Global warming. It’s one of the hot topics today…if you’ll excuse the pun. Scientists tell us that past decisions to satisfy our growing hunger for more (more products, more comfort, more convenience, etc.) are now having destructive consequences on the current state and health of our environment.
Just as decisions in the past can affect current conditions environmentally, past decisions can affect current conditions spiritually.
That’s the message we hear over and over again in 2 Kings chapters 14 and 15. Time and time again, we hear phrases like, “He did evil in the sight of the Lord, just as his father did.” At times, the Scripture connects the behaviors of the current king of Israel all the way back to the idolatry of the first king of Israel…Jeroboam. And this pattern is repeated so often in chapters 14 and 15 that you get tired of reading it.
I believe the Scripture is trying to drill home the idea that the choices we make now have a lasting impact in the years to come. Our decisions now will reverberate down through the generations. (Ex. 20:5) Our current choices and actions are key to the spiritual climate of the future. My words and actions impact my children; which has an impact on their interactions with their friends, their spouses, and their children.
Whether or not you believe in the reality of global warming, you can believe that your current decisions and actions will impact your future spiritual climate. That is the clear message God gives us in 2 Kings chapters 14 and 15.
Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and marriage failures.
IT HAPPENS
If you’ve been married for any length of time, there probably have been times when you’ve thought things like:
They used to tell me “thank you” when I did something for them.
They used to leave me little notes.
They used to tell me how good the meal was.
They used to brag about things I had done.
They used to jump in and help without me asking.
They used to hold the door for me.
They used to tell me how good the yard looked after I finished.
And so you wonder, “Where did that go? Were they just faking that behavior in the beginning? Have I done something wrong? Have they stopped caring for me the way they used to? Why did they stop showing appreciation?”
WHAT IS APPRECIATION?
Appreciation is the grateful and thankful recognition of a person and their efforts.
It can be as simple as…
Thanking them for a great meal.
Bragging on what a great job they did.
Leaving a note to encourage them.
Acknowledging them in front of others.
And it can be as elaborate as…
Throwing a party to celebrate a milestone in their life.
Planning a weekend around their favorite activity.
Saving up for that special gift they desire.
Putting together a special book of things and memories about them.
Appreciation is putting action to your gratitude. It’s making your thankfulness visible and tangible.
WHY IS IT IMPORTANT?
Showing your appreciation to your spouse is important, because…
Appreciation is something they need.
How do you know if your spouse needs your appreciation? Check and see if they’re breathing. If they’re breathing, they need your appreciation! We all long to be appreciated. Appreciation is to our hearts what air is to our lungs. Without it, we’re lifeless. That’s how important showing appreciation is to people.
Appreciation makes a lasting impact.
Most of us remember a time, years ago when someone encouraged us with their kind words and actions. And most of us remember a time, years ago, when someone failed to encourage us with kind words and actions. The point is, we still carry the memories of these moments to this day! Whether or not you show appreciation will have a lasting impact on people.
Appreciation is simple and effective.
If you’re looking for the simplest and easiest way to build up your spouse, improve your marriage, and make points in the process…then show more appreciation. Showing appreciation costs you nothing, but it means everything to others. It takes very little of your time, but it lasts a lifetime for others. Appreciation is the IRA of relationships. Simple, regular investments will lead to big returns.
WHY DO WE STOP DOING IT?
If showing appreciation is so simple, easy, and effective, why do we tend to let it slide in marriage? Well, like many other things in life, our relationship with our spouse just gets too familiar, too comfortable, and we get lazy.
When we were dating, we intentionally worked hard at giving compliments, being encouraging, and showing appreciation, because we really wanted this person in our life. But after we’re married and we have the person we wanted, we then turn our attention to other things. We begin focusing on homes, kids, jobs, hobbies, etc. and we fail to pursue our spouse as we once did. We let our foot off the gas of the relationship and begin to coast. And we each begin to feel less and less appreciated.
WHAT CAN WE DO TO SHOW MORE APPRECIATION?
So, what can we do to get back in the appreciation game and show our spouse more appreciation? To do this, you will have to change two things…your actions and your attitude.
Your Actions.
You can start by going back to doing things you used to do when you were dating.
Compliment them on things they do, on their talents and abilities, on their character traits, etc.
Be intentional about saying “thank you” for the things they do.
Brag on them.
Leave notes of encouragement.
Use your imagination. Pay attention to the things they like. Be interested in the things they’re interested in. You know…act like you’re dating again.
Your Attitude.
There’s an old saying that goes something like this: “You never miss your water till your well runs dry.” This is so true in marriage. I can’t tell you how many people sit in my counseling office after losing their spouse to divorce or death and talk about what they miss about that person, and what they never really appreciated about that person.
We tend to take our spouses for granted and treat them as if they’re always going to be around. But, if you really want to appreciate your spouse, then live as if you might lose them at any minute. Think about the hole that would leave, the things you would miss, and all that you would long to have back. Let that attitude and those thoughts guide you in showing appreciation for your spouse.
A FINAL WORD…
I’m aware that there are spouses that might be reading this thinking, “My spouse is so hurtful that there’s not much there I can appreciate!” I know this is the case for some spouses. And I’m not saying that just showing appreciation for the few crumbs of good things you find will magically turn your marriage around…although it could help a little. But showing appreciation is not just something to do in marriage. It’s something needed in all relationships. So you can still practice appreciation and improve the other relationships in your life.
