Bret Legg

The List – Be Parental With Your Spouse

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Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and watching marriages fail.

DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!

I was having dinner with one of my daughters and her children the other night when my daughter told her 7-year-old son to do something. My grandson responded by saying, “I’ll be glad when I’m an adult so I won’t have anyone telling me what to do or how to act!”

We all know that being an adult doesn’t spare you from being told what to do and how to act. It just removes your parents from that role and replaces them with bosses, landlords, the IRS, and yes…even spouses.

It’s a fact of life that spouses will occasionally tell one another what to do. When done kindly and respectfully, there’s usually no problem. But it becomes a threat to a marriage when one spouse is continually coming across as parental.

ARE YOU COMING ACROSS AS PARENTAL?

Most of us don’t know when we’re being parental. Even if our spouse had the courage to point it out, it’s hard for us to see it or accept it. The spouse who’s being parental just thinks they’re being helpful, loving, or efficient.

So, how can we know when we’ve crossed the line from just being helpful into being parental? Well, here are some things to look for:

  • You equate your way with the “right” way.
  • You hear yourself frequently using words like “you should,” “you shouldn’t,” and “you ought to.”.
  • You give “suggestions” that are frequently interpreted as commands.
  • You frequently correct your spouse.
  • You are frustrated and take it personally when your spouse doesn’t take your “suggestion.”
  • You feel their difference of opinion is disrespectful or rebellious.
  • You frequently give directions or instructions.
  • You complain about having to micro-manage things.
  • You talk to your spouse as if they were one of your children.
  • You feel it’s you’re job to ensure quality control.
  • You find your spouse bristling or withdrawing when you’re “just trying to be helpful.”
  • You often hear your spouse complain of your authoritative tone.

Being parental is not just about what you do, but it’s about how you do it and how often you do it.

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?

Being parental can happen for a number of reasons, but here are three of the biggies…

It’s what you witnessed growing up.

If you grew up in a home where one parent tended to “parent” the other, you could easily fall into the same pattern. After all, what we see growing up is usually the only model we have for how to do marriage. So being parental with your spouse just feels familiar and right.

You’ve been deeply hurt or traumatized.

Those who have been hurt or traumatized often try very hard to control things and people so as to not get hurt again. They may even do this so the people they love don’t get hurt. But their fears and insecurities don’t come across as loving. They come across as controlling and parental.

Your spouse is acting selfish or entitled.

It’s hard not to act parental when your spouse is acting selfish, demanding, or entitled. After all…if they’re going to act childish, then someone has to act like the parent, right? So it’s easy to fall into the parental role when this happens.

But be careful in assuming it’s your childish spouse’s fault. Perhaps you’re not acting parental because they’re acting childish. Perhaps they’re acting childish because you’re acting parental. (Let that sink in a minute.) And even if your spouse started it by acting childish, it won’t get better if you go parental on them. That will only make them act more like a child!

WHAT CAN YOU DO?

Whether you’re the spouse being parental or the spouse being parented, you can’t control how the other is acting. You can only control how you’re acting. So, no matter which role you’re playing, ask yourself the following questions…

Is there any truth to what they’re saying?

I know. Our immediate response to such a question is, “No. There’s no truth to what they’re saying.”  But take my word for it. There’s always a kernel of truth in every criticism, and it’s our job to look for that kernel of truth and do something about it.

  • If you’re the one being parented. Listen to what they’re saying; as hard as that may be. Maybe they’re telling you you’re not listening, or you conveniently forget what you’re told, or you’re not helping out enough, or you only want to do the things you want to do. Whatever it is, swallow your pride and ask yourself if there’s even a kernel of truth in that.
  • If you’re the one being parental. Ask yourself if there is any truth to that. Are there times when you feel you have to treat them like a child? Are there times when you feel tired of correcting them? Are there times when you feel like if you don’t stay on them, things won’t get done…or they won’t get done right?

Would I want to be treated this way?

If you have trouble being objective enough to answer the first question, then maybe this question will help you get at things from another direction. Look at all the things that your spouse complains about and ask if you would like it if the shoe were on the other foot.

