Have you ever done something good for someone, only to have that person disregard you? When that happens, your response is often, “How could they do that, after all I’ve done for them?!”
This is the theme and feel of 1 Kings chapter 20. Twice, God rescues King Ahab of Israel by giving him victory over King Ben-Hadad of Aram…despite overwhelming odds. There should have been no way King Ahab could have survived, let alone been victorious in these two battles. But God intervened and gave Ahab the victory so that he would know the Lord was really God. (1 Kings 20:13, 28)
Yet, after all God did for Ahab, Ahab disregards God by disobeying His command to kill King Ben-Hadad. And Ahab disobeyed, not because of humanitarian reasons, but because of his greed. (1 Kings 20:34)
Then, after being confronted with what he’s done and the consequences of his disobedience, Ahab cops an attitude. (1 Kings 20:43)
You read this story and think, “What’s up with this guy?! What a jerk!” But, before you judge Ahab too harshly, you need to ask yourself, “Have I ever been guilty of the same thing? Have I received help, blessing, and rescue from God, only to later disregard Him? Have I failed to recognize my indebtedness to Him?”
As He was with Ahab, God has been gracious toward us…daily. We’re not even aware of all the times He’s rescued us, protected us, and provided for us throughout life. The honor and obedience He deserves from us should be a small token of our gratitude.
Today, take time to recognize God’s goodness toward you and take some time to respond to Him in gratitude and obedience.
I was talking to a friend who is somewhat particular about his yard, and he told me there are two parts of his yard that are his favorite spots. I thought to myself, “These must be particularly lush and manicured parts of his yard to be his favorite.
But actually, his two favorite spots in his yard are spots where the grass is worn down to the point where many would see them as blemishes in his yard.
But my friend doesn’t see them as blemishes. He sees them as signs of life. The first spot is where he stands to throw pitches to his daughter. And the second spot is where his daughter stands and practices swinging at those pitches. He said these spots are more important than the rest of his nice green lawn because it’s where he and his daughter have great conversations and make lasting memories.
This got me thinking. My friend gets it! He knows that the important thing is not the grass, but rather what happens on the grass. He knows it’s not the possessions, but the people that are important.
Now there’s nothing wrong with taking care of the things you have. My parents taught me to do this, so those things would last. Yet so often we work hard to keep things looking nice and new because we think they were the centerpieces of our life.
But our focus should be more on the people in our lives, than the possessions in our lives. And people are not always neat and clean. They leave behind messes, scuffs, and blemishes. And yes, this can be frustrating, but never forget…these are the signs of life.
Some of the signs of life at my house are…
A nicked baseboard from a grandchild rounding a corner on a tricycle.
A yellow highlighter mark on the carpet from a grandchild who was more zealous about coloring the picture than staying on the paper.
A wall with stains from the stickers a grandchild used to decorate the room.
A milkshake stain on the armrest of my brand new car, from an after-school trip to DQ with grandkids who just couldn’t sit still.
Black marks on a bathroom wall from my 88-year-old mother’s walker…who got the chance to hang out at our house with her grandchildren and great-grandchildren.
Where are the signs of life in your house, your yard, your car…your life? I’m guessing they are not the pristine spots that are shiny and like new. I’m guessing they are the spots and blemishes that mark a well-lived and well-loved life.
You will either see the blemishes, dents, dings, and worn places as points of frustration or signs of life. It depends on your perspective. Just remember this…someday, when these places are more empty than you would like, it will be these signs of life and the memories associated with them that will mean more to you than having things that are pristine and perfect.
Everyone goes through difficult and draining times…even those seeking God. (John 16:33) Some will recover from those times, while others will not.
In 1 Kings chapter 19, we see Elijah fearfully running. He wants to quit and die.
Was he exhausted after his battle on Mt. Carmel? Did his adrenalin bottom out after all the excitement was over? Was the queen’s threat to kill him the straw that broke the camel’s back?
We don’t know, but we know God sought to refresh him (1 Kings 19:5-8) and refocus him. (1 Kings 19:9, 13) And God didn’t chastise for his discouragement.
