Bret Legg

The List – Insist on Doing Things As Your Family Did

by

My wife and I had only been married for six months, and it was Christmas eve. We had finished dinner, and I was preparing to watch some Christmas specials when it happened. She asked me a question that jarred me. It came out of nowhere. I hadn’t expected it. I couldn’t even believe she was asking it. But there, on Christmas eve, she had the nerve to ask me…”So, you want to open presents now?”

“What do you mean, ‘you want to open presents now?!’ It’s Christmas eve! You don’t open presents on Christmas eve! You open them on Christmas morning! That’s the way I’ve always done it!” It was quite the scene. But to be fair, she was just as incredulous when I suggested she cook a full breakfast of ham, eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, etc. on Christmas morning…because that’s the way my mom always did it.

Suddenly I realized that we grew up in families that did things very differently.

You don’t have to be married long to realize this. Perhaps…

  • Your mom cooked every evening, but your wife wants to go out and eat.
  • Your dad was handy at fixing anything, but your husband can’t do anything but call a repairman.
  • Your family went on nice family vacations, but your spouse’s family never went anywhere.
  • You were raised to pick up after yourself, but your spouse wasn’t.

You probably have other examples you could share, but when it comes to marriage, these are the types of things that dampen the relational magic and make things seem more like work.

WHY IS IT BAD TO INSIST ON DOING THINGS LIKE YOUR FAMILY?

Whether it’s holiday traditions or everyday ways of doing things, both you and your spouse come into marriage with different memories and experiences. Some of those memories and experiences you want to hold onto and recreate, while others of those you would rather change. But I can tell you that insisting that your spouse do things like your family did will hurt your marriage.

Maybe you’re just trying to recreate special moments from your childhood so your family can experience them too. There’s nothing wrong with that desire, but insisting on doing things as your family did is not good for the following reasons…

It’s disrespectful and belittling to your spouse and their family.

You come across sounding like the way your family did things was right and the way your spouse’s family did things was wrong. This is hurtful to your spouse and won’t win you any points.

You come across as dictatorial.

Insisting on getting your way is never endearing to your spouse. And it’s especially hurtful when you’re dictating against some of their traditions or ways of doing things. This will leave your spouse with only two options: (1) They can roll over and be subservient, but this is going to create hurt and bitterness on their part. Or, (2) they can become rebellious and refuse to do things the way you want. This will create anger and resentment on your part.

It keeps the two of you from forming new ways that are uniquely yours.

Many wedding ceremonies involve the lighting of a unity candle. The bride and groom each take a candle symbolizing their family, and together they use those two candles to light a candle that symbolizes the start of a new family. Scripture calls it, “the two becoming one.” This involves more than just consummating the marriage. It involves the two of you melting and merging your ways and approaches into something new and unique to the two of you. Insisting on doing things the way your family did is the opposite of that.

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?

It’s easy to say that the two of you should stop insisting on doing things as your families did, and instead find new ways to do things. But just how can you do that without becoming a doormat or a bulldozer?

Well, it will probably be a little different for each couple, but here are some general principles you can follow:

  • Don’t make fun of the way your spouse’s family did things. Even if your spouse makes fun of something they did, refrain from doing that yourself. Just think about how it stings when they do that to you.
  • Ask yourself if you want things a certain way because you think it’s best, or just because it preserves a special memory for you. So often, we want to do things the way our family did because we’re trying to preserve a memory or share it with our spouse or family. But often, those memories were for that time and that family, and now’s the time to make new memories with this family.
  • Each of you identify the things that are not so special to you and you’d be willing to change. Just because you have some special memories about something in your family doesn’t mean that everything was critical to that memory. Both of you figure out what you could do without and offer that up to your spouse.
  • Take what’s left (the things you want to keep) and see if you might be able to fit those together somehow. Maybe there’s a way for the two of you to take the things that are really special to you and join them together into something that fits both of you.

Let’s go back to my Christmas example. After applying the above steps, some possible solutions might be:

  • You each open one present on Christmas eve and then the rest on Christmas morning.
  • One year you open presents on Christmas eve and the other year you open presents on Christmas morning.
  • You have something different than you usually do for Christmas breakfast, but not as elaborate as a four-course meal.
  • You have an elaborate Christmas breakfast, but a lite and easy Christmas lunch.

