Welcome to the maiden voyage of the Quick Counsel Podcast. I’m your host, Bret Legg.
I’m a pastoral counselor with a Masters Degree in Marriage and Family Counseling, a Masters Degree in Religious Education, and more than 30 years of years of experience in helping people. And my goal with this podcast is to help people who might not ever go to counseling understand concepts and issues that could improve their life.
Please know this…This podcast is not a substitute for professional counseling or therapy. The purpose of this podcast is to give you, the listener, a simple and practical understanding of counseling issues and how they might apply to your life.
Each episode will be brief and easy to understand. We won’t take much of your time, but hopefully each episode will give you something that will be applicable to your life and help you grow.
So I just wanted to give you a quick introduction to me and the podcast. You can find me at bretlegg.com as well as on YouTube.
I hope you’ll tune in for each episode of the Quick Counsel Podcast and that it will bring some help and value to your life.
Thank you for listening to the Quick Counsel podcast. If you found this helpful, please subscribe, leave a comment, question, or review, and share it with others. You can also find me on YouTube and at bretlegg.com. I hope to catch you on the next episode of the Quick Counsel Podcast.
In an election year, the airwaves and internet are full of adds for those running for office. The candidates say the right things and promise to do the right things, hoping to convince people to vote for them.
It feels like the same thing when you read 2 Samuel chapters 3 and 4. Though not an exact parallel, David must respond to some divisive issues much like a politician. He must respond in a way that will endear him to those who oppose him without turning off those who are already loyal to him.
When one of David’s generals wrongly kills a prominent and much-loved general of the opposition, David responds in a way that wins the trust of the opposition (2 Sam. 3:31-39) yet does not directly discipline his own military leader. (2 Sam. 3:29,39)
When an opposing king is killed by the king’s own military leader, David further endears himself to this king’s people by having the murderer killed rather than rewarded. (See 2 Sam. 4)
Are David’s responses the evidence of Godly character or of a politician working angles to get everyone to like him? Because Scripture seems to vouch for David’s character, we could say it was the former. But since Scripture doesn’t shy away from recording the less-than-stellar moments of God’s people, we can’t say for sure.
What we do know is that David found solutions that looked beyond either/or answers. He took the empathetic high road and always gave God the glory. (2 Sam. 4:9) As a result, people were drawn to David and he won their loyalty.
We should remember and practice this in our difficult situations. Our desire should be kindness, wisdom, and godliness, rather than political correctness.
If you’ve been married for a while, maybe you’ve had this thought. It’s an unsettling thought that you’ve probably not said out loud, but it’s one you can’t seem to escape. The thought is…
“I’m not satisfied with my marriage.”
In the last Normal Marriage post, we looked at the tendency for spouses to drift apart. This post addresses the next level. Here, we move from looking at marital drifting to marital dissatisfaction.
DISSATISFACTION IN MARRIAGE
The thought that you’re not satisfied in marriage can rock you to your core. We all go into marriage believing things should be happy and easy. And when it’s not, we…
Wonder if we married the right person.
Feel like there’s something wrong with us.
Blame our spouse.
Become depressed or resentful.
Now, let’s make something clear from the start. You’re going to be dissatisfied with your marriage from time to time. Despite what you see on social media, no one has the perfect, easy marriage. As a pastoral counselor, I see a lot of marriages that look great on the outside, but behind closed doors, the marriage is not as perfect as it looks. So know that there are times when marriage won’t be satisfying.
WHAT CAUSES DISSATISFACTION IN MARRIAGE?
If I asked you, “What’s causing you to be dissatisfied with your marriage?” you may think, “That’s easy. I’m dissatisfied with my marriage because of my spouse!”
Nice try, but it’s not that easy. There can be a lot of reasons for your dissatisfaction, and not all of them are about your spouse. Obviously, issues of abuse, or adultery, or abandonment will cause major dissatisfaction in a marriage. But we’re not talking about anything that drastic. Here are a few of the more “normal” reasons why you might be dissatisfied with your marriage:
The two of you are human.
You married a flawed person. Oh, and by the way…they did too! We make mistakes at times. We’re self-absorbed at times. We get tunnel vision. We are a work in progress. (But don’t go and tell your spouse they’re “a piece of work.” That’s not what I meant!) You’re not perfect and neither is your spouse. This, in itself, can create dissatisfaction in marriage.
