While in seminary, I served as a hospice chaplain to patients who were diagnosed with 6 months or less to live.
There was a nice and personable patient who sticks in my memory. This man had a wonderful wife, kids, and grandkids. He had just retired and was getting ready to spend retirement traveling when he received his diagnosis. Instead of enjoying a hard-earned retirement traveling around the country, he would live out a few short months confined to a hospital bed in his house.
I remember leaving that home thinking, “There are bad people in this city who will live to a ripe old age. Yet this sweet patient will die early and never enjoy his retirement. This doesn’t make sense!”
I have the same feeling when I read 2 Kings chapter 5. The story doesn’t make sense:
A slave girl shows care and compassion toward her captor. (2 Kings 5:3)
A ruthless king shows compassion and care for a commander and sends him for healing.
God’s king and the servant of God’s prophet both are self-centered and lack compassion.
The man in need of healing is prideful and arrogant at first, yet he’s still healed.
The servant of God’s prophet ends up with leprosy.
In other words, the people you would have thought to be selfish were compassionate, and the people you would have thought to be compassionate were selfish.
THE TWO THINGS THAT ALWAYS MAKE SENSE
Naaman’s healing came about because of people in his life who were compassionate and cared for him, while Gehazi’s leprosy came about because of his greed and lack of compassion.(2 Kings 5:20)
Care and compassion are two things that always make sense because they are akin to God’s own heart. Selfishness and greed, on the other hand, are forces akin to the evil one.
So, despite the assumptions people might make about you, if they dug down to your core, would they find care and compassion for others or selfishness and greed for yourself? Would they find the heart of God or the heart of the enemy?
Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage, and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records.
When I have a couple in my office whose marriage is not doing well, I always ask them when things started to go south. More often than not, the answer relates to when they became parents.
WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS, THINGS CHANGE
Resources.
You have a lot more resources prior to having kids. You have more…
Sleep.
Free Time.
Personal Time.
Social Time.
Flexibility.
Sex.
Spontaneity.
Privacy.
Money.
But after you have kids, these things become more scarce, and it puts more stress on spouses.
Roles.
But there’s another dynamic that happens after we have kids, and that has to do with our changing roles.
Before children, we were just husband and wife. We were playmates; focused on one another. But when kids come along, we’re no longer just husband and wife. We’re also mom and dad. And this changes the dynamic of the relationship.
Wives shift into the mom role, and everything about them is centered on the child. If they carried the child in pregnancy, the child has already effected everything about them…including their body. Moms become very focused on the care and nurturing of children.
Husbands are different. Husbands tend to be a little slower to make the shift to dad role. Maybe it’s because dads don’t carrying the child for nine months. Or maybe it’s because husbands are just wired differently. Whatever the reason, husbands are not as centered on the child at first. All they know is they see their wife changing into a mom and they feel like they’re losing their playmate.
The Result.
So husbands will try to get their playmate back. This can be a bit annoying for wives, who often see their husband’s attempts as either a sign of selfishness or immaturity. So a wife will communicate to her husband that he’s an adult who can take care of himself, but this child needs her.
Eventually, a husband will quit trying to get his playmate back and succumb to the fact that he now has a mom in her place. Then, he will shift into a dad roll by working hard at his job to provide well for his family.
And thus begins the marital drift. Though there can be some flips in gender and wage-earner roles, by and large wives focus on kids and husbands focus on work. When kids become older and more self-sufficient, a wife feels a little more freedom to turn back toward her husband and reconnect. The problem is, the husband is now accustomed to his role as a hard-working provider and doesn’t easily make the shift back. And so distance and dissatisfaction begin to set in like concrete.
GETTING THINGS BACK IN ORDER.
So, if putting your kids ahead of your spouse is one way to lose your marriage, then the remedy for this is to put your partnering back in front of your parenting. To be husband and wife first and dad and mom second.
So here are some things that will help you put your partnering in front of your parenting. You won’t be perfect at these things, but you don’t have to be. You just have to be better at them.
Make Time Together a Priority.
Caring for children carries big demands that often leave spouses with little time or energy at the end of a long day.
I’m not saying you should neglect you children. I’m just saying you should make sure you and your spouse get a cut of the time you have.
