things are investments, and occasionally the investment may not pay off. But doing these things will greatly improve the probability of avoiding divorce and of making the most out of your life together.
And to my wife: Thank you for sticking it out with me for the last 42 years…and not smothering me in my sleep! I owe you!
There are stories that make you say, “Why would someone do that?”
On October 2, 2006, a man walked into a one-room Amish school house in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania and killed five little girls before killing himself. He had a wife, kids, and a good job. He was unprovoked and he even knew some of the girls’ families. It makes you say, “Why would someone do that?”
This is my response when I read how Jehoram turned from God, in 2 Chronicles chapter 21. Jehoram’s grandfather was a beloved king who followed after God and led his people to do the same. Because of this, God blessed and protected the nation, causing them to be feared and honored among the other nations. Then, Jehoram’s father took over and (with two exceptions) also followed God and enjoyed God’s blessing and protection.
But when Jehoram takes over, he completely turns away for God. Why would someone do that?!
Perhaps it was because his father aligned himself with the wicked king Ahaziah. But that alliance cost Jehoram’s father greatly. So before he died and left Jehoram as king, Jehoram’s father would surely have cautioned Jehoram about turning away form God. Maybe Jehoram’s was rebellious and self-serving by nature. We just don’t know.
But we do know what happens when a person willfully turns away from God. They eventually suffer and lose control. They don’t achieve their desires; they achieve their nightmares. 2 Chronicles 21:20 tells us that when Jehoram died, no one was sad or sorry. I cannot think of a sadder epitaph.
We may not know why a person chooses a different path than the one God desires, but we know what the outcome will eventually be. So chose your path wisely.
I had a daughter who taught me the importance of asking the right questions. When she was a teen, If I asked how she did on an exam, she would say, “Good.” But if I asked her what grade she made on the exam…that was another story! It was important for me to ask the right questions.
It’s true in parenting, but it’s especially true in marriage. If you ask the wrong questions you’ll wind up looking in the wrong places and getting the wrong answers.
What are the Wrong Questions
So often, in marriage counseling, I find that couples are stuck because spouses are asking the wrong questions. Here are some examples of the wrong questions spouses ask:
Why can’t you see what I need you to do?
What keeps you from doing what I need you to do?
Why are you acting that way?
What’s it going to take to get you to see?
When are you going to let it go?
Why can’t you put things where they belong?
Why are you doing it that way?
What’s wrong with you?
Why Are These Questions Wrong?
These questions are not wrong in and of themselves. They can be excellent questions when you and your spouse both feel loved and appreciated. But typically we ask questions like these when we’re upset with our spouse.
If you’ll notice, the questions have one thing in common…the word “you.” These questions are all aimed like arrows at the heart and character of your spouse. And they’re usually delivered with a bit of a bite, frustration, or anger. These questions back your spouse into a corner, leaving them with only two options: fight back or knuckle under. And neither of these responses is good for your marriage.
What Are Some Better Questions?
If you’ve been asking the wrong questions, I want to encourage you to start asking better questions. Rather than focusing your questions on your spouse, focus them on yourself by asking yourself things like:
Why can’t I see what my spouse needs me to do?
What keeps me from doing what I need to do for my spouse?
Why am I acting this way?
What’s it going to take for me to see what I need to see?
When am I going to let some things go?
Why do I need things to be where I think they belong?
Why am I doing things a certain way?
What are the things that are wrong with me?
Why are These Questions Better?
Before we go any further, let me say, I don’t believe you’re the main problem in your marriage. Nor do I think your spouse is the main problem in your marriage. When there’s a problem in marriage, both spouses usually contribute to the problem. It may not be a 50/50 split. Sometimes it may be 60/40 or 80/20. But however it shakes out, you still have some contribution. And your contribution is the only thing you have any direct control over.
I can hear someone thinking, “That’s not fair! They get to keep doing what they’re doing while I’m the one who has to make all the changes?”
Not necessarily. First of all, “fair” is not always a realistic approach to things. I use to tell my children things like, “the world’s not fair,” and “fair is that place with Ferris wheels and cotton candy.” Sometimes in life, to get where you want to be, you have to focus on doing what you need to do, even when things don’t seem fair.
Secondly, when you change yourself, it can indirectly and positively affect your spouse. Maybe in doing what you should do, even when it’s not fair, your spouse will feel more loved, more appreciated, more seen, or more heard. And as a result, it will be easier for them to feel safe, let down their guard, and love your back.
A Final Word…
When you stop asking the wrong questions and start asking the right questions, it can be life-changing for your marriage. Can I guarantee that doing this will turn your marriage around? No. Marriage is a dance between two people, and sometimes your dance partner is too set in their hurtful ways to change. But, if asking the wrong questions is not getting you anywhere, It won’t hurt to try asking better questions.
