There are stories that make you say, “Why would someone do that?”
On October 2, 2006, a man walked into a one-room Amish school house in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania and killed five little girls before killing himself. He had a wife, kids, and a good job. He was unprovoked and he even knew some of the girls’ families. It makes you say, “Why would someone do that?”
This is my response when I read how Jehoram turned from God, in 2 Chronicles chapter 21. Jehoram’s grandfather was a beloved king who followed after God and led his people to do the same. Because of this, God blessed and protected the nation, causing them to be feared and honored among the other nations. Then, Jehoram’s father took over and (with two exceptions) also followed God and enjoyed God’s blessing and protection.
But when Jehoram takes over, he completely turns away for God. Why would someone do that?!
Perhaps it was because his father aligned himself with the wicked king Ahaziah. But that alliance cost Jehoram’s father greatly. So before he died and left Jehoram as king, Jehoram’s father would surely have cautioned Jehoram about turning away form God. Maybe Jehoram’s was rebellious and self-serving by nature. We just don’t know.
But we do know what happens when a person willfully turns away from God. They eventually suffer and lose control. They don’t achieve their desires; they achieve their nightmares. 2 Chronicles 21:20 tells us that when Jehoram died, no one was sad or sorry. I cannot think of a sadder epitaph.
We may not know why a person chooses a different path than the one God desires, but we know what the outcome will eventually be. So chose your path wisely.
I had a daughter who taught me the importance of asking the right questions. When she was a teen, If I asked how she did on an exam, she would say, “Good.” But if I asked her what grade she made on the exam…that was another story! It was important for me to ask the right questions.
It’s true in parenting, but it’s especially true in marriage. If you ask the wrong questions you’ll wind up looking in the wrong places and getting the wrong answers.
What are the Wrong Questions
So often, in marriage counseling, I find that couples are stuck because spouses are asking the wrong questions. Here are some examples of the wrong questions spouses ask:
Why can’t you see what I need you to do?
What keeps you from doing what I need you to do?
Why are you acting that way?
What’s it going to take to get you to see?
When are you going to let it go?
Why can’t you put things where they belong?
Why are you doing it that way?
What’s wrong with you?
Why Are These Questions Wrong?
These questions are not wrong in and of themselves. They can be excellent questions when you and your spouse both feel loved and appreciated. But typically we ask questions like these when we’re upset with our spouse.
If you’ll notice, the questions have one thing in common…the word “you.” These questions are all aimed like arrows at the heart and character of your spouse. And they’re usually delivered with a bit of a bite, frustration, or anger. These questions back your spouse into a corner, leaving them with only two options: fight back or knuckle under. And neither of these responses is good for your marriage.
What Are Some Better Questions?
If you’ve been asking the wrong questions, I want to encourage you to start asking better questions. Rather than focusing your questions on your spouse, focus them on yourself by asking yourself things like:
Why can’t I see what my spouse needs me to do?
What keeps me from doing what I need to do for my spouse?
Why am I acting this way?
What’s it going to take for me to see what I need to see?
When am I going to let some things go?
Why do I need things to be where I think they belong?
Why am I doing things a certain way?
What are the things that are wrong with me?
Why are These Questions Better?
Before we go any further, let me say, I don’t believe you’re the main problem in your marriage. Nor do I think your spouse is the main problem in your marriage. When there’s a problem in marriage, both spouses usually contribute to the problem. It may not be a 50/50 split. Sometimes it may be 60/40 or 80/20. But however it shakes out, you still have some contribution. And your contribution is the only thing you have any direct control over.
I can hear someone thinking, “That’s not fair! They get to keep doing what they’re doing while I’m the one who has to make all the changes?”
Not necessarily. First of all, “fair” is not always a realistic approach to things. I use to tell my children things like, “the world’s not fair,” and “fair is that place with Ferris wheels and cotton candy.” Sometimes in life, to get where you want to be, you have to focus on doing what you need to do, even when things don’t seem fair.
Secondly, when you change yourself, it can indirectly and positively affect your spouse. Maybe in doing what you should do, even when it’s not fair, your spouse will feel more loved, more appreciated, more seen, or more heard. And as a result, it will be easier for them to feel safe, let down their guard, and love your back.
A Final Word…
When you stop asking the wrong questions and start asking the right questions, it can be life-changing for your marriage. Can I guarantee that doing this will turn your marriage around? No. Marriage is a dance between two people, and sometimes your dance partner is too set in their hurtful ways to change. But, if asking the wrong questions is not getting you anywhere, It won’t hurt to try asking better questions.
