differences

The List – Insist on Doing Things As Your Family Did

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My wife and I had only been married for six months, and it was Christmas eve. We had finished dinner, and I was preparing to watch some Christmas specials when it happened. She asked me a question that jarred me. It came out of nowhere. I hadn’t expected it. I couldn’t even believe she was asking it. But there, on Christmas eve, she had the nerve to ask me…”So, you want to open presents now?”

“What do you mean, ‘you want to open presents now?!’ It’s Christmas eve! You don’t open presents on Christmas eve! You open them on Christmas morning! That’s the way I’ve always done it!” It was quite the scene. But to be fair, she was just as incredulous when I suggested she cook a full breakfast of ham, eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, etc. on Christmas morning…because that’s the way my mom always did it.

Suddenly I realized that we grew up in families that did things very differently.

You don’t have to be married long to realize this. Perhaps…

  • Your mom cooked every evening, but your wife wants to go out and eat.
  • Your dad was handy at fixing anything, but your husband can’t do anything but call a repairman.
  • Your family went on nice family vacations, but your spouse’s family never went anywhere.
  • You were raised to pick up after yourself, but your spouse wasn’t.

You probably have other examples you could share, but when it comes to marriage, these are the types of things that dampen the relational magic and make things seem more like work.

WHY IS IT BAD TO INSIST ON DOING THINGS LIKE YOUR FAMILY?

Whether it’s holiday traditions or everyday ways of doing things, both you and your spouse come into marriage with different memories and experiences. Some of those memories and experiences you want to hold onto and recreate, while others of those you would rather change. But I can tell you that insisting that your spouse do things like your family did will hurt your marriage.

Maybe you’re just trying to recreate special moments from your childhood so your family can experience them too. There’s nothing wrong with that desire, but insisting on doing things as your family did is not good for the following reasons…

It’s disrespectful and belittling to your spouse and their family.

You come across sounding like the way your family did things was right and the way your spouse’s family did things was wrong. This is hurtful to your spouse and won’t win you any points.

You come across as dictatorial.

Insisting on getting your way is never endearing to your spouse. And it’s especially hurtful when you’re dictating against some of their traditions or ways of doing things. This will leave your spouse with only two options: (1) They can roll over and be subservient, but this is going to create hurt and bitterness on their part. Or, (2) they can become rebellious and refuse to do things the way you want. This will create anger and resentment on your part.

It keeps the two of you from forming new ways that are uniquely yours.

Many wedding ceremonies involve the lighting of a unity candle. The bride and groom each take a candle symbolizing their family, and together they use those two candles to light a candle that symbolizes the start of a new family. Scripture calls it, “the two becoming one.” This involves more than just consummating the marriage. It involves the two of you melting and merging your ways and approaches into something new and unique to the two of you. Insisting on doing things the way your family did is the opposite of that.

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?

It’s easy to say that the two of you should stop insisting on doing things as your families did, and instead find new ways to do things. But just how can you do that without becoming a doormat or a bulldozer?

Well, it will probably be a little different for each couple, but here are some general principles you can follow:

  • Don’t make fun of the way your spouse’s family did things. Even if your spouse makes fun of something they did, refrain from doing that yourself. Just think about how it stings when they do that to you.
  • Ask yourself if you want things a certain way because you think it’s best, or just because it preserves a special memory for you. So often, we want to do things the way our family did because we’re trying to preserve a memory or share it with our spouse or family. But often, those memories were for that time and that family, and now’s the time to make new memories with this family.
  • Each of you identify the things that are not so special to you and you’d be willing to change. Just because you have some special memories about something in your family doesn’t mean that everything was critical to that memory. Both of you figure out what you could do without and offer that up to your spouse.
  • Take what’s left (the things you want to keep) and see if you might be able to fit those together somehow. Maybe there’s a way for the two of you to take the things that are really special to you and join them together into something that fits both of you.

Let’s go back to my Christmas example. After applying the above steps, some possible solutions might be:

  • You each open one present on Christmas eve and then the rest on Christmas morning.
  • One year you open presents on Christmas eve and the other year you open presents on Christmas morning.
  • You have something different than you usually do for Christmas breakfast, but not as elaborate as a four-course meal.
  • You have an elaborate Christmas breakfast, but a lite and easy Christmas lunch.

The options are many, depending on whether you have kids, how close you live to family, etc. The thing is to not get stuck in insisting the old way, but instead, move on to creating new ways.

