Bret Legg

Are You the CEO of Your Marriage?

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How would you respond to the following question… “Are you the CEO in your marriage?” Maybe you would say, “Well, no! of course not!” Maybe you say your spouse acts like the CEO. Or, maybe you would say, “What do you mean by that?”

DO MARRIAGES HAVE CEO’S?

Every company has a CEO, or Chief Executive Officer. This person is the highest-ranking person in the company and the one ultimately responsible for making managerial decisions.

By this definition, you might say, “Marriages don’t have CEO’s. They’re not a business or a corporation.” And you would be right.

But many marriages still have a CEO. I call them the Chief Ego Officer, and they function much in the same way as the CEO of a company. They carry a lot of weight in the relationship, especially when it comes to direction and decision-making.

DECIDING WHO’S THE CEO.

How can you tell if you’re the CEO in the marriage? Ask yourself the following questions…and try to be honest with yourself:

  • Do you tend to make most of the decisions?
  • Do you get upset when your spouse makes a decision without checking with you first?
  • Do you often explain to your spouse why your way is better?
  • Do you have trouble listening to and considering your spouse’s opinions and approaches?
  • Do you get frustrated or angry when your spouse doesn’t take your advice or do things as you want?
  • Do you look down on your spouse for thinking or believing as they do?
  • Do you see your spouse’s differences of opinion as a threat to you or the marriage?

You may believe this list better fits your spouse than it does you, but the more you answer “yes” to these questions, the more likely you are to be the Chief Ego Officer of the relationship. You may have become the CEO in response to their behavior, but it still will affect your marriage.

WHAT ARE THE EFFECTS OF A CEO ON A MARRIAGE?

Though a company benefits from a strong CEO, a marriage suffers from a strong CEO. When a marriage has a strong Chief Ego Officer, two things typically happen:

The marriage becomes oppressive.

Whether it’s implied or stated out-right, the CEO of the marriage has a my-way-or-the-highway approach to the relationship. The other spouse’s thoughts, opinions, or approaches are ignored, dismissed, and not considered. The CEO increasingly stifles their spouse, not allowing them to be themselves.

This is a poison that will slowly kill the love, affection, and attraction in the relationship. And, the longer this continues, the harder it becomes to recover the relationship.

Then, the second effect a Chief Ego Officer has on marriage is…

The marriage becomes abusive.

Many CEO marriages stay stuck in the oppressive stage. But there are some marriages that progress to the abusive stage.

When the Chief Ego Officer experiences disagreement or push back from their spouse, they will begin to push back themselves. At first, the CEO will try to convince or cajole their spouse into seeing things their way. If that doesn’t work, the CEO’s approach will become more pointed and frustrated. If that doesn’t work, their anger will come out and they will become emotionally abusive, and possibly physically abusive.

WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE IN A CEO RELATIONSHIP.

If you find yourself in a CEO marriage, what should you do? Well…

If You’re the CEO…

  • Humble yourself. Apologize to your spouse for being so dominant and inconsiderate. This is hard, especially for a CEO, but you need to start here. And your apology must be sincere, not just a way to get the heat off or to get your spouse to soften back up to you. If you’re not really repentant for your behavior, you’ve not changed and the relationship can’t change.
  • Invite and listen to your spouse’s opinions. This is not just something to check off the list so you can then get on to how you want to do things. Take your time and honestly listen to them. To paraphrase Stephen Covey, seek first to understand them before trying to get them to understand you. Hear their thoughts, their heart, and their desires.
  • Look for reasons to defer to your spouse. This is hard for a Chief Ego Officer because they usually believe their spouse should defer to them. But try hard to defer to your spouse whenever possible. You may feel your way is better, but don’t push your way through. Share it with your spouse and make sure you both agree your way is better before implementing it.
  • Make the above a way of life. If you just do these things to get back on your spouse’s good side, then you’ve not really changed. You’re just manipulating the situation to get back in their good graces. These changes need to be a way of life for you…even if the marriage fails.