The sad thing is, Elijah never really came back from it. After God replenished Elijah physically, He tried to get redirect his focus by asking, “What are you doing here?” But Elijah responded with self-pity. (1 Kings 19:10) So God reminded Elijah to Whom he was talking, (1 Kings 19:11-12) and once again asked Elijah, “What are you doing here?” (1 Kings 19:13)
At this make-or-break moment, Elijah could have turned his eyes off himself and back to God. He could have said, “I am here to serve you and bring you glory.” But instead, Elijah repeated the previous self-pitying speech. At that point, Elijah could no longer be the instrument God needed, and God prepared his replacement. (1 Kings 19:16)
We all will go through difficult, disheartening, and discouraging times that will take their toll on us and leave us depleted. And God will be gracious to minister to us.
But then God calls us back into the game by asking, “What are you doing here?” How we answer that question determines whether we get back in the game or are benched. At that moment, we need to realize we’re called to something greater than the cave we’re in.
Maybe you’re in one of those rare marriages where sex is not a problem. Maybe you both agree on the when, where, and how of sex. If so, count yourself as fortunate. But most married couples wrestle with sex. (Pun intended!)
WHY IS SEX SUCH A PROBLEM IN MARRIAGE?
You’d think that something as fundamental to our nature as sex would be simple and easy. But it’s not. In fact, sex in marriage is often fraught with disagreements, misunderstandings, wounded egos, and fighting. There are at least three reasons for this…
1. Sex is very personal.
I know that’s an understatement, but it’s true. Sex is personal because it involves…
How we see ourselves.
Our self-confidence.
How we feel about ourselves.
Our self-esteem.
Our fear of rejection.
2. Gender Differences.
When it comes to sex, we tend to act like our spouse should think as we think and want what we want. Yet, we are different…
Anatomically. – The anatomical differences that attract us, also make it difficult to understand each other’s experiences and desires.
Hormonally. – We are driven by predominantly different hormones. It’s as difficult for wives to understand testosterone drives as it is for husbands to understand estrogen drives.
3. Social Messages.
Despite our society’s push to create gender-neutral environments, males and females are different. They are raised differently and given different messages about their gender. For example, if males act out sexually, people say things like, “Boys will be boys.” But if females act out sexually, they are considered loose and immoral. We then carry these cultural messages into marriage, complicating a sexual relationship that should be free and open between spouses.
IMPROVING YOUR SEX LIFE…HOW TO START.
You and your spouse don’t have to resign yourselves to lives of frustration and misunderstanding when it comes to sex. There are 4 simple things that will improve any married couple’s sex life.
TALKING.
It always amazes me how spouses can get naked in front of one another, and go through the various acts and positions of sex…yet have trouble talking about it!
Yes, talking about sex is personal. It requires vulnerability to talk about your likes and desires regarding sex. And your spouse may not have the same sexual wants and desires as you.
But with all the gender differences, and personality differences, and up-bringing differences between you and your spouse…there’s no way to make things better apart from talking about sex. Sex is like finances, raising kids, or any other part of marriage…for it to get better you need to talk about it.
Too many spouses try to hint about sex…when they want it and how they want it. But this is a recipe for frustration and hurt feelings. Let me give you an example…
One night, I was feeling a little amorous and wanted some sexual time with my wife. But instead of telling her what I wanted, I did the following:
I said, “Tonight, don’t worry about the kids. I’m going to give them their baths and put them to be a little early.” My wife said, “That’s great!” And I thought to myself, “Yes! she got the hint!”
After the kids were in bed asleep, I yelled down the stairs to my wife, “The kids are asleep. I’m going to go take my shower.” She said, “Great. I’ll be up in a minute.” So I took a shower, fully expecting to come out of the bathroom and find my wife naked on the bed. But when I opened the bathroom door, she was nowhere to be found. The bed wasn’t even turned down!
A little miffed by this, I yelled downstairs, “I’m out of the shower now!” And she yelled back, “Ok. I’ll be up in a minute.” So I climbed in bed naked, and I waited…and I waited..and I waited…getting madder by the minute!
Finally, I did the cowardly thing. I snuck down the stairs and peeked around the corner, only to find my wife kicked back in the recliner, newspaper in one hand, snacks in the other, and watching TV.
I went back upstairs furious. “How could she stand me up like that?! How could she reject me?!”
After a few days of pouting, I finally told her how upset I was. And her reply was, “If that’s what you wanted, why didn’t you say so!”
