family

The List – Insist on Doing Things As Your Family Did

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My wife and I had only been married for six months, and it was Christmas eve. We had finished dinner, and I was preparing to watch some Christmas specials when it happened. She asked me a question that jarred me. It came out of nowhere. I hadn’t expected it. I couldn’t even believe she was asking it. But there, on Christmas eve, she had the nerve to ask me…”So, you want to open presents now?”

“What do you mean, ‘you want to open presents now?!’ It’s Christmas eve! You don’t open presents on Christmas eve! You open them on Christmas morning! That’s the way I’ve always done it!” It was quite the scene. But to be fair, she was just as incredulous when I suggested she cook a full breakfast of ham, eggs, bacon, sausage, biscuits, gravy, etc. on Christmas morning…because that’s the way my mom always did it.

Suddenly I realized that we grew up in families that did things very differently.

You don’t have to be married long to realize this. Perhaps…

  • Your mom cooked every evening, but your wife wants to go out and eat.
  • Your dad was handy at fixing anything, but your husband can’t do anything but call a repairman.
  • Your family went on nice family vacations, but your spouse’s family never went anywhere.
  • You were raised to pick up after yourself, but your spouse wasn’t.

You probably have other examples you could share, but when it comes to marriage, these are the types of things that dampen the relational magic and make things seem more like work.

WHY IS IT BAD TO INSIST ON DOING THINGS LIKE YOUR FAMILY?

Whether it’s holiday traditions or everyday ways of doing things, both you and your spouse come into marriage with different memories and experiences. Some of those memories and experiences you want to hold onto and recreate, while others of those you would rather change. But I can tell you that insisting that your spouse do things like your family did will hurt your marriage.

Maybe you’re just trying to recreate special moments from your childhood so your family can experience them too. There’s nothing wrong with that desire, but insisting on doing things as your family did is not good for the following reasons…

It’s disrespectful and belittling to your spouse and their family.

You come across sounding like the way your family did things was right and the way your spouse’s family did things was wrong. This is hurtful to your spouse and won’t win you any points.

You come across as dictatorial.

Insisting on getting your way is never endearing to your spouse. And it’s especially hurtful when you’re dictating against some of their traditions or ways of doing things. This will leave your spouse with only two options: (1) They can roll over and be subservient, but this is going to create hurt and bitterness on their part. Or, (2) they can become rebellious and refuse to do things the way you want. This will create anger and resentment on your part.

It keeps the two of you from forming new ways that are uniquely yours.

Many wedding ceremonies involve the lighting of a unity candle. The bride and groom each take a candle symbolizing their family, and together they use those two candles to light a candle that symbolizes the start of a new family. Scripture calls it, “the two becoming one.” This involves more than just consummating the marriage. It involves the two of you melting and merging your ways and approaches into something new and unique to the two of you. Insisting on doing things the way your family did is the opposite of that.

SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?

It’s easy to say that the two of you should stop insisting on doing things as your families did, and instead find new ways to do things. But just how can you do that without becoming a doormat or a bulldozer?

Well, it will probably be a little different for each couple, but here are some general principles you can follow:

  • Don’t make fun of the way your spouse’s family did things. Even if your spouse makes fun of something they did, refrain from doing that yourself. Just think about how it stings when they do that to you.
  • Ask yourself if you want things a certain way because you think it’s best, or just because it preserves a special memory for you. So often, we want to do things the way our family did because we’re trying to preserve a memory or share it with our spouse or family. But often, those memories were for that time and that family, and now’s the time to make new memories with this family.
  • Each of you identify the things that are not so special to you and you’d be willing to change. Just because you have some special memories about something in your family doesn’t mean that everything was critical to that memory. Both of you figure out what you could do without and offer that up to your spouse.
  • Take what’s left (the things you want to keep) and see if you might be able to fit those together somehow. Maybe there’s a way for the two of you to take the things that are really special to you and join them together into something that fits both of you.

Let’s go back to my Christmas example. After applying the above steps, some possible solutions might be:

  • You each open one present on Christmas eve and then the rest on Christmas morning.
  • One year you open presents on Christmas eve and the other year you open presents on Christmas morning.
  • You have something different than you usually do for Christmas breakfast, but not as elaborate as a four-course meal.
  • You have an elaborate Christmas breakfast, but a lite and easy Christmas lunch.

The options are many, depending on whether you have kids, how close you live to family, etc. The thing is to not get stuck in insisting the old way, but instead, move on to creating new ways.

A FINAL WORD…

I know that all of this can sound rather trivial. Who’s going to lose their marriage over whether they open presents on Christmas eve or Christmas morning? But it’s not just about holiday traditions. It’s about how you decide to do life. It’s about a failure to create your own marriage because one or both of you keep trying to live by old family patterns.

Continuing to insist that you and your spouse do things like your family did them will hurt your marriage. And in the long run, it can cause you to lose your marriage. And so…It’s on the list!

1 Samuel 14 – Biology, Sociology, or Spirituality?

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Have you ever noticed how two people from the same family can be radically different from one another? Are those differences related to biology (nature) or sociology (nurture)? The answer is probably a combination of both.

But there’s a third factor which can over-ride biology and sociology, and that factor is spirituality.

