If you had superpowers, what would you do? Most of us would say something like, “help others.” But wouldn’t it be tempting to use your power to do a little grand-standing? And how would you know if you were really using your power to help others or to draw attention to yourself?
Elisha
In 2 Kings chapter 4, Elisha is doing one miracle after another. And because of the way these events are narrated, it appears that Elisha is showing off. But if you look at the chapter carefully, you find that…
Elisha’s interest is always focused on caring for the needs of others.
The miracles are often done either behind closed doors (2 Kings 4:4, 33) or in the company of the prophets (2 Kings 4:38-44.) The miracles are not to impress the general public.
Elisha acknowledges that he is submissive to the real miracle worker…God. (2 Kings 4:27, 43.)
Us
All of us are like Elisha. We may not be able to do dramatic miracles, but God has given us many other things we could use to benefit others. Things like our:
Time.
Talent.
Resources.
Experience.
Fruit of the Spirit.
Etc.
Though more subtle than Elisha’s miracles, we can take what God has given us and produce one miracle after another in other’s lives.
Are you doing that, or are you taking what God has given you and using it for your own benefit? Are you doing what you do for others behind closed doors, so as to not draw attention to yourself? Do you readily acknowledge that what you have is a gift from God to be gifted to others?
We do have superpowers as believers. Jesus even said that we would do even greater things than He did. (John 14:12) The Spirit that empowered Elisha and raised Jesus from the dead dwells in us as believers.
Some time ago, I spent a few days thinning out over 20 years of counseling files. As I went through each individual file, it was like a trip down memory lane. With each file, I could see their faces and remember their issues.
While doing this, I was struck by how many married couples I had worked with. I celebrated those couples who had turned things around and went on to have great marriages. But I also grieved over those marriages that ended in divorce.
Burdened by those marriages that ended in divorce, I began keeping a list of issues that contributed to those divorces. I discovered that, despite the uniqueness of each couple, there were some common and reoccurring issues that led to these divorces. And with the exception of three or four “big” things, most of the issues were smaller, more normal things that were left unattended for too long.
So, I compiled my notes into a list I called, “Ways to Lose Your Marriage” or just “The List” for short. And in the weeks to come, I’m going to be sharing this list with you. Each week, in no particular order, we will cover one way to lose your marriage.
So, here’s the first one.
One way to lose your marriage is to …
STOP SPENDING TIME TOGETHER.
When we are dating, we try to spend as much time as possible together. Even if we have nothing to do or nothing to say, we still want to spend all the time we can together because we were in love.
But after we get married, and after the honeymoon time begins to wane, we gradually spend less and less time together. We get busy building a home, building a career, and building a family, and we forget to keep building our marriage. Then, one day, we wonder why we’re not as close as we use to be. The spark seems to have evaporated. The relationship is more routine…more business-like. It’s not like it used to be.
So as time goes on, you begin to drift apart. Oh, you’re still raising kids, paying the mortgage, cleaning the house, and mowing the yard. But you’re just not as connected anymore. And it all started because you gradually stopped spending time together. You didn’t intend to. It wasn’t personal. Life just kept taking more and more of your time, and your spouse started getting less and less of it.
When you stop spending time together, you set your marriage on a gradual course of dissatisfaction and (if not corrected) divorce.
When I talk about spending time together, I’m not necessarily talking about hours of uninterrupted time, staring into each other’s eyes, and talking about the secrets of your hearts. It’s more simple and less threatening than that. Think of it as intentional time together and unintentional time together.
Intentional Time Together.
Intentional time together is planned and/or scheduled time together. It could be a simple as a dinner or movie date, or as elaborate as a weekend getaway or a second honeymoon. And the act of scheduling and planning the time is almost as important as the time itself because it communicates to your spouse that you care enough about them to put some effort into it.
Unintentional Time Together.
Unintentional time is more casual, spur-of-the-moment time with your spouse. Things like: sitting together, running errands together, taking a walk together, etc. Believe it or not, these times are just as important as the intentional times together, because they can happen more frequently and can become a part of the daily routine of your life.