If Your Spouse is the CEO…

If your spouse is the CEO, you have three options:

  • Continue on as it is. Some people decide they will just go on tolerating the CEO’s behavior. Perhaps they don’t want to rock the boat out of fear of the CEO’s response. Maybe they’re concerned for others in the family. Or maybe their own insecurities make them wonder if there’s something wrong with them. Continuing on as-is is a valid option, but know that such a marriage rarely improves over time.
  • Begin to push back against the CEO’s behavior. This could go from standing up for yourself and your opinions, to not being easily coerced, to insisting on counseling, to threatening to leave the relationship. Chances are, the CEO will not react favorably to such changes, and they will do whatever they can to get things back to “normal.” If they feel they’ve got no other option, the CEO will seem to concede, but it usually doesn’t last.
  • Leave the relationship. If all else fails, you may decide you can no longer tolerate the relationship and make plans to leave. Departure is a last resort option and can either be temporary, until the CEO truly changes, or permanent. The CEO may have a variety of responses to your decision to leave. They may act shocked and say they didn’t know anything was wrong. They may try to convince you that things are not that bad. They may get angry and blame you for all the problems. And if all else fails, they may concede and offer to make changes. But, oftentimes their changes are only an attempt to get you back in the fold.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

Can CEO marriages really change? Yes! But…the ego of the Chief Ego Officer will not change quickly or easily. It will take work and practice to learn to exchange ego for humility. But it can be done. So, if you’re the Chief Ego Officer in the marriage, honestly and humbly enlist the aid of close friends, accountability partners, pastors, or counselors. Do whatever it takes to resign as CEO of your marriage. And if your spouse is the CEO, do everything in your power to share the problem and encourage them to change. Either way, you (and they) will be the better for it.

2 Chronicles 6-7 – Lord Fix THEM!

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When a couple goes to marriage counseling, one spouse is often trying to blame the other for the problem. But, for a marriage to be better, each spouse must take responsibility for their own faults and contributions.

This is where it gets difficult.

We’re good at seeing others’ faults, and we tend to believe that things would be better if they just got their act together. But, if we keep that other-focused mindset, things rarely get better.

In 2 Chronicles chapter 6, Solomon is praying to God about the people of Israel. He asks God to forgive them and take them back when they stray from Him and then ask for forgiveness. It’s as if Solomon is saying, “You know how they are God. They’re prone to mess up.”

Well, God responds favorably to Solomon’s prayer and agrees to forgive the people if they will turn from their sin, humble themselves, and return to Him. (2 Chron. 7:14)

But then, God turns the focus onto Solomon. God starts by saying, “As for you, if you follow me…” (2 Chron. 7:17) Then, God says, “But if you abandon me…” (2 Chron. 7:19) Its as if God is telling Solomon, “Don’t just focus on their faults. Start with your own personal responsibility to follow Me and do what’s right.

Whether it’s a team, a marriage, or a society…improvement comes when each person takes responsibility for their own faults. This is what Jesus was getting at when He said, “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have log in your own. (Luke 6:41)

This week…”Where do I need to take responsibility rather than hand out blame?” If you’re not sure, ask God to show you. Then do your best to deal with whatever he shows you.

What to Do When Your Spouse Comes to You With a Problem

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So, Your spouse comes to you with a problem and you’re really trying to be helpful. But before you know it, the whole situation has gone south and now your spouse is upset with you. Ever had that happen, or is it just me?

If this has happened to you, you know it’s not always easy to know what to do when your spouse comes to you with a problem. It may sound like they want help, but the minute you try to help you are met with either an icy stare or guns blazing.

You Don’t Have to be an Expert.

You don’t have to avoid these situations. And you don’t have to be a trained counselor or have all the answers to help your spouse when they bring you a problem.

Your attentive presence can go a long way to helping your spouse. But how do you do that…without nodding off or getting bored? I’ve got nine suggestions for you to try when your spouse comes to you with a problem. Even one of these will be an improvement on your approach, and the more you can implement, the better off you’ll be.

Nine Simple Suggestions:

1. Listen Longer and Deeper Than Feels Natural.

Too often, we listen just long enough to get the gist of things, and then we wade in with our thoughts and opinions. But you need to listen long. Don’t jump in when they stop talking, because they’re probably not finished. I know this is not what you want to hear, but learn to sit in uncomfortable silence. This will allow them to open up even more. And don’t just listen to what they say. Listen to how they say it. What are the emotions behind their words? Where do they get angry or tear up? Where do they hesitate, or where does their voice trail off. What is their body language telling you? Listen with both your ears and your eyes.

