Month: January 2021

Firing Up Your Marriage the Right Kindling

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Sometimes, my wife and I will meet our kids and grandkids out on a wooded piece of property they own. There, the kids fish in the pond and play in the woods, while the adults take it easy and visit.

As evening falls, the task turns to building a fire, and the kids are sent out to gather kindling. They come back with armloads of twigs and sticks, proudly presenting them to the adults for approval. Then, the adults help them arrange the kindling in the best way to start the fire. The kids learn it takes small kindling to start big fires.

This is not true only for campfires but it’s also true for marriage.

MARRIAGE KINDLING

So often, spouses look for that one big thing that will turn things around in their marriage and reignite the fire of their relationship. But just like it takes small kindling to get a campfire going, it takes small things to get a marriage fire going.

What kind of kindling can you use to build the fire of your marriage? Here are a few kindling starters:

Smile.

You would be surprised how a simple smile can warm up your spouse and your marriage. When I come home from work, my wife can change my whole outlook and attitude in a second when she greets me with a smile. It’s a small thing, but just smiling more will spark good things in your marriage.

Help without being asked.

Now if you don’t typically do this, don’t be surprised if your spouse questions your motives at first. But just keep doing it, because it shows your spouse that you see what they’re going through and that you care enough to want to help them. It’s a great way to build a marriage fire.

Love your children well.

This is especially something husbands need to do. Guys, the quickest way to your wife’s heart is through the children. When they see you spending time, listening, playing, and loving on the kids, it will fire up their heart towards you.

Compliment.

People thrive on honest compliments, and compliments are some of the simplest kindling you can use to get a marriage fire going. But, the longer we’re married, the less we tend to compliment one another. It’s been said that the best thing a parent can do is to catch their kids doing something right/good and compliment them on it. But it’s also one of the best things spouses can do for each other. Compliment something they’ve done, the way they look, or a character trait they have. Just compliment them.

Run errands together.

This may seem mundane, but it shows your spouse you want to hang out with them…even if it’s just doing something as commonplace as running errands. It gives you a simple way to spend time together, to talk, or just listen to the radio together. You don’t have to run every errand together, but doing it more often than not will add warmth to the relationship.

Do something they want to do.

When you were dating, you were interested in the things that interested them. That’s part of kindling that helped them fell in love with you. So why would you stop now? Doing things your spouse wants to do is a clear “I love you” to them. Especially if you’re doing something they know you don’t like to do. (It’s extra points!)

Leave a note.

It’s simple, cheap, and easy to leave a note for your spouse. Yet few things make as much impact on a spouse as leaving them a note. Yes, you can send them a text, but it’s not as good as taking out a pen and leaving a sticky note for them to find. It can be a loving thought, a sentimental memory, or something hot and steamy. Leaving notes for them to find will help to build a fire in your marriage. (Just don’t make it a reminder of something they need to do. That will rain on the fire.)

Flirt.

Playful flirting can spark a fire in your relationship. And it’s something you can do despite the age and stage of your marriage. You don’t have to be young and look like models to playfully flirt with one another. But a word to husbands…If the only time you flirt with your spouse is when you want sex, your flirting will backfire on you and have the opposite effect. So learn to flirt for the sake of flirting…and not always for a desired outcome.

Take initiative.

Whether it be something they want or someplace they want to go, if there’s something important to them, take initiative on it. Don’t wait for them to repeat it over and over, and don’t wait for them to ask you to. Taking the initiative, without having to be told, will spark something in your spouse and your relationship.

These are just some of the small kindling you can use to start a fire between you and your spouse. And you will be surprised at how such small things can build such a big love between the two of you. You can probably think of other kindling ideas, and I would love for you to leave those in the comments. We could all use the help.

A FINAL WORD OF CAUTION

As you apply this kindling to your marriage, do it without expectation of anything in return. Make sure it’s the kindling of appreciation and not manipulation.

Here’s to building some fire in your marriage.

2 Samuel 24 – Righting Your Wrongs

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Have you ever done something you knew was not right? Maybe others even told you it wasn’t wise, but you did it anyway. Then afterwards, things began to unravel. Your conscience began to trouble you. Your situation got worse. And you began to realize you needed to right your wrong.

Oddly enough, God ends the book of 2 Samuel with just such a situation. In 2 Samuel chapter 24, Israel has sinned and David falls to temptation, taking an unnecessary and uncalled for census. (1 Chronicles 21:1) Perhaps David’s act of taking a census was an act of pride and arrogance, but afterwards David knows he has done wrong. God, being just, brings judgement on the sin of David and Israel…graciously allowing David some say in the judgement.