This is a principle we tell our teenagers when we dislike the company they’re keeping, but it’s true for any age. Wise and godly people will be affected by keeping ongoing company with those who are immoral and choose not to follow God. In relationships, the ungodly tend to lower the standards of the godly, rather than the godly raising the standards of the ungodly.
This was true of king Jehoshaphat. In 2 Chronicles chapters 17-20, Jehoshaphat was a pursuer of God, committed to…
And because of this, God did amazing things through him and for him.
But every time Jehoshaphat got involved with the kings of Israel, who were not following God, he wound up making decisions that didn’t trust or honor God. (19:2)(20:35-37)
Does this mean we should isolate ourselves from everyone who is not passionately following God? No! We are to be salt and light to those who need Christ. (Matt. 5:13-16) But any relationship that pulls us away from Christ more than draws us to Him is damaging and we should be cautious about how much time we spend in that relationship.
Think about your close, ongoing relationships. Are they relationships that draw you closer to Christ? Or are they relationships that pull you away from Christ?
Every once in a while you come across a story of a former celebrity whose life is in shambles. Maybe they’re in trouble with the law, or they’ve filed for bankruptcy, or they’ve taken their own life. And you ask yourself, “What happened?”
That’s the type of story you find in 2 Chronicles chapters 14-16. It begins with King Asa living a blessed life. He is a faithful leader who’s committed to God and to his people. The nation is both peaceful and fortified. It was a golden age.
But, by the end of 2 Chronicles chapter 16, the country is plagued with war, the priests and the people are oppressed, and the king is plagued with a foot disease that eventually kills him. What happened?!
What happened was that king Asa stopped doing the one thing that had brought him and his country such success. He stopped depending on God. Instead, Asa started trusting himself and a foreign king.
Over the 25 years between his first battle and his last, Asa forgot the victories that came through trusting God alone. The years of success caused Asa to become complacent and arrogant. Twenty-five years of peace left him unprepared for king Baasha’s attack.
This failure to depend on God leads Asa to become angry. And rather than repenting, Asa begins to oppress the priests and the people. He eventually contracts a foot disease that takes his life. Asa stopped depending on God and it literally became the death of him.
If it happened to Asa, it could happen to you. What keeps you from depending on God? Fear? Pride? Complacency? Whatever it is, it’s killing you in every way. Life and success are found in trusting in and depending on God.
I have a grandson who thinks he’s right about everything. Even the things he knows nothing about! No matter what you’re talking about, he typically takes the opposing opinion, and he’s convinced he’s right. Even if you show him he’s wrong, he won’t concede. He just walks away.
There are a lot of marriages out there where one or both spouses are always convinced they’re right. They take a stand and an opinion on various things, and they’ll ride the “I’m right” train to the very end of the line. And if you somehow prove they’re wrong, they will shift the point to something else, or just withdraw.
Why is it so Important for Some People to be Right?
Why is being right so important to some spouses? There can be a wide variety of reasons why a spouse becomes so doggedly determined to prove they’re right.
Maybe they were raised in a home where being right was highly valued.
Perhaps they saw their parents fight a lot about who was right or wrong.
Maybe they were not believed in the past by parents, friends, or coworkers.
Perhaps they’ve been wrongly accused in the past and suffered injustices.
Maybe they struggle with low self-esteem, and being right is a way of feeling better about themselves.
Perhaps they have a competitive personality that turns disagreements into competitions.
Whatever the case may be, there are spouses out there who just have to be right about everything. And maybe you’re one of them.
You Can be Right in the Wrong Way.
Now being right can seem like…well, it can seem right. But did you know that you can be right and still be wrong? In other words, you can be right in the wrong way.
You can be right in the wrong way when…
You’re condescending.
You cut your spouse off.
You don’t consider your spouse’s thoughts and ideas.
You’re competitive.
You don’t control your emotions.
You feel you need to dominate the situation or your spouse.
You see everything as right or wrong…even the little things.
You may be right in some situations, but if you are right in the wrong way, you will lose more than you gain.
How to be right the right way?
I know that saying there’s a right way to be right sounds like I’m one of those people who always needs to be right. So, let’s just say there is a better way to be right. And it’s a way that will help both you and your spouse to stay connected despite disagreements.
When you feel you’re right about something, here are seven things to keep in mind:
Be kind.
If you’re right, kindness goes a long way to softening someone up and making it easier for them to admit it. And if you’re wrong, kindness makes being wrong easier to swallow.
Be considerate.