  • If you’re the one being parented. Ask yourself if you would like it if your spouse…didn’t follow through on what they said they would do – didn’t do a very good job on something that was important to you – didn’t help you when you felt overwhelmed – did or said things that felt disrespectful.
  • If you’re the one being parental. Ask yourself if you would like it if your spouse was…frequently correcting you – frequently telling you why their way was better than yours – acting like you’re the only person in the world that thinks the way you do – treating you like you couldn’t get by without them.

What’s one thing I could do differently that would help?

Yes, there’s probably more than one thing you could do, but start with the one thing you could do that would make the most difference.

  • If you’re the one being parented. Think about the one thing that your spouse complains about the most with regards to your behavior and change that one thing. I realize that they may not think it’s enough of a change, but trust me. That little change will begin to make a difference.
  • If you’re the one being parental. Think about the one thing that your spouse complains about the most with regards to your behavior and change that one thing. I realize that they may not think it’s enough of a change, but trust me. That little change will begin to make a difference.

Did you notice that the recommendation was exactly the same for the spouse who is being parented and the spouse that’s being parental? That’s because we both have the same responsibility…to act more like an adult and less like a parent or child.

A FINAL WORD…

It’s easy for both the spouse being parented and the spouse being parental to be confused by the other’s reactions and push-back.

The spouse that’s being parented feels like their spouse doesn’t love them or they wouldn’t treat them like a child. But the spouse being parented has focused on their freedom to the detriment of their responsibility. And the spouse that’s being parental feels like the only reason they would act this way is that they truly love their spouse. But they’ve confused love with control.

The parent-child relationship is a healthy part of raising a family, but not building a marriage. After all, no one feels romantically inclined towards their parent. Instead, they often want to get away from their parent. That’s why, whether you’re the one being parented or the one being parental, this is a sure step toward losing your marriage. And that’s why it’s on the list!

2 Kings 11-12 – When You Need a Fresh Start

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Ever need a fresh start? At the beginning of 2 Kings Chapter 11, the nation of Judah was in need of a fresh start. King Ahaziah had died and the king’s mother, Athaliah had taken over the rule of Judah. She was so bent on running things herself, she had all of the king’s family killed so none of them could dethrone her. And she ruled for six or seven years, taking Judah down a very wicked path.

But, one of the king’s sons (Joash) had been snuck out of the palace by the king’s sister and hidden in the temple, where he could grow and learn under the watchful eye of Jehoida the priest.

When Joash was finally revealed to take his rightful place on the throne, his grandmother, Athaliah, has been reigning for so long the wickedness was deeply entrenched. They were in need of a fresh start.

Jehoida, Joash, and the people took some broad steps toward a fresh start, and these steps are applicable for anyone who needs a fresh start. To get a fresh start, you must…

  1. Have COURAGE. Jehoida had the courage to hide Joash for six years, even though it was risky. (2 Kings 11:4-16)
  2. Enter into a COVENANT with God. Make a commitment of loyalty and obedience to Him above all others…including yourself. (2 Kings. 11:17)
  3. Undergo CLEANSING. Jehoida led the people to destroy the pagan altars, the pagan priests, and anything that would detract from loyal devotion to God. (2 Kings 11:18)
  4. COMMISSION God as your ruling king. Personally and publicly, place God on the throne of your life. (2 Kings 11:19-21)
  5. CONSTRUCT your life in a way that honors God. Consistently repair the areas of your life you’ve left unattended and the areas you’ve left in disrepair. (2 Kings 12:4-15)

Is your life in need of a fresh start? Try taking these five steps and watch how God responds!

The List – Stop Showing Appreciation

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Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and marriage failures.

IT HAPPENS

If you’ve been married for any length of time, there probably have been times when you’ve thought things like:

  • They used to tell me “thank you” when I did something for them.
  • They used to leave me little notes.
  • They used to tell me how good the meal was.
  • They used to brag about things I had done.
  • They used to jump in and help without me asking.
  • They used to hold the door for me.
  • They used to tell me how good the yard looked after I finished.

And so you wonder, “Where did that go? Were they just faking that behavior in the beginning? Have I done something wrong? Have they stopped caring for me the way they used to? Why did they stop showing appreciation?”

WHAT IS APPRECIATION?

