If you had three wishes, what would you wish for? This question has fueled many a daydream for both children and adults.
Such a question is posed to King Solomon in 2 Chronicles chapter 1. But this time, Solomon is given only one wish. And it’s not a daydream. It’s a real offer from a real God.
After Solomon demonstrates tremendous loyalty and dedication to God in 2 Chronicles 1:6, God gives Solomon a blank check. Then, the space between verse 7 and verse 8 builds with uncertain anticipation as to what Solomon will choose.
Let’s be honest. When you and I are presented with the three wishes question, our inclination is to choose things that would benefit us. We might use one of the wishes to help others, but the other two are for us! This is tendency goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden.
But in 2 Chronicles chapter 1, Solomon spends his one and only wish on the good of others and the glory of God. He asks for wisdom to guide God’s people well. And because of this, God not only grants Solomon’s request for wisdom, He adds in all the personal benefits Solomon had not asked for…such as wealth and honor.
For some, this story sounds too much like a fairy tale, and so they dismiss it. But the power of the story is not in Solomon’s wish but in the condition of his heart. The wish reveals the heart, and the heart reveals the character. It’s what the Apostle Paul talks about in Philippians 2:3-5, where he says…
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. Don’t look out only for your own interests, but take an interest in others, too. You must have the same attitude that Christ Jesus had.
So…if you had a single wish, what would you wish for? And what would that wish say about your heart and character?
I’m currently in a season where it’s hard to get everything done I need to get done. (Know how that feels?) So I thought, rather than not deliver anything, I would rewind a post from 3 years ago. It’s especially pertinent in our current times and I hope you find it helpful. – Bret
It’s easy to waste your marriage on things that don’t benefit you or your spouse. The problem is, you often don’t realize you’re doing it until it’s too late. So below are five contributors to a wasted marriage that you need to watch for. (To help you remember them, they form the acrostic – W.A.S.T.E.)
Note: We are currently in a series called “The List.” The list refers to a list of ways you can lose your marriage and is based on information gleaned from over 20 years of counseling records and marriage failures.
Has there ever been a time when your spouse was wanting you to change in some way and you thought, “This is just the way I am. You knew this when you married me.”?
The question is…does your inherent personality relieve you of a responsibility to change?
PERSONALITY DIFFERENCES
There is no doubt that spouses can have different personalities. Personality differences between spouses are common…
One spouse can be an introvert, while the other’s an extrovert.
One spouse can pay attention to details, while the other ignores the details.
One spouse can be a saver, while the other is a spender.
One spouse can be very cautious, while the other is full-steam-ahead.
One spouse can be quiet and reserved, while the other is boisterous and fun-loving.
It’s all a part of marriage.
PERSONALITY POSITIVES
Now, there’s nothing wrong with such personality differences. In fact, personality differences serve three purposes in a relationship:
They draw us together. – Many couples feel they were attracted to one another because they were so much alike. But actually, it’s our differences, more than our similarities, that attract us to one another. When we’re dating, those differences feel refreshing and add spice to the relationship.
They round us out. – Because our spouse is different than us, they help to provide what is lacking in our personality. Introverts need extroverts to get them out of their cave, while extroverts need introverts to help them learn how to be still and content with themselves. Spenders need savers. The cautious need the bold. Detail people need broad brush stroke people. You get the picture. Our personality differences help to round out the relationship.
They grow us up. – Our spouse’s differences force us to approach things differently. An organized spouse can help a disorganized spouse learn to better organize their life. A spender can help a penny-pincher learn they can loosen their grip on money without being irresponsible. Our spouse’s personality serves as a tool to grow us in ways we might be deficient.
PERSONALITY PROBLEMS
But it’s this last reason that can aggravate us. Typically, we don’t want to change. It’s too much effort. Besides, we think we’re fine the way we are. So we say something like: “This is just the way I am. You knew this when you married me.” But, there are two problems with these statements…
Just because you were this way when you were dating doesn’t mean you were showing it.
When we’re dating, we tend to show our best selves. We try hard to be what we think the other will like and want. Consequently, we reign in the parts of ourselves we feel might be undesirable.
But after we’re married, we stop trying so hard. We relax, and more of our true self begins to leak out. Consequently, as our spouse starts to see this, they try to get us to go back to the way we use to be. When that doesn’t happen, our spouse feels like they’ve experienced a bait-and-switch in the relationship and they get frustrated with us.
Just because this is the way you are doesn’t mean you should stay that way.