But for those who would say their marriage is not bad but it could be better, then I encourage you to work at showing more appreciation. It might just be the water that begins to revive a wilting marriage.
In the spirit of full disclosure, let me say this is a post I need to take to heart as much as anyone. Just ask my spouse.
A STORY
Not long ago, a friend of mine told me that in the spring he likes to go mushroom hunting. It piqued my interest because this is something that I used to do with my mom when I was a kid. I told him that my 88-year-old mother (whose age and mobility issues have made mushroom hunting a distant memory) still gets wistful every spring as she misses the joy of feasting on fresh-picked mushrooms.
A few days later, my friend showed up at my office with some fresh-picked mushrooms for my mom. I was truly overwhelmed by such a kind and thoughtful gesture toward my mom…and me.
The next day, I called mom and told her I wanted to bring her to our house for dinner. When we got to the house, I told her that she was going to have to cook her own dinner, and I showed her the mushrooms. Her eye widened, her mouth dropped, and I literally heard her gasp for joy. It was just a handful of mushrooms, but her reaction rivaled any Christmas morning reaction I’ve seen from my kids or grandkids.
She savored every minute of cooking and eating those mushrooms. And when I took her back to her assisted living apartment, she was telling everyone she saw about cooking and eating mushrooms. As I drove away, I was so grateful for a small surprise, and for the friend who made it possible.
SMALL SURPRISES
My mom’s reaction to these mushrooms reminded me of what a big impact small surprises make.
All too often, we think we have to do big things to make a big impact. We think we have to buy a big house, take a big vacation, bring home a big salary, or give big gifts to make a big and lasting impact on our spouse.
But ironically, it’s the small surprises, not the big ones, that touch our spouse’s heart and give them something to cherish. I’m talking about small things that anybody (on any budget) can do. Things like…
Giving an unexpected card for no particular reason.
Bringing home their favorite candy.
Sending a text in the middle of the day, just to tell them how much you love them.
Cooking their favorite meal. (The one you rarely cook.)
Taking them to their favorite restaurant. (Especially if it’s one you typically avoid.)
Bringing home flowers when you’re not in trouble.
Planning a day for them to do their favorite thing…with or without you.
Taking the kids off their hands for an evening.
Preparing them a luxurious bath with soft lights, a nice drink, AND NO STRINGS ATTACHED.
Taking them away for one kid-free night. (Even if it’s somewhere close to home.)
When we were dating and first married, we surprised our spouse often. That’s part of the reason we felt so in love. But the longer we’re married, the more we let such things fall by the wayside, only to wonder why we don’t feel the way we use to about one another. (I stand guilty as charged!)
BIG IMPACT
As we said, you would think it would be the big surprises that make the biggest impact. So why do small surprises make such a big impact? Small surprises make a big impact because they show your spouse…
You’re thinking about them.
They’re important to you.
You took time out for them.
You want them to be happy.
You still love them.
Small surprises will leave strong positive memories stamped on your spouse’s heart and soul. And your spouse will carry those memories with them long after the surprise is complete…and long after you’re gone.
WHERE TO START
Small surprises are a guaranteed home run in a relationship, and they cost very little in time and effort. So, if you’re wondering how to get started, let me give you some ideas:
Take out a sheet of paper and start making a list of all the small ways you could surprise your spouse. You can start with the list above and then build on that. Make the list long. The longer, the better.
After you’ve made a good long list, then every Monday look at the list and pick one surprise to do.
Decide when you’re going to pull off this surprise.
Follow through by carrying out the surprise. And don’t call attention to yourself or expect anything in return.
Then repeat this process the following Monday.
When you’ve gone through your entire list, then start over from the beginning or make a new list. You’ll eventually start to watch and listen for things your spouse might like, and you’ll get to the point where you don’t even need the list. You’ll just know what to do.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
Just a little gasoline can create a much bigger fire. In the same way, small surprises have a way of enlarging the flame of your relationship. And they’re easier and cheaper than marriage counseling and divorce court.
Celebrities and successful people seem to just spring up out of nowhere these days. The media is full of stories about the latest star or business guru who seem to have suddenly appeared.
I wonder if, when Moses appeared on the scene, the Children of Israel thought, “Who’s this upstart?” “I wonder how long he will last?” “How long will it be before the new wears off of this one?”
At the beginning of every year, we look at things we can do to make the new year better. But when it comes to marriage, what you do now will not only effect the new year, but generations to come.
There’s a story about a young wife who always cut off the end of the ham before she baked it. When her husband asked why she did this, she responded, “I don’t know. My mom always did it.” This made the husband curious, so he went to his mother-in-law and asked her why she cut off the end of a ham before baking it. His mother-in-law replied, “I don’t know. It’s something my mother always did when baking a ham.” The mystery went unresolved for some time, until one day the young couple were visiting the wife’s grandmother.
No, this isn’t a post about raising your IQ, as in your intelligence quotient. (I’m not the brightest bulb in the box, so I wouldn’t feel qualified to write about that anyway.) This is about raising your IQ, as in your impact quotient.
When I was out for a walk the other morning, I found a small Batman action figure facedown in the middle of the road. It had been run over and was scarred and marred. I picked it up and set it to the side of the road so the child who owned it might find it. Then I walked away a little sad. Why?
Who doesn’t want to have power and influence? That’s why people rise through the ranks, store up wealth, connect with the right people, and change things around them. It’s a desire to attain some sort of power and influence. That’s not necessarily bad.
But people often overlook the two things that would make them most powerful and influential.