Spend daily time together.
Maybe you can spend a few minutes together after you get home from work.
Maybe you can start putting your kids to bed 30 minutes earlier in order to get 30 minutes together before you go to bed.
Maybe you can find a few minutes together at the dinner table, after the kids have left the table.
Whatever works for you, find some time each day to connect. Then, you need to move on to…
Spend weekly time together.
Have a weekly date night. If you can’t go weekly, then go out every other week. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It just needs to be intentional. You were in love when you used to date, so continuing to date will help to rekindle some of that.
Some things won’t get done if you do these things. But, maybe spending a few minutes together is more important. Think of it not as a loss, but as a trade.
Make Financing Your Relationship Together a Priority.
Even if you have to eat Ramen Noodles one night a week or skip a trip or two to Sartbucks, make sure you budget money for date nights, baby sitters, movies, or whatever you want to do together. Spending time together is worth the sacrifice somewhere else. And you will eventually get to the place where you can afford it without the sacrifice.
Make Sex Together a Priority.
Studies show that there is a correlation between marriage satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. When sexual satisfaction increase, so does marriage satisfaction. Even 1 Corinthians 7:5 says we are to not forsake the sexual relationship in marriage, but rather to regularly come together for sex.
I know spouses often disagree on how often they should be having sex, but sit down, reach an agreement, and then stick to it. On those nights you’re going to have sex, help one another out with kids and chores around the house, in order to make time and energy for sex. You may also need to let some things go on those evenings, for the sake of having time for sex.
But you’ll be surprised how regularly enjoying sex together will strengthen the bond between the two of you and keep your marriage a priority.
Make Laughing Together a Priority.
If you’re not having fun with someone, why would you want to spend time them?
So find things that will make each other laugh. Watch funny movies together. Tell each other jokes. Flirt. Recall funny moments. Do whatever you need to do to laugh together. Because when you don’t laugh together, it makes it harder to live together.
Make Goals and Dreams Together a Priority.
It’s easy to talk about your goals and dreams for your kids. But…don’t take this the wrong way…your kids are sort of temporary. They’re going to grow up, move away, and start marriages and families of their own.
So make goals and dreams for just the two of you. It’s a good way of reminding you that ultimately, the two of you are the priority. Even if you don’t reach every goal or dream you set, you’ve still had the fun and bonding of doing it together.
These are just a few of the things you can do to keep from putting your kids ahead of your spouse and losing your marriage. And now…
A FINAL WORD…
To some, putting your spouse ahead of your kids may seem wrong…or at least more idealistic than realistic. They may think, “I could never do this. You just don’t know how it is at my house! You don’t know how hard it is! If we do all of this, there won’t be enough time to get everything done!” And those that think that would be right!
I know it’s demanding at your house, and I know it’s hard. I’ve had to raise kids and maintain a marriage and family while going to grad school and working two jobs. And you’re right…there won’t be enough time for everything. But if you’re so busy that you have to put your marriage on the back burner to get it all done, then you have too many “priorities.” Not everything can be a priority, and how can you expect to have a rich marriage “later” if you’re not making the proper investments now?
So, keep your partnering ahead of your parenting, because putting your kids ahead of your spouse is one of the ways to lose your marriage. It’s on the List!
If you had superpowers, what would you do? Most of us would say something like, “help others.” But wouldn’t it be tempting to use your power to do a little grand-standing? And how would you know if you were really using your power to help others or to draw attention to yourself?
Elisha
In 2 Kings chapter 4, Elisha is doing one miracle after another. And because of the way these events are narrated, it appears that Elisha is showing off. But if you look at the chapter carefully, you find that…
Elisha’s interest is always focused on caring for the needs of others.
The miracles are often done either behind closed doors (2 Kings 4:4, 33) or in the company of the prophets (2 Kings 4:38-44.) The miracles are not to impress the general public.
Elisha acknowledges that he is submissive to the real miracle worker…God. (2 Kings 4:27, 43.)
Us
All of us are like Elisha. We may not be able to do dramatic miracles, but God has given us many other things we could use to benefit others. Things like our:
Time.
Talent.
Resources.
Experience.
Fruit of the Spirit.
Etc.