The statement, “This is just the way I am” confuses a right to be who you are with a responsibility to change for your spouse.
If our children were being unkind or unhelpful we would not let them get away with it because “it’s just the way they are.” We would fully expect them to tweak and change who they are and grow into something better. The same should be true for us as spouses.
PERSONALITY ADJUSTMENTS
It’s true that we all have a personality that is God-given, genetically based, and family influenced. And at its core, that personality will be fairly fixed. But, that doesn’t mean you have to be a slave to that personality. Just because you have a certain personality bent doesn’t mean that personality can’t be bent in a different direction. Everyone can make changes in who they are and how they act. It’s failing to do so that increases the odds of losing your marriage.
So the question is…how can you keep your personality from overriding your responsibility to love your spouse…and still be you?
Elevate their needs.
If you want to keep your personality from overriding your responsibility to love your spouse, elevate their needs ahead of yours. Note: I didn’t say in place of your needs. Your needs are important also. Just treat theirs as a little more important.
Some are afraid that if they do this, their spouse will take advantage of them. That is a possibility. But more often than not, your spouse will feel so special by you putting them first, they will want to make sure your needs are met also.
Subjugate your rights.
We each have rights in marriage. But too often, we spend more time fighting for our rights than we do fighting for our spouse’s rights. It is only when we sacrificially subjugate our rights for the sake of our spouse’s rights that we understand and demonstrate true and deep love.
But…I’m not suggesting you need to be a doormat. Nor am I suggesting that you have no rights in the marriage and your spouse can treat you however they want to. A marriage that is abusive, dismissive, and demeaning should never be tolerated.
Redefine a win.
In times of conflicting wants and needs, spouses tend to act like they’re on opposing teams and they easily fall into a win/lose mindset, where either their spouse wins and they lose or they win and their spouse loses.
Don’t forget that you and your spouse are on the same team. If you can facilitate a win for your spouse, you win also. The team wins! Is this always possible? No. But it’s more possible than you think. So help your spouse win and you will win in the process.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
All of this is summarized in the words of the New Testament from Philippians chapter 2, verses 3-4…
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests but also to the interests of others. (Philippians 2:3-4 ESV)
Did you hear it? “Look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” It’s a “both/and” approach. This is extremely important because if you let your personality override your responsibility to love your spouse, you stand a chance of losing your marriage. It’s one of the things “on the list.”
While in seminary, I served as a hospice chaplain to patients who were diagnosed with 6 months or less to live.
There was a nice and personable patient who sticks in my memory. This man had a wonderful wife, kids, and grandkids. He had just retired and was getting ready to spend retirement traveling when he received his diagnosis. Instead of enjoying a hard-earned retirement traveling around the country, he would live out a few short months confined to a hospital bed in his house.
I remember leaving that home thinking, “There are bad people in this city who will live to a ripe old age. Yet this sweet patient will die early and never enjoy his retirement. This doesn’t make sense!”
I have the same feeling when I read 2 Kings chapter 5. The story doesn’t make sense:
A slave girl shows care and compassion toward her captor. (2 Kings 5:3)
A ruthless king shows compassion and care for a commander and sends him for healing.
God’s king and the servant of God’s prophet both are self-centered and lack compassion.
The man in need of healing is prideful and arrogant at first, yet he’s still healed.
The servant of God’s prophet ends up with leprosy.
In other words, the people you would have thought to be selfish were compassionate, and the people you would have thought to be compassionate were selfish.
THE TWO THINGS THAT ALWAYS MAKE SENSE
Naaman’s healing came about because of people in his life who were compassionate and cared for him, while Gehazi’s leprosy came about because of his greed and lack of compassion.(2 Kings 5:20)
Care and compassion are two things that always make sense because they are akin to God’s own heart. Selfishness and greed, on the other hand, are forces akin to the evil one.
So, despite the assumptions people might make about you, if they dug down to your core, would they find care and compassion for others or selfishness and greed for yourself? Would they find the heart of God or the heart of the enemy?
This is my wedding photo. When I look at this photo, I can’t help but notice how young and immature I was.
I was only 21 years old.
I was a country boy who had hardly been out of the county in which I lived.
I had little education.
I had never seen a wedding, let alone been in one.
My parent’s marriage was difficult rather than exemplary.
I didn’t have a close relationship with my father and had no instruction on how to be a man, let alone a husband or father.
The 3 years my bride and I had dated were mostly long-distance; leaving me with no idea of what it was like to spend extended periods of time together.
And to top it all off…a few hours after this photo was taken, we moved 600 miles away from home and family to start new jobs.
