Small matters. This truth struck me one day when I discovers termites in my house. They were so small, the termite inspector had to get a magnifying glass to determine if they really were termites. They were small, but they were on their way to doing big damage. Small matters!
This is the major theme of Joshua chapter 7. Despite their amazing victory over the huge and fortified city of Jericho, the Children of Israel suddenly find themselves retreating, defeated, discouraged, and scared. And even their faithful and courageous leader Joshua is trembling with dismay. Why? Small matters.
I have done a lot of premarital counseling, and I’ve found it to be both enjoyable and frustrating. Enjoyable, because you get the opportunity to walk with a couple and to speak into their present and future lives. Frustrating, because many of these couples have no frame of reference for what you’re telling them…and they’re often too “in love” to hear it anyway.
Engaged couples mean well and they want to have the best marriage possible. It’s just that the excitement of becoming Mr. and Mrs. makes it hard from them to really imagine the feelings and frustrations they will face down the road. The light in their fiancé’s eyes blinds them to the issues that are there. The blood that rushes to their head (and other places) keeps them from hearing things they need to hear.
Remember when you first realized that marriage wasn’t what you thought it would be? Maybe it was the first time you realized those quirky parts of your spouse’s personality weren’t going to change like you thought/hoped they would. Perhaps it was when you discovered that their approach to money felt less like pulling together and more like tug-of-war. Maybe it was when you realized the sexual tension and excitement you felt during the honeymoon phase had morphed into a dull predictability that was just a notch above doing the laundry.
We’ve all encountered things in marriage and found ourselves thinking, “I wish someone had told me about this.” So I’ve thought about it, and here are some things I would tell my newly married self:
You don’t need to be right all the time…even if you think you are.
Dirty clothes go in the hamper, not on the floor beside the hamper.
Just because they say they’re fine, doesn’t mean they are.
“I wish we were closer” probably means something different to them than it does for you.
When they say, “There’s nothing in this house to eat,” it doesn’t they want to go get groceries.
They can criticize their parents. You cannot!
People’s standards for cleanliness vary greatly.
Just because their personality is different from yours doesn’t mean they are brain damaged.
Your sex life will occasionally ebb and flow, but it will always take work.
If you don’t look at them, you’re not really listening to them.
It’s ok to disagree on how to raise children. They will grow up anyway.
Compromise is not surrender.
It won’t hurt you to watch what they like to watch. (I’m still learning this one.)
The more you’re willing to release, the more you’re able to receive.
When you say, “Where do you want to eat,” and they say, “Anywhere’s fine,” DON’T BELIEVE IT!
These are just a few of the things I would tell my newly married self. I’ll bet you could add to the list. What would you tell your newly married self? Leave your ideas in the comments and let’s see how many of these we can collect…for all those people who don’t know what they’re getting into!
Walls. They prop up our structures. They give us protection, privacy, and a sense of security. Walls can also isolate us, impeded us, and entrap us. All these functions can be good or bad, depending on our motivation.
But any wall that stands between you and what God wants for you needs to come down.
“Little things are important.” “It’s the little things that mean the most.” These are sayings most of us have heard all our lives. The reason little things are important and matter so much is that big things are made up of little things. Little things require a lot of thought, discipline, commitment, and sacrifice. That means that little things are actually “big things.”
When the couple walked into my counseling office, it was obvious things were not good between them. Their heads were down, there were very little pleasantries offered, they chose opposite sofas on which to sit, and neither wanted to be the first to talk. When they finally started opening up, each told story after story about how the other had overlooked them, stopped spending time with them, and failed to act lovingly toward them. And each confirmed that they had been acting that way toward the other!
Now, here’s the kicker…when I asked them why they were still in the marriage, each said, “Because I love them!” It was at that point, I wanted to say, “Prove it.”
Everyone struggles with change. Even those who say they like change become stressed if the changes are too quick or too drastic.
In Joshua chapters 3-4, we find the Israelites preparing to cross the Jordan river and move into the Promise Land. They’re facing rapid and radical changes. They are uncertain and they don’t know from moment to moment what they are to do or how they are to do it.
It was late at night, and I was sick. It felt like someone had poured concrete in my head and chest. I had a sharp, hacking cough that sounded like a hammer on a tin roof. And though I had elevated my head in the bed, I was still tossing and turning.
My wife was in the bed, but was unable to sleep. (Gee, I wonder why.) She had spent most of the night lying in bed reading, but early in the morning she put down the book, turned off the light, and laid her head down facing me. (You can almost guess where this is going.) Unbeknownst to me, I rolled over facing her and coughed…one of those forceful, spraying coughs…right in her face!
When I was a young boy, my parents would get together with the neighbors and play cards on a Friday and Saturday night. While they were playing cards, we kids would play games and find ways to entertain ourselves. One of our favorite games to play was hide and seek in the house, and one of my favorite, most successful places to hide was in the clothes hamper. You were pretty safe in the hamper.
I was listening to a Willie Nelson CD on the way to work the other day. The CD is entitled “To All The Girls.” (I highly recommend it, if you’re a Willie fan.) There’s a song on that CD called “Walkin’.” It’s about the demise of a marriage. Listen to the words of the chorus:
After carefully considering the whole situation I stand with my back to the wall Walking is better than running away And crawling ain’t no good at all
I was struck by these words, because they sounded like things I’ve heard in my counseling office. As I listened to this song, I found myself asking out loud, “Why are walking, running, and crawling the only options for a tough marriage?”