The two of you are different.
When people come to me for premarital counseling, I ask them what attracted them to each other. They always say it’s was because they were so much alike. But the truth is, we’re attracted more by our differences than our similarities. It’s our differences that make the relationship exciting and attractive. But here’s the problem…opposites attract before the “I do’s” and they aggravate after the “I do’s.” (Can I get an Amen?!)
But you need those differences because they compliment and shore up your weakness. Those differences that aggravate you are actually a gift to you…if you’re willing to humble yourself and accept it.
Life throws you curves.
We all want to get married and live happily ever after. But life tends to plant land mines all along our road to happily ever after. Job losses, health issues, wayward children, expenses we didn’t expect, and a host of other things can explode without warning. And the stress and strain they put on a marriage can create a lot of dissatisfaction.
Your expectations are unrealistic.
Our expectations for marriage are often unrealistic…especially in the beginning. We expect our spouse to continue to be just as enraptured with us as they were when we were dating. We expect them to always listen to us, always want to have sex with us, continue to bring us cards and flowers, be interested in everything we’re interested in, and in general see life the way we see it. These unrealistic expectations get us in trouble and keep us from being satisfied in marriage.
I’m not saying you should expect the worst. I’m just saying your expectations need to be realistic.
Hallmark movies lie to you.
Ok, maybe this is just my aversion to Hallmark movies, but it goes along with unrealistic expectations. If you compare yourself to what you see in Hallmark movies (or other media,) you will start to base your expectations on that…and you will be dissatisfied.
The point is, no marriage is perfect, and there’s a lot of perfectly normal and natural reasons spouses experience dissatisfaction in their marriage.
Does this mean that you’re just doomed to be dissatisfied in your marriage? Not at all! But it does mean that you (not just your spouse) will have to make some changes.
What changes? We’ll cover that in the next Normal Marriage post…so stay tuned!
As a kid, going on a long trip was a big deal for me. I always felt anticipation and excitement as we pulled out of the driveway. But it wouldn’t be long before I would get restless and utter the words every parent dreads…“Are we there yet?”
When I read 2 Samuel chapter 2, I imagine David feeling the same way. At the beginning of his journey, he must have been excited, knowing he would eventually become king. But he didn’t know how long and hard the trip would be. I wonder, when he was hiding in caves and running from Saul did he squirm in his seat saying, “When are we going to get there?”
After Saul died, David must have thought, “Finally! This long journey is over. We’re finally there!” But then David is not made king over all of God’s people for another seven and a half years. I can hear him saying, “When are we going to get there?!”
Why does God work so slowly at times?
Maybe it’s because God is working out a multitude of other individual trips at the same time He’s working out ours. It takes time to bring all those trips together.
Maybe it’s because the real goal is not getting us to the destination, but rather growing our relationship with Him through the journey. This takes longer.
I don’t know, but I do know that God has promised He will finish what He started in our lives (Phil. 1:6) and that He will keep His promise. (Num. 23:19) (2 Cor. 1:20)
So, when your trip seems to be taking longer than you expected and your heart cries out, “When are we going to get there?!”…learn to focus on your relationship with the Driver, and keep believing that no matter how long the trip may be, He will get you there!
It comes on slowly. It comes on gradually. But, if you’ve been married for any length of time, I’m guessing you have felt it.
The conversations have begun to fall off. The time you spend together in the car or at a restaurant is starting to feel as awkward as a first date. When you do talk, it’s mostly about the kids, or work, or what needs to be done around the house. There’s not as much joking, not as much affection, not as much sex. You’ve become more like business partners and roommates than life partners and adventurers.
This is marital drift. It’s a slow and gradual fade in the relationship. No one likes it, and we all say the fade won’t happen to us. But like your favorite shirt that has been washed too many times…It just happens.
If you’ve experienced it, you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, you will.
It’s unrealistic to think that you will dodge the bullet of marital drift. So a better use of your time and energy is to prepare for it, so you’ll be ready when it happens.
Here are three steps that you can take when you find your relationship with your spouse drifting…
DON’T PANIC…accept it.