A FINAL WORD…

I know that all of this can sound rather trivial. Who’s going to lose their marriage over whether they open presents on Christmas eve or Christmas morning? But it’s not just about holiday traditions. It’s about how you decide to do life. It’s about a failure to create your own marriage because one or both of you keep trying to live by old family patterns.

Continuing to insist that you and your spouse do things like your family did them will hurt your marriage. And in the long run, it can cause you to lose your marriage. And so…It’s on the list!

Are You a Doer or a Waiter?

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When your car needs serviced, do you take initiative to get it serviced, or do you wait, hoping your spouse will do it? Or, when there are dirty dishes in the sink, do you take initiative to put them in the dishwasher, or do you wait to see if your spouse will do it? If you and your spouse haven’t had sex in a while, do you take the initiative to make something happen, or do you wait for your spouse to initiate?

DOERS AND WAITERS

There are typically two types of people in marriage: doers and waiters.

Doers.

Doers take initiative to get things moving and to make things better. Sometimes their intentions are good. They want to be helpful, they want to serve their spouse, or they simply want to make things better.

But sometimes a doer’s intentions are not good. They want to control the situation or make sure things are the way they want them, or they just don’t trust the other person to take care of something.

Waiters.

Waiters do exactly that…they wait for things to move and become better. Sometimes their intentions are good. They don’t want to overstep their bounds, they don’t want to leave someone out of a decision, or they don’t want to come across as controlling.

But sometimes a waiter’s intentions are not good. They wait because they are afraid of making a mistake, or they’re avoiding taking responsibility, or they don’t want to humble themselves to be the first one to move.

THE COMBINATIONS

Every marriage has some combination of doers and waiters:

Combination #1 – Both are waiters.

There are some situations when it’s good for both spouses to be waiters. For example…

  • When money is tight, it’s good for both of you to be waiters when it comes to expensive purchases.
  • When you both have reservations about a major decision, it can be good for both of you to be waiters.
  • When life is trying to teach one of your kids a major lesson, it can be good for the two of you to be waiters and not rush in to bail them out.

But usually, having two waiters in a marriage can be a problem, because nothing gets done and each spouse blames the other for not acting.

Combination #2 – There’s one doer and one waiter.

This is the typical situation. And it’s not all bad.

Doing can be good when the doer has strengths in an area the other doesn’t. Or when the doer steps in to give the other a break. And waiting can be good when the waiter holds back out of honor and respect for the other. Or when the waiter pulls back so as to not enable the other’s lethargy.

The problem comes when one spouse does most of the doing and the other does most of the waiting. When this happens, the doer can either become controlling, or they can become resentful that they have to always take the initiative. And the waiter can become resentful because they feel controlled, or they learn not to take initiative and responsibility.

Combination #3 – Both are doers.

This final combination can be great if both spouses are looking out for the needs and the interests of the other. This can provide for a caring, well-kept relationship.

But when both spouses are doers because they like things their way, or they don’t trust the other, then the marriage turns into a competition and a battle for control.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

No matter whether you’re a doer or a waiter, learn to stretch yourself and grow in your marriage.

If you’re predominantly a doer, then teach yourself to wait more, allowing your spouse more involvement and collaboration. You’ll probably need to wait longer than feels comfortable, and you’ll need to invite your spouse into the process. But don’t fall for the old “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done” routine. Not everything hinges on you.

And if you’re predominantly a waiter, force yourself to take more initiative. Don’t take a lot of time to think about it. Move more quickly than you usually do. Your spouse may not be used to you taking the initiative. It may even feel like an imposition to them at times. But they will get used to sharing the initiative.

A good marriage requires spouses to smoothly shift back and forth from doing and waiting. But, whether you’re a doer or a waiter, both of you should strive to be a doer for the other. Marriage is at its best when both spouses are trying to out serve the other.

So, doers and waiters…unite!

What Can You Do If You’re Dissatisfied With Your Marriage?

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If you’re dissatisfied with your spouse or your marriage, you’re not alone. As we saw in the last post, it’s not that uncommon. But the big question is, what do you do about it?

In this post, we’ll look at what you can do if you’re dissatisfied with your marriage.

ARE YOU DOOMED TO BE DISSATISFIED IN MARRIAGE?

Just because every marriage experiences occasional dissatisfaction doesn’t mean you’re doomed to be dissatisfied in marriage.