YEAH, BUT…
Some of you may be thinking, “Yeah, but spending time together when we were dating was easier because we were in love and didn’t have as many things getting in the way. But I want to challenge that thinking. Maybe it wasn’t being in love that caused you to spend so much time together when you were dating. Maybe you were in love because you spent so much time together. And you still had demands and constraints on your time when you were dating. You had school, parents, work, friends, and the fact that the two of you weren’t living together. Yet you still found a way to work around those constraints. If you could do it then, you can do it now.
I know this may be difficult at first, especially if you’re at a place where you don’t want to spend time with your spouse. You may be hurt, angry, or wounded, and spending time with them is the last thing you want to do. But let me encourage you. Don’t put it off or avoid it for long. Because not spending time with your spouse is one of the ways to lose your marriage. It’s on the list.
When my children were little, they had more toys than they could play with on a regular basis. Consequently, as they played with their favorite toy of the week, other toys would sit forgotten at the bottom of the toy box. Then one day, seemingly out of the blue, they would start digging through the toy box and come across the toys they had forgotten. Suddenly, these old toys were like brand new toys to them.
The same sort of thing happened to me when I read through 2 Kings chapter 3. Some of the new/old things I found there were…
Our tendency to make the same mistakes over and over again. (v. 3)
The importance of loyalties, even in the face of differing opinions. (v. 7)
How quick we are to blame or discount God. (v. 10)
The importance of having God’s presence and instruction in everything we do. (v. 11)
How a godly presence benefits, and sometimes saves, the ungodly. (v. 14)
That nothing is impossible for God. (v. 20)
That God can use simple things (like refection on water) to carry out His purpose. (v. 22-24)
God’s word and His promises will come to pass…without fail. (v. 19, 25)
These are elementary principles we all know. But too often, they become like forgotten toys at the bottom of the toy box that need to be rediscovered.
May we not be so interested in making new discoveries about God and His will that we fail to rediscover what we already know to be true and powerful. May the old principles of our faith become the rediscovered practices of our life.
When I served as a minister to single adults, I’m afraid I made a serious mistake. No, I didn’t have an illicit relationship with someone or misappropriate funds. And I didn’t teach some sort of religious heresy.
What I did was teach single adults how to build good relationships by understanding their past hurts and dysfunctions, setting appropriate boundaries, and not compromising on principles that were important.
Some of you are thinking, “What’s wrong with that? Those sound like good things to teach people!” But the problem wasn’t in what I was teaching. It was in how I was teaching it. I’m afraid I taught these things more as absolute and non-negotiable necessities in a relationship/marriage, rather than good targets to aim for.
When everything a book or a teacher tells you is an absolute necessity for a good relationship, you disregard normal in pursuit of perfection, and your expectations leave no room for adjustment to the other person…which is an absolute necessity for a good relationship. (See what I did there?)
LOOKING FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
Every marriage is less than perfect and every married person has a spouse who disappoints or hurts them at times. Hopefully, it’s the exception rather than the rule, but it will happen. (Note: if you have a spouse who hurts you and disappoints you on a regular ongoing basis, this is something you need to seek help for.)
But, even though we know there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, we live in a world where everyone thinks they should get what they want. And if that’s hindered in some way, it’s seen as personal and even abusive.
So we scour the self-help sections. We scrub through Youtube videos. We seek out friends and family members. We may even see a counselor. And all this is an attempt to figure out how we can get our spouse to stop violating our expectations.
BOILING IT ALL DOWN
But, after 26 years of ministry, 30 years of counseling people, and 41 years of being married, I would teach things a little differently now.
Don’t get me wrong. I still believe things like learning to set boundaries, understanding yourself, and repairing past hurts are important. But now, if I had to boil down what I think it means to have a good marriage into a few simple steps, here’s what I would teach…
Step One: Make Sure the Positives Out-Weigh the Negatives.
Every marriage has a combination of both positives and negatives. And with a few exceptions, the positives typically outweigh the negatives. (If they didn’t, you probably wouldn’t be in the relationship.)
So keep the positives and negatives in proper proportion.
Step Two: Focus More on the Positives Than on the Negatives.