As I said, this is normal for marriage. The more demands and responsibilities a marriage accumulates, the easier it is for spouses to drift.
Marital drift is not a sign that your marriage is bad or over. Even great marriages will experience some drift from time to time. So don’t panic. When you panic over marital drift you begin to try too hard, or blame too much, or compare your marriage to others too often.
These things will make matters worse. So stay calm. Marital drift is normal from time to time.
DON’T IGNORE IT…address it.
Just because it’s normal for a marriage relationship to drift from time to time doesn’t mean you should ignore it. Ignoring it would be like ignoring the check engine light in your car. It may be minor when you see the light, but if you ignore it long enough it could lead to major damage.
First, pay attention to the ways and times in which you find yourself drifting from your spouse. Don’t beat yourself up or blame it on your spouse. Just take note of when and where you feel the drift.
Then, ask your spouse if they have felt any drifting in the relationship. Don’t be accusatory, and don’t get your feelings hurt if they haven’t noticed it…or if they blame it on something other than what you think. This just means their focus is different than yours. Still, asking will plant a seed for them to think about.
DON’T SIT ON IT…act on it.
If you recognize the drift but do nothing, it will continue and possibly get worse. Nothing changes without some effort. So here’s a plan…
Start with your contributions.
We all want to start with what our spouse is doing or not doing, but start with your own contributions. Maybe it’s become a habit for you to focus less on your spouse and more on other things. You could be giving more of your attention to the kids, the house, work, hobbies, or something else. Certainly, there will be times when these things need a little extra attention. But if it’s become a habit to focus more on these things than on your spouse, then start with that.
FYI…you may find that the more you focus on changing your contributions the more your spouse will drift back towards you.
Next, approach your spouse.
If addressing your contributions hasn’t produced sufficient change, then you may need to approach your spouse. But don’t approach them in a blaming or demanding way. This will cause them to drift further from you.
Find a good time for this. Don’t approach them when they’re burdened and stressed out about things. Find a time when they’re relaxed and feeling good. It could be when the two of you are out to dinner, but whenever it is, pick your time well.
Start by telling your spouse how much you appreciate them. Talk about the things you admire about them. But be sincere, and don’t lay it on too thick. Be genuine.
Tell them that you’ve got a problem you can’t seem to fix. DO NOT tell them “we” have a problem and “you” need to do something about it. Keep it focused on you. Let them know you would really love and appreciate their help with your problem. Then tell them one thing you really miss in your relationship. Don’t give them a laundry list. Just give them one thing. And make it a simple and easy thing to accomplish. Then, don’t expect them to hardily agree with you, don’t expect things to change immediately, and don’t keep bringing it up.
Give Them Space and Affirmation.
Give them space and time to think about it and make a move on their own. And when your spouse does something that makes you feel good and draws you closer to them, stop right then and there and tell them how much that means to you…even if it’s not the thing you asked for. You would be surprised at how much our spouses need affirmation, and how much that affirmation will motivate them.
The above steps are not a magical cure to marital drift. They are just a way to begin redirecting the drift. They will take effort and patience…but doesn’t everything in marriage?
A FINAL WORD
Your relationship will never be everything it was when you were dating or first married. Things were different then. You were different then. But that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to keep drifting further and further apart. There are things you can do to reclaim and refit the marriage you have now.
So if you’re experiencing a drift in your relationship with your spouse, relax. Marital drift is often normal, but it should not be left to itself. To sum it up…
I’ve been to funerals where they were eulogizing the “dearly departed” and thought to myself, “Are we talking about the same person?!” Now I know it would be in poor taste to bad mouth the deceased…even if they were a mean and difficult person in life. But sometimes the things that are said about a person at their funeral barely resemble who the person was in real life. When this happens, you can’t help but wonder, “Are we talking about the same person?”
I feel like this when I read 2 Samuel chapter one. Saul was a man who was egotistical, prideful, paranoid, and homicidal. Yet to hear David’s funeral song, Saul sounds like a cross between Billy Graham and Dudley Do-Right. Saul was a man who repaid David’s bravery and loyalty by incessantly hunting him down to kill him. Still, David sings his praises and morns him as he would his own father. Why?!