I once knew a couple who had been married for 74 years. One day, I asked them how they had managed to have such a long and strong marriage.  The husband told me, “Son, sometimes when I would get frustrated with her, I had to learn to shut my mouth and go for a long walk.” His wife started laughing, and said, “He wasn’t the only one who had to go for a long walk!”

Despite times of dissatisfaction, this couple had a wonderful marriage of 74 years. So, even though you may experience some dissatisfaction from time to time, know that you can still have a great and lasting marriage.

WHAT CAN YOU DO IF YOUR DISSATISFIED WITH YOUR MARRIAGE?

Being dissatisfied in your marriage doesn’t necessarily mean you have a bad marriage, but it does mean you have some changes to make. You may think your spouse is the source of your dissatisfaction, but a lot of your dissatisfaction has as much to do with you as it does with your spouse.

So if you want to turn your dissatisfaction around, you (not your spouse) need to start making some changes. Here are a few things you can do:

Stop Comparing Your Marriage to Others.

It’s easy to be envious of other marriages that seem to have it all together. When you see them out to dinner, at church, or on social media, they look happy and seem to have a great marriage. But you would probably be surprised if you could see behind the scenes. No couple is perfect, and every couple has their own struggles.

I am not saying there aren’t couples out there who have great marriages. There are. But their marriage is great because they have learned what works for them. And what works for them won’t necessarily work for you and your spouse.

So stop comparing your marriage to other marriages that look great, and instead, start making your marriage great.

Curb Your Expectations.

We all have expectations about how we think our spouse and marriage should be. Expectations are a part of being human.

But too often, our expectations are unrealistic. Just as you would be hurt and frustrated if your spouse held you to their expectations of the perfect spouse, so will they feel hurt and frustrated if you do the same.

So learn to curb your unrealistic expectations.

Give Your Spouse the Benefit of the Doubt.

Your spouse didn’t marry you so they could make you miserable. That was not their intention when they uttered their wedding vows, and it is probably not their intention now.

It’s easy to get our feelings hurt and then to take everything personally. But most of the things you take personally, have little to do with you, and more to do with your spouse.

So assume that your spouse loves you, that they didn’t mean it in the way you heard it, and that they’re not just trying to get your goat.

If it continues to bother you, kindly ask them about it, but otherwise, give your spouse what you would want…the benefit of the doubt.

Stop Seeing Differences As a Threat.

We talked about this in the last post. When we’re dating, we believe we’re attracted to our partner by all we have in common. But in reality, it’s our differences that attract us.

Those differences seem novel at the time. But, after the “I do’s,” those differences start to lose their appeal. Rather than attracting us, those differences begin to aggravate us. They get under our skin, and we start seeing the differences as flaws in our spouse that we need to correct.  (By the way…trying to correct your spouse’s “flaws” won’t win you any points. Trust me!)

The differences between you and your spouse are not there to aggravate you. They are there to grow you. Those differences are there to help strengthen your weak areas and to compliment the things you lack.  Those differences are also there to teach you how to be humble and gracious. In reality, your spouse’s differences are a gift, rather than a threat.  The more you can see this, the less dissatisfied you’ll be.

Change Your Focus.

Many of us are better at pointing out what’s wrong than celebrating what’s right. It’s easier to focus on what we don’t like about our spouse and our marriage, than on what’s good about our spouse and our marriage. This can be caustic.

Whatever you focus on tends to set your attitude and approach to things. So if you focus on that with which you’re dissatisfied, you wind up fueling your dissatisfaction and killing your gratitude.

Philippians 4:8 encourages us to focus on what’s good and right and commendable. If you learn to do this in marriage, you’ll be surprised at the difference it will make.

Show More Appreciation than Disappointment.

If you’re experiencing dissatisfaction in your marriage, you probably feel under-appreciated. But I’m betting your spouse feels the same way.

It is so easy to stop showing appreciation to your spouse and to start taking them for granted…leaving them starved for appreciation. How do you know if your spouse needs appreciation? If they’re breathing, they need appreciation.

Appreciation is the one gift that costs you nothing to give and produces tremendous benefits when you do. Be lavish in showing your spouse appreciation…even for the small things.

IN THE END…

Will doing these things make every day of marriage as happy as a broadway musical number? Nope! But doing these things will make you more aware and grateful for the great things about your spouse and your marriage. And as your gratitude increases your dissatisfaction decreases.

So, laugh in the face of your dissatisfaction and get to work!

Are You Dissatisfied With Your Marriage?