When we’re dating or newlyweds, we tend to focus on the positives and minimize the negatives. Thus, we feel deeply and passionately in love. But after we’ve been married a while, we tend to do the opposite. We focus more on the negatives and minimize the positives. Consequently, we feel less passionate and more disappointed.
Focusing on the positives in your marriage, won’t make the negatives go away, but it will shrink them and make them more tolerable.
Step Three: Tweak a Few of the Negatives to Make Them a Little Better.
There will be some negatives in which you and your spouse can make some changes.
Sometimes, one spouse will be willing to sacrifice for the other. Other times, spouses can barter or trade one negative for another. And sometimes, growing older makes us more settled and less insecure…which tends to shrink the importance of some things we used to view as negative.
So if you can tweak some of the negatives in your marriage, by all means, go for it.
Step Four: Learn to Live With the Negatives That Won’t Change.
There will be some things about you and your spouse that won’t change, no matter how hard you try. My wife is a glass-half-empty kind of girl, while I am a guy that tends to make a place for something, rather than putting it in its place. No matter how much these things (and others) aggravate us, they are probably not going to go away.
There are some things about your spouse you’re going to have to learn to live with…just as there are some things about you your spouse is going to have to learn to live with.
But understand this:
Just because there are things about you your spouse needs to learn to live with, that doesn’t mean you can use this as an excuse to not make changes you need to make.
Just because there are things about your spouse you need to learn to live with, that doesn’t mean you should tolerate abuse, adultery, abandonment, or addictions. These things should never be tolerated and must be dealt with if the marriage is to survive…let alone thrive.
Then finally…
Step Five: Repeat Steps One and Two.
This process is not a one-and-done thing; just like marriage is not a one-and-done thing. You must continue to repeat this process throughout the marriage. But don’t let this discourage you. The more you do this, and the older you get, and the longer you’ve been together…the easier it gets.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
Marriage never lives up to our expectations; especially in the early stages. It takes a while before we can let go of our expectations of a great marriage and learn to make the most of a good marriage. For some, this will sound like settling for less. But those of us who have some miles behind us, it’s not settling for less. It’s actually growing into more.
When it comes to marriage, don’t let the less-than-perfect be the enemy of the perfectly fine.
Little things are important. If you don’t do the little things for your car…like changing the oil, rotating the tires, checking the fluid levels…it will lead to big problems. If spouses ignore little things like communication, time together, and encouraging each other, it will lead to big problems in the marriage. We tend to forget, it’s the little things that make the big things possible.
In 2 Kings chapter 2, it’s easy to focus on the big, miraculous things recorded there:
Parting the Jordan river.
A chariot of fire.
Elijah taken up in a whirlwind.
Purifying the water.
Bears attacking kids.
These are the big things that catch our attention in this chapter.
But there is a little thing that sets the stage for all of these bigger things. What is it? It’s Elisha’s commitment to stay close to Elijah.
Three times, Elisha tells Elijah that he will not leave him. Elisha stays as close as he can to the man of God, refusing to let him out of his sight.
There’s a line from an Aerosmith song that says, “I don’t want to close my eyes. I don’t want to fall asleep, cause I’ll miss you. And I don’t want to miss a thing.” Elisha didn’t want to miss anything Elijah was going to do. It was this little thing that allowed him to do bigger things.
Could that be the reason we don’t do mighty things for God? Is it because we don’t stay close and keep our eyes on Him? It seems like a small thing to do, but this little thing can make all the difference in the world.
If you want to see big God-sized things in your life, do the small things…like staying close and connected to God.
I’m not much of a gambler. Never have been. It’s not that I have some moral stance against gambling. I’ve just never felt the need to unnecessarily risk money I already have on the slight possibility I might win more.
But, one day I found myself watching a professional poker tournament on TV. It seemed like a very boring thing to watch, so I didn’t watch it long. But I watch it long enough to think, “Being married is like playing poker!”
MARRIAGE AND POKER
Here are some ways being married is like playing poker:
The stakes are high.
In professional poker, you can lose a lot of money in an instant.
Likewise, the stakes in marriage are unbelievably high. Here’s just a taste of what you stand to lose:
Your dream of happily ever after.