Though more subtle than Elisha’s miracles, we can take what God has given us and produce one miracle after another in other’s lives.
Are you doing that, or are you taking what God has given you and using it for your own benefit? Are you doing what you do for others behind closed doors, so as to not draw attention to yourself? Do you readily acknowledge that what you have is a gift from God to be gifted to others?
We do have superpowers as believers. Jesus even said that we would do even greater things than He did. (John 14:12) The Spirit that empowered Elisha and raised Jesus from the dead dwells in us as believers.
Some time ago, I spent a few days thinning out over 20 years of counseling files. As I went through each individual file, it was like a trip down memory lane. With each file, I could see their faces and remember their issues.
While doing this, I was struck by how many married couples I had worked with. I celebrated those couples who had turned things around and went on to have great marriages. But I also grieved over those marriages that ended in divorce.
Burdened by those marriages that ended in divorce, I began keeping a list of issues that contributed to those divorces. I discovered that, despite the uniqueness of each couple, there were some common and reoccurring issues that led to these divorces. And with the exception of three or four “big” things, most of the issues were smaller, more normal things that were left unattended for too long.
So, I compiled my notes into a list I called, “Ways to Lose Your Marriage” or just “The List” for short. And in the weeks to come, I’m going to be sharing this list with you. Each week, in no particular order, we will cover one way to lose your marriage.
So, here’s the first one.
One way to lose your marriage is to …
STOP SPENDING TIME TOGETHER.
When we are dating, we try to spend as much time as possible together. Even if we have nothing to do or nothing to say, we still want to spend all the time we can together because we were in love.
But after we get married, and after the honeymoon time begins to wane, we gradually spend less and less time together. We get busy building a home, building a career, and building a family, and we forget to keep building our marriage. Then, one day, we wonder why we’re not as close as we use to be. The spark seems to have evaporated. The relationship is more routine…more business-like. It’s not like it used to be.
So as time goes on, you begin to drift apart. Oh, you’re still raising kids, paying the mortgage, cleaning the house, and mowing the yard. But you’re just not as connected anymore. And it all started because you gradually stopped spending time together. You didn’t intend to. It wasn’t personal. Life just kept taking more and more of your time, and your spouse started getting less and less of it.
When you stop spending time together, you set your marriage on a gradual course of dissatisfaction and (if not corrected) divorce.
When I talk about spending time together, I’m not necessarily talking about hours of uninterrupted time, staring into each other’s eyes, and talking about the secrets of your hearts. It’s more simple and less threatening than that. Think of it as intentional time together and unintentional time together.
Intentional Time Together.
Intentional time together is planned and/or scheduled time together. It could be a simple as a dinner or movie date, or as elaborate as a weekend getaway or a second honeymoon. And the act of scheduling and planning the time is almost as important as the time itself because it communicates to your spouse that you care enough about them to put some effort into it.
Unintentional Time Together.
Unintentional time is more casual, spur-of-the-moment time with your spouse. Things like: sitting together, running errands together, taking a walk together, etc. Believe it or not, these times are just as important as the intentional times together, because they can happen more frequently and can become a part of the daily routine of your life.
YEAH, BUT…
Some of you may be thinking, “Yeah, but spending time together when we were dating was easier because we were in love and didn’t have as many things getting in the way. But I want to challenge that thinking. Maybe it wasn’t being in love that caused you to spend so much time together when you were dating. Maybe you were in love because you spent so much time together. And you still had demands and constraints on your time when you were dating. You had school, parents, work, friends, and the fact that the two of you weren’t living together. Yet you still found a way to work around those constraints. If you could do it then, you can do it now.
I know this may be difficult at first, especially if you’re at a place where you don’t want to spend time with your spouse. You may be hurt, angry, or wounded, and spending time with them is the last thing you want to do. But let me encourage you. Don’t put it off or avoid it for long. Because not spending time with your spouse is one of the ways to lose your marriage. It’s on the list.
When my children were little, they had more toys than they could play with on a regular basis. Consequently, as they played with their favorite toy of the week, other toys would sit forgotten at the bottom of the toy box. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, they would start digging through the toy box and come across the toys they had forgotten. Suddenly, these old toys were like brand new toys to them.