Appreciation is the grateful and thankful recognition of a person and their efforts.

It can be as simple as…

  • Thanking them for a great meal.
  • Bragging on what a great job they did.
  • Leaving a note to encourage them.
  • Acknowledging them in front of others.

And it can be as elaborate as…

  • Throwing a party to celebrate a milestone in their life.
  • Planning a weekend around their favorite activity.
  • Saving up for that special gift they desire.
  • Putting together a special book of things and memories about them.

Appreciation is putting action to your gratitude. It’s making your thankfulness visible and tangible.

WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?

Showing your appreciation to your spouse is important, because…

Appreciation is something they need.

How do you know if your spouse needs your appreciation? Check and see if they’re breathing. If they’re breathing, they need your appreciation! We all long to be appreciated. Appreciation is to our hearts what air is to our lungs. Without it, we’re lifeless. That’s how important showing appreciation is to people.

Appreciation makes a lasting impact.

Most of us remember a time, years ago when someone encouraged us with their kind words and actions. And most of us remember a time, years ago, when someone failed to encourage us with kind words and actions. The point is, we still carry the memories of these moments to this day! Whether or not you show appreciation will have a lasting impact on people.

Appreciation is simple and effective.

If you’re looking for the simplest and easiest way to build up your spouse, improve your marriage, and make points in the process…then show more appreciation. Showing appreciation costs you nothing, but it means everything to others. It takes very little of your time, but it lasts a lifetime for others. Appreciation is the IRA of relationships. Simple, regular investments will lead to big returns.

WHY DO WE STOP DOING IT?

If showing appreciation is so simple, easy, and effective, why do we tend to let it slide in marriage? Well, like many other things in life, our relationship with our spouse just gets too familiar, too comfortable, and we get lazy.

When we were dating, we intentionally worked hard at giving compliments, being encouraging, and showing appreciation, because we really wanted this person in our life. But after we’re married and we have the person we wanted, we then turn our attention to other things. We begin focusing on homes, kids, jobs, hobbies, etc. and we fail to pursue our spouse as we once did. We let our foot off the gas of the relationship and begin to coast. And we each begin to feel less and less appreciated.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO SHOW MORE APPRECIATION?

So, what can we do to get back in the appreciation game and show our spouse more appreciation? To do this, you will have to change two things…your actions and your attitude.

Your Actions.

You can start by going back to doing things you used to do when you were dating.

  • Compliment them on things they do, on their talents and abilities, on their character traits, etc.
  • Be intentional about saying “thank you” for the things they do.
  • Brag on them.
  • Leave notes of encouragement.

Use your imagination. Pay attention to the things they like. Be interested in the things they’re interested in. You know…act like you’re dating again.

Your Attitude.

There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “You never miss your water till your well runs dry.” This is so true in marriage. I can’t tell you how many people sit in my counseling office after losing their spouse to divorce or death and talk about what they miss about that person, and what they never really appreciated about that person.

We tend to take our spouses for granted and treat them as if they’re always going to be around. But, if you really want to appreciate your spouse, then live as if you might lose them at any minute. Think about the hole that would leave, the things you would miss, and all that you would long to have back. Let that attitude and those thoughts guide you in showing appreciation for your spouse.

A FINAL WORD…

I’m aware that there are spouses that might be reading this thinking, “My spouse is so hurtful that there’s not much there I can appreciate!” I know this is the case for some spouses. And I’m not saying that just showing appreciation for the few crumbs of good things you find will magically turn your marriage around…although it could help a little. But showing appreciation is not just something to do in marriage. It’s something needed in all relationships. So you can still practice appreciation and improve the other relationships in your life.

But for those who would say their marriage is not bad but it could be better, then I encourage you to work at showing more appreciation. It might just be the water that begins to revive a wilting marriage.

2 Kings 8-10 – How Could a Loving God Allow This?

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Every day, we hear of “random” acts of violence, people who have everything making “senseless” decisions that cost them everything, and people who “supposedly” represent a Holy God but do unholy things. You can’t help but wonder, “How could a loving God allow this?