Perhaps it was because David saw the bigger picture…the broader plot. David was able to see beyond the injustices that were done to him. He was able to take the wrongs of Saul’s life and see them through a spiritual lens. David related to Saul as God would relate to Saul…with grace, compassion, and mercy.
We need to remember that we only have a small and narrow picture of the person before us. Consequently, we should respond to everyone with the same grace, compassion, and mercy that we ourselves receive from God. Otherwise, these people may attend OUR funeral and think, “Are we talking about the same person?!”
Few things are more devastating or destructive to a marriage than infidelity.
It’s worse than the death of a spouse, because when a spouse dies, it’s not intentional, it’s not a betrayal, and you don’t keep running into them or dealing with them.
Infidelity…
Wrecks a dream.
Destroys trust.
Fractures a bond.
Taints communication.
Poisons the relationship.
It’s like a jet plane ramming into the twin towers of marriage, leaving massive destruction in its wake.
THE STATS
A July 2020 post in Psychology Today, titled “Infidelity: Figuring It Out,” gives the followings stats on infidelity:
22% of married men admit to straying at least once.
14% of married women admit to straying at least once.
And the rates are probably higher when you include emotional and sexual involvement apart from intercourse.
THE DEFINITION
When you think of infidelity, you typically think of someone having intercourse with someone other than their spouse/partner. But infidelity encompasses more than just intercourse outside of marriage.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines infidelity as: “The action or state of being unfaithful to a spouse or other sexual partner.”
Any time a person turns to someone other than their spouse/partner to secretly meet their emotional and/or sexual needs, it can be viewed as infidelity.
THE THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW
Here are some things you need to know about infidelity…
Infidelity produces deep and excruciating pain.
There is no pain as intense as being betrayed by the person you exclusively trusted with your body and soul. As I said, it’s a pain greater than losing your spouse to death…because death is not an intentional choice against you.
Infidelity puts trust on life-support.
Trust is the lifeblood of any relationship. Without it, the relationship can’t survive. The revelation that your spouse has secretly turned to someone else for emotional and/or sexual satisfaction leaves trust in shambles and the hope of rebuilding trust questionable.
Some marriages cannot survive infidelity.
Though I have helped many couples work through infidelity and go on to build a strong marriage, some marriage cannot survive that kind of betrayal. Sometimes it’s because the spouse that cheated can’t do what it takes to rebuild trust, and sometimes it’s because the spouse that was betrayed can’t get past what happened and trust their spouse again. (More on this below.) Either way, not every couple survives infidelity. Perhaps this is why even the Bible lists infidelity as an acceptable reason for a marriage to end.
Some marriages can survive infidelity.
As I said above, I’ve helped many couples work through the pain of infidelity. It’s a long and difficult process, but if both spouses are willing to roll up their sleeves and do the work, the marriage can not only be saved…it can become stronger and better than ever.
Infidelity is a message about the spouses and their marriage.
I’m not excusing the infidelity. (I’ll get to that in a minute) But there was something going on with the individual spouses and the way they were relating to one another that set an environment conducive to infidelity. One of the keys to remaking a better marriage after the infidelity is to understand what was happening to create that environment and to work to change it.
Infidelity is a choice, and cannot be blamed on anything or anyone other than the person who chose to be unfaithful.
As I said above, infidelity cannot be excused. The unfaithful spouse could have chosen other options. They could have expressed their dissatisfaction with their spouse or the marriage. They could have confessed their temptation to stray and asked for help. The unfaithful spouse could have gone to counseling or insisted that the two of them go to marriage counseling. Ultimately, they could have ended the marriage if they were that unhappy. There are always choices other than betraying your spouse. The responsibility for the infidelity lies squarely on the shoulders of the one who chose to be unfaithful.
THE THINGS YOU NEED TO DO
Infidelity does not have to end a marriage. If both spouses are willing to commit to one another, seek counseling, and do the hard work, they can rebuild a new and better marriage.
With the help of a counselor, here’s what spouses need to do to work through infidelity…
Resist/Reject.
From the very outset, the unfaithful spouse must completely resist all impulses to contact the infidelity partner in any way. They must also reject all attempts for the infidelity partner to contact them. All contact between the two must be cut off for rebuilding to work. Realistically, this will not be easy for an unfaithful spouse. They have experienced something exciting and seemingly fulfilling with this other person, and even if they cut off all contact, they will still grieve the loss. This is hard for the betrayed spouse to watch, but it’s a natural part of the process.