The same sort of thing happened to me when I read through 2 Kings chapter 3. Some of the new/old things I found there were…
Our tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again. (v. 3)
The importance of loyalties, even in the face of differing opinions. (v. 7)
How quick we are to blame or discount God. (v. 10)
The importance of having God’s presence and instruction in everything we do. (v. 11)
How a godly presence benefits, and sometimes saves, the ungodly. (v. 14)
That nothing is impossible for God. (v. 20)
That God can use simple things (like refection on water) to carry out His purpose. (v. 22-24)
God’s word and His promises will come to pass…without fail. (v. 19, 25)
These are elementary principles we all know. But too often, they become like forgotten toys at the bottom of the toy box that need to be rediscovered.
May we not be so interested in making new discoveries about God and His will that we fail to rediscover what we already know to be true and powerful. May the old principles of our faith become the rediscovered practices of our life.
When I served as a minister to single adults, I’m afraid I made a serious mistake. No, I didn’t have an illicit relationship with someone or misappropriate funds. And I didn’t teach some sort of religious heresy.
What I did was teach single adults how to build good relationships by understanding their past hurts and dysfunctions, setting appropriate boundaries, and not compromising on principles that were important.
Some of you are thinking, “What’s wrong with that? Those sound like good things to teach people!” But the problem wasn’t in what I was teaching. It was in how I was teaching it. I’m afraid I taught these things more as absolute and non-negotiable necessities in a relationship/marriage, rather than good targets to aim for.
When everything a book or a teacher tells you is an absolute necessity for a good relationship, you disregard normal in pursuit of perfection, and your expectations leave no room for adjustment to the other person…which is an absolute necessity for a good relationship. (See what I did there?)
LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
Every marriage is less than perfect and every married person has a spouse who disappoints or hurts them at times. Hopefully, it’s the exception rather than the rule, but it will happen. (Note: if you have a spouse who hurts you and disappoints you on a regular ongoing basis, this is something you need to seek help for.)
But, even though we know there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, we live in a world where everyone thinks they should get what they want. And if that’s hindered in some way, it’s seen as personal and even abusive.
So we scour the self-help sections. We scrub through Youtube videos. We seek out friends and family members. We may even see a counselor. And all this is an attempt to figure out how we can get our spouse to stop violating our expectations.
BOILING IT ALL DOWN
But, after 26 years of ministry, 30 years of counseling people, and 41 years of being married, I would teach things a little differently now.
Don’t get me wrong. I still believe things like learning to set boundaries, understanding yourself, and repairing past hurts are important. But now, if I had to boil down what I think it means to have a good marriage into a few simple steps, here’s what I would teach…
Step One: Make Sure the Positives Out-Weigh the Negatives.
Every marriage has a combination of both positives and negatives. And with a few exceptions, the positives typically outweigh the negatives. (If they didn’t, you probably wouldn’t be in the relationship.)
So keep the positives and negatives in proper proportion.
Step Two: Focus More on the Positives Than on the Negatives.
When we’re dating or newlyweds, we tend to focus on the positives and minimize the negatives. Thus, we feel deeply and passionately in love. But after we’ve been married a while, we tend to do the opposite. We focus more on the negatives and minimize the positives. Consequently, we feel less passionate and more disappointed.
Focusing on the positives in your marriage, won’t make the negatives go away, but it will shrink them and make them more tolerable.
Step Three: Tweak a Few of the Negatives to Make Them a Little Better.
There will be some negatives in which you and your spouse can make some changes.
Sometimes, one spouse will be willing to sacrifice for the other. Other times, spouses can barter or trade one negative for another. And sometimes, growing older makes us more settled and less insecure…which tends to shrink the importance of some things we used to view as negative.
So if you can tweak some of the negatives in your marriage, by all means, go for it.
Step Four: Learn to Live With the Negatives That Won’t Change.
There will be some things about you and your spouse that won’t change, no matter how hard you try. My wife is a glass-half-empty kind of girl, while I am a guy that tends to make a place for something, rather than putting it in its place. No matter how much these things (and others) aggravate us, they are probably not going to go away.
There are some things about your spouse you’re going to have to learn to live with…just as there are some things about you your spouse is going to have to learn to live with.
