Last weekend, I learned three simple marriage rules from a preschooler when I picked up my four-year-old granddaughter for a much needed date. It was a standard date for us: getting some much-needed essentials from the toy store, catching up on the latest children’s literature at the bookstore, and topping it all off with some elegant dining at the local Chick-fil-A.
Among all the things she talked about (and she had a lot to talk about,) she filled me in on the latest news from her pre-K class. As she was catching me up on all the juicy Pre-K news, she told me her teacher expected everyone in her class to follow three rules:
Have you ever had the experience of looking at your spouse in thinking, “We use to be so close. How did we drift apart? What happened?” If you have, you are not alone. I think that thought crosses the mind of nearly every spouse at one time or another.
Marriage can be like a boat without an anchor. It has a tendency to drift. In the beginning, when you’re close to shore, it doesn’t seem like a problem. But the further you get from shore the more prominent and problematic the drift can be. You start to experience things like:
Winnie the Pooh is a classic in children’s literature. As young children, we listened to adults read the great adventures of Pooh and his friends. As older children, we sat transfixed in front of a screen as Walt Disney made those adventures come to life. Then, as parents, we read those same adventures to our children.
But we rarely inject these stories into our marriage. What if the stories of Winnie the Pooh have something to say to our marriage? What if we built our marriage on Pooh?
My wife is not much for talking on the phone. She prefers to text, so she often texts rather than calls. The problem is, if she’s texting someone when we’re together, I have no idea who she’s talking to, because I can’t hear her part of the conversation. This leads me to frequently ask her, “Who are you texting?” (I’m pretty sure she hates this question.)
Couples come into my counseling office for many reasons. Some are having on-going conflicts they can’t resolve. Others are having trouble with their parents or in-laws. Some are struggling in their sexual relationship. Others are at odds over finances. And some just seem to have different ideas about what makes for a good marriage.
But there was one couple who came into my office who summed up marital issues in one simple sentence. “We have lost the magic.“
Ever feel like your marriage has lost the magic? If so, maybe it’s because:
On Thanksgiving Day, it’s good to look at the role gratitude plays in marriage. Many marriages are unhappy, not because of big things like abuse or affairs, but because of a little thing like a lack of gratitude.
Around 2008, Neil Pasricha was having a difficult time in life. His marriage was failing, his best friend committed suicide, and the market was threatening his job. Falling into depression, Neil realized he needed to do something to turn his attitude and life around. So, as a first step, he started a seemingly insignificant website called 1000awesomethings.com.
There, Neil began to build a list of things he was grateful for…both big and small. Things like:
When the police car that’s been following you for miles finally goes around you.
When the mug you’re warming up in the microwave stops with the handle facing you.
When the nostril that’s been plugged up for so long, suddenly opens up.
When you hit something with your car and there’s somehow no damage.
When you pick the fastest moving line at the grocery store.
When you’re on vacation and finally forget what day of the week it is.
He listed one thousand such things, and so many people resonated with these often overlooked reasons for gratitude that Neil’s website exploded. Eventually, his website generated a book entitled The Book of Awesome, which made the New York Times best seller list. All because he pointed out that we have more for which to be grateful than we stop to realize.
In marriage, we are often more unhappy with what we don’t have, than happy with what we do have. We have so many things in our marriages to be grateful for, yet when we don’t get something we want, we feel slighted and cheated. And the more we have, the less grateful we seem to be.
“The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.” – Eric Hoffer.
But gratitude is important in marriage, because…
It changes your focus. Gratitude causes you to focus on all the good things you like and have, rather than all the things you don’t like or don’t have.
It leads you to appreciate who and what you have. The more you focus on the things for which you have to be grateful, the more you appreciate them.
It lightens your mood. Your appreciation for what you have will begin to root out your complaining and frustration…which will lighten your mood. This will make you easier to live with, not to mention more attractive.
It makes you more of a giving spouse. When you see all you have to be grateful for, you tend to be less self-centered and self-focused. It’s more easy to give of yourself, because you see how much you’ve been given.
Even Scripture stresses the importance of gratitude. 1 Thessalonians 5:18 tells us:
“Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.”
I know there are a lot of things that go into marital unhappiness, that don’t elicit our gratitude. But note that the passage doesn’t say to be thankful for every circumstance, but rather to be thankful in every circumstance…which would include the difficult ones.
What if you could begin to turn around your dissatisfaction in marriage with something as simple as learning to be more grateful for the many good things you have. What if you could enjoy your marriage more simply by changing your attitude to gratitude?
If you need to be more grateful in your marriage, take these two simple steps:
Assess. Begin by making a list of all the things you have to be thankful for in your marriage. Big and small, don’t leave anything out. As you make your list, ask yourself what would life be like if you didn’t have these things, or if your spouse didn’t do those things for which you’re grateful.
Express. William A. Ward once said, “Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” Get in the habit of expressing gratitude for the things on your list. You would be surprised by the power a simple, heartfelt “thank you” has on your spouse. Not only will expressing gratitude affirm and encourage your spouse, it will improve your attitude as well. Donald Curtis said, “It is impossible to be negative while we are giving thanks.”
So many marriages could be strengthened if spouses simply became more grateful for what they have and more faithful to express that gratitude. When it comes to marriage, gratitude is a great attitude!
“God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?” – William A. Ward.
If you or your marriage needs a does of gratitude, let me challenge you to do the following: Get a small notebook. Everyday, list five things about your spouse and/or your marriage for which you’re grateful. Don’t repeat anything on your list. Everyday, express your gratitude to your spouse. Do this for 30 days. I can almost guarantee that by the end of 30 days, you will be different, and consequently so will your marriage.
Some of my favorite movies (much to my wife’s dismay) are “The Matrix” trilogy of movies. They never get old to me. I can watch them over and over and still find new thing in them that I didn’t see before.
This happened a while back when I was watching “The Matrix Reloaded (2003). In this movie, the hero (Neo) has been summoned by someone who is supposedly on Neo’s side…Seraph. But when Neo gets there, Seraph begins to fight with him. When the fight is over, Neo asks Seraph why, and Seraph replies, “You do not truly know someone until you fight them.”
I’ve been spending a lot of time with my two-year old granddaughter, and boy does this little girl loves to talk! She starts when she wakes up and doesn’t stop until she’s asleep.
This morning, as I was taking her to school (Mothers Day Out), she was talking non-stop. So to give my ears a rest, I turned on some music and turned up the volume. But she would not be deterred. She promptly told me it was too loud and to turn it off!
In my last post, Why So Serious, I talked about taking part in a funeral for a lady in our church. She had lived to be ninety-three and was married to the same man for seventy-two years. A mere two weeks after her funeral, we were holding another funeral for her ninety-four year old husband, who died just nine days after her.
Wife: “Don’t forget we’re going to my parents this weekend to help them with that project.” Husband: “What project?” Wife: “Remember, they’re redoing their living room, and we have to help them move all the furniture and repaint.” Husband: “You didn’t tell me we were doing that this weekend!” Wife: “Yes I did. I told you Wednesday, when we were coming home from church.” Husband: “I didn’t think you were talking about this weekend!” Wife: “I swear you have a selective memory. You only remember what you want to remember!”
Sound familiar? The particulars of the conversation may be different, but most of us have experienced similar conversations.
Last weekend, I learned three simple marriage rules from a preschooler when I picked up my four-year-old granddaughter for a much needed date. It was a standard date for us: getting some much-needed essentials from the toy store, catching up on the latest children’s literature at the bookstore, and topping it all off with some elegant dining at the local Chick-fil-A.