Your best friend of years.
Time and loyalty with your children.
Financial stability.
Friendships you made while married.
Your reputation with your spouse, your kids, and others.
Your hopes and optimism.
That’s not to say those who go through a divorce are personally losers, or that they can never recover. Like surviving a hurricane, you will rebuild, but it’s never the same.
You have to know when to hold em’ and when to fold em’.
To be clear…I’m not talking about knowing when to keep your marriage and when to end it. I’m talking about knowing when to hold on to a hurt and deal with it, and when to forgive it and let it go. Too many marriages end over an accumulation of things that were never dealt with or never forgiven.
Not knowing when to work through hurts or when to forgiving them is a sure way to lose in marriage. Learn when to hold them and when to fold them. Learn to deal with the things you need to and forgive the rest.
You probably won’t get the exact hand you want.
In poker, you don’t always get the hand you think you need. But poker players win, despite not getting the hand they want. How? By making the most of the cards they have and playing the hand they get well.
You won’t get everything you want in a marriage, but you can learn to make the best of what you have by:
Making the most of the “good cards” in your hand and playing up the positives.
Learning to negotiate the lesser cards between you and your spouse.
But let me be clear about one thing. If you’re dealing with abuse, adultery, or abandonment in your marriage, those are cards that are never right and should never be accepted. It doesn’t mean you must fold and end your marriage at that point, but it does mean that this behavior must stop and be dealt with before the marriage can move forward. If the abusive, abandoning, or adulterous behavior does not change, then you may have to fold the hand and concede the marriage.
Sometimes you have to bluff your way through.
A good poker player knows how to act like they’ve got a winning hand…even when they don’t. Acting like they’ve got a winning hand may actually bring about a win.
Some people call this “fake it till you make it.” I dislike this phrase because it sounds deceptive. I prefer the phrase “Acting like you want things to be.” For instance…
If you want a spouse you can have fun with, start having fun with them…even if they don’t look like they’re having fun.
If you want a spouse who helps you around the house, start asking for their help…even if you know they don’t want to.
If you want a spouse who’s appreciative…start showing appreciation to your spouse.
In other words, act like you’ve got the hand you want. Things won’t change overnight, but if you’re patient and consistent, things will begin to change.
You don’t always know what cards the other person is holding.
In poker, you don’t know what cards the other person is holding.
In marriage, your spouse may be holding thoughts or feelings they’re not sharing with you. You can guess, but you’re not a mind reader and will often guess wrongly. You might get to know your spouse so well you can come pretty close to reading their mind, but making that assumption can still get you in trouble.
So what can you do?
Fortunately, marriage differs from poker in that the more you share what you’re holding, the better things can become. So, show your cards. Share what you’re thinking and feeling. Ask your spouse what they’re thinking and feeling. If your spouse is not good at showing their cards, be patient. Try different approaches. Figure out ways to make it easier for them. Just don’t give up.
When you think you have It figured out, someone shuffles the deck.
There are multiple hands to a poker game. And even if you’ve got a good hand going, it eventually comes to an end and they shuffle the deck.
The same is true of marriage. About the time you’ve figured out what’s going on, something shuffles the deck.
You have children.
You have another child.
Your first child becomes a teenager.
There’s a job change, or a move, or an illness, or a financial reversal.
There are new stressors.
There are changes related to age.
It’s frustrating when something shuffles the deck of marriage, but that’s the nature of marriage. It keeps changing, so we have to keep learning and growing. Learn to be flexible and accept each new shuffle with grace and inventiveness. Some shuffles may throw you for a bit, but make the most of it. And if you don’t like the shuffle, hang on. There will be another shuffle along shortly.
A FINAL WORD…
This post is not meant to trivialize marriage by comparing it to a game. It’s meant to encourage you to approach the surprises and uncertainties of marriage with some skill, some strategy, and most of all…some flexibility.
Now, go find your spouse, give them a kiss, and say “DEAL ME IN!”
When you were growing up and needed to get your parents to sign off on something, didn’t you know which parent was more likely to say “yes” to what you wanted? Isn’t that the parent you went to?