Then, in mercy, God relents. He tells David to offer a sacrifice at the very place where David experienced mercy.  Though the owner of the land, the oxen, and the wood needed for the sacrifice offers it all to David for free, David insists on buying them instead…knowing that by its very nature and definition, a sacrifice must cost us something.

Why would God put such an account at the end of 2 Samuel? Why would He conclude the story of David in such a way? Perhaps its a reminder to us that no matter how much God blesses us, we should never get “too big for our britches.” Perhaps its a reminder to listen to wise counsel, no matter how successful we’ve become. (Proverbs 13:10) (Proverbs 21:11) (Proverbs 11:14) And perhaps it’s a reminder that God will not ignore sin…no matter who you are. (Numbers 32:23)

We must not forget that how our story ends will depend on whether we heed these same reminders and remain humble before the Lord.

#19 Dealing with Differences in Marriage

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There are always gaps between spouses. One may be a spender and the other a saver. One may be an introvert and the other an extrovert. One may be a detailed person and the other a big-picture person. These gaps originally were attractive, but over time, they become glaring and aggravating. When that happens, we often deal with it in ways that make matters worse. In this podcast, you will get four strategies to help with the gaps in your marriage.

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What are the Glory Days of Your Marriage?

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Glory days. If you’re a Bruce Springsteen fan, those words will automatically bring a great song to mind. But the concept of glory days has been around much longer than Springsteen.

GLORY DAYS.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines glory days as a period of time when someone was very successful. You might hear someone talk about their glory days on the high school football team. And a business might refer to their glory days as a time when sales and profits were very high. In other words, glory days refers to a time when things were very good.

But how does the concept of glory days apply to marriage?

THE GLORY DAYS OF MARRIAGE.

For some spouses, if you mention their glory days, they would immediately think of their honeymoon years and the fun and the adventure they had when it was just the two of them.

For others, mention glory days and they think of their current situation. The good jobs that they have. Their nice house. Their wonderful kids. Their community involvement. For some couples, these are the glory days.

Other spouses feel like their glory days are ahead of them. They look to the days when they are empty-nesters, when their kids are happily married, when they can enjoy their grandchildren, or when they finally are able to retire and travel.

But here’s the problem. For the first group, their glory days are already behind them. So they have nothing to look forward to. For the second group, they may be experiencing their glory days, but they can’t hang onto them, so those glory days won’t last. And for the third group, their glory days are beyond their reach…and may not even come. And all of these takes on glory days are dependent on the circumstances being good.

Consequently, these three views make the glory days temporary at best and unattainable at worst.

Maybe we need a better way to achieve our glory days in marriage.

A NEW APPROACH TO GLORY DAYS.

Before my children were born I made a commitment to myself to make the most of every age and stage they went through. I wanted to drink in everything at every age and stage, so I didn’t look back and think I missed something. And for the most part, I was able to do just that. (Although, I will admit, this was slightly harder to do during their teen years. But only a little.)

That was a good strategy for parenting. But now, at 60+ years of age and 40+ years of marriage, I’m beginning to think that drinking in and making the most of every age and stage is not only a good strategy for parenting. It’s also a good strategy for marriage.

What if our strategy for marriage was to make the most of every age and stage of marriage – whether easy or hard – so that we didn’t have to look back and say we missed something? What if we learned to drink in every stage of our marriage…whether as young couples romping in our honeymoon bed, or senior adults holding hands over the rail of the hospital bed?

If we took this approach to marriage, it would probably change our view on glory days. Glory days would be…

  • Less about circumstances and more about commitment.
  • Less about how good things are for us and more about how good we are for each other.
  • Less about having what we want and more about having who we want.
  • Less about the road we travel and more about our traveling companion.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

Intentionally drinking in and making the most of every age and stage of marriage could lead you to turn your current moments into glory days. (Wouldn’t that be something?!)

So stop wistfully looking to the glory days of the past. Stop grieving the glory days you can’t hold on to. And stop longing for the glory days that may or may not come. Take each moment you have with your spouse…whether easy or difficult…and make the most of it. Drink it in and see how many glory days you can actually make!

#18 How Do You Know If You’re on the Right Path?