Jonathan (Saul’s son) was influenced by his father, both biologically and sociologically. Yet, they were noticeably different spiritually.

1 Samuel chapter 14 highlights the differences between Saul and Jonathan. Saul tends to rely on himself more than God, while Jonathan tends to rely on God more than himself. (Compare verse 6 with verse 36.) Saul uses God for his own desires, while Jonathan wants to be used by God to accomplish God’s desires.

Reading 1 Samuel 14 should give us hope. Though we have no influence over our biology (the family we’re born into) and little influence over our sociology (the way our parents chose to raise us), we have a lot of influence over our spirituality. And since our spirituality can over-ride both our biology and our sociology, we have more influence over who we are than we tend to believe. That is the hope we have in Christ. The One who rose from the dead offers us resurrection from our dead ways!

1 Samuel chapter 14 also gives us a warning…don’t be like Saul! It’s so easy to live life on our own strength, trusting ourselves, figuring things out on our own, doing what our logic or emotions tell us to do. But resist that. Instead, live trusting God’s sovereignty, wisdom, and plan. Live more like Jonathan…unsure of yourself and what you can do, but confident in God and what He can do. (1 Samuel 14:6.)

Is Your Marriage on the Calendar?

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It’s New Year’s Day (2019) and this is a picture of our new calendar. I know, it’s old-school, but, every Christmas I create a new calendar featuring pictures of my grandchildren. I saw it this morning, and I started thinking about how much calendars are a part of our lives.

They are in our phones and our computers. We hang them on our walls and put them on our desks. In them, we put things that are important to us. Things we don’t want to forget or miss.

So here’s the big question…Is your marriage on the calendar?

As a pastoral counselor and a husband of nearly 39 years, I believe a calendar is one of the most effective tools you have for strengthening your marriage.

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How Partnering Can Improve Parenting

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We don’t often think of how parenting can improve partnering. Usually, we think of just the opposite…how parenting makes partnering harder. We instantly think of all the demands parenting makes on our time, money, energy, and resources, and how those demands complicate marriage.

It’s true that being a parent can make being a partner more difficult. This is why I always tell spouses, “You’re partnering should  take precedent over your parenting.” I firmly believe this to be true for every marriage…

  • Young spouses as well as senior adults spouses.
  • Spouses who have biological children as well as those who have step children or adopted children.
  • Those who have just one child as well as those who have twelve.

No matter the situation, the principle is the same. You’re partnering should take precedence over your parenting, because:

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How Parents Can Bring Out the Best in Their Teenagers

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In my last post, How Teenagers Bring Out the Worst in Their Parents, I talked abut the very difficult job of raising teenagers, and how it can effect parents.

In this post, let’s talk about how parents can bring out the best in their teens. It starts when you’re aware of your own issues of control, self-esteem, memory loss, fears, and aspirations. (Check out the previous post for more on this.)

Once you have addressed those things in yourself, there are some things you can do to bring out the best in those opinionated, strong-willed, hormonally challenged aliens we refer to as teenagers:

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How Teenagers Bring Out the Worst in Their Parents

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I typically write posts focused on marriage, but this post is going to veer more into the area of parenting. Specifically, parenting teenagers, and more specifically, how teenagers bring out the worst in their parents.

As a former youth pastor, I have a special place in my heart for parents of teens. And, as the father of two grown children, I still have the twitches that can only come from teens or Turretts.

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The Changing Seasons

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We’re in the middle of some crazy weather patterns. It’s in the lower 80’s one day, and then the lower 30’s the next. It’s like going through all the seasons in the span of a week or two.

Marriages go through seasons, and each season requires something different from spouses. To have a long and happy marriage, you must learn to navigate seven seasons…

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A Dry Run At Eternity

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Sometimes you read thing something that makes you stop and evaluate your marriage, your faith and your life. This guest post from my friend Connie Plummer did that to me, and I wanted to share it with you.

They are like a man who builds a house. He digs down deep and sets it on solid rock. When a flood comes, the river rushes against the house. But the water can’t shake it. The house is well built. – Luke 6:48

In this life, we practice for the important events.

  • A trial run to the hospital before it is time to have the baby.
  • A ‘Pomp and Circumstance’ graduation walk through.
  • A wedding rehearsal.
  • That song you are going to sing
  • That speech you are going to make.

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Is Your Marriage Approaching Zero Gravity? – Part 2

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Gravity is an essential part of life. Without it, things would drift away into space. Likewise, gravity is an essential part of marriage. Without marital gravity, spouses begin to drift apart. And if they drift too far apart, it can bring an end to the marriage.

In my last post, I talked about four things you needed to increase your marital gravity. They were four things that would help draw you closer to one another and keep you from drifting apart. (Check out my last post, “Is Your Marriage Approaching Zero Gravity – Part 1.”)

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How to Improve Your Marriage Pictures

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We’ve all had our share of bad photos. Think back to your fashion-questionable high school days, or those family portraits that looked more like the Adams Family than a happy family. It’s safe to say we all have pictures we would like to delete from the archives.

The other day, I came across The 50 Weirdest Engagement Portraits Of All Time. It’s just what it says…50 very weird engagement photos. They are painful to look at and they leave you asking, “What were they thinking?”

All this got me wondering, “What would pictures of my marriage look like over the years?”

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