It’s frightening to think of my level of immaturity at the time. Looking back on it now, it seemed like a train wreck waiting to happen.
But somehow, we made it. We learned to overcome our immaturity and put each other first. It didn’t happen overnight, and immaturity still shows its face occasionally…even after 41 years of marriage.
IS IMMATURITY WRONG?
Here’s the thing. We’re all a little immature when we get married. Before we’re married, life is about “me.” “After we’re married, life is about “us.” And it can be a steep learning curve to shift from “me” to “us.”
The point is this…It’s ok to be a little immature when you get married, but it’s not ok to stay that way!
THE TREND OF IMMATURITY.
I’m concerned about a trend I see in my pastoral counseling practice. I feel like I’m seeing an upswing in marital strife, and more and more of it seems to be about immature spouses. These spouses are not young newlyweds. They are older and have been married for a while! And while immaturity in marriage is not gender-specific, I tend to see it more in husbands than in wives. (Sorry guys!)
THE SIGNS OF IMMATURITY.
So, how can you spot an immature spouse?
Below are some of the signs you can look for to spot an immature spouse. (Note: Use this list to identify immaturity in yourself first, and don’t use it as a club with which to beat up your spouse.)
They focus more of their non-work time and energy on themselves than on their spouse.
They usually feel they’re right and need things to go their way.
They’re quick to blame others, rather than own their responsibility.
They feel a sense of entitlement, more than a sense of gratitude.
They have to be forced to be sacrificial, rather than freely offering it.
They want their spouse to understand them more than they want to understand their spouse.
They tend to see things as either right or wrong, and can’t see possibilities in-between.
They expect to receive more apologies from their spouse than they’re willing to give.
They get mad, pout, or withdraw, rather than talking things out.
They spend more time talking about respect than they do earning it.
They feel they have to be dominant to get what they want.
They become passive-aggressive if they don’t get what they want.
They make decisions that affect their spouse, without checking with them.
They give more ultimatums that compromises.
Their wants and needs tend to come before their spouse’s wants and needs.
SOME THINGS TO REMEMBER ABOUT THIS LIST…
This is a brutal list.
No one wants to be associated with such a list. So when reading through it, it’s easy to quickly apply it to your spouse rather than yourself. It’s also easy to quickly defend why we might fit some of the things on the list. But look over the list again, and try to be as honest as you can about yourself before reacting.
All of us are guilty of these on occasion.
I’ve been guilty of everything on that list at times. (And I’ve got the scars to show for it!) But if you find one or more of these to be true frequently, or more often than not…then you may have an immaturity problem.
It’s not easy to see these things in ourselves.
If you’re brave and really want to know your immaturity level, ask someone who knows and loves you to weigh in. And if you’re really brave, ask your spouse. Don’t be surprised if your spouse is hesitant to respond. But assure them that it’s not a trick and you really want to know. Then listen openly and carefully. Don’t react. It could be a good time of growth for both of you.
A FINAL THOUGHT…
The cure for immaturity is to get your eyes off of yourself. See your spouse for who they are and what they need. Serve your spouse in ways that put them first and lift them up.
I’m not talking about being a subservient doormat. I’m talking about being a mature, loving, adult partner. At times, this may require having some hard conversations which will not always be received well…especially if your spouse has an immature issue.
But growing up and being mature (no matter your age) is the best way to have a real, honest, and lasting marriage that goes the distance.
If you’ve ever been disappointed, you know how easy it is for disappointment to derail you.
I see this with my grandchildren. They always have a list of things they want: “I want to go outside and play.” “I want to go out to eat pizza.” “I want to rent a movie.” “I want a snack.” “I want to spend the night.” If something gets in the way of what they want, it can throw them into a funk from which they have a hard time recovering.
But it’s not just children who struggle with disappointment.
“Marriage is for Losers!” This sounds like something some guy in his late teens or early twenties might loudly proclaim at a party with lots of pretty girls and alcohol. It also sounds like something someone might mumble when walking out of divorce court.
So why would I say something like this? I’m a big believer in marriage. I want to see marriages succeed and thrive. Why would I say, “Marriage is for losers”?
Why can’t I get what I want? Maybe you’ve asked that question in marriage. Maybe it was when your spouse was not helping around the house. Maybe it was when you wanted to relax and your spouse wanted you to run an errand. Maybe it was when your spouse wasn’t interested in sex, or was too interested in sex. Whatever it was, you found yourself asking, “Why can’t I get what I want?”