Everyone wants to feel heard…even if we’re wrong. This is especially true in marriage. Considering your spouse’s point of view will do one of two things. First, it may show you that you’re not as right as you thought you were. And second, it may show you how your right can be made better. Create space for your spouse and their views; even if you don’t agree with them.
Be compassionate.
Just as you need to consider their point of view, you also need to consider their feelings. Care about what they think. Right or wrong, their views may be driven by hurts, fears, or insecurities. These call for compassion, not conquering.
Don’t be competitive.
I know it’s easy in disagreements to get sucked into a competition to see who will come out on top. But remember…you’re both on the same team. If one of you loses, you both lose. If you become competitive, you will lose…even if you win. Marriage is not about competition. It’s about collaboration.
Don’t be condescending.
When you become condescending to your spouse…in words, tone, or attitude…you leave a lasting scar on them that apologies don’t erase. When you got married, you vowed to love and protect your spouse. But when you become condescending, you become the one inflicting harm. Consequently, it becomes harder and harder for your spouse to trust you.
Control your emotions.
When you’re in a disagreement with your spouse, it can be easy to let your emotions elevate and eventually run away with you. At that point: you elevate your volume, you use words you shouldn’t use, and you take on attitudes that do more harm than good…all for the sake of winning the argument. You may win the argument, but you will lose your spouse. I’m not saying your emotions are invalid or wrong. But you cannot let your emotions drive you in these situations because they will drive you over a cliff.
Consider if this is a hill to die on.
Finally, when it comes to being right, you need to consider whether this particular situation is really a hill worth dying on. There are some hills worth dying on. Hills like: abuse, betrayal, abandonment, substance abuse, child endangerment, illegal activity, etc. But for most spouses, the fight to be right is over much smaller hills. Hills like: whether someone’s parents are intrusive, whether there’s enough money in the clothing budget, who should be in charge of scheduling date nights, and whether to have sex twice a week or twice a month. Not every hill is a hill to die on.
A FINAL WORD…
If spouses put as much time and energy into being loving and supportive as they do into being right, the issue of who’s right and who’s wrong wouldn’t be such an issue. It’s not so much about having the right opinion as it is about being the right spouse. And this is not always about being right. You don’t have to compromise the truth, but you don’t always have to be right…even when you’re right.
The power of change often rests in the power of one. One voice, one word, one song, one story, and one person. These can change the course of lives and history.
We’ve all heard these stories. People like Martin Luther King Jr. and Nelson Mandela brought about major changes in history with their one lone voice and influence.
But, is it only a few special people that can do that? For instance, in 2 Chronicles 13, king Abijah changed the course of Judah. But was it simply because he had the station of King, or was it more than that?
The power of one is not derived from a person’s station in life. Moses and David were common shepherds, Martin Luther King Jr. was a simple black pastor from the south, and Nelson Mandela was a prisoner. Yet, they all became prominent individuals who leveraged the power of one to change the world, because long before they had a station in life, they took a stance in life. For Abijah, that stance was:
Declare the person of God.
Depend on the power of God.
Abijah was committed to this stance, and God was faithful to elevate his station.
Remember this…it’s not your station in life but your stance in life that will determine whether you see seas part, giants fall, and movements start. The power of one comes when we declare and depend on the power of the One.
Often, people in my office tell me about how their spouse said or did something that hurt or offended them. But, when I ask if they said anything to their spouse about it, they typically say, “No.”
And as a result of not saying anything, their hurt and resentment gradually build. The rift between them and their spouse gets bigger. And their hurt begins to leak out into other areas of their marriage.
Why don’t we speak up when we’ve been hurt? What is it that leads us to keep things to ourselves when we’ve been offended?
REASONS WE DON’T SPEAK UP
There can be many reasons we don’t speak up when we’ve been hurt, offended, or angered by our spouse.
We lack self-confidence.
When you lack self-confidence or have low self-esteem, it’s hard to find the ego strength to stand up for yourself. You may doubt your thoughts, feelings, or intentions. Or maybe you don’t speak up for yourself, because you assume you’re wrong or your concerns don’t really matter.
We judge by prior history.
If you’ve tried to speak up for yourself in past relationships but were consistently ignored, told you were wrong, or put on the receiving end of that person’s anger, then you will be hesitant to speak up for yourself now. You just assume history will repeat itself.
We fear our response.
If you have a history of blowing up or saying things you shouldn’t, then you may be afraid of speaking up, because you don’t want to hurt your spouse.
We fear their response.
If you have a history of being on the receiving end of your spouse’s anger when you’ve tried to speak up, then you may find yourself thinking, “I can’t speak up, because it will just make them mad and I don’t want to deal with that.”