The options are many, depending on whether you have kids, how close you live to family, etc. The thing is to not get stuck in insisting the old way, but instead, move on to creating new ways.

A FINAL WORD…

I know that all of this can sound rather trivial. Who’s going to lose their marriage over whether they open presents on Christmas eve or Christmas morning? But it’s not just about holiday traditions. It’s about how you decide to do life. It’s about a failure to create your own marriage because one or both of you keep trying to live by old family patterns.

Continuing to insist that you and your spouse do things like your family did them will hurt your marriage. And in the long run, it can cause you to lose your marriage. And so…It’s on the list!

2 Kings 18-20 – Are You Hoping to Catch a Break?

by

“Some people get all the breaks!” Ever felt that way?

King Hezekiah is one of those people for whom everything just seems to works out. But there’s a reason for that.

2 Kings chapter 18 tells us that King Hezekiah was living a life of faithful obedience before he faced his difficulties. He didn’t wait for things to get bad to be faithful. He was faithful before the bad times. And 2 Kings chapter 19 tells us Hezekiah didn’t scramble to fix things himself when things were bad, but instead prayerfully turned to God and trusted Him for the outcome.

Now, he was not perfect. In the middle of 2 Kings chapter 18, Hezekiah tries to pay off the Assyrian king rather than trust God. But, once the Assyrian king goes back on his agreement, Hezekiah realizes God is the only person whom he can truly trust.

And towards the end of 2 Kings chapter 19, Hezekiah believes God enough to wait for Him to act on His promises. When impending disaster is breathing down his neck, he doesn’t just say he believes God, he sits on his hands and waits for God to do something.

Hezekiah was not someone who “caught all the breaks.” He was someone who was…

  • Faithful to God long before he needed the break.
  • Fervently prayerful when he needed a break.
  • Fearlessly willing to wait on God until the break came…despite the fear and pressure it might not.

And Hezekiah lived out those principles of faith, prayer, and trusting even when he became ill and close to death. (2 Kings chapter 20)

Compared to Hezekiah, how are you doing? Are you faithful before the problem arises, prayerful in the midst of the problem, and trusting to the end of the problem? Or are you just hoping to catch a break?

The List – Don’t Do Anything About Your Depression and Anxiety

by

Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage, and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and watching marriage fail.

Depression and anxiety are so prevalent these days they’re like the emotional equivalent of the common cold. According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, at any point in time, 3 to 5 percent of people suffer from major depression; with the lifetime risk being about 17 percent. According to DoSomething.org, “anxiety disorders are the most common of mental disorders and will affect nearly 30% of adults at some point in their lives.”

Most people suffering from depression and anxiety will get married and bring those issues into their marriage. So, for the sake of their marriage, it’s important for spouses to do something about their depression and anxiety.

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY?

Depression and anxiety, if left unattended, can take over your marriage and drive the relationship. They become the CEO’s in your marriage. Here’s what I mean by that…

  • C – Depression and anxiety are CONTAGIOUS in marriage. Your spouse will start exhibiting the same issues…or others in reaction to your depression and anxiety. Just as an injured leg will cause the rest of the body to limp to compensate, your spouse will limp trying to compensate for your depression or anxiety.
  • E – Your depression and anxiety will be EXASPERATING to your spouse. These issues will serve as a constant impediment to your spouse when it comes to going places, getting things done, and enjoying life in general. (More about that below.)
  • O – Depression and anxiety in a marriage are OPPRESSIVE to a marriage. They put a lid on how far the marriage can go and grow.

So, if depression and anxiety are that hard on a marriage…

WHY DO WE OFTEN TRY TO IGNORE THEM?