Reveal.
Once the infidelity has come out into the open, every detail must be revealed.
When I’m helping couples recover from infidelity, I have one session in which the spouse who was betrayed can ask their spouse any and every question they feel necessary…even down to questions about the times, places, and types of sex they had. Admittedly, this is painful for both spouses, but the greatest pain has already been inflicted with the infidelity. If the trust is ever to be restored, there can be nothing hidden or secret. This type of revealing also helps the betrayed spouse eventually get past asking incessant questions that can eventually damage the recovery process.
Review.
Once every question has been asked and everything has been disclosed, then the couple needs to move on to reviewing their marriage…from the beginning to where things began to run off the rails.
Typically, there’s a subtle drift between spouses. Often, this drift begins with the onset of kids and career focus. Spouses begin to talk less and take each other for granted. Fatigue becomes a bigger factor. The sexual relationship is given less and less attention. Stressors and tensions slowly increase.
Whatever the reasons, spouses need to review the evolution (or devolution) of their marriage to understand what happened to set the stage for infidelity.
Rebuild.
Having done the review, the couple then must change the habits and structures that contributed to the weakening of their marriage. This may include…
Working on new communications skills and strategies.
Investing more in childcare or other systems so they can spend more time together.
Developing better conflict resolution skills.
Getting some individual counseling for personal issues that might be causing problems in the marriage.
Working through infidelity is hard, but just working through infidelity without doing the work of rebuilding a better marriage simply sets the stage for future failure.
A WORD OF WARNING
I believe it’s possible for a marriage to survive infidelity with counseling and hard work. But there are some couples who come to counseling to work through infidelity that don’t make it. When this happens, it’s typically for one of two reasons…
The spouse who was unfaithful can’t tolerate the scrutiny necessary to rebuild trust. For a while, the unfaithful spouse has to be totally open with their whereabouts, their cell phone, their social media passwords, etc. Their life has to be under a microscope for a while so that their spouse can rebuild trust. If they can’t tolerate this scrutiny, they won’t be able to rebuild.
The spouse who was betrayed can’t let go of the offense and move forward. When the unfaithful spouse has done everything they can to prove they’re trustworthy, the responsibility for moving forward then shifts to the spouse who was betrayed. The betrayed spouse then must choose to forgive, let go, and move forward. If the betrayed spouse can’t do that, the marriage probably won’t survive.
These two things can ultimately wreck a couple’s attempts to recover from infidelity.
A FINAL WORD
This is what I want you to understand…
If there’s been infidelity…it doesn’t have to be the end of the marriage.
That’s not to say that every marriage will survive infidelity, but they can, with counseling, hard work, and support. That’s both my goal and my prayer.
Have you ever watched a movie that ended abruptly, without a resolution? You’re waiting for things to turn around, but it never happens. It just ends with a heavy “thud.”
The book of 1 Samuel ends this way.
The final chapter ends the book (and the life of Saul) with a heartbreaking “thud.” You find yourself thinking back over Saul’s life and asking, “How did things come to this?”
Though 1 Samuel chapter 31 tells us when Saul came to his end, the entire book tells us how Saul got to that point. He got there gradually…little by little. He got there by…
Focusing on the quick way rather than the right way.
Worrying more about his image than his integrity.
Being motivated more by fear than by faith.
Serving himself more than serving God or others.
Being impulsive rather than being disciplined.
Saul was dying throughout the entire book…little by little. Chapter 31 is just the conclusion of a long, slow death.
Maybe you’ve asked the question, “How did things get to this point?” about your own life.
The record of Saul’s life is a warning to us. If we respond to things as Saul did, we too will be dying a slow, lingering death. We may live a long life, but spiritually we will die a slow death. Remember the words of Jesus…
“Then, calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must give up your own way, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake and for the sake of the Good News, you will save it.” (Mark 8:34-35 NLT)
Perhaps you’ve been there. You and your spouse are “discussing” something when suddenly you realize things are getting heated and going south. If it goes much further, you’ll hit a point of no return and it won’t end well.