But understand this:
Just because there are things about you your spouse needs to learn to live with, that doesn’t mean you can use this as an excuse to not make changes you need to make.
Just because there are things about your spouse you need to learn to live with, that doesn’t mean you should tolerate abuse, adultery, abandonment, or addictions. These things should never be tolerated and must be dealt with if the marriage is to survive…let alone thrive.
Then finally…
Step Five: Repeat Steps One and Two.
This process is not a one-and-done thing; just like marriage is not a one-and-done thing. You must continue to repeat this process throughout the marriage. But don’t let this discourage you. The more you do this, and the older you get, and the longer you’ve been together…the easier it gets.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
Marriage never lives up to our expectations; especially in the early stages. It takes a while before we can let go of our expectations of a great marriage and learn to make the most of a good marriage. For some, this will sound like settling for less. But those of us who have some miles behind us, it’s not settling for less. It’s actually growing into more.
When it comes to marriage, don’t let the less-than-perfect be the enemy of the perfectly fine.
Little things are important. If you don’t do the little things for your car…like changing the oil, rotating the tires, checking the fluid levels…it will lead to big problems. If spouses ignore little things like communication, time together, and encouraging each other, it will lead to big problems in the marriage. We tend to forget, it’s the little things that make the big things possible.
In 2 Kings chapter 2, it’s easy to focus on the big, miraculous things recorded there:
Parting the Jordan river.
A chariot of fire.
Elijah taken up in a whirlwind.
Purifying the water.
Bears attacking kids.
These are the big things that catch our attention in this chapter.
But there is a little thing that sets the stage for all of these bigger things. What is it? It’s Elisha’s commitment to stay close to Elijah.
Three times, Elisha tells Elijah that he will not leave him. Elisha stays as close as he can to the man of God, refusing to let him out of his sight.
There’s a line from an Aerosmith song that says, “I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep, cause I’ll miss you. And I don’t want to miss a thing.” Elisha didn’t want to miss anything Elijah was going to do. It was this little thing that allowed him to do bigger things.
Could that be the reason we don’t do mighty things for God? Is it because we don’t stay close and keep our eyes on Him? It seems like a small thing to do, but this little thing can make all the difference in the world.
If you want to see big God-sized things in your life, do the small things…like staying close and connected to God.
I’m not much of a gambler. Never have been. It’s not that I have some moral stance against gambling. I’ve just never felt the need to unnecessarily risk money I already have on the slight possibility I might win more.
But, one day I found myself watching a professional poker tournament on TV. It seemed like a very boring thing to watch, so I didn’t watch it long. But I watch it long enough to think, “Being married is like playing poker!”
MARRIAGE AND POKER
Here are some ways being married is like playing poker:
The stakes are high.
In professional poker, you can lose a lot of money in an instant.
Likewise, the stakes in marriage are unbelievably high. Here’s just a taste of what you stand to lose:
Your dream of happily ever after.
Your best friend of years.
Time and loyalty with your children.
Financial stability.
Friendships you made while married.
Your reputation with your spouse, your kids, and others.
Your hopes and optimism.
That’s not to say those who go through a divorce are personally losers, or that they can never recover. Like surviving a hurricane, you will rebuild, but it’s never the same.
You have to know when to hold em’ and when to fold em’.
To be clear…I’m not talking about knowing when to keep your marriage and when to end it. I’m talking about knowing when to hold on to a hurt and deal with it, and when to forgive it and let it go. Too many marriages end over an accumulation of things that were never dealt with or never forgiven.
Not knowing when to work through hurts or when to forgiving them is a sure way to lose in marriage. Learn when to hold them and when to fold them. Learn to deal with the things you need to and forgive the rest.
You probably won’t get the exact hand you want.
In poker, you don’t always get the hand you think you need. But poker players win, despite not getting the hand they want. How? By making the most of the cards they have and playing the hand they get well.
You won’t get everything you want in a marriage, but you can learn to make the best of what you have by:
Making the most of the “good cards” in your hand and playing up the positives.
Learning to negotiate the lesser cards between you and your spouse.