2. Reflect Back What You Hear and See, Rather than what you Think.

Telling your spouse what you think about their problem should be your last response. First, reflect back to them what you’ve heard them say and the emotions you hear in their voice. It will let them know you’re truly listening. This will foster their trust and help them process things for themselves. Sometimes people just need to bounce things off of you so they can hear the echo and work through it themselves.

3. Suspend Judgement…For Now.

This is hard to do because we all tend to jump to conclusions and make quick judgments. But make a decision up front that you’re going to suspend judgment until you’ve heard everything completely through. Make sure you have the complete picture. And chances are, your spouse needs your support more than your judgment…even if your judgment’s right.

4. Empathize As If It Were You.

Mentally put yourself in their shoes. How would you feel if you were in their position? Would you be afraid, embarrassed, angry, worried, depressed? What would be your concerns? Putting yourself in their shoes goes a long way toward helping you connect and understand them.

5. Be a Friend, Not a Fixer.

Sometimes, we jump into fix-it mode because we care about our spouses and genuinely want to help them. But sometimes we quickly jump into fix-it mode because we’re uncomfortable with their hurt, pain, anger, fear, or grief. Often, when we try to fix things for our spouse, we stop listening, oversimplify their issue, and come across as arrogant and impatient. None of these are helpful. More than fixing things, your spouse needs you to listen while they work things out themselves.

6. Point Out Their Strengths, Rather Than Their Mistakes.

Your spouse is probably already painfully aware of where they’ve messed up. Chances are, they’ve already mentally rehearsed their mistake to a fault. What they need is for you to come alongside of them and remind them of their strengths and abilities. This will spur them on to how they can use those to deal with their current problem.

7. Put Off Giving Advice as Long as Possible.

Let’s say your spouse has gotten things off their chest and now they look at you and say, “So what do you think I should do?” Do not bite on that bait! Stall as long as you can before giving advice. Instead, say something like, “Man, that’s a hard spot. What have you thought about doing?” Remember, you’re not trying to fix things for them. You’re trying to help them come to a resolution on their own. Besides, if you tell them what to do, and it doesn’t work, then you’re really in trouble!

8. Wonder Out Loud, Rather Than Give Advice.

If your spouse is tired of talking about it and they’re really pushing you for your advice, Then couch your words in uncertain speculation. For example, you might say something like, “I don’t know, but I wonder if something like ______________ might be helpful.” This makes it easier for your spouse to connect with you because you’re not coming across as an expert who’s telling them what to do. You’re just wondering out loud.

9. Be Patient With Them as They Struggle and Grow.

People are complicated and messy. We’re not machines. We’re more like plants. Seeds must be planted in the soil of difficulty and given time to grow. Then those plants need to be nurtured and cared for as they grow out of their difficulty. So be patient with your spouse. Sooner or later, they will probably figure things out. But your job is not to force growth. It’s to provide the environment for growth.

A FINAL WORD…

Never underestimate the importance of compassionately listening to and walking with your spouse as they voice their struggles and problems. Your caring presence and listening ear have more power to help your spouse than anything you can say or do.

2 Chronicles 2-5 – How to Accomplish Great Things

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On July 21, 1969, Neil Armstrong put the first footprint on the surface of the moon. Think of how insurmountable this goal must have seemed at the time.

  • It had never been done.
  • We didn’t even know if it could be done.
  • There were mountains of decisions and calculations to be made and remade.
  • There were equipment and parts to be created that had never existed before.
  • There were unknowns never encountered.
  • And all of this was done using slide rules and computers which, by today’s standards, were as archaic as the Wright brothers’ first airplane.

In 2 Chronicles chapters 2-5, Solomon undertakes a massive building project that may seem simple to us, but to Solomon, it must have seemed as overwhelming as putting a man on the moon.

How was Solomon able to accomplish this great thing with no computers and no construction equipment? Some would attribute it to wealth, authority, and power. But he did it with three basic steps:

  • “Solomon decided…” – (2 Chron. 2:1) Every great accomplishment begins with a decision to commit yourself to the task at hand.
  • “So Solomon began…” – (2 Chron. 3:1) Decisions are nothing if they are not backed up by action.
  • “So Solomon finished…” – (2 Chron. 5:1) Once you act on your decision, you must continue to act on that decision until it’s a reality.

How many people decide to do something great, but then never get around to starting? Or how many people start something great, only to give up before completing it?

So what great thing do you want to do? Whatever it is, you will never do it unless you decide to, begin to, and continue to until it’s finished.