As adults, we still tend to seek advice from friends and family whose opinions are in line with ours.
King Ahaziah
In 2 Kings chapter 1, King Ahaziah of Israel is seriously injured and seeking the advice of a pagan prophet.
Elijah
But Elijah, the prophet of God, intercepts the king’s messenger. Elijah tells the messenger to return to king Ahaziah and tell him that, because he turned to a false god for information, he would die in the bed to which he was currently confined.
Furious at not receiving the answer he wanted, the king sends soldiers to arrest Elijah. But the soldiers are destroyed as a sign that Elijah was delivering truth from God. The king sends more soldiers, and the same thing happens to them. Then, the king sends even more soldiers. But this time the soldiers ask Elijah to be merciful and spare them. Elijah not only spares them, but he also returns with them to confront the king.
Elijah comes before the king and delivers the exact message he delivered in the beginning. No embellishment. No dramatics. He simply repeats the original message.
What happened next?! 2 Kings 1:17 makes this simple, matter-of-fact statement: “So Ahaziah died, just as the Lord had promised through Elijah.” It happened exactly as God said it would.
Us
What is it that leads us to turn to anything and everything but God? Why do we turn to that which will feed our ego, rather than to that which will feed our soul? Why do we fish for the answers we want, rather than the truth we need?
God knows the beginning from the end. (Revelation 1:8) He has the answers we need, and we should pursue His answers, even if they’re not really what we want to hear.
When people (particularly young people) are getting married, they post things on social media like…
“I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you.”
“You will always be my forever friend.”
“I look forward to growing old with you.”
And I’ll admit that in weddings I officiate, I often challenge a couple to love each other in a way that will take them from their first home to the nursing home.
THE REAL
But, if growing old together is such a romantic idea, why do we work so hard against growing old. We move from one diet to another, one workout to another, and one fad to another. All in a desperate attempt to…flatten our stomach, whiten our teeth, darken our hair, increase our stamina, and reclaim our fading youth.
When you’re starting out in marriage, growing old together may seem romantic. But, if you talk to people who have been married fifty, sixty, and even seventy years, you don’t hear them talk that much about romance. What they talk about is the difficulties they had to face:
Making ends meet.
Dealing with each other’s quirks and habits.
Making a home.
Raising kids.
Illnesses.
Uncertainties.
Oh, they will talk about the benefits of being married, but usually, it’s after they’ve talked about the difficulties of being married.
THE RESULT
So let me inject a little realism into the romanticism of growing old together. Here are some things about growing old together you need to know…
You will both lose your looks, but you’ll gain a deeper love.
Life will gradually get more boring, but it will be more full.
Some big dreams will fade, but they’ll be replaced with better ones.
There will always be aggravation, but much of it will give way to appreciation.
At times, you’ll envy what younger couples have, but you still wouldn’t trade what you have.
You’ll be called to sacrifice much, but you’ll get more than you give.
Some of the frustrating things about your spouse won’t go away, but by then they won’t have to.
Your marriage will not be everything you hoped for, but it will be everything you need.
This may not be the romantic picture you would like, but it’s much more satisfying than resisting your old age and chasing after your fleeting youth.
THE REMINDER
I’m reminded of a poem by Robert Browning…
Grow old along with me! The best is yet to be, The last of life, For which the first was made. Our times are in his hand Who saith, ‘A whole I planned, Youth shows but half; Trust God: See all, nor be afraid!” (Robert Browning)
Listen to the theme here:
The best is yet to come.
The first was made for the last.
Youth is but a half.
If we will embrace these truths, then growing old together will get sweeter and truly worth our spent youth.
Some people just don’t get it. Do you know the type? These people don’t listen, even though the message is clear and strong. They keep walking down the wrong paths, even though the warning signs are loud and clear. It’s as if they think they’re exempt from the consequences, even though the consequences are nipping at their heels. They are what the Bible calls…fools.
This is the picture we get of King Ahab, in 1 Kings chapters 21-22. Ahab is self-focused. Despite the warnings and consequences, he wants what he wants. He only wants to hear what he wants to hear and tries to squelch the truth he doesn’t want to hear. (See 1 Kings chapter 22.)