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If you’ve been married for a while, maybe you’ve had this thought. It’s an unsettling thought that you’ve probably not said out loud, but it’s one you can’t seem to escape. The thought is…

“I’m not satisfied with my marriage.”

In the last Normal Marriage post, we looked at the tendency for spouses to drift apart. This post addresses the next level. Here, we move from looking at marital drifting to marital dissatisfaction.

DISSATISFACTION IN MARRIAGE

The thought that you’re not satisfied in marriage can rock you to your core. We all go into marriage believing things should be happy and easy. And when it’s not, we…

  • Wonder if we married the right person.
  • Feel like there’s something wrong with us.
  • Blame our spouse.
  • Become depressed or resentful.

Now, let’s make something clear from the start. You’re going to be dissatisfied with your marriage from time to time. Despite what you see on social media, no one has the perfect, easy marriage. As a pastoral counselor, I see a lot of marriages that look great on the outside, but behind closed doors, the marriage is not as perfect as it looks. So know that there are times when marriage won’t be satisfying.

WHAT CAUSES DISSATISFACTION IN MARRIAGE?

If I asked you, “What’s causing you to be dissatisfied with your marriage?” you may think, “That’s easy. I’m dissatisfied with my marriage because of my spouse!”

Nice try, but it’s not that easy. There can be a lot of reasons for your dissatisfaction, and not all of them are about your spouse. Obviously, issues of abuse, or adultery, or abandonment will cause major dissatisfaction in a marriage. But we’re not talking about anything that drastic. Here are a few of the more “normal” reasons why you might be dissatisfied with your marriage:

The two of you are human.

You married a flawed person. Oh, and by the way…they did too! We make mistakes at times. We’re self-absorbed at times. We get tunnel vision. We are a work in progress. (But don’t go and tell your spouse they’re “a piece of work.” That’s not what I meant!) You’re not perfect and neither is your spouse. This, in itself, can create dissatisfaction in marriage.

The two of you are different.

When people come to me for premarital counseling, I ask them what attracted them to each other. They always say it’s was because they were so much alike. But the truth is, we’re attracted more by our differences than our similarities. It’s our differences that make the relationship exciting and attractive. But here’s the problem…opposites attract before the “I do’s” and they aggravate after the “I do’s.” (Can I get an Amen?!)

But you need those differences because they compliment and shore up your weakness. Those differences that aggravate you are actually a gift to you…if you’re willing to humble yourself and accept it.

Life throws you curves.

We all want to get married and live happily ever after. But life tends to plant land mines all along our road to happily ever after. Job losses, health issues, wayward children, expenses we didn’t expect, and a host of other things can explode without warning. And the stress and strain they put on a marriage can create a lot of dissatisfaction.

Your expectations are unrealistic.

Our expectations for marriage are often unrealistic…especially in the beginning. We expect our spouse to continue to be just as enraptured with us as they were when we were dating. We expect them to always listen to us, always want to have sex with us, continue to bring us cards and flowers, be interested in everything we’re interested in, and in general see life the way we see it. These unrealistic expectations get us in trouble and keep us from being satisfied in marriage.

I’m not saying you should expect the worst. I’m just saying your expectations need to be realistic.

Hallmark movies lie to you.

Ok, maybe this is just my aversion to Hallmark movies, but it goes along with unrealistic expectations. If you compare yourself to what you see in Hallmark movies (or other media,) you will start to base your expectations on that…and you will be dissatisfied.

The point is, no marriage is perfect, and there’s a lot of perfectly normal and natural reasons spouses experience dissatisfaction in their marriage.

Does this mean that you’re just doomed to be dissatisfied in your marriage? Not at all! But it does mean that you (not just your spouse) will have to make some changes.

What changes? We’ll cover that in the next Normal Marriage post…so stay tuned!

If Your Approaches to Parenting Differ…

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When people come into my counseling office with marital problems, I always ask them, “When did these things start to be a problem?” The majority of people trace it back to when they started having kids.

This makes sense. When kids come along…

  • You have to share your spouse’s attention with a very needy child.
  • The demands of parenting, leave you with less energy for marriage.
  • Money is tighter, leaving less to spend on the relationship.
  • Free time becomes a thing of the past and things like dating often go by the way-side.

But there’s another reason why kids disrupt a marriage as surely as pulling the pin on a grenade. When kids come into a marriage, we become parents. And although we’re parenting the same child/children, our views on parenting often differ. These different views on parenting can create a lot of conflicts.