She was so right. I wish I could tell you I learned my lesson then, but I still fall into that hinting trap from time to time.
Hinting is not a good idea when it comes to sex, so talk about what you want and when you want it. Talk about what really works for you, as well as what doesn’t. Talk about things you would like to try. And talk about how you might like to change things up.
It may be awkward at first, but this one habit will improve things greatly in your sex life.
TIMING.
Timing involves two different things…
The “when of sex.
This refers to the time and place sex can occur during the day.
Is it always at night or can it be during the day? Can you have sex in the morning, or is that not a good time? Is sex something that can be spontaneous, or does it need to be planned? Can it happen when the mood strikes, or does everyone need to be freshly showered? Is the bedroom the only place for sex, or can it occur in other rooms and places?
The “how often” of sex.
The second part of timing refers to how frequently the couple should have sex.
It’s rare that a husband and wife agree on how frequently they should have sex. Husbands usually want sex more frequently than wives, but there are times when that gender stereotype is flipped and it’s the wife who wants sex more than her husband.
As a side note…if a husband is experiencing a low sex drive, I always encourage seeing their doctor and having their testosterone levels checked. If there are no testosterone or medication issues, then there may be something going on between the couple that needs to be addressed in counseling.
What should you do if you and your spouse have different ideas about sexual frequency? I encourage each spouse to say how often they would like to have sex. Then I have them target the number in the middle. It’s not a perfect solution. It will be more often than one would like, and not as often as the other would like. But it’s a good place to start.
TRUST.
Trust is an absolute necessity for good sex in marriage. Your spouse must fully trust you in the bedroom in order to relax, let go, and totally enjoy the experience. And this is especially true for wives.
But this kind of trust must be earned long before the bedroom. This kind of trust is earned daily by:
Showing you care more about your spouse than yourself.
Keeping your word…even in little things, like taking out the trash or being on time.
Not making fun of your spouse or treating them sarcastically.
Speaking well of them, in front of others, as well as when it’s just the two of you.
Caring about the things they care about.
When your spouse can trust you with the small things, then they can trust you with the big things…like sharing their bodies.
But trust is also built in the bedroom by never pressuring your spouse to do something they’re uncomfortable doing…even if you see nothing wrong with it. This will definitely wreck your trust with your spouse…both in the bedroom and out of the bedroom.
TRYING.
When it comes to sex, trying means 2 things…
Continuing to working on your sex life. Contrary to popular opinion, sex does not come naturally. It requires work, effort, and practice. And just when you think you’ve got it, then things change. Stage of life changes. Demands change. Heath changes. Body shapes change. The relationship changes. And on and on it goes. So you must continually work on your sexual relationship.
Keeping things fresh. This is the other part of trying. Like any other part of life, sex can easily fall into a rut or routine. We wind up having sex the same way, at the same time, and in the same place. No one wants to have the exact same meal over and over again, and the same is true for sex.
So change things up occasionally. Surprise one another. Try a different location, a different time of the day, or a different position. Use candles or music to set a mood. If your spouse is typically the aggressor, you take that role for a change. Extend the foreplay. Throw in an unexpected quickie occasionally.
I know it’s harder to find the time and privacy you need when you have kids in the house. So you’ll have to set aside money for sitters, arrange for your kids to sleep-over with friends, plan some quick get-aways, and even invest in a good sound screen and a good lock on your door.
Do what you have to, but don’t let your sex life grow routine and predictable from a lack of effort and planning. The more you put into it, the more you’ll get out of it.
A FINAL WORD…
These four things (talking, timing, trust, and trying) are great ways to breathe some new life into sex and make sex better for you and your spouse. And even if your spouse doesn’t seem interested in putting effort into these things, you put the effort into the things you can do. I guarantee it will still make a difference in your sex life and your marriage.
There are stories that are timeless classics. They have action, intrigue, a good hero, a strong villain, a powerful conclusion, and a timeless message.
1 Kings chapter 18 has such a story. In this story, after years of moral and religious decline, God finally says “Enough!” and He calls for a showdown.
The prophet Elijah presents the challenge. Two offerings: one for the God of Israel and the other for Baal. Two representatives: Elijah versus four hundred and fifty prophets of Baal. One objective: the God who answers by setting the offering ablaze is the true God.