Why don’t more people do something about their depression and anxiety if it’s hurting their marriage? Here are some possible reasons:

  • We don’t recognize it. Depression and anxiety can be hard to see when you’re in it. They can come on so gradually that It feels normal, and you don’t see the problem till you’re already deep into it.
  • We’re embarrassed to admit it. Though it’s not as bad as it once was, there’s still a lot of stigmas associated with having depression and anxiety. We’re afraid people will see us as weak or broken.
  • We want to handle it ourselves. Our pride and independence can get in the way of dealing with our depression and anxiety. We want to fix it on our own. But if we could do that, we would have already done it.
  • We don’t trust counselors or medication. This reason goes hand-in-hand with the previous reason. We would rather do it ourselves because we’re afraid that counselors or medication will somehow mess us up and make us worse. I don’t have the space or time to totally refute this now, but let’s just say this is more of an excuse than a help.

WHAT CAN YOU DO ABOUT YOUR DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY?

I know it’s easy to feel powerless and helpless in the face of depression and anxiety, but you are not without options or resources. Here are just a few of the things you can do to address and combat your depression and anxiety:

  • Improve your physical condition. It’s surprising what a difference taking care of yourself physically can make on depression and anxiety. I’m not saying that it will make you magically better, but diet, exercise, and proper sleep can have a big impact on depression and anxiety.
  • Find a better work/life balance. Now, it’s not possible to completely and precisely balance your work and home life. There will be some ebb and flow between them from season to season. But if they get too out of balance for too long, it can lead to and feed depression and anxiety.
  • Lean into spiritual resources. If you’re a person of faith, then leaning into the spiritual resources at your disposal can be a great source of comfort, strength, and direction for you.
  • Talk to a pastor or counselor. It’s not possible for us to handle everything in life by ourselves. From time to time, we all need a little help from someone who’s more objective and has more training and resources than we do.
  • Investigate possible medical help. If your depression and anxiety seem to be entrenched and unresponsive to the previous approaches, then it may have more to do with your biology than your thinking, faith, or circumstances. If you’ve tried everything else, but still struggle with depression and anxiety, then you may need to talk to your physician about the possible need for an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF IT’S YOUR SPOUSE WHO SUFFERS FROM DEPRESSION AND ANXIETY?

If you’re married to someone who struggles with depression or anxiety, you know what a strain it can put on your marriage. Here are some ways it can affect you…

  • You can wind up exhausted and frustrated from picking up the slack for your spouse.
  • This exhaustion and frustration can turn to anger and resentment.
  • You can wind up lonely, because your spouse stays in bed, stays withdrawn, or is too anxious to do things.
  • You can be faced with the choice of either staying at home all the time or getting out and doing things on your own.
  • You can feel like your spouse’s depression and anxiety are cheating you out of the life, enjoyment, and marriage you wanted.

Since you can’t force your spouse out of their depression or anxiety, it can feel like your hands are tied. But there are some things you can do:

  • Don’t avoid it or sweep it under the rug. The spouse with depression or anxiety already prefers to avoid the issue, so avoiding it just makes it worse.
  • Be lovingly truthful with your spouse. They may not see how it’s affecting you and the marriage. Or they may see it and feel so down on themselves they can’t bring the subject up. So you bring it up. I know you don’t want to hurt your spouse, but you must be truthful about how their issues are affecting you and the marriage. Be kind, be loving, but be truthful.
  • Ask/encourage them to take steps to improve things. Often, depression and anxiety can leave a person frozen and stuck. They may need your encouragement and gentle pushing to build some momentum. They probably won’t like it at first, but they may need it.
  • Take care of yourself. Though you can’t force them to do what they need to do, you can take care of yourself. Make sure you’re getting a proper diet, along with proper sleep and exercise. Find someone you can talk to about what you’re going through; someone who will listen to you and help guard you against making rash decisions. You may even need to talk to a counselor or physician if things persist.
  • Lean into your spiritual resources. If you’re a person of faith, find strength and guidance in the spiritual resources at your disposal.

A FINAL WORD…

This post is not intended to beat up those who struggle with depression or anxiety. Nor is it meant to make those people feel guilty. The purpose of this post is to (1) clearly make spouses aware of the impact depression and anxiety have on a marriage relationship and (2) encourage you to attack those issues with all your might. Because not doing anything about your depression and anxiety can cause you to lose your marriage. And that’s why…IT’S ON THE LIST.