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We all want to know that we’re making the right decisions and going in the right direction. But with so many decision to make, and so many options out there, how can you know? In this podcast, I’ll give you 3 simple questions that will give you greater clarity when it comes to determining if you’re on the right path. We’ll even ask an even bigger question, “Is there really such thing as a “right path?”

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2 Samuel 23 – Superheroes

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Over the years, superhero movies have made a comeback. When I was a boy, I read superhero comic books and dreamed about what it would be like if they really existed. I wondered what it would be like if you could watch their mighty acts and see them use their powers.

What it would be like if I could be a superhero?

In 2 Samuel chapter 23, we read about men who were the superheroes of their day. These men did extraordinary things and were heralded as heroes among the people. And they were not just fantasy, science fiction characters. They really existed!

No, these men were not able to fly, shoot beams from their eyes, or see-through walls. But they did have special characteristics that made them superheroes.

What were those characteristics?

  • Loyalty.
  • Willingness to face difficulty.
  • Belief in what they were doing.
  • Unwavering trust in God.
  • Persistence.
  • Complete commitment to their goal.
  • A refusal to give up.

These are the qualities that turned ordinary men into superheroes.

So what I dreamed of as a kid is possible. It’s possible to have real live superheroes in our midst. More than that, it’s possible for me to be one of them. Not by having extraordinary outward abilities, but by having extraordinary inward qualities. These are the inward qualities that lead us to extraordinary actions.

You don’t have to have a cape to be a superhero. You just have to lean on the power and might of the Lord. (2 Sam. 23:10-12) (Zech. 4:6) (Zech. 10:12)

Don’t Feel Attracted to Your Spouse? Try These 4 Principles.

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It seems like attraction should be a key ingredient in marriage. After all, we all want to be attracted to our spouse, and we want our spouse to be attracted to us.

But what if that attraction isn’t there? What then?

ATTRACTION.

Attraction can fluctuate throughout the course of a marriage. It’s strong in the early days of marriage, when you’re both young, pretty, and getting to know one another. Then attraction gets tenuous a few years in, when your habits and personality traits start to wear on one another. In the middle years of marriage, attraction can easily get lost amidst the demands of building careers, raising kids, and paying bills. Attraction can surge some in the early empty-nester years, when kids leave and finances stabilize. And attraction gets redefined in your latter years, as age and physical health introduces complications and restrictions on life.

Attraction can be hard to define, but one thing’s for certain…we know when it’s not there! And if it’s not there, we often feel like all we can do is helplessly wait and hope it will eventually return.

PRINCIPLES OF ATTRACTION.

If you’re not feeling attracted to your spouse, don’t panic. Psychological studies have uncovered many principles of attraction that you can take advantage of. Here are just four of those principles and how you can apply them to your marriage. (Note: these were prompted by an article entitled, “These are the 4 Elements of Attraction, According to Psychology.” by Brooklyn Reece.)

Proximity.

This refers to the fact that you’re more likely to feel attracted to someone with whom you are in close, consistent physical proximity. It may not seem like it if you’ve been in quarantine with your spouse, but it’s easier to build attraction between people who spend a lot of time together, than between people who spend a lot of time apart. That’s why romantic relationships often occur between people who spend a lot of time working together, playing on the same team, serving in the same organizations, etc.

Yet, it’s so easy for spouses to drift apart physically. We have our own cars, our own activities, our own hobbies, and our own devices. On top of that, if you have kids who are involved in a lot of activities, you can easily find yourselves running in separate directions.

If you want to build attraction, be intentional about spending time together. Even simple things like going to the store together, sitting on the couch together, or sharing a cup of coffee together can help to gradually foster attraction.

Similarity.

I’m sure you’re familiar with the old saying, “Opposites attract.” While that may be partially true when you’re dating, the reality is that marital attraction is fueled more by your similarities than your differences. If you love the outdoors, you’re more attracted to those who love the outdoors. If you love to dance, you’re more attracted to someone who loves to dance. Introverts are more attracted to introverts and educated people are more attracted to other educated people.

If you’re thinking, “Great! We’re so different we don’t stand a chance!” you’re not alone. No couple is completely similar. Most every married couple has some glaring differences between them.

The problem is, we get used to focusing on our differences. But you and your spouse are more similar than you may think. Remember, it wasn’t just your differences that attracted you to one another. It was also your similarities.

So if similarity fosters attraction, then spend more time focusing on your similarities. It will gradually help to foster attraction in your marriage.

Physical Attractiveness.