The prophets of Baal work feverishly. They shout, they dance, and they even cut themselves. And they do this all day long, but nothing happens.
Finally, Elijah quietly prepares his alter and his sacrifice. Then, he does something unexpected. He saturates everything with water so there is no human way for the offering to be set ablaze. Lastly, he prays a short and simple prayer to God, and God sends a fire that completely disintegrates everything!
That’s a great story!
But the purpose of the story is not that we’re supposed to be doing dramatic acts of faith like Elijah. The purpose is to call people (then and now) to a decision. “How long are you going to waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him! But if Baal is god, then follow him.” (1 Kings 18:21)
And the sad part of the story is that, when Elijah asked the question, the people didn’t respond. They didn’t choose. (1 Kings 18:21) It took something dramatic to get them to choose.
All Scripture and all life call us to this decision. To choose a path. To choose a god. To make a commitment. To follow something or someone.
I was driving to work one morning in a bit of a funk. It had been a long and taxing week and I was just feeling a little…blah!
I had my favorites playlist on shuffle when a song pulled me out of my fog. Actually, it was the following line that captured my attention…
“This house is just an address. You’re my home.”
I immediately hit the “back” button to hear the song from the beginning. The song is called “Home” by singer-songwriter Ellis Paul. In it, a husband tells the vivid story of the night their house burnt down. The first verse has him watching his wife dreaming in bed while, unbeknownst to them, smoke was rising in the halls. And by the third verse, the two of them are standing outside like statues watching the roof crash down.
But the song keeps coming back to this chorus…
Home is the woman across the table Home is dreaming in my sheets Home…Home This house is just an address, you’re my home
As I listened to this song, my perspective began to change and my blah gave way to blessing.
How easy it is for us to focus on the pursuit of an address and all the stuff that goes along with it.
A nicer house in a nicer neighborhood.
A bigger garage to hold bigger toys.
Remodeling, landscaping, and upgrades.
And on and on it goes.
There’s nothing wrong with these things, but they are just part of an address. They aren’t home.
Home is across the table from you. Home is hogging the covers or keeping you awake with their snoring. Home is fussing about your annoying habits one minute and telling you they love you the next. Home is handing you a to-do list then fixing you a drink. Home is the eyes of the one who said “I do,” and still does.
I feel like I shouldn’t have to remind us of this, but home is not the roof over your head, but the people under your roof.
So don’t focus so much on the possessions you own. Focus on the people you’ve been given. They are what makes your house a home, and if you don’t treasure them…all you’ll have is a house.
We say this when someone who is supposed to care about us is not responding as we hoped or expected. The underlying message is, “If you loved me, you would keep me from hurt, struggle, and difficult times.”
1 Kings chapter 17 raises this issue. As the chapter begins, God is taking care of Elijah’s needs in the face of a drought and king Ahab’s anger. God gives Elijah a place to hide, a brook from which to drink, and birds that bring him food. But then the brook dries up.
“God, if you loved me, you wouldn’t dry up the brook.”
Then God directs Elijah to a widow in Zarephath who is supposed to feed him. But when he gets there, the widow only has enough for one small meal.
“God, if you loved me, she wouldn’t be running out of food.”
The widow obeys Elijah’s instructions and they wind up with plenty of food. But then, just as everything is going well, the widow’s son dies.
“God, if you loved me, you wouldn’t have allowed him to die.”
Then, God uses Elijah to bring the son back to life…(and the saga continues.)
Why is it, when things are going well, God seems to allow something to mess it up?
I believe these unwelcome events are important and necessary. How would the hero of a story ever gain the trust and loyalty of others if they never faced a villain or threatening situation?
In 1 Kings chapter 17, each time there’s a dead-end, God reveals Himself in a new and powerful way. And each time God meets the new challenge, the people become stronger in their faith and more confident in their God.
The thing that makes us say, “God if You loved me you wouldn’t…,” is the very thing God uses to show His love for us. Because it’s the difficulties that develop our faith and trust.
We’ve all seen them. They’re in the magazines that line the grocery store check-out aisles. They’re scattered throughout our social media feeds. They are written by academics, psychologists, and freelance writers. And they have titles that dare us to see how we measure up.