2 Kings 17 – If You Always Do What You’ve Always Done…

by

There’s an old saying that goes something like this…”If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

Yet, so many of us continue to do what we’ve always done and wonder why we’re not getting different results. We put off studying for an exam, and then get upset because we got a poor grade. We keep to ourselves, and then wonders why they don’t have friends. We put off taking care of little things around the house then gets discouraged that our house is in the condition it’s in. “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.”

This point is driven home in 2 Kings chapter 17. There, the unthinkable happens. Israel is defeated and taken over by the Assyrians, leaving them completely demoralized and discouraged. But, they were God’s chosen people. God Himself had led them out of Egyptian slavery with miracles the likes of which the world had never seen. How could this have happened?!

The answer is found in nearly every sentence of 2 Kings chapter 17. When God brought the Israelites out of Egypt, He gave them a new way to live. But they continued to do what everyone else had aways done. Consequently, they got the same results everyone else had gotten. (2 Kings 17:8) Though they were aware of a different way, they chose to keep doing what they had been doing; believing that some how it would yield different results. But it didn’t, and it doesn’t.

We’re all prone to do what we’ve always done. But God doesn’t call us to live life on autopilot. He calls us to make clear and intentional choices about how we will live. (Deuteronomy 30:19-20) We cannot be who we want to be, nor can we be where we want to be, if we continue to do what we’ve always done.

The List – Wait for Your Spouse to Go First

by

Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage, and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and watching marriage fail.

“You go first.” “No, you go first!” “Why should I be the one to go first? You go first!”

Parents hear this from their kids when those kids are facing something challenging, scary, or something they just don’t want to do.

But this also occurs between spouses. It just sounds different. It sounds more like, “Well, it would be a lot easier for me to do what you want if you would just ___________.” Or, “How can I do that when you’re still doing this.” This is the married version of “You go first.” “No, you go first.”

SO WHO GOES FIRST?

So many marital disputes boil down to who’s going to go first. We usually know what we need to do. We just don’t want to go first. We want our spouse to make the first move toward making things right.

But waiting on your spouse to make the first move makes things worse. And doing that long enough can cost you your marriage.

You should be the one who goes first in trying to make things better.

Now some of you are thinking, “Why should I be the one who goes first! You don’t even know the situation! You don’t know what my spouse has done! How can you say I should be the one who goes first to make it right?!”

Well first, let’s talk about why it’s so difficult to be the one who goes first.

WHY IS GOING FIRST SO HARD?

If you push back against going first, that’s perfectly natural and understandable. Going first is difficult. Here are some reasons why going first is so hard…

Hurt.

Maybe the reason it’s hard for you to go first is that your spouse has hurt you. Maybe they’ve hurt your feelings, or your pride, or your sense of fairness. And just like any wound, burn, or broken limb, that hurt has made you very sensitive and guarded.

Fear.

Perhaps it’s hard for you to go first because you’re afraid of being taken advantage of. Maybe you’re afraid of getting hurt again. When you’re hurt by your spouse, it can make it harder to trust them going forward, for fear that they’ll do it again.

Pride.

This is a subject none of us what to admit, but pride can often get in our way of going first. Our pride causes us to think things like: “Why should I go first? They’re the ones who messed up!” “If I go first, they’ll think I’m weak.” “I can’t go first. Then they’ll think they can get away with anything!”

Stubbornness.

And finally, we often let our stubbornness get in the way of going first. We’re convinced that we’re right, and we’re going to stick to our guns no matter what. We’re not going to compromise our principles…no matter what.

WHY GOING FIRST IS SO IMPORTANT.

I know going first is hard when you feel you’ve been wronged. I struggle with it all the time. But despite how difficult it is, going first is important for the following reasons:

It breaks a stalemate and gets things moving.

When there is hurt or disagreement in a marriage, it creates an emotional and behavioral log jam. Just like a log jam in a stream, love can’t begin to flow between spouses until someone makes a move to remove a log and get the love and behaviors flowing again. It’s within your power to get things flowing again, by going first.

Going first also makes it easier for your spouse to respond positively. You may be thinking, “It’s not my job to make it easier for them. They should do what’s right, even if it’s hard!”  But that’s a two-way street. If you want them to do what they should do so it will be easier for you to respond to them, then you have to be willing to do the same.

It starts to change attitudes.

