Have you ever wished you could change your marriage? Maybe you were at odds with your spouse or maybe your marriage had just become mundane and predictable. Whatever it was, you didn’t like the way things were and you wished you could change things.
In a TED Talk entitled “The 3 A’s of Awesome,” Neil Pasricha tells of a time when his life needed a change. A difficult economy had cost him his job, his best friend had committed suicide and his marriage was falling apart.
If you’ve ever been disappointed, you know how easy it is for disappointment to derail you.
I see this with my grandchildren. They always have a list of things they want: “I want to go outside and play.” “I want to go out to eat pizza.” “I want to rent a movie.” “I want a snack.” “I want to spend the night.” If something gets in the way of what they want, it can throw them into a funk from which they have a hard time recovering.
But it’s not just children who struggle with disappointment.
Computer viruses are maddening. When a virus gets into your computer, it changes the way your computer operates. All of a sudden the computer doesn’t work as smoothly as it use to. It gets sluggish, acts erratically and sometimes just shuts down.
Marriages, like computers, are susceptible to viruses that can effect the health and operation of the marriage. Here’s how it works…
Marriage, like bread and potato chips, can become stale over time. Ruts, routines, and indifference have a way of settling in and dulling what used to be a vibrant relationship.
What about your marriage? What are the signs that you’re living in a stale marriage?
The word “normal” can go either way. If you’re talking about blood pressure, eye sight, or the size of your newborn’s head, “normal” is a good thing. If you’re talking about academics, talent, or marriage, “normal” seems less than desirable.
Many couples beat themselves up and stress themselves out trying to keep their marriage from slipping into “normal.” (See the movie, “This is 40.”)
What is it that causes us to think “normal” is not good enough when it comes to marriage?
Think of something you just don’t want to do. Maybe it’s cleaning the garage or organizing your closet. Perhaps it’s giving the dog a bath or cleaning the bathroom. It could be cleaning the gutters or working on your taxes. Or maybe it’s that mammogram or colonoscopy you’re avoiding like the plague.
We all have things we don’t want to do. We put them off, because they’re no fun.
Likewise, there are things in marriage we don’t like to do, so we put them off. Things like:
Have you ever regretted something, and the more you thought about it the more you found yourself saying, “If only”? Maybe it was something you said, or something you did, or a decision you made, but whatever it was left you with regret and the reverberation of “if only.”
We all have those “if only” regrets. They sound something like this:
I know they say there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. But what if there is? What if it’s possible to have the perfect marriage?
Some people think that to have the perfect marriage you have to marry the right person. But I don’t think that works. No one’s perfect, and with all the people out there, the odds of finding the right person is pretty slim.
I think to have a perfect marriage you have to do something different. You have to…
(The posts in this series have been adapted from the “Relentless Love” marriage seminar, created and taught by David McKinley and Bret Legg at Prestonwood Baptist Church in Dallas, TX.)
In this series, we’re looking at your marriage as if it were a story and what goes into making it a good story that you and others want to read. There are certain elements every marriage needs in order to tell a good story, starting with a good author and two main characters who are playing their parts well.
In a good story, the main characters are in pursuit of something they believe will bring them happiness and fulfillment. But that which the characters seek is never easily achieved. Just as they’re about to get what they want, something happens that thwarts their desire. There’s some sort of set back or defeat that puts what they want just out of their reach.
There are times when doing the right thing seems to make matters worse.
You try to defend your friend on the playground and you’re the one who gets beat up. An employer asks for an honest opinion then makes your life miserable because they didn’t like what you said. You stop to help a stranded motorist and miss your reservation at the restaurant you’ve been waiting so long to get into. The more you try to be kind and cooperative with your ex the more they take advantage of you.
Likewise, it can be difficult in marriage when you try to do the right thing and it doesn’t seem to get you anywhere.