What are they? They are those lists of characteristics that supposedly make up a healthy marriage.
As a pastoral counselor, I might glance over such a list to see how practical and realistic it is. But I don’t spend a lot of time with such lists, because…
Marriage is not lived by checking off boxes on some list.
Lists are nice and neat, whereas marriage is complicated and messy.
No two marriages are the same.
We tend to focus more on where we don’t measure up to the list, than on where we do.
Once you hold such a list up to your marriage, how do you grade yourself?
But, having said all that, I’m about to eat my words. Because I’ve come across a healthy marriage checklist that’s practical and fits with much of what I see in my counseling office.
I’ve taken Lewis and Gossett’s list on the essential characteristics of a healthy marriage and reworded it as follows to fit my more casual approach to things. But the list is in essence, theirs.
According to Lewis and Gossett, healthy marriages have these things in common:
Power is shared.
Both spouses hold power equally in the relationship. Neither feels dominated and neither dominates. Both can speak into issues and both have equal say in decisions.
There is a good balance of togetherness and separateness.
Both spouses enjoy and even prefer being together, but neither is threatened when the other has outside interests, activities, and friendships. Each spouse has their own identity, along with some healthy autonomy.
Opinions and perspectives are respected and welcomed.
Each spouse is encouraged to share their views, and their views are not dismissed. They are listened to, understood, and respected. To ignore a spouse’s opinions and perspectives is disrespectful to them and destructive to the relationship.
Feelings are welcomed and encouraged.
It’s easy for spouses to get uncomfortable when feelings are brought into the mix because feelings can make things seem highly charged and difficult to control. But, as spouses, we are a package deal, and you can’t welcome your spouse without welcoming their feelings. But remember…feelings must be expressed appropriately and safely in order to be accepted.
Conflicts do not escalate or get out of hand.
Conflict is a normal and necessary part of marriage. It’s a part of two people learning to live and work together. In fact, a marriage without some conflict is not healthy. The health of a marriage is not found in the absence of conflict but in the ability to channel conflict in ways that are productive and helpful to both spouses. This means that: differences are tolerated, the conflict is not generalized or personalized, and resolution is typically achieved.
Spouses share basic values.
This does not mean that spouses are clones of one another, agreeing on everything. What it means is that the couple tends to have the same values when it comes to what they feel is important in life. These couples agree on things like how to raise a family, religion and its place in the family, financial security, morality, etc.
There is flexibility.
Life never goes the way we plan. It tends to throw us curve balls. Children come, jobs change, finances ebb and flow, children leave the nest, illnesses become severe, and retirement becomes a reality. The couples that can anticipate change, roll with the punches, and realign with the current reality will do better than those who can’t.
WHAT TO DO WITH THE LIST
You may be the kind of person who says, “I don’t need to live by no stinking list!” If so, feel free to ignore it the way I do other lists.
But there’s something basic about this list. It’s practical and adaptable, and it makes sense. So don’t toss it out without some thought.
Then, if you believe the list has some merit…
Put a check beside the ones that apply to your marriage.
Once you’ve done that, pat yourself on the back and celebrate those.
Then, put a star beside the ones you still need to work on.
Next, pick one of these and talk to your spouse about it.
See if the two of you can come up with one thing you could do to make it better.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
And if you’re still having trouble with the idea of a list for marriage, try thinking of it as a recipe. A recipe for cooking up something good.
In the movie “Groundhog Day,” a self-centered and difficult man relives the same day over and over again. Each day, the same people say the same things. The same songs play at the same time on the radio. And the same people have the same flat tire at the same spot each day. There seems to be no way to stop history from repeating itself.
1 Kings chapters 15-16 feel like Groundhog Day. With each king, the story’s the same. The new king follows in the old king’s idolatry, false worship, pride, and arrogance. Over and over again, the kings change, but the story remains the same.
But, there is one bright spot in these two chapters.
In 1 Kings chapter 15, you read about King Asa. Asa chose to do something different. He broke the mold and followed after God. He obeyed God’s commands, destroying idols and pagan temples. And he led the people back to faithfulness to God. Asa was like the sun breaking through the dark clouds of the times.
We need someone like Asa to stand up and break the cycle of darkness.