We feel like our attitude needs to change before we can take the right action. But it’s actually the other way around. When you do the right thing, it starts to change your attitude…making it easier to do the next right thing. When you do the right thing, it not only positively affects your attitude, it positively affects your spouse’s attitude also.

And when you lovingly go first and do the right thing, it makes it harder for your spouse to blame you for their actions. In effect, going first takes away their ammunition.

It’s a tangible expression of love.

Love is expressed more in what you do than in what you say. If you say you love your spouse, but then wait for them to go first, your words of love mean little. You’re basically saying, “I’ll love you, only if you do what I think you need to do.” That’s not love, that’s bartering. Love sacrifices what you want for what your spouse needs.

It makes logical sense.

You can’t force your spouse to change. Trying to force them to do something (like going first) is disrespectful, offensive, and insights resistance. Don’t you feel the same way when they’re trying to force you to do something? So it’s illogical to try to force them to do something they don’t want to do and expect it to make things better.

Any change made in a marriage…no matter who makes it…will have an effect on the marriage as a whole. So, even if you believe your spouse should go first you ging first, will change things.

It’s a spiritual principle.

And finally, if you’re a person of faith, the idea that you should go first is backed up in the Scripture.

Matthew 5:23-26 says that if your “brother” has something against you, you should go and make things right between you. But later in Matthew 18:15, we’re told that if you have something against your “brother,” go and try to make it right with them. If you sum up these two passages, I always should be the one who goes first.

A FINAL WORD…

In marriage, both spouses should strive to go first. But I  know it’s hard to be the one to go first in trying to do the right thing; especially if you’re feeling hurt or fear being taken advantage of. But going first can make a real difference in your marriage. It can get things moving again, change your attitude, and make it easier for your spouse to respond in kind.

But here’s a caveat… I’m not saying if you always go first, everything will always be great in your marriage. It takes two people, working together, to make the marriage work well. You going first and doing the right things does not ensure that your spouse will do the same.

 

But, Romans 12:18 tells us…“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” That verse infers that it may not always be possible to live peaceably with someone. But it is possible for you to do what “depends on you.” And that involves going first to try to make things right in marriage.

Because if you consistently wait for your spouse to go first, it will be detrimental to your marriage. That’s why…IT’S ON THE LIST.

2 Kings 16 – Chasing the Next New Thing

by

America is a nation of great prosperity. Compared to the majority of the world, the poorest of us would be considered well off.  Yet, we still listen to advertisers who convince us we need something new or different. We take their bait, not because what we have doesn’t work, but because what we have isn’t new.

You see this with king Ahaz, in 2 Kings chapter 16. When his kingdom is threatened by the kings of Israel and Aram, Ahaz doesn’t turn to the One who drowned the Egyptians in the Red Sea, or brought down the walls of Jericho, or drove out the people from the Promised Land. Instead, Ahaz turns to the newest superpower on the world stage…Assyria.

When Ahaz visits the King of Assyria, he sees the alter that the king uses for pagan sacrifices. And like a guy in a new car showroom, Ahaz has to have this new and different alter; despite the fact that the alter in Judah was the original alter. It was designed by God Himself and constructed with the oversight of Moses. But Ahaz wanted something new and different.

How quickly we can turn from God to something “new.”

  • The latest Christian teacher or self-improvement guru.
  • The latest quiet-time or Bible study technique.
  • The latest way of doing church, or the latest wave in worship styles.

We’re all prone to pursue something new and lose our focus and reliance on the One who has been faithful all along. We chase after the latest change and forget the One who never changes. (Malachi 3:6)

We must stay true to the One who has been true to us. We should hold onto what He has clearly and specifically told us to do, and not veer to the right or the left, chasing the next new thing. (Deut. 5:32)

The List – Let Anger Have It’s Way

by

Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage, and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and watching marriage fail.

Anger can be caustic to marriage at best and dismantling to marriage at worst.

IS IT WRONG TO BE ANGRY?

Anger itself is not the problem. Many religious people feel like it’s wrong to be angry, but anger is a normal and natural emotion that everyone will experience. We’re even told in the Bible that God experiences anger:

“And the LORD was angry with Solomon because his heart had turned away from the LORD, the God of Israel, who had appeared to him twice.” – 1 Kings 11:9. (ESV)

The problem is not anger, but rather the way we choose to deal with our anger. That’s the principle behind two New Testament Scriptures:

  • “Be angry and sin not…” – Eph. 4:26a (ESV)
  • “…let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…” – James 1:19 (ESV)

HANDLING ANGER POORLY.