DIFFERING VIEWS ON PARENTING

Where do we get our views on parenting?

Gender differences.

There are distinct differences between the genders. Some of these differences are the result of genetics and some are the result of socialization. But the differences are there and they affect our views and approaches to parenting. Men and women will always view parenting differently on some level.

Family of Origin Differences.

But most of our views on parenting come from how we were parented. You and your spouse had different parenting experiences growing up, so it makes sense that you would have different views on parenting now. Let me give you an example…

One of the biggest disagreements between my wife and me centered on how our teenage girls kept their rooms.

Walking into our girls’ rooms was like going on a safari in the jungles of Africa. There were so many clothes on the floor you needed a machete to cut a path. Bras and scarves desperately hung from mirrors as if they were afraid of falling to the floor and getting lost in the undergrowth. School books were scattered around the room as if their book bag had suffered from projectile vomiting. And there were drinking glasses and dishes that had been there so long, I had forgotten we had them.

My wife and I responded very differently to the girls’ rooms. I would look in their rooms and shake my head, much like you would when you see someone pushing on a door that says “pull.” Then I would shrug my shoulders and keep moving. But my wife would look in their rooms and respond so heatedly it would set off the smoke alarms and send the kids into a duck-and-cover mode.

Why did we react so differently? Because we were raised by different parents.

As a boy, I shared a very small and well lived-in bedroom with two other brothers. My mother sensed it was futile to expect it to stay neat all the time, so she gave us our space…asking only for an occasional cleaning.

But my wife was parented differently. Her parents believed that children showed respect by keeping everything neat and in its place. To do otherwise was considered disrespectful. So she always kept her room neat and clean.

You can see why we reacted differently to our girls’ messy rooms. We viewed room cleanliness based on how we were parented.

WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR APPROACHES TO PARENTING DIFFER?

I can sum up the answer to this question in one statement…

If your approaches to parenting differ…you must parent differently.

It took us a while to come to a mutual agreement on how our kids should keep their rooms. I wanted an approach in which the kids were not always complaining about living with a room nazi. My wife wanted an approach in which the kids respected her enough to keep their rooms from looking like a toxic waste dump.

To find a solution, we both had to change our approach. We both had to parent differently.

We came up with a solution that was different from what we each wanted but had enough of what we each wanted to satisfy us. Here is what we came up with…

Six days a week, the girls could keep their rooms pretty much the way they wanted, with two exceptions: they couldn’t leave food lying around, and they had to keep their door closed so their mother didn’t go into cardiac arrest each time she passed by their rooms. But one day a week, they had to clean their rooms to pass mom’s inspection…and mom’s inspection could be tough! And if their rooms didn’t pass her inspection, then they lost privileges.

You see, my wife and I had to parent differently than we wanted to accommodate each other’s parenting views.  We had to find out what was important to each other when it came to parenting, and then find approaches that honored us both.

It’s easier said than done, but there’s no other way. You each will approach parenting differently, which means you must each parent differently.

On a side note: both girls survived. They grew up to have kids of their own and now have to fight their own room battles. There is some poetic justice in life! 

If You Disagree on Spending… (Part 1)

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They say the three hot topics for marriage are sex, money, and communication. We talked about sex in the last post and we’ll put off communication till a later post. (See what I did there?) So, let’s talk about money.

At one time or another, every marriage will have problems over money, and how to spend it. Those problems usually stem from our money deficiencies and/or spousal differences.

MONEY DEFICIENCIES

More than once in our marriage, we’ve gone into a panic and scrounged for change in the sofa as we tried to figure out how we were going to pay something.

This was especially true when we were in grad school. We had so little money in grad school, our idea of eating out was CiCi’s pizza once every 2 weeks because the kids could eat for free. Our idea of date night was going to McD’s where my wife and I would share a small soft drink and refill it a hundred times while the kids played on the indoor playground.

Struggling over money can put an incredible strain on your marriage. I know! But there are things you can do, and we’ll get to those in the next post.

SPOUSAL DIFFERENCES

Another way money issues can put a strain on a marriage is when spouses have different approaches to money and spending. Our different approaches are fueled by things like…

Different upbringings.

Rarely do husbands and wives have similar upbringings when it comes to money.  One spouse may have been raised in a home where mom and dad felt it was more important to have things and experiences than to stay out of debt. Another spouse may have been raised by parents who were militant about building up savings and staying out of debt. Maybe one spouse never saw their parents fight over money, while the other saw that on a regular basis. How you saw your parents handle money and spending will have an effect on your marriage.