Well, you get the same feeling reading 2 Kings chapters 8-10. So much blood-shed and murder. And it all seems to be directed by God Himself! On top of that, Jehu commands and carries out the killings, because God has communicated to him that this is the consequence of not obeying the Lord. Yet, Jehu doesn’t obey God completely either! (2 Kings 10:31) It’s like an oncologist who has just watched his patient die of lung cancer, yet goes outside for a cigarette!

So, to understand these chapters, let’s stick with the oncology theme for a minute. Think of these chapters in terms of cancer treatment. If cancer in a body is not stopped, the malignancy mutates and grows at an alarming rate. So a physician sets out to use chemotherapy and radiation to kill the cancerous cells and prevent them from completely taking over. But even though it’s only the cancer that’s targeted, many other cells (and the body itself) suffer from this treatment.

Though it doesn’t make us feel any better about it, this what is happening in 2 Kings 8-10.

We all suffer from the cancerous, addicting effects of a destructive sinful nature, yet we become indignant that God would allow bad things to happen to us. We look with smug satisfaction when others “get what they deserve,” but get upset with God if we should get what we deserve…even though God has been more gracious to us than we deserve.

Yes, 2 Kings 8-10 are ugly chapters. They point to our ugly condition and tendencies. But despite what God may allow, He is still seeking our best…even in our worst.

2 Kings 7 – Truth

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Do you ever get tired of trying to figure out who’s right and who’s wrong?

If you parent siblings, you frequently find yourself wondering, “Who’s telling the truth and who’s not?” If you listen to politicians, you often find one saying one thing, and another says something different. If you watch news networks, you find one network has one slant on things and another has a different slant.

It just gets so tiring trying to figure out what you should believe. Consequently, it’s easy to become skeptical and have trouble believing anything.

But one thing that comes through loud and clear in 2 Kings chapter 7, and it’s this…when God says something, you can bank on it. If it’s something that sounds beyond imagination, it will still come to pass…even if God has to do something beyond imagination to bring it to pass!

Proverbs 30:5 (NLT) says, “Every word of God proves true.” 1 Samuel 15:9 (NLT) says of God, “He who is the Glory of Israel will not lie, nor will He change His mind, for He is not human that He should change His mind!”

In God, and in His Word, we find a source of stable and unchanging truth. Truth we can count on. Truth we can bank on.

The question is…will we?

Will we trust and act on the unchanging truth of God, or will we continue to bounce from opinion to opinion. (1 Kings 18:21) Will we look for and listen to God’s word as truth, or will we look for and listen to what we like and ignoring what we don’t like. (2 Timothy 4:3)

Look for the truth of God and settle for nothing less. It’s the one thing you can always count on. (John 14:6)

The List – Let Your Personality Override Your Responsibility

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Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and marriage failures.

Has there ever been a time when your spouse was wanting you to change in some way and you thought, “This is just the way I am. You knew this when you married me.”?

The question is…does your inherent personality relieve you of a responsibility to change?

PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES

There is no doubt that spouses can have different personalities. Personality differences between spouses are common…

  • One spouse can be an introvert, while the other’s an extrovert.
  • One spouse can pay attention to details, while the other ignores the details.
  • One spouse can be a saver, while the other is a spender.
  • One spouse can be very cautious, while the other is full-steam-ahead.
  • One spouse can be quiet and reserved, while the other is boisterous and fun-loving.

It’s all a part of marriage.

PERSONALITY POSITIVES

Now, there’s nothing wrong with such personality differences. In fact, personality differences serve three purposes in a relationship:

  1. They draw us together. – Many couples feel they were attracted to one another because they were so much alike. But actually, it’s our differences, more than our similarities, that attract us to one another. When we’re dating, those differences feel refreshing and add spice to the relationship.
  2. They round us out. – Because our spouse is different than us, they help to provide what is lacking in our personality. Introverts need extroverts to get them out of their cave, while extroverts need introverts to help them learn how to be still and content with themselves. Spenders need savers. The cautious need the bold. Detail people need broad brush stroke people. You get the picture. Our personality differences help to round out the relationship.
  3. They grow us up. – Our spouse’s differences force us to approach things differently. An organized spouse can help a disorganized spouse learn to better organize their life. A spender can help a penny-pincher learn they can loosen their grip on money without being irresponsible. Our spouse’s personality serves as a tool to grow us in ways we might be deficient.