Again, experiencing anger is not the problem. Handling it poorly is. And we handle anger poorly in the ways we talk about it and the ways we express it.

Talking About Anger.

Because we’re often taught that anger is bad or wrong, we tend to use words that minimize our anger and make it more palatable. Instead of coming right out and saying, “I’m angry,” we say things like:

  • I’m peeved.
  • I’m miffed.
  • I’m frustrated.
  • I’m aggravated.

These sound kinder, but they often short-sell and misrepresent what we’re really feeling. To the listener, these words make it sound less important than it really is.

Expressing Anger.

People express anger in a variety of ways. Oftentimes, the way people express anger is either the way they saw it expressed growing up, or it’s in opposition to the way they saw it expressed growing up. Below are some of the general ways people poorly express their anger:

They keep it to themselves.
These are the people who are angry, but they try to go on and act as if everything is ok. Maybe they were led to believe that anger is wrong or bad. Maybe they’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. Maybe they don’t like confrontation. Whatever the reason, they try to keep their anger underground. The problem with this approach is the anger still leaks out in their body language, or their tone, or their withdrawal.

They become sarcastic.
These are the people who veil their anger in a sarcastic tone and comments. They may try to pass it off as humor, but it’s actually a back door approach to expressing anger. It’s a form of verbally throwing darts at someone in a hit-and-run fashion. The problem with this approach is it’s disrespectful and makes the anger worse for both people.

They become passive-aggressive.
These are the people who say one thing, but do another. They say they’re fine but act in ways that show they’re not. They may say it’s alright for you to go out with your friends, but then come up with all kinds of ways to sabotage that. They may say they’re perfectly fine with your decision, but then continue to point out reasons why your approach won’t work. The problem with this approach is that it doesn’t resolve the anger and it keeps the other person stuck in a “darned-if-you-do-and-darned-if-you-don’t” position.

They go off like a grenade, and then they’re “fine.”
These are the people who go off with little warning, hurting everyone in their vicinity. And once they’re done, they feel better, because they’ve released the emotional pressure that had built up in them. It’s like someone pulling the pin on a grenade and walking away. The problem with this approach is that the person who pulled the pin may feel better, but they’ve left everyone else riddled with shrapnel and not ok.

They erupt like a volcano and continue to spew.
These are the people who are constantly angry. Like a volcano, their anger is rumbling ever-present below the surface.  You never know when they’re going to blow. And when they do, the only option for people is to flee the destruction. The problem with this approach is that, like a volcano, their angry eruptions forever change the landscape of the marriage and can cause their spouse to have no choice but to flee.

HANDLING ANGER PROPERLY.

Know this. Anger will not go away by itself. And if you try to ignore it, it will still have its way…one way or another. You will either handle your anger poorly or properly. You will either deal with your anger, or your anger will deal with you.

So let’s look at some ways you can intentionally and effectively handle your anger.

Recognize it.

The first step to properly handling your anger is being willing to recognize it’s there. You may be a person who knows when you’re angry, but often people have ignored their anger for so long they don’t recognize it anymore. I’ve had people in my counseling office who were telling a story that was obviously making them angry. I could see their face turning red. I could see them gripping the chair so hard their knuckles were turning white. I could see their jaw clenched. But when I asked them what they were feeling, they said, “Nothing.”

Pay attention to the warning signs. Watch for things like tensing up, quick and shallow breathing, your face feeling flushed, clenching your fists or your jaw, or anything else that might signal you’re angry. If you’re not good at recognizing when you’re angry, rely on others to point it out to you, until you can recognize it for yourself.

Own it.

Once you’ve recognized your anger, then you must have the humility to own it. It’s so easy to try to pass our anger off by making others responsible for it. This sounds like, “Well I wouldn’t be angry if you didn’t…” It’s also easy to deflect attention from our anger by pointing out the other person’s anger. This sounds like, “You’ve got some nerve talking about my anger. Look at all the times you’ve been angry!” If you want to handle anger properly, you must be humble enough to own it as your own problem.