REASONS TO SPEAK UP
But despite the reasons we don’t speak up, there are some really good reasons to go ahead and speak up…especially if your spouse has hurt or offended you.
It promotes honesty.
When you speak up, you’re being honest. No marriage can survive, let alone thrive, without honesty. Even difficult honesty helps to breed trust and respect. Honesty is also an important part of setting boundaries in a relationship. It may feel like it’s making things worse at times, but you can’t get to a better place without honesty.
It keeps things from festering.
Speaking up keeps things from building up emotionally. The less you speak up, the more things stack up inside. And this colors your thoughts, emotions, and perceptions in the marriage. Not speaking up is like continuing to walk with a rock in your shoe. If you don’t learn to speak up, the limp will just get worse.
It creates an environment for solutions.
You can’t fix something in a marriage if you can’t talk about it. There has to be mutual honesty and understanding before you can find a solution that will work for both spouses. Not speaking up ensures that the problem will continue…and possibly get worse.
HOW TO SPEAK UP
So we’ve talked about some reasons why we don’t speak up, and we’ve talked about some reasons why we need to speak up. But how can you best speak up; especially if you know it could be difficult?
Here are some steps you can take to best speak up when you’ve been hurt or offended:
Speak when you can control your words. If you’re the type of person who has trouble controlling your words and emotions when you speak up, then don’t speak until you know you can control yourself. And if while you’re speaking you find yourself getting out of control, then table the conversation and come back to it when you’re more in control.
Speak kindly but truthfully. There’s a passage of Scripture (Ephesians 4:15) that tells us to speak the truth in love. You need to do both. Speak lovingly so they can hear you, but speak truthfully so you can address things.
Speak earlier rather than later. The longer you sit on something that’s bothering you, the more you stew on it and the worse it gets. Then when you do bring it up, your emotions are already high. Address things at the moment they occur and the emotional volatility will be low and manageable.
Speak when you can best be heard. Try not to speak up to your spouse when they’re already tired, frustrated, upset, or angry. Chances are neither of you will get anywhere. Instead, pick a time when they’re more calm and open. But, don’t put it off too long, or the issue will go cold in your spouse’s mind.
Speak to your contributions as well as theirs. If you’ve contributed to the issue you want to address, lead the conversation with your contributions to the problem. You may even want to ask your spouse to forgive you for those things. This will set a much better tone and help them be more open to what you have to say.
Speak consistently. What I mean by this is consistently take this approach; even when it seems to be getting you nowhere. Don’t try it for a while and then give up. That just teaches your spouse that if they wait long enough, you’ll eventually drop it and they won’t have to deal with it. Continue to speak up until the two of you can come to some sort of consensus and agreement.
A FINAL WORD…
Or more like a final disclaimer…
Doing these things doesn’t mean the conversations won’t be difficult or that things will go according to your desire. It takes a lot of practice to break old habits. But keep at it. Following these suggestions will give you the best long-term probability of improving things and being heard. So, learn to SPEAK UP!
There’s a fine line between being responsible and being self-reliant. You may think they both sound similar and admirable, but confusing the two can be a problem.
In 2 Chronicles chapters 11-12, King Rehoboam confuses being responsible with self-reliance. After the northern tribes desert him and establish their own kingdom, Rehoboam sets out to strengthen what’s left of his kingdom. He fortifies cities, stores weapons, stockpiles food, and stations troops. Seems like a responsible thing to do, right?
But, after Rehoboam feels safe behind his efforts and stockpiles, he doesn’t feel the need to rely on God anymore. He becomes lax and turns away from God, doing his own thing. (2 Chron. 12:1) Because of this, God allows the king of Egypt to over-run the cities Rehoboam had fortified and trusted for protection.
Rehoboam then retreats to Jerusalem where he confesses his sin and humbles himself before God. So, God protects Jerusalem from being overrun and destroyed. But, God allows Jerusalem to fall under Egyptian rule to teach them how much better it is to be under God’s rule than their own.
As we said, there’s a fine line between being responsible and being self-reliant. Being responsible refers to working hard while acknowledging that God is in charge of the outcomes. Being self-reliant refers to working hard while believing we are in charge of the outcomes. In other words, being responsible keeps God in the picture while being self-reliant cuts God out of the picture.
Are you responsible or self-reliant? Don’t forget the words of Psalm 127:1...“Unless the Lord builds a house, the work of the builders is useless. Unless the Lord protects the city, guarding it with sentries will do no good.” (NLT)