But God’s truth and God’s consequences are sure, no matter what we do to ignore them or avoid them. We can’t escape God. That’s why an arrow, shot randomly into a crowd of soldiers, finds the disguised Ahab and strikes him in the very small space between the joints in his armor.
Lucky shot? I think not. Numbers 32:23 tells us that we can be sure that our sin will find us out. Ignoring our rebellion and denying our sin will not make it go away. And it will not make God go away!
Don’t be like king Ahab; doing what you want, when you want, and how you want. Listen to God, follow His instruction, count the cost of discipleship, and avoid the consequences of serving yourself.
“Don’t be misled—you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant.” (Galatians 6:7 NLT)
No, this post is not about polygamy or sister wives. It’s just that sometimes it can feel like you’re married to two spouses at the same time; the one you fell in love with, and the one you didn’t.
Let me explain by using a story from the ancient book of Genesis…
A STORY
Starting in chapter 27 of Genesis, you read about a man named Jacob. Jacob is ambitious and cheats his brother out of his inheritance. Consequently, Jacob winds up on the run. He runs to the far country and begins working for his uncle Laban.
Now Jacob’s uncle had two daughters. One was a rather plain-looking girl named Leah and the other was a beautiful girl named Racheal. One course, Jacob falls head over heels for Racheal and strikes a deal with Laban, to work seven years for Racheal’s hand in marriage.
At the end of those seven years, there’s a wedding ceremony. But, the next morning Jacob wakes up to find that Laban had somehow switched daughters and Jacob was now married to Leah instead of Racheal. (Don’t ask me how that happened!)
Laban gives Jacob some excuse and tells him that if he will agree to work for another seven years, he will go ahead and give him Racheal as well. Jacob agrees and suddenly He finds himself married to two spouses…the one he wanted and the one he didn’t!
A TRUTH
In some ways, this is true for almost every marriage. We all get a spouse we want and one we don’t. It’s a package deal!
When we’re dating, we become convinced that this is the person we want. We like their looks, their personality, and the way they make us feel. So we become convinced that they are the one for us.
But sometime after we’ve married, we wake up to discover we’re also married to a second spouse…and it’s not the one we chose. This spouse does things we don’t like. They correct us when we don’t want them to. Sometimes they take an attitude with us. This spouse doesn’t always look good or act appropriately. And sometimes, they’re just hard to get along with.
Now, occasionally, we still see the spouse we wanted; the spouse that’s easy to love. But then the other one shows up and reminds us that we got more than we bargained for.
AN APPROACH
So, you have to learn to love the spouse you don’t want. But how do you do this?
Here are some things you need to do in order to live with and love the spouse you don’t want:
Quit trying to change the one you don’t want.
Understand that you need the spouse you don’t want as much as the one you do. The spouse you don’t want brings gifts, helps, and perspectives that are much needed…even if they don’t feel good.
You would not be able to become the person you need to be if it weren’t for the spouse you don’t want. So quit trying to change them into the one you do.
Learn to appreciate the spouse you don’t want.
When you realize that the spouse you don’t want actually helps to make you and the marriage better, then it’s easier to appreciate them for what they do.
And…when you appreciate people for who they are and what they bring, they tend to rise to the occasion and become better than they would normally be. Isn’t it true that when your spouse shows you appreciation, it makes you want to be better and do more? If so, then do that for the spouse you don’t want.
Serve the spouse you don’t want.
It’s easy to serve someone who’s saying what you want to hear and acting the way you want them to act. It’s also easy to stop serving someone who’s not saying what you want to hear or not acting the way you want them to act.
But when you stop serving your spouse because they’re not the one you want, you usually get more of the behavior you don’t want. Remember…the way you treat them actually trains them on how to act toward you. So serve them like they’re the spouse you want.
IN SHORT…
Treat the spouse you don’t want as if they’re the one you do, and you might just find out they really are!
And finally, you’re reading these words to figure out how to live with the spouse you don’t want. But remember…they’re also reading these words to figure out how to live with the spouse they don’t want. Because you’re not the only one who got the spouse they wanted and the one they didn’t.
