As a kid, I loved reading comic books about superheroes and dreaming about having superpowers and special abilities.
I still read superhero comic books as an adult and have come to believe that people can have special abilities. Oh, they might not be able to fly or shoot laser rays from their eyes, but everyone has a special ability or two that can change situations and help others.
One special ability we all have is the ability to set the tone or atmosphere for what’s going on around us. Think of it…
A wife has the power to change the atmosphere and the attitude of her husband just in how she greets him when he comes home.
A father can change the attitude and outlook of a son who struck out in how he interacts and responds to the son after the game.
A friend can change the hopelessness of a grieving friend just by their presence and reassurance.
To change the very atmosphere of another through our presence, our words, and our actions…that is a superpower!
In 1 Chronicles chapter 29, we see David using his ability to set the tone for Solomon’s future kingdom. First, he sets an atmosphere through his actions. (1 Chron. 29:2-5) David’s actions of generosity impact the people so much they follow his example and give generously. Then, David sets an atmosphere through his words. (1 Chron. 29:10-19) David’s words toward God are so honest and passionate the people passionately worship and praise God.
We often believe the special ability to set the tone and atmosphere of others is given only to charismatic people. But we each possess this special ability. In fact, we can’t turn it off! This power is always at work…for the good or the no-so-good.
So use your superpower wisely. Because, as Spiderman was once told, “With great power comes great responsibility.”
Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and marriage failures.
IT HAPPENS
If you’ve been married for any length of time, there probably have been times when you’ve thought things like:
They used to tell me “thank you” when I did something for them.
They used to leave me little notes.
They used to tell me how good the meal was.
They used to brag about things I had done.
They used to jump in and help without me asking.
They used to hold the door for me.
They used to tell me how good the yard looked after I finished.
And so you wonder, “Where did that go? Were they just faking that behavior in the beginning? Have I done something wrong? Have they stopped caring for me the way they used to? Why did they stop showing appreciation?”
WHAT IS APPRECIATION?
Appreciation is the grateful and thankful recognition of a person and their efforts.
It can be as simple as…
Thanking them for a great meal.
Bragging on what a great job they did.
Leaving a note to encourage them.
Acknowledging them in front of others.
And it can be as elaborate as…
Throwing a party to celebrate a milestone in their life.
Planning a weekend around their favorite activity.
Saving up for that special gift they desire.
Putting together a special book of things and memories about them.
Appreciation is putting action to your gratitude. It’s making your thankfulness visible and tangible.
WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?
Showing your appreciation to your spouse is important, because…
Appreciation is something they need.
How do you know if your spouse needs your appreciation? Check and see if they’re breathing. If they’re breathing, they need your appreciation! We all long to be appreciated. Appreciation is to our hearts what air is to our lungs. Without it, we’re lifeless. That’s how important showing appreciation is to people.
Appreciation makes a lasting impact.
Most of us remember a time, years ago when someone encouraged us with their kind words and actions. And most of us remember a time, years ago, when someone failed to encourage us with kind words and actions. The point is, we still carry the memories of these moments to this day! Whether or not you show appreciation will have a lasting impact on people.
Appreciation is simple and effective.
If you’re looking for the simplest and easiest way to build up your spouse, improve your marriage, and make points in the process…then show more appreciation. Showing appreciation costs you nothing, but it means everything to others. It takes very little of your time, but it lasts a lifetime for others. Appreciation is the IRA of relationships. Simple, regular investments will lead to big returns.
WHY DO WE STOP DOING IT?
If showing appreciation is so simple, easy, and effective, why do we tend to let it slide in marriage? Well, like many other things in life, our relationship with our spouse just gets too familiar, too comfortable, and we get lazy.
When we were dating, we intentionally worked hard at giving compliments, being encouraging, and showing appreciation, because we really wanted this person in our life. But after we’re married and we have the person we wanted, we then turn our attention to other things. We begin focusing on homes, kids, jobs, hobbies, etc. and we fail to pursue our spouse as we once did. We let our foot off the gas of the relationship and begin to coast. And we each begin to feel less and less appreciated.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO SHOW MORE APPRECIATION?