Trace it.

Once you’ve owned your anger, then you need to figure out the real root of your anger. It’s easy to just trace your anger to the current circumstance, but you need to go deeper than that. Has your anger been building for a while? If so, when did it start? Does what makes you angry remind you of something or someone else? Does it go back to childhood?

I know these are hard questions that are not always easy to answer, so you may need to enlist others to help you investigate this. Sometimes it takes a friend, a pastor, or a counselor to help you get to the bottom of things.  But, someone once told me, “When you look underneath the anger, you will usually find hurt.” So look for the deeper hurt.

Replace it.

Once you understand what’s really driving your anger, then you’re ready to replace the anger. You do that by replacing the thoughts that fuel your anger and replacing the behaviors that allow your anger to fester and get worse. Again, this may take the help of a good friend, pastor, or counselor, but if you don’t replace the old thoughts and behaviors with something different…you’ll be stuck with the anger.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

Marriage is supposed to be a place where spouses enjoy safety and security. But unchecked anger in a marriage erodes and destroys safety and security. That’s why anger is so caustic to a marriage. Letting anger have its way can destroy a marriage relationship, and cause you to lose your marriage. And that’s why…IT’S ON THE LIST.

2 Kings 14-15 – The Future Impact of Current Choices

by

Global warming. It’s one of the hot topics today…if you’ll excuse the pun. Scientists tell us that past decisions to satisfy our growing hunger for more (more products, more comfort, more convenience, etc.) are now having destructive consequences on the current state and health of our environment.

Just as decisions in the past can affect current conditions environmentally, past decisions can affect current conditions spiritually.

That’s the message we hear over and over again in 2 Kings chapters 14 and 15. Time and time again, we hear phrases like, “He did evil in the sight of the Lord, just as his father did.” At times, the Scripture connects the behaviors of the current king of Israel all the way back to the idolatry of the first king of Israel…Jeroboam. And this pattern is repeated so often in chapters 14 and 15 that you get tired of reading it.

I believe the Scripture is trying to drill home the idea that the choices we make now have a lasting impact in the years to come. Our decisions now will reverberate down through the generations. (Ex. 20:5) Our current choices and actions are key to the spiritual climate of the future. My words and actions impact my children; which has an impact on their interactions with their friends, their spouses, and their children.

Whether or not you believe in the reality of global warming, you can believe that your current decisions and actions will impact your future spiritual climate. That is the clear message God gives us in 2 Kings chapters 14 and 15.

The List – Communicate Poorly…or Not At All

by

Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and 20 years of watching marriage fail.

COMMUNICATION – HOW QUICKLY WE FORGET

Communication issues are so common in a marriage they border on cliché. And that’s ironic, considering we spend the first part of our life learning to communicate:

  • Learning to speak.
  • Learning to read.
  • Learning to write our letters and our words.
  • Learning to write papers in school.
  • Learning to give speeches in school.
  • Learning to talk to people, friends, co-workers, and love interests.

But somewhere along the line, we begin to let all of that slide as if we’ve got it down. We…

  • Stop talking as much as we use to.
  • Stop writing notes like we use to.
  • Get lax in using the right words.
  • Get lax in using enough words.

We let one of our most hard-earned skills, communication, atrophy from lack of use. And this is sad, because communication is so important.

WHY IS COMMUNICATION SO IMPORTANT?

Improving your communication can sound like the cliché answer to relationship problems. But it’s not that it’s cliché. It’s just that good communication is that important to our relationships.

Good communication is both the lubricant and the connecting tissue of relationships. Just as the oil in your car reduces friction and keeps the engine running smoothly, good communication reduces friction in a relationship and keeps it running smoothly. And just as connecting tissue in your body keeps our skeletons connected, good communication keeps people and spouses connected.

WHAT HAPPENED TO OUR COMMUNICATION?

Why is it that we tend to disregard something we worked so hard to be good at early in our life? Why do we get lazy with something that’s so important? What happened to our communication?