Different personalities.

How spouses approach money also has a lot to do with their personality. Optimistic or pessimistic, impulsive or calculating, extraverted or introverted…theses are personality traits that affect how we see and handle money. And if you haven’t figured it out yet, your personality is probably different than your spouse’s.

Different wants and needs.

If left to my own devices, I would spend as much money as I could on computers, iPads, and photography gear. My wife, on the other hand, would spend as much money as she could on furniture and things to make the house homier. So you can see, it’s unlikely that we’re going to agree on how to spend what discretionary income we might have. (Pray for us!)

Different fears.

All of the above differences tend to foster different fears in spouses. One spouse may fear not being able to give their kids the things they never had as a child, so they want to spend money…even if they have to go in debt to do it. The other spouse may fear not having financial security in times of crisis (or in retirement), so they want to scrimp and save, to build up their reserves…even if it means they do without some things. Our differing fears can be a strong motivation for how we approach money and spending.

Here’s the thing. Whether it’s not enough money or too many differences with your spouse…

If you disagree on spending…it’s normal.

But, even though they’re normal, money and spending issues can put a strain on marriage at best and tear it apart at worst. So, for the sake of our marriage, we have to learn how to handle our money and our spending.

How we do that will be the topic of part 2, next week. See you then.

If You Want Your Spouse To Change…

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Remember when when you were so in love with your spouse you couldn’t think of anything you wanted to change about them? Does that seem like a long time ago?

WHY CAN’T WE SEE OUR DIFFERENCES EARLY ON?

In premarital counseling, I try to get couples to see their differences and the problems those differences will cause. But most couples either brush those things aside or get frustrated with me for “nit picking.” Why is it so difficult to clearly see our differences in the beginning?

We’re blinded by the excitement of love and hormones.

Being in love is intoxicating. Love effects the brain much like alcohol or drugs, and just like alcohol and drugs, it can impair our ability to see and judge things. Consequently, we can’t imagine any major differences, let alone the problems they could cause.

But the chemical intoxication of love eventually subsides and our differences become more glaring.

We minimize any possible problems.

When I’m pointing out differences in premarital counseling, the couple often thinks I’m making a big of a deal over small things. “So what if they’re not as much of a neat freak as I am, or if they are more of a saver than I am. So what if they’re an extrovert and I’m an introvert. These are small thing that we’ll handle when they come up.”

Even when we believe there are some differences between us, we don’t think they’re that big of a deal. We believe our love is enough to conquer these “small” things. But that’s like saying, “I love these shoes so much, it really won’t matter that there’s a rock in my shoe. It will be fine.”

We see the differences, but we believe that once we’re married our spouse will change.

I can’t tell you how many time this happens: A couple comes into my counseling office, at odds over their differences. And when I ask whether these differences were present before they got married, they tell me, “Yes, but I thought they would change.” And the really honest spouses will say, “Yes, but I thought I could change them.”

But after you’ve been married a while, the list of things you wish you could change about your spouse doesn’t get shorter. It gets longer. Which brings us to a second question…

HOW CAN I GET MY SPOUSE TO CHANGE?

We all have been guilty of trying to change our spouse. We tend to believe our problems would go away and our marriage would be better if our spouse would just change! And we’re so convinced of this, we try to “help them” change.

What not to do.

Our attempts to change our spouse look something like this…

  • We point out the thing we think they need to change. (Maybe they just don’t see it.)
  • We try to convince them why our way of doing things is better. (Surely they will see the reasoning.)
  • We nag them into doing what we want them to do. (But we would never call it nagging. We’re just trying to help.)
  • We elevate the volume and the intensity of our communication. (They just need to know how serious we are about this.)
  • We withdraw and withhold the things that are important to them. (After all, if I can’t get what I want, they shouldn’t get what they want.)

If you’ve tried any or all of these tactics, you know that they’re not very effective. Even if they get you what you want, it will be a short-lived effort and a long-lived resentment.

What to do?

So what do you do if you want your spouse to change? Here it is…

If you want your spouse to change…you change!

I know this is not what you want to hear. (It’s not what I want to hear either!) But follow me on this…

Opposites attract when you’re dating, but after the honeymoon, opposites tend to aggravate. That’s when we start trying to change our spouse, so they will fit better with us.