This one is pretty self-explanatory. Though everyone has their own likes and ideas when it comes to what they find physically attractive, finding someone physically attractive tends to increase your attraction to them.

Now, before you look in the mirror and get discouraged, remember this…

Physical attraction is often the front door into relational attraction, but it is not the glue that maintains attraction over the long haul. Age and gravity will eventually overcome our attempts to hold onto physical attractiveness. But hopefully, a couple will build a relational and emotion attractiveness that will take over as physical attractiveness fades.

This does not mean you should let yourself go, or ignore your appearance, or quit trying to be physically attractive to your spouse. But you should also be working on the inner beauty that will continue to attract your spouse…long after the outer beauty fades.

Reciprocity.

Reciprocity refers to the fact that we tend to be attracted to people who are attracted to us. To put it simply…we tend to like people who like us. Not surprising, right?

If you’re thinking, “Oh no! We’re in trouble, because neither of us really likes the other right now,” don’t let that spook you. It actually means you have the ability to change things! Let me explain.

The principle of reciprocity infers that if you begin liking your spouse, it’s more probable that they will begin liking you…and visa versa. So, start liking your spouse and it will help them to start liking you.

I know…easier said than done, right?

Well, start with this… stop focusing on all the things you don’t like about your spouse and start focusing on all the things you do like about your spouse. This will make a big difference in your attitude. And, as you practice the other three principles we’ve listed, you will find this fourth principle starting to kick in.

THE BOTTOM LINE.

It’s easy to think that attraction to your spouse is something you have little control over. It’s easy to view attraction as some involuntary response that you either have or you don’t.

But if you believe that, you will be at the mercy of something that we’ve already seen can ebb and flow in a marriage.

Attraction is actually something that can be fostered and fanned into flame in a marriage, through the right actions and attitudes. So don’t wait for attraction to come to you. Go make it happen!

2 Samuel 22 – Thinking About God’s Goodness

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As I was out walking one morning, I was struck by how pleasant the morning was. It was a little cool, a little breezy, and just right. And so, I started thinking about how good I really have it. I thought about how much God has blessed me and how far He has brought me. His goodness came flooding in on me.

That’s what’s happening with David in 2 Samuel chapter 22. At a time when things are good, David thinks back on all that God has done for him. He thinks about the places to which God has brought him and he’s flooded with the realization of how good God has been to him. David is so overwhelmed by all that God has done for him that he sings and compares it to Moses’ Red Sea crossing.

When’s the last time you found yourself thinking about God’s goodness. How long has it been since you have rehearsed God’s leading, rescues, provision, and protection?

Things might not be all that good for you right now, but it’s funny how rehearsing God’s past goodness to you can change your perspective on your present situation.

Try it. I dare you!

#17 What is Standing in the Way of Your Happiness

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So often we say, “I could really be happy if only…” and then we talk about something we feel is standing in the way of our happiness. 

Well, today on Quick Counsel, we’re going to look at what’s standing in the way our our happiness. 

Spoiler alert! It might not be what you think. 

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2 Samuel 20-21 – There’s a Time for Everything.

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According to the 60’s rock group, The Byrds, there is a time and a season for everything. (Actually, that idea comes from Ecclesiastes chapter 3. The Byrds just borrowed it.) Sometimes it’s time to heal, and sometimes it’s time to kill. Sometimes it’s time for peace, and sometimes it’s time for war. I guess the key is knowing which time is which, and when one time will actually lead to the other.

The theme of 2 Samuel 19 was mercy and forgiveness. But in the next 2 chapters, the theme or season changes to punishment and avenging.

David sends his army to squelch a revolt led by Sheba. It ends in Sheba having his head cut off and tossed over the wall of the city in which he was hiding. Joab takes back his position of leadership by killing his cousin (who had been given the job,) and David turns over seven relatives of the former king Saul to be executed by the Gibeonites for crimes against them carried out by Saul.

It can feel a little like Jekyll and Hyde when you compare 2 Samuel chapter 19 to 2 Samuel chapters 20 and 21. And I admit, I’m not sure I have the contrast figured out. But it seems that all the actions taken in chapters 20-21 are for the purpose of restoring peace and unity.

So, perhaps the lesson is this…the goal should always be peace and unity. If that goal can be attained by extending mercy and grace, we should do so. If not, we may have to pursue more “aggressive” options…but only for the purpose of maintaining peace and unity.

And we must diligently seek God for the wisdom to know which option is called for.