Each of us is called to be that someone. It starts by focusing on changing things within us before we try to change around us.
In the movie “Groundhog Day,” the main character eventually escaped repeating the same day over and over again. And he did it by daily making a positive change in himself and learning to focus on others more than himself. Consequently, he woke up one day and things were different.
That’s what Asa did, and that’s what we’re called to do. If you’re tired of living the same story over and over again, then you need to do something different. And you need to start with what’s going on inside of you before you try to change what’s going on around you.
In the spirit of full disclosure, let me say this is a post I need to take to heart as much as anyone. Just ask my spouse.
A STORY
Not long ago, a friend of mine told me that in the spring he likes to go mushroom hunting. It piqued my interest because this is something that I used to do with my mom when I was a kid. I told him that my 88-year-old mother (whose age and mobility issues have made mushroom hunting a distant memory) still gets wistful every spring as she misses the joy of feasting on fresh-picked mushrooms.
A few days later, my friend showed up at my office with some fresh-picked mushrooms for my mom. I was truly overwhelmed by such a kind and thoughtful gesture toward my mom…and me.
The next day, I called mom and told her I wanted to bring her to our house for dinner. When we got to the house, I told her that she was going to have to cook her own dinner, and I showed her the mushrooms. Her eye widened, her mouth dropped, and I literally heard her gasp for joy. It was just a handful of mushrooms, but her reaction rivaled any Christmas morning reaction I’ve seen from my kids or grandkids.
She savored every minute of cooking and eating those mushrooms. And when I took her back to her assisted living apartment, she was telling everyone she saw about cooking and eating mushrooms. As I drove away, I was so grateful for a small surprise, and for the friend who made it possible.
SMALL SURPRISES
My mom’s reaction to these mushrooms reminded me of what a big impact small surprises make.
All too often, we think we have to do big things to make a big impact. We think we have to buy a big house, take a big vacation, bring home a big salary, or give big gifts to make a big and lasting impact on our spouse.
But ironically, it’s the small surprises, not the big ones, that touch our spouse’s heart and give them something to cherish. I’m talking about small things that anybody (on any budget) can do. Things like…
Giving an unexpected card for no particular reason.
Bringing home their favorite candy.
Sending a text in the middle of the day, just to tell them how much you love them.
Cooking their favorite meal. (The one you rarely cook.)
Taking them to their favorite restaurant. (Especially if it’s one you typically avoid.)
Bringing home flowers when you’re not in trouble.
Planning a day for them to do their favorite thing…with or without you.
Taking the kids off their hands for an evening.
Preparing them a luxurious bath with soft lights, a nice drink, AND NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
Taking them away for one kid-free night. (Even if it’s somewhere close to home.)
When we were dating and first married, we surprised our spouse often. That’s part of the reason we felt so in love. But the longer we’re married, the more we let such things fall by the wayside, only to wonder why we don’t feel the way we use to about one another. (I stand guilty as charged!)
BIG IMPACT
As we said, you would think it would be the big surprises that make the biggest impact. So why do small surprises make such a big impact? Small surprises make a big impact because they show your spouse…
You’re thinking about them.
They’re important to you.
You took time out for them.
You want them to be happy.
You still love them.
Small surprises will leave strong positive memories stamped on your spouse’s heart and soul. And your spouse will carry those memories with them long after the surprise is complete…and long after you’re gone.
WHERE TO START
Small surprises are a guaranteed home run in a relationship, and they cost very little in time and effort. So, if you’re wondering how to get started, let me give you some ideas:
Take out a sheet of paper and start making a list of all the small ways you could surprise your spouse. You can start with the list above and then build on that. Make the list long. The longer, the better.
After you’ve made a good long list, then every Monday look at the list and pick one surprise to do.
Decide when you’re going to pull off this surprise.
Follow through by carrying out the surprise. And don’t call attention to yourself or expect anything in return.
Then repeat this process the following Monday.
When you’ve gone through your entire list, then start over from the beginning or make a new list. You’ll eventually start to watch and listen for things your spouse might like, and you’ll get to the point where you don’t even need the list. You’ll just know what to do.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
Just a little gasoline can create a much bigger fire. In the same way, small surprises have a way of enlarging the flame of your relationship. And they’re easier and cheaper than marriage counseling and divorce court.