But marriage is like a dance between two dance partners. If you don’t like the way your partner is dancing, you have three option:

  • You can try to pressure your partner into dancing the way you want. But this is not really dancing. It’s wrestling.
  • You can ditch your partner for another who will dance the way you want. But this is not really dancing. It’s running.
  • Or you can change the way you’re dancing! This presents the greatest possibility of change. Your spouse doesn’t want to be forced into doing something different, any more than you do. But if you change the way you’re dancing, your partner will then have the freedom to choose their options.

Difference that frustrate you about your spouse may be due to something as simple as differences in personality or up-bringing. And you can’t do anything about those. But so often, your spouse is acting the way they are, because they are reacting to something you’re doing…or not doing.

  • They’re nagging you, because you’re not listening to them or doing what needs to be done.
  • They are ignoring you, because you’ve been ignoring them in some way.
  • They’re not asking what you think, because you’re too harsh and critical.
  • They complain about not spending time together, because you’re not spending time with them…at least not in a way that connects with them.
  • They are upset about overspending or underspending, because you’re not valuing what they value.

In other words, they’re dancing the way they are, because you’re dancing the way you are. So one of the most effective ways to effect change in a marriage is to change yourself.

One last thought…Don’t be so quick to try to change the differences that drive you crazy. These differences that attracted you in the beginning are now there to grow you in the present. Sometimes we need to accept our spouse the way they are, rather than try to change them. After all…isn’t that what we want them to do for us?

The Quarantined Marriage

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I typically talk about what it means to have a “normal marriage.” But in these days of social distancing, “normal“ has become a thing of the past. We are all operating under a new normal now. And that new normal is…quarantine!

Couples who have typically been franticly busy, running from one obligation too the next, are now forced to shelter in place, under the same roof, 24/7. A sort of forced companionship if you will.

But this forced companionship can be difficult. It can introduce irritations that we were able to avoid, as long as we stayed on the go. But now there’s nowhere to go!

Here are some things that can make the quarantined marriage a challenge:

  • BIG DIFFERENCES – It’s no news flash that couples are usually very different from one another. We have different personalities, different ways of working, different likes, different approaches to children, different stressors, and different triggers. Being together all day, every day, provides a lot of opportunity for those differences to bump into one another. If you can’t allow for your spouse’s differences without feeling disrespected or inconvenienced, then quarantine is going to be an experience that feels more like water boarding than togetherness.
  • POOR COMMUNICATION – Again, most couples are use to staying busy enough they have an excuse for not stopping and communicating with one another. Before the quarantine, we could get by on shallow conversations about our day. But during the quarantine, we can’t talk about our day…because we are both there in the middle of it! Quarantine forces us to talk about other things for longer periods of time. And this often reveals that the communication we used to do so phenomenally when we were dating, now needs a little work.
  • INCREASED ANXIETY – This one is a given. There is much for us to worry about these days. The big worry is whether we and our loved ones will avoid catching the virus. Another big source of anxiety is whether we will have a job and be able to pay our bills. Then, there’s the smaller worries. Before, we had to worry about whether our kids were good students. Now we have to worry about whether we’re good teachers. Before, we had to worry about who was going to the store to get milk. Now we have to worry about whether there will be any milk when we get to the store. These, and a host of other worries, can raise our anxiety, increase our stress, and make marriage more difficult.
  • LACK OF PURPOSE – This one is not so obvious. Before the quarantine, we were able to confuse taking care of business with having a purpose. It felt like our marriage was here to put a roof over our heads and food on the table, to raise and protect children, to build our careers, etc. But with our ability to do these things now on pause, we have to face the question…why are we married and what’s our real purpose for being married?

As you can see, this quarantine can certainly test your marriage. But you can also use the quarantine as a time to train your marriage. Let me encourage you to use this time to do the following:

  • Learn that your spouse’s differences are not about you. Their differences are about them. Your spouse is different from you, not because they’re trying to get your goat, but because that’s the way God and life has made them. They are not out to get you, so stop taking their differences so personally. Begin to think of their differences as more tools that can be added to the marriage tool box.
  • Learn how to talk again. It doesn’t have to be life-changing, gut-wrenching conversations on a Dr. Phil level. Just talk about anything and everything. You use to do this when you were dating. So if you’re having trouble with this, go back and remember those times. The more you talk about little things, the easier it will be to talk about bigger things.
  • Learn to to calm your anxieties. Anxieties are like the warning lights on the dashboard of your car. They tell you something might need attention, but they don’t tell you to drive your car off a bridge! Note your anxieties, but don’t live by them. Some anxiety is natural and even healthy in times like these. But if you find your anxiety is causing you more problems than solutions, you need to learn How to deal with your anxiety. Find a close friend who can talk you off the roof. Read Scriptures than can calm your heart. Pray. And if you can’t find anything to calm your anxiety, you may need to talk to your physician. But use this time of quarantine to train your anxiety.
  • Learn to live for something greater then just the immediate. Surely you got married for more than just raising kids and paying bills. What is it about your marriage that con’t be stopped by a quarantine? What is it you want to accomplish in your marriage and with your marriage? Spend some time together tossing that question around and dreaming about that.