 

2 Chronicles 1 – A Single Wish

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If you had three wishes, what would you wish for? This question has fueled many a daydream for both children and adults.

Such a question is posed to King Solomon in 2 Chronicles chapter 1. But this time, Solomon is given only one wish. And it’s not a daydream. It’s a real offer from a real God.

After Solomon demonstrates tremendous loyalty and dedication to God in 2 Chronicles 1:6, God gives Solomon a blank check. Then, the space between verse 7 and verse 8 builds with uncertain anticipation as to what Solomon will choose.

Let’s be honest. When you and I are presented with the three wishes question, our inclination is to choose things that would benefit us. We might use one of the wishes to help others, but the other two are for us! This is tendency goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden.

But in 2 Chronicles chapter 1, Solomon spends his one and only wish on the good of others and the glory of God. He asks for wisdom to guide God’s people well. And because of this, God not only grants Solomon’s request for wisdom, He adds in all the personal benefits Solomon had not asked for…such as wealth and honor.

For some, this story sounds too much like a fairy tale, and so they dismiss it. But the power of the story is not in Solomon’s wish but in the condition of his heart. The wish reveals the heart, and the heart reveals the character. It’s what the Apostle Paul talks about in Philippians 2:3-5, where he says…

Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.

So…if you had a single wish, what would you wish for? And what would that wish say about your heart and character?

1 Chronicles 29 – Use Your Superpower Wisely

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As a kid, I loved reading comic books about superheroes and dreaming about having superpowers and special abilities.

I still read superhero comic books as an adult and have come to believe that people can have special abilities. Oh, they might not be able to fly or shoot laser rays from their eyes, but everyone has a special ability or two that can change situations and help others.

One special ability we all have is the ability to set the tone or atmosphere for what’s going on around us. Think of it…

  • A wife has the power to change the atmosphere and the attitude of her husband just in how she greets him when he comes home.
  • A father can change the attitude and outlook of a son who struck out in how he interacts and responds to the son after the game.
  • A friend can change the hopelessness of a grieving friend just by their presence and reassurance.

To change the very atmosphere of another through our presence, our words, and our actions…that is a superpower!

In 1 Chronicles chapter 29, we see David using his ability to set the tone for Solomon’s future kingdom. First, he sets an atmosphere through his actions. (1 Chron. 29:2-5) David’s actions of generosity impact the people so much they follow his example and give generously. Then, David sets an atmosphere through his words. (1 Chron. 29:10-19) David’s words toward God are so honest and passionate the people passionately worship and praise God.

We often believe the special ability to set the tone and atmosphere of others is given only to charismatic people. But we each possess this special ability. In fact, we can’t turn it off! This power is always at work…for the good or the no-so-good.

So use your superpower wisely. Because, as Spiderman was once told, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

1 Chronicles 28 – How to Accomplish More

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How do they do it? The movers. The shakers. The accomplishers. The Bill Gates. The Steve Jobs. The Walt Disneys. The Jeff Bazos. How do they do it?

In 1 Chronicles chapter 28, we’re privileged to listen in as one accomplisher hands down instructions to his successor. King David, the shepherd boy turned world-renowned leader, shares with his son Solomon what he needs to know to successfully carry on the work.

First, David covers the personal aspect of being an accomplisher.

He reminds Solomon to not forget personal history. David reminds Solomon of how God has been active in their personal history. (1 Chron. 28:2-7)

Then, David points to the need for personal growth. He urges Solomon to know the God of his ancestors, worship God personally, and serve God with a whole heart and a willing mind.

In the second half of the chapter, David moves from the personal aspect of being an accomplisher to the project aspect of being an accomplisher.

He points to project preparation. In 1 Chron. 28:11-19, David gives Solomon all the advance plans and preparations he (David) had made. David had spent time planning and preparing for every part of the project…long before the project actually got underway.

And finally, David points to project growth. He encourages Solomon not to get overwhelmed or discouraged by the size of the work, but rather to courageously move forward in the work, trusting God for guidance and completion.

Though we may never rule a nation, plan a battle, or build a major edifice, everything we need to accomplish can come to pass if we follow David’s example: (1) remember our personal history, (2) commit to personal growth, (3) prepare for the project ahead of us, and (4) consistently push toward project growth rather than getting overwhelmed or discouraged.

So, if you want to be more of an accomplisher, I encourage you to follow these four strategies of David.