PERSONALITY PROBLEMS

But it’s this last reason that can aggravate us. Typically, we don’t want to change. It’s too much effort. Besides, we think we’re fine the way we are. So we say something like: “This is just the way I am. You knew this when you married me.” But, there are two problems with these statements…

Just because you were this way when you were dating doesn’t mean you were showing it.

When we’re dating, we tend to show our best selves. We try hard to be what we think the other will like and want. Consequently, we reign in the parts of ourselves we feel might be undesirable.

But after we’re married, we stop trying so hard. We relax, and more of our true self begins to leak out. Consequently, as our spouse starts to see this, they try to get us to go back to the way we use to be. When that doesn’t happen, our spouse feels like they’ve experienced a bait-and-switch in the relationship and they get frustrated with us.

Just because this is the way you are doesn’t mean you should stay that way.

The statement, “This is just the way I am” confuses a right to be who you are with a responsibility to change for your spouse.

If our children were being unkind or unhelpful we would not let them get away with it because “it’s just the way they are.” We would fully expect them to tweak and change who they are and grow into something better. The same should be true for us as spouses.

PERSONALITY ADJUSTMENTS

It’s true that we all have a personality that is God-given, genetically based, and family influenced. And at its core, that personality will be fairly fixed. But, that doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to that personality. Just because you have a certain personality bent doesn’t mean that personality can’t be bent in a different direction. Everyone can make changes in who they are and how they act. It’s failing to do so that increases the odds of losing your marriage.

So the question is…how can you keep your personality from overriding your responsibility to love your spouse…and still be you?

Elevate their needs.

If you want to keep your personality from overriding your responsibility to love your spouse, elevate their needs ahead of yours. Note: I didn’t say in place of your needs. Your needs are important also. Just treat theirs as a little more important.

Some are afraid that if they do this, their spouse will take advantage of them. That is a possibility. But more often than not, your spouse will feel so special by you putting them first, they will want to make sure your needs are met also.

Subjugate your rights.

We each have rights in marriage. But too often, we spend more time fighting for our rights than we do fighting for our spouse’s rights. It is only when we sacrificially subjugate our rights for the sake of our spouse’s rights that we understand and demonstrate true and deep love.

But…I’m not suggesting you need to be a doormat. Nor am I suggesting that you have no rights in the marriage and your spouse can treat you however they want to. A marriage that is abusive, dismissive, and demeaning should never be tolerated.

Redefine a win.

In times of conflicting wants and needs, spouses tend to act like they’re on opposing teams and they easily fall into a win/lose mindset, where either their spouse wins and they lose or they win and their spouse loses.

Don’t forget that you and your spouse are on the same team. If you can facilitate a win for your spouse, you win also. The team wins! Is this always possible? No. But it’s more possible than you think. So help your spouse win and you will win in the process.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

All of this is summarized in the words of the New Testament from Philippians chapter 2, verses 3-4…

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4 ESV)

Did you hear it? “Look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” It’s a “both/and” approach. This is extremely important because if you let your personality override your responsibility to love your spouse, you stand a chance of losing your marriage. It’s one of the things “on the list.”

2 Kings 6 – Your Insecurity or His Sovereignty?

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If you go to garage sales, you know the scene…

  • A variety of clothes hung on a clothesline between two trees.
  • A folding table with random and miscellaneous stuff.
  • Boxes filled with unrelated items.

In short…the organized disorganization of personal items for all to see.

At first, this was how I viewed 2 Kings chapter 6. It looked like several accounts stuck together as randomly as garage sale items…

  • An ax head comes off the ax handle, flies into the river, and is thought to be lost.
  • The user tells Elisha that the ax was borrowed, and Elisha causes the ax head to float up from the bottom of the river, so it can be retrieved.
  • The Syrian army attacks Elisha, but God reveals their movement to Elisha in advance.
  • God shows Elisha’s servant that the Syrian army is greatly outnumbered by God’s forces.
  • God causes the Syrians to not recognize Elisha, and Elisha leads them right into Israel’s hands.
  • Then Elisha says to feed the enemy army and let them go.
  • Due to a blockade by the Syrians, the economy in Israel becomes so bad, that people are literally cooking and eating their own children.
  • The king of Israel blames Elisha for all of this and sends people to seize him and put him to death.
  • Knowing they’ve come to get him, Elisha tells them that by morning there will be plenty of food.