When it comes to marriage, you can look at this time of quarantine as a time of testing or a time of training. What will you choose?

Night Owls, Morning Glories, and Minding the Gap

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I’m a morning glory. Apart from the bed-head and stiff joints, mornings are the best part of my day. In the morning, I’m rested, my mind is clear, things are quiet, and I can get my most productive work and planning done.

My wife, on the other hand, is a night owl. The nighttime is the best part of her day. At night, things are settling down for her. The demands of the day are over and she can begin to focus on the things that are important to her.

It’s like we’re on two different teams. When I’m ready to greet the day, she’s ready to pull the covers over her head. And when I’m ready to end the day she’s just getting started.  She doesn’t like being woke up in the morning, and I don’t like staying up late at night.  We live life with this big gap between us.

Truth is, all marriages have gaps in them. One spouse may want to save for a rainy day, while the other wants to spend to make the day brighter. One spouse might want to hang out with people, while the other wants to hide out from people. One spouse may see the glass as half full while the other is not even sure there is a class. Gaps!

At first, we try to overlook the gaps in our marriage. We want to believe they’re just a fluke. A glitch in the program. But when these gaps become glaring and unavoidable, then we tend to default to one of three approaches:

  • Rescue our spouse by showing them the error of their ways.
  • Convince ourselves that we have chosen poorly, look for a different model.
  • Resign ourselves to a life of unhappiness as we gaze at each other from across the gap.

These options make marital gaps perilous. So, if we are going to navigate the perilous gaps in marriage, we need to have some different options. On the London underground, you often hear the warning, “Mind the gap.” Let me suggest four ways you can “mind the gaps” in your marriage:

G – Give up. I’m not talking about giving up your marriage. I’m talking about giving up your need/desire to change your spouse or control what they do. If you haven’t figured it out already, telling your spouse how they should be, what they should do, and why they should do it is not a way to win their heart. It’s more of a way to catch their heat. You’re not their parent, and you’re not God. You don’t like it when they try to change you, so give up trying to change them.

A – Accept. Accept that your spouse is different from you by design. They are a unique individual in their own right..just like you. The differences that are aggravating each of you are the differences that originally attracted you to one another. So accept them for who and how they are. Nothing is more attractive and life changing than that. (Note – I am not talking about accepting abusive or immoral behavior. That should never be tolerated, and must be dealt with before a relationship can proceed.)

P – Praise. Learn to praise your spouse for the strengths that are a part of their nature…even if they are on the other side of your gap. Because it’s their strengths that balance out yours. My wife is a very detailed person who dots all the I’s, crosses all the T’s, and likes to have a plan before doing something. I, on the other hand, am a big picture person who hates to be bothered with details, paperwork, and plans. Yes, we drive each other crazy with our natural bents, but we need each other’s strengths. So, instead of complaining about the differences, we should be celebrating them.

S – Step. As I said, there will always be some gaps in your marriage. But if you want to close the gaps some, then you have to take a step of faith in their direction…

  • If you’re a morning glory, take occasion to stay up a little later with your spouse.
  • If you’re a night owl, try getting up a little earlier to be with your spouse.
  • If you’re an introvert, take your extraverted spouse out with people.
  • If you’re an extrovert, spend a quiet evening at home…just you and your spouse.
  • If you’re a saver, buy your spouse something…just because.
  • If you’re a spender, make an effort to adhere to the budget.
  • If you’re an optimist, acknowledge all the things that could go wrong with a decision.
  • If you’re a pessimist, acknowledge all the things that could go right with a decision.

A good marriage is not about getting your spouse to be more like you. It’s about successfully minding the gaps between the two of you so they become positive rather than perilous. This week, take one step to celebrate a gap in your marriage. Then, take one step to bridge a gap in your marriage. Here’s to minding the gap!