So, what can we do to get back in the appreciation game and show our spouse more appreciation? To do this, you will have to change two things…your actions and your attitude.
Your Actions.
You can start by going back to doing things you used to do when you were dating.
Compliment them on things they do, on their talents and abilities, on their character traits, etc.
Be intentional about saying “thank you” for the things they do.
Brag on them.
Leave notes of encouragement.
Use your imagination. Pay attention to the things they like. Be interested in the things they’re interested in. You know…act like you’re dating again.
Your Attitude.
There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “You never miss your water till your well runs dry.” This is so true in marriage. I can’t tell you how many people sit in my counseling office after losing their spouse to divorce or death and talk about what they miss about that person, and what they never really appreciated about that person.
We tend to take our spouses for granted and treat them as if they’re always going to be around. But, if you really want to appreciate your spouse, then live as if you might lose them at any minute. Think about the hole that would leave, the things you would miss, and all that you would long to have back. Let that attitude and those thoughts guide you in showing appreciation for your spouse.
A FINAL WORD…
I’m aware that there are spouses that might be reading this thinking, “My spouse is so hurtful that there’s not much there I can appreciate!” I know this is the case for some spouses. And I’m not saying that just showing appreciation for the few crumbs of good things you find will magically turn your marriage around…although it could help a little. But showing appreciation is not just something to do in marriage. It’s something needed in all relationships. So you can still practice appreciation and improve the other relationships in your life.
But for those who would say their marriage is not bad but it could be better, then I encourage you to work at showing more appreciation. It might just be the water that begins to revive a wilting marriage.
When you go to have your eyes checked, the first thing they do is determine your focus. They want to know what you’re able to focus on and what you’re not.
Just like your eyes, the health of your marriage has a lot to do with your focus. And just like your eyes, your focus can change over time.
IN THE BEGINING
When I officiate a wedding ceremony for a young couple, I lead them through vows that sound something like this…
“Do you promise to love and cherish (insert name) for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do you part?”
As I’m leading a couple through these vows, I know that even though they’re repeating the words, they’re really only focusing on the “better, richer, health” side of things. And it’s this focus that produces the “honeymoon” period, where they are deeply in love with one another.
A MARRIAGE OUT OF FOCUS
But, over time, spouses begin to shift from focusing on the “better” to focusing on the “worse.” Our focus on our spouse shifts:
From how they build us up to how they let us down.
From their endearing qualities to their irritating traits.
From what they use to do for us to what they fail to do for us.
From their faithful commitment to their lack of chemistry.
It’s funny how couples start off focusing on the positive, but as time goes on, their focus shifts from the positive to the negative. It’s this shift in focus that changes their appreciation for one another and turns the tide in their marriage from high tide to low tide.
When this happens, the marriage is out of focus and the couple needs to refocus.
REFOCUSING
Always remember that when it comes to marriage:
Your focus determines your attitude.
Your attitude determines your actions.
And your actions determine your outcomes.
You would be surprised at how you can change your feelings about your marriage simply by changing your focus. And it is possible to change your focus. Here are a few things that will help you refocus:
Pull out your wedding album and spend time looking at the photos.
Tell stories of your wedding, your honeymoon, or the first years of your marriage.
Talk about what you found attractive about one another.
Every day, find one thing about your spouse to appreciate and be thankful for.
Find some act of kindness to do for your spouse each day.
Remember how you use to flirt with one another and put more of that in your marriage.
Compliment and encourage your spouse at least once a day.
Try doing these things for a month – even if you don’t feel like it! You will be surprised how this will refocus your attitudes and actions toward your spouse.
Just like the health of your eyes depends on their ability to focus properly, the health of your marriage depends on your ability to focus properly.
When the couple walked into my counseling office, it was obvious things were not good between them. Their heads were down, there were very little pleasantries offered, they chose opposite sofas on which to sit, and neither wanted to be the first to talk. When they finally started opening up, each told story after story about how the other had overlooked them, stopped spending time with them, and failed to act lovingly toward them. And each confirmed that they had been acting that way toward the other!
Now, here’s the kicker…when I asked them why they were still in the marriage, each said, “Because I love them!” It was at that point, I wanted to say, “Prove it.”