But let me be clear about one thing. If you’re dealing with abuse, adultery, or abandonment in your marriage, those are cards that are never right and should never be accepted. It doesn’t mean you must fold and end your marriage at that point, but it does mean that this behavior must stop and be dealt with before the marriage can move forward. If the abusive, abandoning, or adulterous behavior does not change, then you may have to fold the hand and concede the marriage.
Sometimes you have to bluff your way through.
A good poker player knows how to act like they’ve got a winning hand…even when they don’t. Acting like they’ve got a winning hand may actually bring about a win.
Some people call this “fake it till you make it.” I dislike this phrase because it sounds deceptive. I prefer the phrase “Acting like you want things to be.” For instance…
If you want a spouse you can have fun with, start having fun with them…even if they don’t look like they’re having fun.
If you want a spouse who helps you around the house, start asking for their help…even if you know they don’t want to.
If you want a spouse who’s appreciative…start showing appreciation to your spouse.
In other words, act like you’ve got the hand you want. Things won’t change overnight, but if you’re patient and consistent, things will begin to change.
You don’t always know what cards the other person is holding.
In poker, you don’t know what cards the other person is holding.
In marriage, your spouse may be holding thoughts or feelings they’re not sharing with you. You can guess, but you’re not a mind reader and will often guess wrongly. You might get to know your spouse so well you can come pretty close to reading their mind, but making that assumption can still get you in trouble.
So what can you do?
Fortunately, marriage differs from poker in that the more you share what you’re holding, the better things can become. So, show your cards. Share what you’re thinking and feeling. Ask your spouse what they’re thinking and feeling. If your spouse is not good at showing their cards, be patient. Try different approaches. Figure out ways to make it easier for them. Just don’t give up.
When you think you have It figured out, someone shuffles the deck.
There are multiple hands to a poker game. And even if you’ve got a good hand going, it eventually comes to an end and they shuffle the deck.
The same is true of marriage. About the time you’ve figured out what’s going on, something shuffles the deck.
You have children.
You have another child.
Your first child becomes a teenager.
There’s a job change, or a move, or an illness, or a financial reversal.
There are new stressors.
There are changes related to age.
It’s frustrating when something shuffles the deck of marriage, but that’s the nature of marriage. It keeps changing, so we have to keep learning and growing. Learn to be flexible and accept each new shuffle with grace and inventiveness. Some shuffles may throw you for a bit, but make the most of it. And if you don’t like the shuffle, hang on. There will be another shuffle along shortly.
A FINAL WORD…
This post is not meant to trivialize marriage by comparing it to a game. It’s meant to encourage you to approach the surprises and uncertainties of marriage with some skill, some strategy, and most of all…some flexibility.
Now, go find your spouse, give them a kiss, and say “DEAL ME IN!”
When you were growing up and needed to get your parents to sign off on something, didn’t you know which parent was more likely to say “yes” to what you wanted? Isn’t that the parent you went to?
As adults, we still tend to seek advice from friends and family whose opinions are in line with ours.
King Ahaziah
In 2 Kings chapter 1, King Ahaziah of Israel is seriously injured and seeking the advice of a pagan prophet.
Elijah
But Elijah, the prophet of God, intercepts the king’s messenger. Elijah tells the messenger to return to king Ahaziah and tell him that, because he turned to a false god for information, he would die in the bed to which he was currently confined.
Furious at not receiving the answer he wanted, the king sends soldiers to arrest Elijah. But the soldiers are destroyed as a sign that Elijah was delivering truth from God. The king sends more soldiers, and the same thing happens to them. Then, the king sends even more soldiers. But this time the soldiers ask Elijah to be merciful and spare them. Elijah not only spares them, but he also returns with them to confront the king.
Elijah comes before the king and delivers the exact message he delivered in the beginning. No embellishment. No dramatics. He simply repeats the original message.
What happened next?! 2 Kings 1:17 makes this simple, matter-of-fact statement: “So Ahaziah died, just as the Lord had promised through Elijah.” It happened exactly as God said it would.
Us
What is it that leads us to turn to anything and everything but God? Why do we turn to that which will feed our ego, rather than to that which will feed our soul? Why do we fish for the answers we want, rather than the truth we need?
God knows the beginning from the end. (Revelation 1:8) He has the answers we need, and we should pursue His answers, even if they’re not really what we want to hear.