This is normal in marriage. It happens to everyone from time to time. But how you handle these times can either hurt or help your marriage. So it’s important to recognize when things are getting heated so you can handle them well.
What Are the Signs That Things Are Getting Heated?
When things heat up, it seems to hit us with little warning. It feels like we’ve gone from zero to sixty instantly. But, there are actually warning signs that things are heading south. Here are some signs that your “discussion” is getting heated:
You’re getting tense.
Your pulse is rising.
You feel offended.
You feel defensive.
You’re getting angry.
You’re raising your volume.
You want to withdraw.
You want to go into attack mode.
You’re thinking or saying things you wouldn’t normally think or say.
You no longer remember or care what started it, you just want it to end.
When you’re experiencing these things, your “discussion” is heating up and heading south.
Why Do Things Get Heated?
As I said, it’s normal for things to occasionally get heated between spouses. There are some really normal reasons for this. It can happen when the “discussion”…
Comes at a time when you’re tired and spent.
Happens at the end of a day full of difficulties.
Touches something about which you’re especially sensitive.
Addresses an area about which you’re especially passionate.
Criticizes your personality differences.
Keeps repeating and never gets solved.
Whatever the reason, there is something about this “discussion” that tends to move things from a spark to a wild fire.
What Can You Do When Things Get Heated?
So many marriages remain distant and frustrated because they don’t know how to handle these critical, heating up moments.
So I want to give you a simple approach that will help avert things before they reach the point of no return. Here it is…
If things are getting heated…take a time-out.
We do this with children, but it turns out that adults can benefit from a time-out also.
How Do You Do It?
Now I know that when things are getting heated, taking a time out can be easier said than done. So let me give you some rules for engagement for taking a time-out:
Talk about a time-out before it’s needed. If you call a time-out before you’ve discussed this tactic with your spouse, it could come across as a way of shutting them down or getting around the issue. So when things are good between the two of you, bring up the idea of time-outs as a way of not getting into hurtful fights. (Who doesn’t want that?)
Signal a time out. Agree upon some sort of signal to use when you need to call a time out. You can use the “T” sign used in sports or any other sign you want. (Make it something fun…no middle fingers!)
Explain why you called the time-out. Let your spouse know that the time out is about you. Tell them that you are getting to a point where you’re afraid you will say or do something that would hurt them, and you don’t want to do that.
Give them a reconnect time. This is important. Without giving your spouse a definite time when you will come back and address the issue, it will feel like you’re blowing them off to get them off your back.
Keep your promise to reconnect. This is equally important. If you don’t keep your promise to finish the discussion at the set time, your spouse will not trust any further time-outs and will keep pressing you. Be true to your word and reconvene when promised.
Repeat as needed. You will need to repeat this approach from time to time. But, the more you effectively use time-outs, the less you will need to use them.
The next time things are getting heated between you and your spouse, try taking a time-out. I promise you will get further with less damage using time-outs than continuing to let things heat up until someone gets singed.
You can’t please everyone. No matter how hard you try, someone is not going to like something you’ve said or done.
But David was a man who seemed to be able to get along with a wide variety of people. In 1 Samuel chapters 29 and 30, we see David masterfully developing trust and good relations with a wide variety of often opposing groups.
David rallies the very men who, earlier, were so upset with him they were ready to kill him.
David is able to enlist an Amalekite slave who had previously destroyed David’s village.
David becomes a mediator for his men when they are in the midst of a disagreement.
David endears himself to the leaders of his home country…even though that country had run him out of town and tried to kill him.
How does he do it? How does Dave foster trust and loyalty among others…many of whom are enemies to him and each other?
First, David built relationships by showing kindness and respect to others. But more important than his relationship with others was his relationship with God…
When David didn’t know what to do, he turned to God for insight and answers. (1 Samuel 23:2,4,6,9,11,12.)
When David encountered unfair treatment, he trusted God to right the wrongs and ensure justice. (1 Samuel 24:12,15)
When David was discouraged and demoralized, he found his strength and hope in God. (1 Samuel 30:6)
David was submissive and obedient to God, and God made him wise and discerning…which, in turn, strengthened his relationships and interactions with others.
Do you have trouble getting along with people? If so, check your submission and obedience to God. This is always the starting place for great relationships…and great endeavors.