These are great stories, but they seem randomly stuck together. Yet, if you look closely, you will find a common theme. God’s sovereignty! Sovereignty over the physical world, the political world, the international world, and the economic world.

It’s a reminder to us that there’s not an aspect of our lives that God is not completely sovereign over. That’s not to say that things will always work out the way we want, but we don’t have to worry about the end result, for God is sovereign over everything…all the time!

Is your life marked by insecurity over uncertainty or confidence over His sovereignty?

The List – Don’t Deal With Your Past Trauma

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Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The List refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records.

According to an article posted on unicef.org/ukraine in 2020, land mines were the leading cause of conflict-related child casualties in Ukraine in 2017. At that time, they accounted for about two-thirds of all recorded deaths and injuries to children. Think of that! two-thirds of children were killed or injured by something that was hidden and they couldn’t see.

I mention this because unprocessed trauma is much like a hidden land mine. If you don’t deal with past trauma in your life, it has a way of blowing up your life at a later time…usually when you least expect it. Your reactions to past trauma will not only hurt you but also those around you. And if that past trauma is left unaddressed, it can be one of the items on the list of things that can cause you to lose your marriage.

WHAT IS TRAUMA?

According to the American Psychological Association…

“Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer-term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships, and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.”

Some of the events that can produce trauma are…

  • Assault.
  • Physical abuse.
  • Emotional abuse.
  • Sexual abuse or assault.
  • A terrible accident.
  • A natural disaster.
  • Physical or emotional abandonment.
  • Even the sudden and/or adversarial divorce of their parents.

When this happens, the victim often unconsciously tries to put the trauma behind them as quickly as possible. They may…

  • Act like it didn’t happen.
  • Act like it was not a big deal.
  • Try hard to forget it or not think about it.
  • Stay busy with other things, so as to not think about the trauma.

Such tactics may appear effective; especially for children. But these tactics don’t make the trauma reactions go away. They only serve to push the reactions to the trauma underground. But, like a rock in your shoe, the trauma continues to cause mental, emotional, and relational problems that increasingly interfere with life and marriage.

HOW PAST TRAUMA CAN HURT A MARRIAGE.

Trauma attacks the very core of a person and thus tends to destabilize them and their relationships. Depending on the specific type of trauma experienced, trauma can…

  • Make it hard for a victim to trust others.
  • Leave a victim feeling unsafe…even when they are safe.
  • Bring up memories (mental and tactile) of the past trauma.
  • Leave the victim with residual and disruptive anger or fear.
  • Make it difficult for a victim to open up, trust, or be vulnerable.
  • Create a strong need in the victim to control situations, possibilities, and even people.
  • Leave a victim in an ongoing state of hyper-vigilance.
  • Create low self-esteem at best, and self-loathing at worst.
  • Leave a victim with ongoing issues of depression, anxiety, or obsessive-compulsive disorder.
  • Cause a victim to view sex in marriage as unwanted, unwelcome, and even threatening.
  • Make it difficult for a victim to recognize, identify, or even express their emotions.
  • Cause a victim to emotionally check out when things feel hard or threatening.
  • Make a victim over-protective of their children, themselves, and other loved ones.
  • Lead a victim to take things personally and/or offensively.
  • Make it hard for a victim to know what’s appropriate and what isn’t…especially when it comes to setting boundaries.

You can see how these things could work against a strong marriage and cause it to deteriorate. And even if they don’t cause you to lose your marriage completely, they will cause you to continue to struggle in marriage and lose the strong and healthy marriage you desire.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOU HAVE TRAUMA IN YOUR PAST?

Trauma’s effect on a person is complex and deeply rooted. It affects a person’s sense of self, their view of the world, their tolerance for closeness and intimacy, their sense of safety, and even their views of God.

As such, the victim can rarely heal the effects of trauma on their own. They will need the combined help of a trained counselor, a loving spouse or friend, and even a non-judgmental pastor. The residual effects of depression and/or anxiety may even warrant the need for appropriate medical help. It takes a concerted effort on multiple fronts to help a trauma victim heal and rise above the effects of their trauma.