1 Chronicles 23-27 – If Organization Is Not Your Thing

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Some people are organizers and some are not. A person who is not very organized is probably not suited to be an accountant, and a very organized person may not be suited for a position requiring a lot of creativity and inventiveness…like art, comedy, etc.

1 Chronicles chapters 23-27 may seem boring and tedious to read, but they show King David setting up a strong organizational structure by applying three concepts of organization.

The first key to organization is DIVISION. When you look at everything that needs to be done, it can seem overwhelming. But dividing it into parts will make it more manageable. As the old saying goes, “Inch by inch is a cinch. Yard by yard is hard.”

The second key to organization is DELEGATION. You can’t be responsible for all the parts yourself. If you tried, you couldn’t do a quality job on all of them. You must seek out the right people for the right jobs and delegate. In 1 Chronicles 23-27, tasks are delegated both by capability and by “sacred lots.” The first relies on the person’s ability to do the job and the second relies on God to bring the right person for the job. Both are important.

And finally, the third key to organization is DEDICATION. Both the delegated and the delegator must be dedicated to the part they play. The delegated must be dedicated to carrying out their job to the best of their ability. And the delegator must be dedicated to following, supporting, and encouraging the delegated. This helps the organization run smoothly and creates camaraderie and loyalty between the delegator and the delegated.

These three concepts require ongoing effort to maintain. If you’re a natural organizer, they are probably second nature to you. If you’re not a natural organizer, you must exercise a conscious effort to remember and implement them. But, if you aspire to leadership and want to accomplish more, you must grow in these areas.

So, how are you doing, and which one do you need to Improve?

1 Chronicles 22 – What Are You Leaving Behind?

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In volleyball, there’s something called the “setup” where one player sets the ball in a good position for their teammate to score. In the setup, one player foregoes scoring making it possible for another to successfully score.

In 1 Chronicles chapter 22, David is making preparation, not for his success, but for his son’s success. Though David desired to build a temple for God, God gave that responsibility to his son, Solomon. So, David determined he would prepare and provide what was necessary for his son to be successful in carrying out that responsibility. David not only provided the materials of gold, silver, cedar, and stone; but he also provided story (1 Chron. 22:7-10) and wisdom (1 Chron. 22:13) to Solomon.

We need to learn from this example. We live in an age where everyone seems to be looking out for themselves and their own causes. This is can be an unproductive and dangerous norm to follow for it shows little concern for the generations to follow.

Yes, we need to see to our own needs, but we also need to be working for those who come after us. We need to leave a positive legacy for the next generation. One that will help them rather than hurt them.

What are you leaving behind, spiritually, relationally, emotionally, and materially for those who will come after you? Are you contributing to the building of the next generation, or are you consumed with your own stuff? What’s one thing you can do to pour into the next generation?

1 Chronicles 18-21 – Regular Maintenance Required

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Everything in life must be kept up and maintained. We don’t think about maintenance when things are new and running well. But, a lack of maintenance will lead to a gradual and eventual breakdown. And this is true of our relationship with God.

Our relationship with God requires regular maintenance. God warned His people about this prior to their entering the Promised Land. (Deut. 4:1-14) (Deut. 6:10-13.)

But neglecting to maintain a relationship with God is just what happens in 1 Chronicles chapters 18-21. In chapter 18, David seems unstoppable. He’s winning one military victory after another, fighting shoulder to shoulder with his men while honoring God and giving Him credit for the victories.

But in chapter 20, there is a subtle shift in David and his approach.

  • Instead of going to battle with his men, David stays home.
  • After David’s commander leads the army to victory, David comes out and proudly puts the defeated king’s crown on his own head…taking credit for the victory.
  • David also takes a large amount of plunder, but this time there is nothing said about dedicating it to God.

David’s subtle downward slide culminates in him calling for a census of able body soldiers. This seems like a small thing, but God had not asked David to take a census. David’s victories were dependent on God, not David’s troop count. The census was merely David pridefully basking in his successes.

Though God eventually corrected David, David’s lack of maintenance in his relationship with God eventually caused him and those around him great pain.

With God, as with life, neglecting maintenance can go unseen for a while, but the eventual need for correction will come. And correction can be jarring and very costly. So, when it comes to your relationship with God, pay attention to the daily maintenance and you won’t have to scramble and panic trying to repair a broken relationship.