Consider the following possibilities. After we’re out of school, working on our communication skills doesn’t seem like a priority, because we’re not being graded or critiqued on it anymore. After we’ve acquired good friends we get lax about how we communicate, because we’re not trying to earn their friendship anymore. Once we’re married, communicating to win that person over doesn’t seem as necessary, and we shift from communicating to being comfortable. And, the longer we live the more we get in our heads, and the more our dialogue tends to be internal rather than external.

All these possible reasons lead to two primary communication problems: communicating less, and communicating poorly.

HOW CAN YOU IMPROVE COMMUNICATION?

So, how can you improve communication in your marriage? Well, if our problems are communicating less and communicating poorly, the answer is simple. We need to communicate more and communicate better.

Communicate More.

With the exception of those times when one person needs a break from communication for some reason (maybe they’re too upset to talk, or too tired to talk, or they need a moment to think) the more you talk, the smoother things will go and the more connected you’ll be.

I’m not saying you have to drown the other person with tons of words or deep emotion. Communication doesn’t have to be overwhelming or gut-wrenching. It really can be as simple as talking about…

  • What you’re thinking.
  • What happened that day.
  • Things you like.
  • Things you don’t like.
  • Things you wonder about.
  • What you would like to do.
  • And yes…what you’re feeling.

Just move the conversation that goes on in your head out to your mouth.

Communicate Better.

Now, let’s talk about communicating better. Oftentimes, we’re hesitant to communicate, because the last time we tried to communicate what we were thinking or feeling it wasn’t received well. If this is often the case for you, try using the UPS model of communicating.

  • U – Understand. Good communication starts with making sure you understand the other person. This requires that you first listen. Really listen. And after you’ve done that, then ask questions about what you heard, to make sure you truly understood them. Then, tell them what you think they’re trying to tell you.
  • P – Ponder. After you’ve really heard the other person, don’t be so quick to speak. (1) Take a second to ponder what they’ve said and the possible reasons they have for saying it. (2) Take a second to ponder how you can best respond.
  • S – Speak. After you’ve done all that, then you’re ready to speak. Speak what you think and feel, but be sure to do it in a way that will be loving and respectful. I know it seems like a lot to go through before you get to speak, but trust me. This process will cut down on a lot of the miscommunication that can take place between you and your spouse…or anyone else.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

I know that talking about improving communication in relationships can seem like such a small thing to harp on. But, communication is really a big thing. The majority of marriage issues that I deal with in my counseling office either center on, or are fueled by, problems with communication. You may think it’s a small thing, but if you don’t do something about this “small” thing, it will turn into a big thing that can eventually cost you your marriage. And that’s why…it’s on the list.

2 Kings 13 – Is God Too Nice?

by

Have you ever watched someone be taken advantage of over and over again, and thought, “Why do they put up with that? They’re too nice.”

These thoughts come to mind when reading 2 Kings chapter 13. There you find the king of Israel (Jehoahaz) committing adultery and doing what is evil in Gond’s sight. But, when the king and the people suffer the consequences of being harassed and defeated by Aram, King Jehoahaz prays to God and God rescues him and his people. (2 Kings 13:5) Then, in the very next verse, they go back to sinning and committing adultery!

Then, when king Jehoahaz dies, his son (Jehoash) takes over and he too does what is evil in God’s sight; refusing to give up adultery. Over and over again, the Israelites are overrun by the Arameans. So, Jehoash goes to the ailing prophet (Elisha) and cries out in distress. And once again, God grants Israel success over the Arameans.

Why does God keep responding positively to people who keep disobeying Him and ignoring Him? In 2 Peter chapter 3, Peter says the reason God has not brought judgement already is that He’s being loving and patient. He’s giving everyone every opportunity to repent. His lack of exacting judgement is not a lack of justice. It’s a postponing of justice in hopes that people will respond to His love, grace, and mercy…rather than experiencing His judgement.

Where in our lives has God been patient and gracious with us when our actions and attitudes warranted more harsh treatment? Where have we gone our own way, then called out to God…and He rescued us, rather than punished us? Where in our lives has God been “too nice to us?”

Rather than be upset with God for giving the undeserving a second, third, or fourth chance, we need to be grateful for all the second, third, and fourth chances He has given us. (Nehemiah 9:17) – Bret Legg.