But healing is possible and even probable with such work. As someone who has worked with survivors of sexual abuse for thirty years, I can attest to the fact that you can learn to not just survive your trauma. You can learn to thrive in spite of it.

A FINAL THOUGHT…

The effects of trauma can be detrimental and even devastating to a marriage, and it will require time and effort to overcome. But if you have past trauma in your life, you owe it to yourself to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to grow past and beyond the trauma. Because the effects of past trauma could cause you to lose your marriage. Remember…it’s on the list!

2 Kings 5 – Two Things That Always Make Sense

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THIS DOESN’T MAKE SENSE

While in seminary, I served as a hospice chaplain to patients who were diagnosed with 6 months or less to live.

There was a nice and personable patient who sticks in my memory. This man had a wonderful wife, kids, and grandkids. He had just retired and was getting ready to spend retirement traveling when he received his diagnosis. Instead of enjoying a hard-earned retirement traveling around the country, he would live out a few short months confined to a hospital bed in his house.

I remember leaving that home thinking, “There are bad people in this city who will live to a ripe old age. Yet this sweet patient will die early and never enjoy his retirement. This doesn’t make sense!”

I have the same feeling when I read 2 Kings chapter 5. The story doesn’t make sense:

  • A slave girl shows care and compassion toward her captor. (2 Kings 5:3)
  • A ruthless king shows compassion and care for a commander and sends him for healing.
  • God’s king and the servant of God’s prophet both are self-centered and lack compassion.
  • The man in need of healing is prideful and arrogant at first, yet he’s still healed.
  • The servant of God’s prophet ends up with leprosy.

In other words, the people you would have thought to be selfish were compassionate, and the people you would have thought to be compassionate were selfish.

THE TWO THINGS THAT ALWAYS MAKE SENSE

Naaman’s healing came about because of people in his life who were compassionate and cared for him, while Gehazi’s leprosy came about because of his greed and lack of compassion. (2 Kings 5:20)

Care and compassion are two things that always make sense because they are akin to God’s own heart. Selfishness and greed, on the other hand, are forces akin to the evil one.

So, despite the assumptions people might make about you, if they dug down to your core, would they find care and compassion for others or selfishness and greed for yourself? Would they find the heart of God or the heart of the enemy?

The List – Put Your Kids Ahead of Your Spouse

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Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage, and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records.

When I have a couple in my office whose marriage is not doing well, I always ask them when things started to go south. More often than not, the answer relates to when they became parents.

WHEN YOU HAVE KIDS, THINGS CHANGE

Resources.

You have a lot more resources prior to having kids. You have more…

  • Sleep.
  • Free Time.
  • Personal Time.
  • Social Time.
  • Flexibility.
  • Sex.
  • Spontaneity.
  • Privacy.
  • Money.

But after you have kids, these things become more scarce, and it puts more stress on spouses.

Roles.

But there’s another dynamic that happens after we have kids, and that has to do with our changing roles.

Before children, we were just husband and wife. We were playmates; focused on one another. But when kids come along, we’re no longer just husband and wife. We’re also mom and dad. And this changes the dynamic of the relationship.

Wives shift into the mom role, and everything about them is centered on the child. If they carried the child in pregnancy, the child has already effected everything about them…including their body. Moms become very focused on the care and nurturing of children.

Husbands are different. Husbands tend to be a little slower to make the shift to dad role. Maybe it’s because dads don’t carrying the child for nine months. Or maybe it’s because husbands are just wired differently. Whatever the reason, husbands are not as centered on the child at first. All they know is they see their wife changing into a mom and they feel like they’re losing their playmate.

The Result.

So husbands will try to get their playmate back. This can be a bit annoying for wives, who often see their husband’s attempts as either a sign of selfishness or immaturity. So a wife will communicate to her husband that he’s an adult who can take care of himself, but this child needs her.

Eventually, a husband will quit trying to get his playmate back and succumb to the fact that he now has a mom in her place. Then, he will shift into a dad roll by working hard at his job to provide well for his family.

And thus begins the marital drift. Though there can be some flips in gender and wage-earner roles, by and large wives focus on kids and husbands focus on work. When kids become older and more self-sufficient, a wife feels a little more freedom to turn back toward her husband and reconnect. The problem is, the husband is now accustomed to his role as a hard-working provider and doesn’t easily make the shift back. And so distance and dissatisfaction begin to set in like concrete.

GETTING THINGS BACK IN ORDER.

So, if putting your kids ahead of your spouse is one way to lose your marriage, then the remedy for this is to put your partnering back in front of your parenting. To be husband and wife first and dad and mom second.

So here are some things that will help you put your partnering in front of your parenting. You won’t be perfect at these things, but you don’t have to be. You just have to be better at them.

Make Time Together a Priority.

Caring for children carries big demands that often leave spouses with little time or energy at the end of a long day.

I’m not saying you should neglect you children. I’m just saying you should make sure you and your spouse get a cut of the time you have.

Spend daily time together. 

  • Maybe you can spend a few minutes together after you get home from work.
  • Maybe you can start putting your kids to bed 30 minutes earlier in order to get 30 minutes together before you go to bed.
  • Maybe you can find a few minutes together at the dinner table, after the kids have left the table.

Whatever works for you, find some time each day to connect. Then, you need to move on to…

Spend weekly time together.

Have a weekly date night. If you can’t go weekly, then go out every other week. It doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. It just needs to be intentional. You were in love when you used to date, so continuing to date will help to rekindle some of that.

Some things won’t get done if you do these things. But, maybe spending a few minutes together is more important. Think of it not as a loss, but as a trade.

Make Financing Your Relationship Together a Priority.

Even if you have to eat Ramen Noodles one night a week or skip a trip or two to Sartbucks, make sure you budget money for date nights, baby sitters, movies, or whatever you want to do together. Spending time together is worth the sacrifice somewhere else. And you will eventually get to the place where you can afford it without the sacrifice.

Make Sex Together a Priority.

Studies show that there is a correlation between marriage satisfaction and sexual satisfaction. When sexual satisfaction increase, so does marriage satisfaction. Even 1 Corinthians 7:5 says we are to not forsake the sexual relationship in marriage, but rather to regularly come together for sex.

I know spouses often disagree on how often they should be having sex, but sit down, reach an agreement, and then stick to it. On those nights you’re going to have sex, help one another out with kids and chores around the house, in order to make time and energy for sex. You may also need to let some things go on those evenings, for the sake of having time for sex.

But you’ll be surprised how regularly enjoying sex together will strengthen the bond between the two of you and keep your marriage a priority.

Make Laughing Together a Priority.

If you’re not having fun with someone, why would you want to spend time them?

So find things that will make each other laugh.  Watch funny movies together. Tell each other jokes. Flirt. Recall funny moments. Do whatever you need to do to laugh together. Because when you don’t laugh together, it makes it harder to live together.

Make Goals and Dreams Together a Priority.

It’s easy to talk about your goals and dreams for your kids. But…don’t take this the wrong way…your kids are sort of temporary. They’re going to grow up, move away, and start marriages and families of their own.

So make goals and dreams for just the two of you. It’s a good way of reminding you that ultimately, the two of you are the priority. Even if you don’t reach every goal or dream you set, you’ve still had the fun and bonding of doing it together.

These are just a few of the things you can do to keep from putting your kids ahead of your spouse and losing your marriage. And now…

A FINAL WORD…

To some, putting your spouse ahead of your kids may seem wrong…or at least more idealistic than realistic. They may think, “I could never do this. You just don’t know how it is at my house! You don’t know how hard it is! If we do all of this, there won’t be enough time to get everything done!” And those that think that would be right!

I know it’s demanding at your house, and I know it’s hard. I’ve had to raise kids and maintain a marriage and family while going to grad school and working two jobs. And you’re right…there won’t be enough time for everything. But if you’re so busy that you have to put your marriage on the back burner to get it all done, then you have too many “priorities.” Not everything can be a priority, and how can you expect to have a rich marriage “later” if you’re not making the proper investments now?

So, keep your partnering ahead of your parenting, because putting your kids ahead of your spouse is one of the ways to lose your marriage. It’s on the List!